[DerelictHerds]

I'm 17 and my ex is currently 18. I just began my last year of HS and she began her first year of college. We're never really more than 6 miles away from each other since we go to school in the same town. We've been dating for about 1.5 years. We never argued until the beginning of 2009 or so. We were sexually active with each other and we both wanted to get married and have children. This past June I found out she cheated on me with one of my friends a few weeks earlier. She said she thought I was going to break up with her, but I never felt I showed that and I never thought about doing it. If anything, she was the one acting distant.

She said she wanted us to work, so I forgave her and we tried to move on. She told me she needed a break from us a week later. I took it seriously and became very understanding and even discussed rules for the break with her. Although I was doing all the talking.. she barely spoke up about what she needed. So the break goes on.. we speak a little bit each day. Good morning's, goodnight's, I love you's. Until one day I hear nothing from her. Freaking out, I drive to her house. Her parents tell me she's at a friend's house. She never goes to a friends house so I knew exactly where she was. I drive to his house and find her there. Enraged as I am start yelling at her at the top of my lungs as she walks out with her head down. I find out she's been having sex with him. I talked to her that night and the next few days. I don't even remember why or what we talked about. But it was about everything that happened and it was tense. I should have just threw her out of my life, but I held on to her. I didn't want to believe this happened and I still told her I wanted to be with her. My first serious relationship coming to an end so it was a buffet of bad decisions made by me.

She said she was torn between me and him. I gave her a choice and after a few days, she said she picked me. She didn't seem overjoyed, but she felt relieved. She said she would cut contact with him but she wanted me to tell him that she wanted to be with me. Because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. I thought it was weird but I did it anyway. We lasted a week as you could have guessed before she broke up with me again. Telling me she wanted to be my best friend but the other guy makes her happy and I don't. Yet after the breakup, she never got back together with him. That week I did bring back things she'd done to hurt me almost every day when I felt enraged about it..

So yeah, she broke up with me, I became depressed for a few days afterwards then all of a sudden I quit talking to her. No contact out of the blue without telling her. Within the day, she kept texting and texting begging for me to talk to her. Saying things like "I think Ive made the wrong decision", "I guess it's that easy to throw me away..", "I have changed my mind, but I guess you dont want to have anything to do with me...". And things like that. I wanted her so bad, but I was on guard for anything. We made a date together and we went to a local park. I dressed up a little and she dressed in this beautiful summer dress and we spent the day taking photos of the animals, ponds, woods, etc. There was no tension at all that date. It was like none of this had ever happened. I took her home and gave her a kiss and she embraced me for a few minutes. She said that she wanted to be mine again. I told her that I didn't know. That we both would have a lot of work to do if we really wanted to make this work.

The month and a half afterwards was incredible. We began to make love again. It was easily the best sex we've had. She acted so happy around me, clinging to me, hugging on to me, wanting to come over every other day. She was going on a trip to Virginia to visit family friends for about 5 days and before she left she told me that when she came back, she was going to give me a lot of kisses, hugs, love (just sweet things that she normally said).

So she left for her trip. Up to the mountains in virginia. We had no way of contact. She told me she would text and call me everyday, but it didn't happen. She said it was because she had no reception. This time away from her, I began to get paranoid. A few days into her vacation something just hit me. I got this gut feeling. The feeling I got back in June when I know something isn't right. My paranoia took over me and I started with things like "I guess you dont want to talk to me then.." and it progressed to more and more stuff like "are you going to break up with me?". And I told her I felt like I did in June, and I told her to please understand that even though it is forgiven and forgotten, there are still going to be lingering thoughts. And that I will just need her reassurance and love to get through it. It kept up for about a week after she came back on Aug. 17th. Everything became weirder and weirder.. she all of a sudden had no time to spend with me.. Every day was chores, cooking dinner, etc when she never had that keeping us apart. We hung out 2 days since she came back the 17th and had sex one of those days, it seemed normal.

