[bmw2001]

Hi Everyone

My sister fell pregnant, and separated with the father of the child when the child was about 6 months old. He cut off all ties, with the mother and the child. My sister met another men, and started a serious relationship with him. He informally adopted the son as his own, and the child was introduced to his family as his own. The couple lived with his parents. The son is now 4 years old. The boyfriend died in May this year. Since his death, my sister's relationship with the in laws turned sour. They accused her of hiding his monies. She had also told one of the family member's that her son, was not really that of her boyfriend. The family started acting out, discriminated the son since he was not one of them. She was forced to live the in laws and come back to live with my parents.

The biological father seldoms calls my sister. She has never allowed her to speak to the child, since she was afraid that would confused the child. The child believes that the deceased was his father. At home, there is another sister that lives with her 10 year old. The 10 year old seems to be very insensetive, and always telling hos her dad is going to buy her toys. She also knows the biological father since she a bot old when the son was conceived. She came back one and told the son that she had seen his real father. This confused the son, since he has bene told that his father is dead.

Should my sister tell her son the truth, when is the right age to tell him, and how should she tell him?

[DoulaLC]

Your sister and her boyfriend should have been honest with everyone in the first place. Now she will have to undo the mess herself and she should do so soon to avoid anymore hurt feelings, upset, and confusion.

She can let her son know that she and this other man, his true father, loved each so much they wanted him to be part of their family. They decided they weren't going to stay together when he was very little, and his "father" decided he loved him so much too so he raised him as his son. He was surrounded by love as so many people wanted him in their lives.

She should probably also write a letter, if not going in person, and speak to this other man's family. Yes, perhaps they didn't treat her well after the man died, and we only have the one side of the story, but she was dishonest with them as well and should make amends. They now likely feel they have not only lost a son but also a grandson.

Once she gets it all out in the open, she won't have to worry about who hears what. Who knows, there may even come a time when the true father and son start having some contact.

[jfredifer]

I have a four year old son also and you would be surprised to know what all they understand. Think about what the child needs to know, he does not need all the details. It might also be helpful if you had a couple of pictures handy to explain things better( this is your real dad and this is the man who helped raise you, who died)
My advice comes from a similar situation, my brother-in-law died this June and my son handled it really well. He still asks about where his uncle is when we go to my sisters house, and when we remind him, my son understands and talks about it.
I think it would be easier on all of you to just put it all on the table. It will probable help your sister as well

[dontknownuthin]

Your nephew is very young so I'd keep it very simple. She should call the biological father and meet with him without the child to make a plan. If he wants to play an active role in the little boy's life as his father, I would suggest that they figure out what that will entail.

The first several visits, Mom needs to be there the entire time. Then visits with Dad should graduate - perhaps he comes to the child's house and plays with him while mom runs to the store - a casual thing. Take small steps... when the child is comfortable being left with Dad, then Dad takes him to the playground (walking) and later takes him somewhere in the car and so on. This is how we transitioned my son, who was adopted as a toddler, from his foster home to our home.

When the child is comfortable with him, he can say, "you know, I'm so sorry that your daddy died. You must sometimes wish you still had him, and that you still had a Daddy. I know I can't be him, but I really love you too, and I was wondering if it's ok if I could be your new Daddy. Talk about it from the perspective of a child's very basic concerns. Explain that the new Daddy will not be married to Mommy and will have his own house, and that the child will have his own room for when he visits Daddy. Make sure the child knows that he isn't moving, and nothing about Mommy or his daycare or other things are going to change.

As for explaining the birth versus adopted children idea, do that slowly at an age appropriate level. There are some great children's books for explaining adoption, and some great children's books for explaining biological parent/child relationships. One adoption book by Fred Rogers (who used to do Mr. Rogers) was great for me. You could read it a few times, and then mention about his adoptive father, "that's just like your Dad Bill - Mommy met him when you were a tiny baby and he loved you so much he adopted you and became your Daddy because Mommy didn't have a husband yet."

Then you can just drop little bits and pieces, "you know, every baby is made from a special baby seed from the Daddy, planted by God in the Mommy. You were made from a seed from your new Dad, and planted inside of Mommy until you were ready to be born. Daddy wasn't ready to be a Daddy yet, but now he's back and he has waited so very long just to be your Dad, just when you need a Dad!"

If this guy is not going to play an active role though, I wouldn't even do this. It's selfish if he just wants to see his son, and then vanish again. The child's had enough loss and should not have too many young experiences of people coming and going, particularly fathers, as for boys, father's are so essential for building their confidence and sense of self, and as their examples for growing up and rejection or loss of a father can really be devastating, and should not be repeated.