New to the site, but hoping for some logic here.

Background - I'm a 35 year old male, who has recently become involved with a 24 year old female. (Granted, the age thing here would normally be a deterrent to me, but somehow, this particular combination works.) She is a professional in a very demanding position, which has offered her a strong sense of maturity that most her age I would dare say, lack. I personally have never been married, have been blessed with generally healthy relationships, a strong communicator and a undeniable need to fight for what I want.

With that said, let it be known that almost from the beginning this woman has captured my attention beyond anything I have experienced before. Almost completely she has stimulated me mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and profoundly! Within only a month, and VERY limited time spent in each others company, we are both, without question falling in love with each other. It feels so healthy, and good, and blessed. We have a near complete connection that suffers from not a single flaw, all be it one..

She still lives at home, with her parents. She is very capable of living on her own, but has yet to make the choice to do so. She admits she is saving for a home, and in short time plans to be move out...

Since almost the beginning of this "relationship," they have been very vocal to her that I am wrong for her. Firstly stating that I am too old, then wrongfully accusing and judging me of items which they have never felt the need to confront me on. Either way, this family have all but demanded that she cease any contact with me...

I believe myself to be very respectful, very patient and very willing to do whatever it takes for something of utter importance to me.. As this woman is. I have made clear, no matter what the cost I will find a way to win them over, even though they have never given me the opportunity to even sit in their presence to state a defense, show my character, etc. I can say without question that in a very short time I have fallen in love with this woman, I believe she would completely reciprocate these feelings. However...

She has made very clear to me she will not go against her parents wishes, and since they have deemed me... unworthy in not so many words, there is truly no hope for us. She openly admits to a connection with me like she has never known, and believes together we could have a wonderful future. Yet, she unwilling to even entertain that future as long as her parents feel this way.

I do not believe she is even remotely willing to stand up to them regarding this, and would honestly begin to sacrifice near perfection for the sake of keeping peace in her home.

In fairness, she was in a position a while back which caused her parents to challenge her rightful thinking, and possibly gain trust issues with her. It seems that I now pay for the actions of this past.

I know there is little I can do to win these people over currently. I have taken minor steps to initiate an open communication with the family (emails) but other than that, I know I would do more harm than good should I pursue the parents any more aggressively. She has stated their minds will not change...

I have made it clear to this woman that I would never desire for her to go against her family, especially knowing how strong her bond is to them. (Even though I do not know how much is a true strength, and how much is a fear of disobeying, disappointing, etc.)

I am lost here. I am watching a once in a lifetime opportunity slip through my grasp, with me being unable to put up the proper defense. I would fight for this woman, no matter the cost, but I will never be able to find it in my heart to have her break the "correct" bond with her parents. My respect for her, and sadly, for her judging parents is too great.

Today she asked me give up on her. (Actual quote) "I don't want to say this, but you have to give up on me. Nothing about this situation will ever change... I realize that. And I'm not gonna force you down their throats. I know you don't mean for that to happen, but that's what it would take. I'm crazy about you, but this won't work. I'm soooooo sorry."

To say that, yet be so absolutely head over heals for me, as I for her.

Please enlighten.. I am patient, but it is hard to hold out hope against these odds.

Not sure Im really quaified in this field to advise you but Ill have a go and hopefully others will also reply with more insightful advice.

From reading your post, it does appear that your are in a no win situation, can I ask are you from different religions, culture, race, etc.

I don't feel the age difference is too great

Is there anything at all that would have given them cause to doubt your credibility, or integrity in having a relationship with their daughter?

Do you know why the g/f is so reluctant to support you in this matter?

Have you tried writing a normal snail mail letter to them, and putting your case to them in this way, I sometimes feel the personal touch can go much further than the electronic way.

Has this always been the situation, as in they've felt this way since you first met their daughter? Has she had any previous relationships they have known of or where they welcomed the person she was seeing only for it to turn into a bad relationship?

No much advice I admit but maybe some questions to ponder.

Hope this helps somehow.

All of your points are very valid positive... We are virtually the same religious view, same race, etc.. There is something that would cause them to doubt my credibility yes.. I was formerly involved in a company that went down with the president skipping town with a large amount of investors money.. (Basically a ponzi scheme.) There were over 200 employees, I was no different other than the fact I was very vocal with the media, web forums, etc.. Being how open I was, I became an easy target. I have since proved my absolute lack of any criminal involvement, however they merely chose to believe the conjecture, rumors, and hateful words of a select few individuals.

Why she seems so reluctant to support me is the problem.. I believe she is ultimately intimidated of disappointing her parents, or going against their wishes.