Around the time college started (Aug 25th), She wouldn't text me, call me, talk to me except for a few minutes each day. I kept telling her about this gut feeling. That I knew something was wrong and I kept asking and asking and she kept telling me I was just paranoid. That she wasn't going to break up with me or have a repeat of June. I didn't insult her or anything about this gut feeling. I just needed to communicate this problem to her and talk about it. She didn't seem to understand that.

August 27th she broke up with me. She told me that she needs to focus on education and that we had our whole lives ahead of us. That she doesn't want to think about marriage or kids right now. When she broke up with me she told me I was immature and irresponsible. Because she lives with a family who make her do all the chores and cook every night for them. And I'm fortunate to live in a house where all 4 of my family members equally take responsibility for chores. I told her this and she kept saying "That's good". She said I didn't take initiative one time when my dog peed on the floor and she stepped in it. At the time it happened, I remember that I was looking around the house for something important and that I needed it quickly. That's why I didn't stop and clean the ing mess up. I told her that. I disproved every reason she had to believe I was irresponsible and immature. It was a shock to me because my family and I knew SHE was always the immature one.

I think this college is getting to her head. She's been stressed to hell about it for the last week of our relationship and it's turned her into some cavalier person. And she's pushing everyone close to her away. Enough of her attitude post-breakup...

So she broke up with me, I quit talking to her. I ignored the few texts she sent apologizing for insulting how my family runs things here and wishing me a good day at school and that she still cares about me. I haven't returned a sing message she's sent to me on my phone and computer, which hasn't been too many. Just messages wanting to talk to me. Like we're going to have this great friendship after she broke up with me. Like she can have all the benefits of having me in her life without commitment.

No. F'ing. Way. I love her to death, but these breakups just keep getting easier and easier. Right now I feel fine. I get the occasion sadness, longing for the good times. But I soon realize that the person I fell in love with is not the person she's been for the past 3 months. I realized I don't miss her, I miss who she used to be. I miss the thought of having someone who loved me and wanted me as much as I wanted her. That is why it has been so easy to get her out of my life. Because I realized she is no longer the person I knew. Or maybe she was never the person I thought I knew. Doesn't matter now, it's over with and I'm doing good.

I did bring back her bathing suit yesterday that was still at my house. I left it on the backdoor, knocked and backed out of her driveway (I knocked because I cared enough to make sure she got it immediately and that no insect made its home in her suit). She stood outside after I had backed out and stared at me. I stared back for a few second then drove away. Later on that day she sent a text thanking me for bringing it back and asked why I didn't knock to come in and talk. I didn't respond to it and remember, I haven't responded to anything since the breakup 3 days ago.

Well this is where Im at now. I feel good, I feel I can get her out of my life. I understand a lot of things I didn't during this process and Im not going to list it all here since Ive already said too much as it is.

I guess the reason Im typing this here is to see what everyone else believes her feelings and motives were during this whole thing. Still haven't talked to her and the urge to is very minimal. From all of your experiences, why do you believe she did the things she did, said the things she did.

I believe I've been used to the point it's just funny to me now that I see it all clearly. I do still feel the pain, but I know I'm doing the right thing by cutting off all contact with her. I still love her and I'm still in love with her, but I believe it'll all soon go away.

[talaniman]

From all of your experiences, why do you believe she did the things she did, said the things she did.

Because she could. The girl you knew in high school grew up, and her feelings changed, but for whatever reason, she could not be honest with you. She expected you to forgive her again and again, and thankfully, at least now, you are doing the right thing for yourself, and staying out of a relationship with her. Yes, your feelings will pass in time, and you will see all the red flags along the way that led to this break up.

[amicon]

Yes she s stressed out over college but I doubt anyone could tell you what she meant by what she said.she wants space and you are doing well with the NC. I also think you are missing the person you THOUGHT she was.all the best.

