[Fleet1Wood]

Hello:
Please offer your best advice. I married a man 18 years ago who was not the father of the child with whom I was pregnant. I did not notify the father of that child, as we had broken off our relationship, and I knew that he would not want marriage under any circumstances. I did not know for certain whether he would or would not want involvement with his child. At the time, I did not feel certain he did, and I wanted my child to have a devoted father and family life. The man I married was a long time friend. We had a close emotional bond. He wanted a family life, and so did I, and so this is what we decided. We had one other child, but eventually our marriage failed and after 6 years we divorced, with amicable custody arrangements. I have remarried since, and am happy. But my oldest son will soon turn 18, and I and my ex-husband are considering informing him of his biological heritage.
In the meantime, I have found the biological father. I have not contacted him for 18 years. We moved out of state after our marriage, so I have had no knowledge of what he has done with his life since then. But I casually reconnected with an old mutual friend of the biological father, only to discover that he became an ordained catholic priest ten years ago. He had been in the seminary for a short time before I met him, and I knew even when we were dating that this was something that still had appeal, but I did not realize he had followed through. It seems we have both gotten on with our lives. But now, I feel this dilemma, and am torn between the need to tell my son the truth about his biological father, and my fear that this would not only be disruptive, but potentially could end the biological father's work as a catholic priest.
This is a very difficult situation. I hold no animosity toward the biological father, and in fact feel responsible in some ways for the situation as it is. Perhaps I should have told him 18 years ago. But now I am trying to decide the best course of action for both my son and for his biological father. I would appreciate any thoughts on the matter. Thank you.

[ScottGem]

This should not affect his work since the conception occurred before he took his vows. But I agree it is a dilemma. What I would suggest is finding out who is bishop or superior is. I would then contact that person and explain the situation. Let him advise you

[MasterFramer]

Personnally I would tell him. It shouldn't affect anything with his current proffession, since he works for God, and God already knows that the child is his right? He should hear it from you and not anyone else. Good Luck, and remember, he is the boy's father.

[Fr_Chuck]

Actually if anyone should be angry it will be the bio father and the child, you have no reason to hold anything against anyone, you and the ex husband are the ones that did not tell the truth of the situation

If the ex signed the birth certificate ( which is fraud of course) he should have paid child support these last years, so if he did not care about paying support that is OK too

But the man has a righ to know he had a son, and the boy has a right to know, should have been told years ago, expect him to be mad and hold resentment for a while.

[dontknownuthin]

Wow. First I think you should have told the father long ago - like as soon as you knew you were pregnant. And your son should have been raised knowing the truth. But that damage is done and you need to be aware that your deception all these years will be very hurtful to your son, the man he knows as his father, and the man who is his biological father. Make sure your motives are pure here - if you are trying to stick it to your ex-husband, for example - or you are dallying with the idea of reuniting with the child's father - well, don't do it.

If you do decide to come clean after all these years, you need to let your child know in advance that you have something serious to discuss with him and do so in a private place where he will not be embarrassed or put on the spot to respond in any particular way, and both you and his father - the man you were married to - should be there. It should be your son's decision at that point as to whether he wants to pursue telling and meeting his birth father. He is now 18 and your right to now interfere in his privacy by telling his birth father about him... well, it's not your right any more. It's your son's.

It's a mess because that man does have a right to know he fathered a child, but most of that right had to do with participating in raising the child and you've already taken that away from him. The child is grown.

Not to be harsh, but I just hope that you will have an understanding that no matter how altruistic your intentions, your child has a lot to be angry about, as does his birth father, and I hope you will take that anger with grace and humility.