[positiveparent]

Im thinking you're in this too deep too soon, love that's lasts is usually enduring, and patient.

Are you still seeing this girl socially?

Im also wondering is she really as into this as you are, perhaps its all to fast for her, its seems it's a bit much too soon.

Maybe you should re-evaluate it all.

[ISneezeFunny]

Hmm, after all the facts have surfaced, I'm reluctant to agree with the other posters here. The fact that you've known this girl for a month and the fact that she has already told you that she will not go against the wishes of her parents... it seems that you're at a losing end of the battle, and you're still holding onto hope that things will change.

I do wish that things will change for you, but it seems unlikely, as she herself has already made that decision. Best of luck buddy.

[smcas2305]

I do not disagree with anyone here.. The fact that so few people seem to be hitting on is the control issue here. Immediately following our initial conversations I was all but boycotted by the parents. Parents which regulate virtually every aspect of their daughter it would so appear.. Her cell phone usage, etc.

I am in a losing battle, but she has not closed the door as completely as most have stated. She wants to know a life with me, has stated before and well after that initial quote I offered, even today.. BUT, the thing that controls her is her inability to take a stand with her parents...

What no one seems to be touching on by the poorly placed title of this thread is "controlling parents."

Many of us have known women/men, boys/girls in this situation... Overly controlled, and completely shut down to their own free will.. Hell, it is a national epidemic..

If I may.. Can we get back to the problem at hand.. the control of the parents. How would one normally overcome that? Distance? Patience? The occasional verbalizing of commitment?

I will happily worry about the woman here, if I might but get advice on techniques that can assist with their overbearing parents.. I know this woman to be worth it, and that this trial, shall too in time pass.

I can see few people here believe in love at "near" first sight, or immediate chemistry, (before this woman I was one of them.) But this exists..

It is not an infatuation, it is not lust.. I have known those two emotions well... They both live for the moment, but quickly pass.. This feeling seems so much more firmly planted...

[ISneezeFunny]

Getting back to the issue at hand, I'd hate to say it, buddy, but I don't see a way where you can communicate to the parents and them taking it well.

Like I said, my current girlfriend's parents have taken away her computer, her phone, and her usage of the car, and she's 22. So I understand what you're going through. The only thing that I can possibly see myself actually doing is offering to speak to the parents, which I have, and that's it. This is an issue that needs to be dealt between her and her parents, and the only responsibility you have is to support her.

[Just Looking]

I’m wondering if your girlfriend realizes she is being controlled. Until she does and is willing to stand up for herself little progress will be made. If she is still involved with you (i.e. hasn’t given up and shut down), you may want to start with encouraging her to find a way to have an adult-to-adult relationship with her parents and to set healthy boundaries with her parents. This is not the same as going against their wishes – she needs to understand that. Inherent in her parents' controlling behavior are fears they have about themselves and about her, and hopes they have about themselves and about her. She might focus on this rather than their behavior, especially in her discussions with them. Simply talking to them about why they are worried is a start, but she also needs to follow up with what she wants and why she wants to pursue your relationship.

A common tendency for people with controlling parents is they find it hard to trust others, even when they want to, or they trust too easily and have been hurt. Has she been hurt by previous men? Is this why her parents are concerned? If she finds it hard to trust or if she has been hurt, she needs time and consistency to trust – more than a month. If she is going to stand up to her parents she has to feel comfortable that it is “worth” it. We know it is, to take control of her own life regardless if it is about you or other matters – she needs to have that confidence.

I think bottom-line is that your efforts start with her. You might talk to her about reading books on the subject or even talking to a counselor so she understands what is going on and how to approach her parents. If she can get to that place, she is the one to encourage her parents to get to know you. You win them over by treating their daughter with respect, kindness, and love. Make them comfortable that their daughter is safe with you, and that you hope to have a good relationship with them. They don’t want to lose their daughter. They also don’t want to see her hurt. Show them you will be good to her and can help her to realize her dreams.

[positiveparent]

I beg to differ OP I do fully believe in Love at First sight, I met my partner in the April and we were married on May 13th same year. 6 weeks after meeting each other.

However we were both free of any outside influences to do this, we also spent every hour of everyday almost of those 6 weeks together.

We've had numerous challenges to face and we've over come them together, so believe me I am a firm believer in love at first sight I am living proof of it for want of a better word.

As for chemistry you wouldve thought the whole lab has blown up when my partner and I met, it was so strong it almost singed my hair just the thought of how powerful it was, and I am happy to say its still as powerful, more refined and less urgent in some ways but still as powerful.

So I definitely feel I qualify in that dept.

However it would seem your g/f is either not sharing your urgency or something isn't right somewhere.

I still feel that a personal letter to the parents will not only show them you mean business but your g/f also.

Its not so much about control it's that your g/f knows of no other way, she hasn't lived outside the nest yet, she hasn't learned how to spread her wings and like a fledgling she's very wary of taking those first tentative steps, it's a leap of faith don't forget to go from the secure if controlled environment of the only thing she's ever known how to live in her family home, to becoming a fully independent person, with only herself to rely on.