[DerelictHerds]

I sent her an email today:

I'll keep this as short as I can. I love you and I've done nothing but love you the right way. But I don't think being in contact with you would be the best thing for me right now. I need to move on and being friends with you will not allow me to. There is no other way of getting rid of these feelings I have for you except time and meeting new people. I wish you the best.

And she emailed me 3 times and texted me once. Asked if I was erasing her from my life and act like she never existed. And to please please please be her friend. That she doesn't think I'm making the right choice here.

It's a bit funny really.

[talaniman]

Betcha that boosted your ego. End these childish back and forth games, my friend, just do what you have to, and leave her alone. No more emails about what you have to do, its no longer her business.

Talaniman Rule- NC is for you to heal, not play head games for your amusement, or to feed your ego! Do it, don't discuss it!

[DerelictHerds]

Right. That was the one and only email I'm sending.

[DerelictHerds]

I'm in the middle of a break up, 3 weeks in, and I feel depressed as hell. I have another thread explaining the events up to this, but it's terribly long. All I've done this weekend is write depressive poems on deviantart and lurking here. I know I should keep busy. But at the end of the day, all the thoughts pile up and the bottom falls out.

This girl cheated on me. Twice. And I still love her. Understandable that I still have feelings towards her even after that, as there were definitely more great times than bad times. I just can't seem to see any hope of moving on at the moment, although I know there is.

Doesn't help that it's been rainy and cloudy all weekend either =/

I guess what I'm looking for is for some of you to read my other thread, come here, and give me the biggest slap in the face that you can. I'm in dire need of honesty as my heart is in control of my brain at the moment.

[I wish]

Please keep all the questions regarding the same issue in the same thread so that we can follow your story and give you more appropriate advice.

3 weeks is not a long time. You need to be patient and give yourself more time to heal. I suggest that you read some of the stickies to help you cope with the break up. But be patient with yourself. There's no magic potion to make the pain go away. It takes time.

[talaniman]

Give me the biggest slap in the face that you can. I'm in dire need of honesty as my heart is in control of my brain at the moment.

Grow up, and handle your business like a man. The weather doesn't matter when you have to do, what you have to do.
Little Johnny can cry about the rain because he wants to play, so what's your excuse?

If that's not hard enough,

Tell your heart to shut the freak up!!

[amicon]

No slaps from me just REMEMBER it does get better.Even if it rains!

[Starry nights]

In my opinion,you are already doing good,touchwood,and trust me,all you need to do is keep moving ahead.Occasional sadnesses are part of life,but keep reminding yourself,that those are just spells.Dont make the mistake of giving in and getting back into a relapse.

You'll do fine.All the best.

[DerelictHerds]

So a few hours into the day I realize that I didn't think about her when I woke up. Nor did I think about her until that moment.



NC. I'm loving it

[DerelictHerds]

She started drinking and smoking cigs/pot after we broke up. And now claims she's struggling with her sexuality.

Her parents are the ones who first gave her a joint/liquor/cigs/whatever prior to our breakup.

It seems instead of growing up, she's growing down. It hurts to see her make all these bad choices in her life. Why? I don't know. I shouldn't even give a .

[azif]

Of course you still care about her but She's not your problem anymore. Just be glad you're not being dragged down with her

[DerelictHerds]

Yeah man, I know.

I'm not easily influenced by those things. If I wanted to do them, I would do them.

It's funny. When she broke up with me she told me I was too immature and irresponsible (Soon to find out she got drunk and kissed a guy days before our breakup). Lmao


I take pleasure in knowing she left me for a life of that. Maybe I'm inhumane, but after what she's done to me, part of me enjoys knowing this, the other part feels sorry for her.

But yeah. Not my problem. She chose it.

[DerelictHerds]

My ex, out of no where, sent me a friend request on myspace. It said "Come on. Can't we at least try to be friends?" This isn't the first time she's done something like this. She's sent maybe 3 friend requests with messages so far since the breakup.

