[whattodo012]

Hello all,
I apologize in advance as this will probably be quite a long post but I need to give all the details. Well here it goes.

I'm almost 28 and was in a 3 yr relationship up until this past March. Things have always been great between us. We never fought and always went on nice trips and did things together. I was truly in love and believed that she was as well. I was planning on proposing to her sometime later this yr because I knew she was the person I wanted to spend my life with. Anyway, there was one issue so it seemed that my girlfriend had during the relationship and that was that she felt sometimes she didn't feel desired and that the sexual chemistry wasn't always there. Everything was all right in the beginning but she started having these feelings sometime in the 2nd year and had discussions with me saying its very important to her and she wants to feel desired. (this will play a part in the story... dont worry) I knew I desired her but I guess just wasn't always open with my sexual side and saying how much I wanted her.

Getting back to the present, we went on a trip in March and things went great but 5 days after I got back she told me she needed a break. That she needed time to find herself and know if she is ready for marriage. She had always told me that she was afraid to get married because her parents were divorced and she wanted to know that she be there for me and not run away at the altar. So I took it that she just needed to sort through some personal issues and that things would be OK. We would still see each other and sleep together sometimes(I know not the best idea but when we were together it all seemed right and she reciprocated) During the first few weeks of the "break" she would make comments about when I would give her a kid and when we get a house together, so I still assumed the best. As more times passed however we still weren't getting back together and I wasn't sure what to make of it. After two months I was leaving for a business trip for a few weeks and we spent a lot of time together and had a nice dinner and it was great so I thought once I got back things would be OK since she texted me saying she doesn't know what she would do without me in her life. But while I was away we got into a conversation about how she wants to be single for now and I questioned whether it was a "break" and getting through her issues or her wanting to be single. Then she got into it saying that somewhere along the way she felt the spark went off and she isn't sure if she is still in love with me but she loves me so much, but the whole sexual chemistry thing, that I talked about earlier, put a dent in her feelings.That this is something she needs to do to realize how important I am in her life because she says I'm the perfect guy but she just wishes she didn't feel these doubts. And if she needs to meet a**holes to help her with that then she wants that. That she need sto get this party selfish person out of her system before she settles down. She repeatedly said that she does want to be with me in the end So needless to say I was devastated as this totally different from when we first spoke. That she needs to step back to know if her feelings are enough for marriage.

Once I got back, which is now 3 months after the initial discussion, of course things weren't where I wanted them to be because of this new found information. We saw each other and slept together and she went out of her way to tell me she loves me. A week then passed without talking or seeing each other since we both kind of knew that's how it has to be now since I mentioned it to her while I was away. She finally gave in and called me and said that you know the one week without talking, that she kept thinking I miss him I have to call him. That this was the first time she really felt like it was a break. We ended up getting on the topic again and she kind of repeated herself and was saying she wishes she could tell her heart to be strong for me but right now she is confused. That she couldn't keep lying to herself that she wasn't totally happy with everything, but she wants to see what is life like without me so to give her more space so she can realize she needs me in her life. And so it seems that she keeps referring to the "being desired" reason as why her feelings drifted. I've tried to be more up front with that recently with that stuff and she says she has noticed but she isn't sure if its too late. She said you wait so long for someone to be a certain way and that she gave up.

We had such a great thing and I feel that if you have loved someone there is always that in love feeling somewhere and that it just needs to be reignited and she said that maybe after some space we can start over and take things slow and try to rekindle everything. All I know is that I love her so much and I don't want to lose her. I'm heartbroken. I feel like she is trying to get the feelings to where they once were but just needs time to realize I am the one for her since over the relationship she would say "you are the one im gonna marry". Im not sure if other factors may be affecting her to think straight but there are lots of personal things right now with her.

I know this has been hard on both of us, but I can't just give up on her. I love the girl to death and was ready to propose. Im going to give her the space she wants now with no contact but I'm not sure how else to proceed. Its just been weird because of all the mixed messages which I couldn't even write here. Sorry for this long winded post but I needed to get a lot of the info out there. What should I do? Is there any chance for us getting back together? Any advice would be welcome. I just don't think she can throw away everything we have been through and done over the past 3 yrs. How can I get her back?