I have not gone to the length of a mailed letter since I do not knowingly have their address.. While it would be so easily attainable, I fear they would take that as me going too far.

I have only recently met their daughter, and it has seemed this were the case since she initially mentioned me. They have tried to find fault with me as a suitor, not me personally. (My view.)

She did have a previous relationship where the ex burned her and her family pretty badly.. He was also 11 years older.. I tend to believe I am paying for her ex's sins...

Smcas, I think I'm in a relatively similar situation as you are in. Slight differences, in which my girlfriend is not willing to "give up" on our relationship despite what her parents have said. She is currently on lockdown, and her parents have done everything except tell her, "Stop seeing him."

The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to stay out of the argument. It's obviously between her and her parents, and it's a decision that she needs to make. Getting ourselves entangled is a lose-lose situation. Just be supportive of her, in whatever decision she makes, and hopefully things will work out either way.

Things will definitely work out either way, I agree. I did read your situation and it is similar in many ways.

I know there is little I can do here other than to show support, but it is a terrible feeling to be judged without ever standing trial. To see something so, without question, amazing in front of you willing to slipping away due to either a lack of knowledge on how to stand up to them, or a fear of doing so..

You are right, the root here is her and her parents.. I do believe if it were any other guy right now, they would be dealing with this..

Unlike any other guy however, I refuse to completely back down. :)

I agree. I'm not willing to back down, however, eventually the time will come when she has to decide between you and her parents, unless the parents come around... which seems unlikely.

It's a crappy situation, and we can only hope things get better. Just have to walk that fine line between supporting her and also protecting yourself in case things go south.

Quote:

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"I don't want to say this, but you have to give up on me. Nothing about this situation will ever change... I realize that. And I'm not gonna force you down their throats. I know you don't mean for that to happen, but that's what it would take. I'm crazy about you, but this won't work. I'm soooooo sorry."

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Sounds like she is gently dumping you, to me. And for all the feelings you have, and a fighting spirit, she is not going to rock her own boat. Not sure how long you have been dating her but its rather obvious, your in to deep, to soon, and she may not be in as deep as you are. For sure, this kind of drama this early on, can't be good for you, or her.

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Originally Posted by smcas2305

I have not gone to the length of a mailed letter since I do not knowingly have their address.. While it would be so easily attainable, I fear they would take that as me going too far.

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She lives at home. Her address should be their address. Do you not know her address? I think I am sensing a red flag.

How well do you really know this woman?

As mentioned initially.. "Recently..." It has been only a month since meeting.

Don't get me wrong, I do not fall fast, hard or often.. (35 here, more than my share of relationships, but none of which have had such an impacting movement on me so obviously soon... )

There in lies the problem. I was shot down almost immediately from the start, with the parents offering me not even a chance of a trial if you will.

I believe myself to be a good man, have a relatively successful company, a strong past, and an incredibly bright future..

I have never been shot down by a woman's parents, and have taken pride in that.. Much less parents which have not even blessed me with the opportunity to meet them.


As to how well I know her.. Of course there is only so much that can be known by someone this... new. I can say without question I have had more open conversation with her in one month than I have ever truly allowed myself with most other woman I have known in three.

I believe I know well what makes her tick, in all aspects but how to assist in this matter.

Just so you know your actions and decisions are based on just feelings because you have few facts at this point.

Back up to a safe emotional distance and re evaluate your situation.

I agree.. Have been in that process for a couple days now.. Analyzing the entire situation with minimal contact..

I just wish this woman could see there is more after life than her parents approval..

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Originally Posted by smcas2305

I agree.. Have been in that process for a couple days now.. Analyzing the entire situation with minimal contact..

I just wish this woman could see there is more after life than her parents approval..

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It sounds like she has only known you for a few months, she has known her parents her entire life. You have to take that into consideration.

The one thing that sticks out for me is that she did not say anything about a future with you after she moves away from her parents.

The omission indicates from my vantage point that she is indeed letting you down gently and using their disapproval as an excuse in the hope that it shields you from being hurt.

If her parents have an unreasonable influence on her,she may have been convinced to see their point of view and she has come to agree with their perception.

That is the one downside to dating someone who is ten years your junior.

In another place and time ,if she was more mature and had lived on her own ,it may have had a different outcome but as it stands,I think you need to respect her wishes and let this go.

Artlady - Quite the contrary.. She is even now, often the one initiating conversation of "future times.."

The more I ponder this, the more it rings to me that the issues is most likely not with me, but with her and her parents..

I believe any guy in my situation with her, would be going through this now...

I still stand by the fact that the connection here is... immaculate..

Just thought I would check back to see how you're doing OP.