I made it clear to her that I don't want to be friends shortly after the breakup and the following weeks. And it's been made even more clear due to NC.

Yet, I come home, see a message on MSN (She's not on my friends list, you can send messages by typing the respondent's contact manually) and it says "I think I saw you driving the opposite way on my way home from college today :P". After that, I notice that friend request on myspace.

She has a boyfriend now and all that great stuff. I don't really care. I believe the guilt keeps catching up to her, and that's why she does this.

For those who haven't/dont feel like reading my OP's:

Girlfriend cheated
Got back together
Cheated again
Broke up with me (Before I found out about the 2nd time)
Begged me to be friends with her after the breakup

[paxe]

It's really good you're keeping NC. She has her life and you have yours, that's as far as it goes. Yes it isn't hard for a girl to find a guy for a rebound, but I guess it's hard to find a valuable guy for her future. Don't worry, we take the high road but we grow from up and we learn valuable life lessons. We mature and become wiser, we make our life fuller and more beautiful every day.

Though here is a general question for all of you: Why when we apply NC to our breakers they indulge in drug and alcohol? Why do they feel so much pain if they are the one who broke up, and why is there pain so extreme? (This is of course not in all cases but in a lot of them)

[itried]

Don't accept her friend request, no matter what. This is all a power trip for her. She wants to keep all her options on a string just in case something better comes along or something bad happens or her current relationship blows up in her face.

While she may have had the upper hand at one point, the time has come for you to turn the tables on her. No man should be kept under the thumb of a woman, under any circumstances, especially since that woman is obviously a loose skank like your ex. Trust me, one day she'll wish she never did all that crap to you and by that time you'll have moved on to bigger and much better things. Take my advice, I know a lot of skanks and they never change. They usually just wind up with the last sucker that's dumb enough to fall for their crap. No offence, but soon enough, you'll see her for what she is, that is of course unless you already have.

Keep NC! She's not your "friend" anymore!!

[DerelictHerds]

Don't worry, I'm not the least bit tempted to accept.

Thanks for the replies you both

[DerelictHerds]

UPDATE: I've been no contact for about 5 months. I feel I've moved on almost all the way, but sometimes I still feel a bit depressed thinking back to it. Today she sends me a message:

I've been wanting to apologize to you properly for a while. I know you don't like me sending you friend requests or messages (and, now added to my "don't do list" is leaving comments on tagged stuff that Dess is in, haha), but it really has been weighing heavy on my heart.
I've learned a lot from the friends I've made at Gaston. I've opened my eyes to what life is all about, and I've learned from mistakes in my past. I just want to get the chance to apologize properly to you (my definition of a proper apology is face-to-face, so that all parties involved know the level of sincerity, but I doubt you'd be up for that. I doubt that you even want to read this message), because what I did was wrong, really wrong. I'd get into the deep stuff at this point, but I have a feeling that it would be the wrong thing to do at the moment. For now, I just want you to know that I've been wanting to properly apologize for how bad I treated you. The mistakes I made. For the hell that I undoubtedly put you through. I destroyed what I cared about the most, and I destroyed those who cared about me the most. Due to my choices, I've been forced to learn the hardest lessons in life. I feel guilt and remorse every day for what I did to hurt you.
Listen, I'm not trying to snake my way back into your life. Nothing like that. Nothing schiesty or sketch. Lately I've been making amends with the people whom I've hurt, and a real apology to you is long overdue. This facebook message doesn't do any justice. I just want to make things right with the people who I've done wrong to. I don't want to know that there's unfinished business, unresolved anger, rage, sadness, whatever it may be, caused by and because of me... I just want to do the right thing, and with the recent amends I've been making, I feel like I'm getting on the right track.
So please, at least consider my words. I don't want to hurt you. I just want to apologize, make amends, and do the right thing instead of the wrong thing.

Sincerely,
xxxxxx

Should I meet with her in person? Should I ignore it?

Input please