[HistorianChick]

But the thing is... you want her back, but you never really had her.

When you "have" someone, they are your world and you are theirs. They can't imagine being with someone else, can't imagine loving someone else, can't think of life without you in the picture.

When you "have" someone, they know that they are loved, they feel desired, they are safe in the knowing that you're not going anywhere, that you're the right one, and that you've found your partner.

When you "have" someone, they don't need to go out and "find themselves," nor do they need space.

When you "have" someone, they are all you need.

You never had her.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with loving someone more than they love you, but the sooner you realize that she is loving herself more than she loved you, you'll be better off.

You deserve someone who wants to "have" you just as much as you want to "have" them.

You sound like a great guy. You sound like you're ready to fall in love forever... to stay in love, to stay "had." But, she's not. She is not ready to be "had" nor is she wanting commitment... she's more into the convenience of "having a boyfriend" or trying to find herself.

You can't "have" someone who isn't ready to love you completely.

I'm sorry.

[whattodo012]

Thank you for the insight and I understand what you are saying but many times through the relationship she would say things like... I know you are the one I'm going to marry... I don't know what I would do without you in my life... in the past she even said that if I cheated on her(which I never did) she would probably take me back. All these mixed messages are just strange to me that she is feling this now/ I know that she loved me completely in the past. I know the feeling was there, I could feel it. I just can't give up on her. She has had a lot of hardships in life and I feel like that stuff is playing a part in this. She has said that in her life everyone she has cared about has left her or disappointed her in some way and that as a result she pushes people away and she doesn't know why. Her parents divorced, she was raised by her aunt without parents around. She has always struggled and had to fend for herself. When we had a discussion recently she has said that its surreal to her that someone loves her so much like I do and that she needs to pinch herself sometimes to see its real. That she loves having me in her life and misses me when I'm not there. Call me crazy I guess I just think she needs to see how her life is without me to make her realize that she is being blinded by lots of nonsense and if she lets me go she will be making the biggest mistake of her lfie

[whattodo012]

I have to think that me still sticking around means something to her!

[ZoeMarie]

I have to think that me still sticking around means something to her!

I hate to say this, but the feeling I get behind this is that she wants you to stick around because you guys slept together while you were on a break. Maybe she thinks that if you stick around whether you're together, you'll be available to sleep with.

A few things that were red flags to me though are the fact that you guys never really fought about anything. For a 3 year relationship, that's kind of rare. It sounds to me that there wasn't a lot of communication. I could be way off base, but that's what I think when I read your post. The other thing is that she waited around for you to change. I don't know why she thought that you would. I'm not saying that to offend you, I'm saying that because people shouldn't change for their significant others. You should love each other for who you are, not what you want them to be.

I say give her the space that she needs and in the meantime try to have fun. Don't call, email, text. If she calls, emails or texts don't bother to respond. I think it's a good idea that you have space right now too, to think about everything.

[whattodo012]

Well I'm not too sure about the sleeping part but I think we both know that this won't be happening in the near future. As for the fighting, I mean of course we fought, just nothing too major, but I do wish she would have communicated with me more about what she was feeling. We had discussions but I never thought it would lead her to not love me anymore as I figured she would love me for how things are because we had a great relationship. I mean I would try different things with it, but she didn't exactly help it by saying she gave up on it since she didn't feel desired and would cry after sex some times and then would avoid it because of that. I know I desired her and maybe I was a bit too passive but now all I can think is that if I just acted more up front that we wouldn't be here in this position. I'm just so lost right now because my life was her in it and I had envisioned it being that way for the rest of my life. I will stick to the no contact because that's all I have my "ammo" at this time. She needs to know what it feels like to not have me around and fester in this situation she has created

[whattodo012]

I think that if you are in love with someone that there is always something there even if you say you fall out of love, it just needs to be reignited. She told me yesterday when we last spoke that she wants the time and in month or whatever hopes we can start new and take things slow and rekindle our feelings. From that and everything else I wrote Is there any chance of getting back together?