One thing I am thinking is she's never lived away from home, so all she knows is what she has lived with all of her life with her parents, perhaps this is why she's so reluctant to go against them or that's how it seems, she knows no other way.

So therefore it would mean she would be stepping into unknown territory, which I feel would be scary for her. She knows she can rely on her parents they've been there all of her life and they're dependable. You on the other hand could drop her tomorrow and maybe this is what's on her mind. She's sticking with the tried and tested.

Perhaps you could take a step back and let her have time without you on one side and her parents on the other, tell her you'll be around when and if she decides to be with you.

I don't think there's much else you can do, you have to consider the girlfriend is being pulled this way and that way and it must be like living in hell on earth for her. They do say if you love someone let them go if they come back it was meant to be if they don't it wasn't...

From what you've told us, it's very clear that you're wlling to fight and be patient with her.

On the other hand, it sounds like she's slowly drifting away from you. She made it clear that she's never going to go against her parents' wishes. Where do you think that leaves you?

Let's say she plays everything by the book. She follows her parents' rules completely. What happens next? She didn't even propose a solution. Instead, she told you to give up.

Sounds like she already gave up fighting. This has become a one-way relationship. It's great that you want to keep going, but if she's not going to reciprocate the effort, then this relationship is going to end whether you want to or not.

I understand that you're not ready to give up. Do what you feel you need to do, so that you don't have any regrets for not trying harder. But unless she has a complete 180 degree role reversal (who knows if that will even happen) and begins to start putting in some effort, this relationship is bound to end. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can move on with your lfie.

There is no such thing as an immaculate relationship after a month or two. May feel like it because she may be feeding you some hope, but that is only her means of keeping you around while she slows things down.

Its foolish to expect a smart mature female to give up her parents, and their security to run into the arms of a older mature guy. More than foolish, unrealistic.

Now she has thrown many obstacles in the way of you having what you want, when you want it. But don't be deceived, she is in full control, and knows exactly what she is doing, and you are merely reacting, hoping, and pursuing.

But its at her pace and in her time, so forget tripping over her parents and think with facts and NOT just feelings of what you want so bad so soon into this.

That's just so you have an objective perspective to see what's going on with some clarity.

You haven't said how long the relationship has been going? Or if you did I can't spot it.
I am beginning to think maybe your g/f is having cold feet, and as others have been saying she's letting you down lightly,

It seems you're on different pages however you look at it.

If you push too hard she will go anyway. I am now thinking you should cut your losses and call it a day, move on and forget about it. You haven't known each other long, if you had been in a long term relationship already that might have helped.

She's 24 she knows the score, she knows she could leave home at anytime, she doesn't want to, doesn't that tell you something it does me...

Everyone is sent into our lives for a reason, we either have something they need to learn about or the other way around and its us who needs the lesson.

I feel if there is a lesson for you to learn here it's that you can't always have what you want when you want it.

Also if something is worth having its worth waiting for, you still have options open to you, you could write the parents a personal letter, and put your case to them, you said you can find out their address, send it recorded delivery that way they sign for it so you'll know its been received.

However with this not being a very long relationship, without your g/f co-operation then you're basically up the creek without a paddle. However a personal letter might also show your g/f you really do mean business and that could be what's needed to spur her on.

Sometimes you have to earn the right to get what you want in life.

Firstly.. I do appreciate all the input..

To touch on a few notes.. By no means did I say an immaculate relationship, but merely an immaculate connection.. Far from each other.

I strongly agree as to the limited time here. Reason for my constantly mentioning my age, dating history, etc.. I have been through my share of relationships, more than my share in fact. Never would I have said after a month or so I was falling for someone.. It just doesn't happen for me. I am slow to connect, and slow to allow entry.. This was the one true exception in all my dating life.

As mentioned I have all but pulled myself from this picture. To allow for myself to see this picture.. Even at this distance, I still like and desire what I see.

I am truly beginning to see the issue is not with me, or my age, or past, or anything (per her parents words.. ) But in fact the issue is between her and her parents..

That they have taken control of her adult life, and feel unwilling to return control to her, until she steps up and takes it.

I will not be the man to tell her to do so, but I will encourage her to do what is right.

Unfortunately I believe I have failed to offer my true question from the start here. I believe in my heart this woman's feelings are true, but believe she is terrified, and uneducated when it comes to standing up to her parents. She is 24, and even though living under their roof, is under a deep feeling of over control.

I say again, I believe this would be happening to anyone in her life right now.

I know a thing worth fighting for when I see it. To me, this is it.

I know the only thing that will make a difference here is her standing up to her parents.. Will that happen? I believe when she sees a possible wonderful future slipping, possibly.

Did I answer my own question? Maybe. :)