[whatsagirltodo]

My exhusband and I split when my son was 5 weeks old. He then disappeared off the face of the earth. I know that boys need to know both parents. He has recently come calling and wants to see my son. Suggestions on preparing my son?

[dontknownuthin]

I would suggest that you consult with a child psychologist and an attorney before you arrange a meeting to get some professional advice.

As for preparing your son, I think it would be helpful for many kids to get a letter from their father explaining the basics of what happened, and saying that they'd like to meet, along with some photographs. The photos can be of the father, perhaps where he lives, his dog, his family if he's gone on to start another one and so on.

You can then share this letter with your son, and then help him talk through it and process the information. You can offer to help him come up with a list of questions he might have for his father.

It would also be helpful to manage your son's expectations of his father so that he's protected to some extent from further hurt and disappointment and rejection if his Dad disappears for another 9 years.

As for a meeting, I would keep the first meeting short, and you should be there the whole time. You can step away after a while but keep your son in your sights the whole time and if you don't want to step away, don't. Trust your gut.

Your son should also have a chance to express his feelings about being abandoned and not having a Dad all these years he was growing up, and your ex should sit and listen and take full responsibility for those disappointments and should not try to diminish the child's feelings at all. Your ex should commit to you that he will listen to your son's feelings and answer his questions as a condition of the meeting in my opinion.

I hope that helps. My son will be meeting his birth parents within the next year - it's been 15 years since he was removed from their custody due to abuse and neglect but he wants to meet them when he turns 16. It's hard to know what to do but like you, I know I have to let my son have his answers to complete his picture of who he is and where he came from. My gut is that these people hurt my son, as your ex has hurt his, and I don't want to give them a chance to do so again. But letting him meet them is not the same as giving him back or inviting them into our lives long term , nor does your son's meeting with his father have to be that either.

Take care!

[whatsagirltodo]

Thank you SO much! That is the most enlightening response I've had so far. Interesting that you've been through the adoption process- I'm done and approved and waiting for a match through Children's aid- that's the only reason I've learned how important their history is to them. I do think I'll consult with a psychologist first. I did speak to a lawyer a while ago who had some awesome advice as well, but more about $ than the affects on my child. Thanks again. I really appreciate your insight.

[dontknownuthin]

Understandable - the attorney is probably thinking (rightfully so!) that here you've found the guy... time to collect some support. Don't be too nice - even if you don't need the money, your child will benefit from it as a college fund and your child should know that his father contributed something to his support - it's important.

Good luck with your adoption. Not that you're asking for advice on the adoption but want to share some advice that served me well after I was approved and while I was waiting for my son...

You can control a lot - the circumstances you're comfortable with, how much you can afford in terms of assessing the needs of particular birth parent situations like travel, what you will agree to in terms of ongoing contact and many other things. What you have absolutely no control over is how long it will take. Do not count the days unless you are counting how many you've finished waiting - how many days you are closer to having your child. It could be tomorrow, it could be in two years, but if it's taking a long time it's only because your child isn't ready for you yet.

Take care!