Write that letter lay your cards on the table, send it registered mail, and then go from there, you've nothing to lose, and much to gain. Choice is yours...

[smcas2305]

Getting back to the issue at hand, I'd hate to say it, buddy, but I don't see a way where you can communicate to the parents and them taking it well.

Like I said, my current girlfriend's parents have taken away her computer, her phone, and her usage of the car, and she's 22. So I understand what you're going through. The only thing that I can possibly see myself actually doing is offering to speak to the parents, which I have, and that's it. This is an issue that needs to be dealt between her and her parents, and the only responsibility you have is to support her.

Well said...

[smcas2305]

positiveparent - As many here, your words have been golden. She definitely is reluctant to share my urgency in action but not in words, emotion, expression, body language, etc..

I called her out in a very positive, joking manner today that her true fear is her actually falling for me, only to have me become one of those other men.. To abandon her, and the man she had believed me to be.. She said I was absolutely right..

There has been massive steps in communication even since posting this original concern only last night.

One thing I have praised this woman on so highly since meeting her is her ability and willingness to communicate no matter what.. Her age is hardly apparent in her maturity, her communication and her foresight..

However, you are right.. She is scared, and yes, has been hurt in the past...

So two very visible problems then. That she has been hurt, (which is so very repairable with patience, tenderness and consistency) and her overly... "concerned" parents.

I don't mind her parents protecting her. In fact, I would have that no other way. But if that truly is there goal here, they are doing so under false pretenses, and in a very damaging way... Parents know best I guess.

[talaniman]

After only a month, I doubt you have a right to even dictate what it is she must do. You can only wait and see what she does offer, and pay attention to if your right or not.

Over analyzing without facts is futile, and plotting and scheming is even worse. Take it slow a day at a time, and see if your right.

[smcas2305]

After only a month, I doubt you have a right to even dictate what it is she must do. You can only wait and see what she does offer, and pay attention to if your right or not.

Over analyzing without facts is futile, and and plotting and scheming is even worse. Take it slow a day at a time, and see if your right.

Dictate? Where did I lead on I was attempting this? I have been sitting in the nose bleeds simply enjoying the view as of late. Allowing her all opportunity to communicate with me, but keeping a visible distance. I also do not see much over analyzing here. If so, it is human to do so to fill the void left from lack of proper communication.. Something that I have honestly not suffered from here.

I do agree that day to day is the only way. It has been a wonderful ride so far, I will continue to enjoy it.

[Homegirl 50]

After only a month, I doubt you have a right to even dictate what it is she must do. You can only wait and see what she does offer, and pay attention to if your right or not.

Over analyzing without facts is futile, and and plotting and scheming is even worse. Take it slow a day at a time, and see if your right.

I agree wholeheartedly

[Homegirl 50]

This young lady has told you what she wants of you, and that is to leave her alone.
When she is ready to stand up to her parents (if that is in fact the problem) she will.
What you are wanting to do is to be the control at the other end.
Leave her alone. If she missed out on a good thing, it's on her, if she feels she has missed out, if she really wants to be with you she will cut the ties.
Leave her alone. You are not doing her any good by doing what she has asked you not to do.

[positiveparent]

Im sorry OP I just don't understand your reluctance to write a personal letter to her parents, letting them know that your intentions are honourable and in their daughters best interest, this I feel would serve a double purpose, and as previously stated it would also be some form of reassurance to your g/f that you mean business. My thoughts are what's stopping you doing this. If you're so intent and keen to be with this girl.?

[positiveparent]

If you went about this a lot slower and dated her, got engaged, and did the usual "courting" thing I believe her family would come around, because it would then have shown them that you are sincere but doing as you are so soon, would have anyone's parents heading for the hills, they don't know you neither does she I don't care how good you think your connection is, it is far too soon.

This is why they aren't interested.

[Homegirl 50]

I agree with you positiveparent.
These people don't know you and you seem to be plowing along awfully fast.
She has asked you to leave her alone, if you respect her, you will. It's really that simple.
Perhaps she is welcoming this interference by her parents. She may not be into you as much as you are into her, so respect her wishes and leave her alone.
I dare say you don't know her well enough to know what she really wants.

[positiveparent]

sorry homegirl have to spread the rep
I agree with your post though,

I am, also thinking maybe this so say parental intervention is not so much their doing more of a joint effort from both parents and daughter. Something doesn't seem right. What better way for her to get out of a relationship she feels is going too fast, and that too would explain her asking you not to push it with them.

Sorry fella I think you've been dumped or that's what is coming. Just a gut feeling...

You're not infallible it happens to the best of people...

[smcas2305]

Ok.. Probably time to end this thread to be honest.. People seem to read between the lines, when the whole story is right here. Firstly positive - As I did mention, I HAVE sent her parents a very informative, very peaceful, very non-demanding letter. It was not sent by mail as you recommended, but it was sent, and was very heartfelt.. It all but fell on deaf ears.

