Check out some similar questions!

erzan · Sep 5, 2009, 01:58 AM

Long story short. My ex came out (I am a guy) to his parents and the reaction was bad and they are not supportive. Parents cried, went to pyschologists and think 'leading a gay life would be too difficult'. His dad was very critical (said 'very scary stuff') regarding his sexual activities with guys at uni.

Trouble is for a year at uni he came out to everyone. First as bi but then eventually admitted to people he was gay. DAYS before he told his parents he came out to some friends he was gay. He would tell me how he is getting comfortable that he was.

Now he tells me he wants to regain the trust of his parents and argues he has a strong desire to have a relationship with a girl. (before he came out to his parents he would express to me how, the fact that he was gay he would not be able to have children made him sad)

His asked for my support in his decision to get 'pass the mental block he has with girls sexually' when uni begins. That not to tell anyone.

So here is my dilemma. It is clear his parents have derailed his track onto accepting who he is. To me his parents are being cruel, to say the least. But he will continue to talk about it to me, ask my opinions and advice. Do I just say 'do what makes you happy or best for you' or be more honest with what I am thinking ?

When is the right time for friends to be honest or to be silent and stay on the fence ? What if he asks for the truth, in which case should I just give my thoughts honestly regardless of the negativity ?

Fr_Chuck · Sep 5, 2009, 05:41 AM

A person should always be honest about who they are and their feelings.
So basically he should have talked to them early when sexual life style became into being.

excon · Sep 5, 2009, 06:07 AM

Originally Posted by erzan

When is the right time for friends to be honest

Hello e:

This afternoon at 4:45 PM, and every day thereafter...

excon

N0help4u · Sep 5, 2009, 06:55 AM

Sounds like he is confused and letting peoples opinions sway him. He needs to do a lot of soul searching and maybe even counseling/therapy. You say he said he has a mental block when it comes to girls sexually, if that means he has some kind of bad experience then a therapist is definitely what he needs. Maybe he is not gay but turned to it because of the bad experience?

Cat1864 · Sep 5, 2009, 08:42 AM

I'll echo the sentiment that it is always best to be open and honest with friends especially when extremely personal issues are involved. Part of that honesty is reminding him and yourself that you have your own opinion on the subject (whatever subject is being discussed). Keep in mind that being honest and open does not equate to brutal and confrontational.

If you listen to his problems with an open mind, hopefully, he will do the same in return when you share your concerns about his well-being (physical, mental and emotional). Be understanding that it may take awhile before he really listens to you without getting defensive.

He will ultimately have to make his own decisions about who and what he is. The best that you can do is be his friend and be there for him no matter what he chooses to do.

justcurious55 · Sep 5, 2009, 09:50 AM

Someone said something recently that made me realize just how important honesty is in a friendship. In high school there were these two girls who were and still are best friends. One of them I became especially close with, the other I count as a friend but we've never been the closest. So anyway, the one that I wasn't as close with, let's call her sally today, just really started to annoy everyone. She became very negative, always bad mouthing one person or another. She would get jealous and angry if our friend didn't spend enough time with her or call her often enough. She would ditch us to go hang out with her boyfriend (but then still get upset if our other friend didn't hang out with her). No one would say anything to her though because sally has always been very sensitive. And even though she was hurting people no one wanted to hurt her. I tried not to say anything. But one day I finally just got fed up with her. So I was honest (brutally so and I had thought maybe even too honest) with her and told her what everyone else and I were feeling. It was just before graduation and living on opposite ends of the state now I thought she probably never wanted to have more than a Facebook relationship with me again. But she surprised me. She came to visit our mutual friend and when we all went out to dinner she thanked me for all that I had said to her before. She admitted that it wasn't easy to hear but she's glad I said it because she believes she's a better person for it.

Catsmine · Sep 5, 2009, 12:11 PM

erzan, If your friend asks your opinion, give it to him as honestly as you can. Try not to be hurtful, and maybe remind him that it's just your opinion. If he was going to apply for a job at a fundamentalists' daycare, you'd tell him that you thought it would be a bad idea wouldn't you?

His relationship with the parents is his. His relationships with other people are his. If you think he's trying to use the latter to ease the former, yes, tell him you think so. If you think that and he asks for help, you can refuse.