RE: Homegirl - Being in control is the last thing I am attempting here.. There has been an abundance of open communication here. Have you not seen my constant mention of sitting back, enjoying the ride, etc? I straight up offered the quote she had given me, then later mentioned a recent conversation we had today stating her concern was more of being hurt in the future, to which I replied with patience and kindness. RE: Plowing ahead.. YES, it was a mutual plowing if you will, that has ONLY been tamed by the parents, and their inability to relinquish control.

I do not argue with a single response that has been offered, and deeply appreciate them, but seems things have gone way of course, if they were ever there to begin with.

This has all been stated, but responses seem to come blind to the facts that have been offered.

[Cat1864]

Your contradicting yourself. You say that you are willing and have been to sit back and 'enjoy the ride'. However, you also use language like the following:

She definitely is reluctant to share my urgency in action but not in words, emotion, expression, body language, etc..

I called her out in a very positive, joking manner today that her true fear is her actually falling for me, only to have me become one of those other men.. To abandon her, and the man she had believed me to be.. She said I was absolutely right..

'... share my urgency... ' does not sound like sitting back and watching her to make changes at HER own pace. I don't think you see how quickly this is moving and how much faster you seem to want it to go.

Even love at first sight and chemistry need trust to develop into a full healthy relationship. She has been hurt in the past and so have her parents. You admit that your past has a huge cloud hanging over it (not by your doing as much by circumstances of where you were employed) that hits on the hurt that they experienced. You're asking them to let go of what they know from living through it and trust you to be the wonderful person you seem to be.

Fear takes time to let go and I think their reaction to you is based in fear that is well-founded as far as they are concerned.

Give them time to get over the fear and to see by your consistent actions and words that you are someone they can trust. I think that is something their daughter is having to rebuild with them and herself along with learning what she wants in life.

[talaniman]

In truth, no one can answer your question about how to win over controlling parents. That's not even the point. The whole point is what to do about the girl, despite how the parents feel. I think that's the part we have tried to address, because that's the part that's important.

Its not the parents you are pursuing at all, but what's obvious by what you write that things are not going as fast as you want it to, and your blaming her parents for that, and that's simply not true. By her own words she has fears that are holding her back, as its her, not the parents who is going to control the pace of this interaction. As well she should given her history. If you do NOT have the courage to take a risk, and see what happens, then surely you should rethink your pursuit. For whatever reasons she is still in contact with you, if you do not be patient, open, and honest, then what would be the point.

That's all you can do guy, because if you can't get exactly what you want, when you want it, then you have to make the adjustments to your own thinking and accept the pace and method she has chosen to see who you are, and what your about.

I don't doubt your feelings are intense, and maybe you know them better than us. Probably true. But as long as her feelings are dominated by fear, or caution, then you have to slow your roll, and deal with the circumstances as they are. Impatience is your enemy, not her parents, they are but security, and safety for her as she follows her path that she has mapped out for herself and what mature adult throws her own hopes and dreams away for a guy who says the right things now, but what about later.

She has already been hurt once, so she would be foolish to believe this next stranger (YOU), are about what you say.

Sorry guy, if you want what she has, as bad as you say, expect to work hard and prove it. If your not up for that. Do as she says, and leave her alone.

[positiveparent]

Hi Again OP, what's been offered to you via this thread is genuine and healthy advice and suggestions for you to prove yourself to this girls parents and the girl too. I now feel that the parents aren't being controlling at all they're being what any caring and responsible parents would be their looking out for their daughters health and well being and of course her security.

Maybe you can't or don't want to see this for yourself, Im a parent, if I had a daughter who I discovered was seeing a Man, that wanted or hoped she would go against our wishes in order to be with him, after only knowing him for approx 1-2 months Id be inclined to lock her in the tower, I don't know about anything else, what you hope for or expressed in this thread is in a word wreckless.

Its inconsiderate and thoughtless too, and its also down right scary, you do not know this girl or barely, or she you, for all these people know you could be wanting to whisk her off into a hareem or some cult slavery prostituition, to become a drug runner, courier, or any number of horrible lifestyles, that may mean they never see their precious daughter again,and just like animals in the wild those parent are guarding their young, protecting the nest, they're worried.

You may think you know your stuff I don't think you do, all you are being governed by now is the one eyed jap, your lust and desire to possess this young woman, and in my opinion once you achieve that conquest you would slowly lose interest, it's the thrill of the chase. That's what's piquéd your interest, but you have conveniently dressed it in a flowery hearts façade, and you yourself are even under its spell and you're calling it a connection, I think there's only one connection on your mind or in your agenda and that with this girl in a sexual manner, you expressed no real desire to get to know her, or to date her, by the book, with that leading to a commitment.

Yes you expressed you want her, not that you intend to make her your wife mother of your children blah blah, that separates the chaff from the grain

Personally I think you would most probably end up controlling this girls life, you see in others what you yourself are...

You're deflecting your intentions onto her parents by way of saying they're controlling, well if that's so how would you be so aware of this when you haven't met them.