[davett]

Sorry but in my experience when a g/f wants a break it is the beginning of the end. The break is them testing the water to confirm they can cope without you

[mrigank]

Dude..

Let me put here are two small thoughts I have.. see if it helps...

Firstly,remember that ASSUMPTIONS IS THE MOTHER OF ALL PROBLEMS & before you think anything in this situation where there is a thin line between physical 7 emotional relationship... you need to be very very cautious of your actions & words... so never assume anything... just speack it out frankly with her... believe me this'll help...

Secondly,when you show certain dremas & expectations to some one or is someone sees a lot in you being with you for a decent time... a lot of things might not ocme true due to various reasons... this is where it sucks... you've got to be more understanding where are those cute/emotional/sensitive things that are either lost or unintentionally ignored... which might be the need of the hour... probably she needs a real friend/companion who not only comforts her hidden mental/emotional blocks & makes "LIFE BEA..UTIFUL".

So dude just chill & never rush to conclusions.. understand.. introspect.. act...

Take care & things will fall in place... if it doesn't... life's like that.. but we need to try till we can... right?

[whattodo012]

Dude..

lemme put here are two small thoughts i have.. see if it helps...

Firstly,remember that ASSUMPTIONS IS THE MOTHER OF ALL PROBLEMS & before you think anything in this situation where there is a thin line between physical 7 emotional relationship...you need to be very very cautious of your actions & words...so never assume anything...just speack it out frankly with her...believe me this'll help...

secondly,when you show certain dremas & expectations to some one or is someone sees a lot in you being with you for a decent time... a lot of things might not ocme true due to various reasons....this is where it sucks...you've got to be more understanding where are those cute/emotional/sensitive things that are either lost or unintentionally ignored...which might be the need of the hour...probably she needs a real friend/companion who not only comforts her hidden mental/emotional blocks & makes "LIFE BEA..UTIFUL".

so dude just chill & never rush to conclusions..understand..introspect..act....

take care & things will fall in place...if it doesn't...life's like that..but we need to try till we can...right?

I'm not exactly sure what you are suggesting I do? I couldn't really understand your second point. Can you please explain a little better. Thanks buddy for your help

[talaniman]

That she couldn't keep lying to herself that she wasn't totally happy with everything, but she wants to see what is life like without me so to give her more space so she can realize she needs me in her life.

Translation, I don't love you that way any more and I want to see what else life has to offer.

Thats all the facts you need, to give her what she wants, and do your own thing without her.

Sure she may miss being with you, but you have to accept her change in feelings, heal the hole in your soul, and get a life that you enjoy without her.

She will be a different person after you heal, and you have a life that makes you happy, trust me and disappear from her life for now.


Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, revoke their girlfriend privileges, and let them get there own friends, without you. disappear from their lives and enjoy your own.

Save your dignity and self respect, my friend, cut all contact with her.

[artlady]

I think that if you are in love with someone that there is always something there even if you say you fall out of love, it just needs to be reignited. She told me yesterday when we last spoke that she wants the time and in month or whatever hopes we can start new and take things slow and rekindle our feelings. From that and everything else i wrote Is there any chance of getting back together?

When you talk about stirring up the flame that once was,consider this.Marriage is for a lifetime.
The flame does not continue to burn at its peak forever.

The hearts and flowers fantasy is something that is just not sustainable over a number of years.
It is replaced by a deeper love that is not just about hormones.

It takes maturity to understand that.That is not to say that you can't have a great sex life for many years to come but the buzz that makes you dizzy with delight is not something most people in long term relationships can sustain.

If this is how you rekindle the romance,it is a poor way to go about it. In another months time will she get to feeling bored again?

You don't run away from something you profess to want.I question her motives and her level of commitment in the future.

I think you need to try to look at her actions objectively as from this angle it seems that she is bowing out and she mistakenly thinks doing it this way is easier.
You could just be plan B,if nothing else suits her fancy.

From this end ,it looks like you need to start accepting that she is gone.

[talaniman]

Originally Posted by whattodo012
I think that if you are in love with someone that there is always something there even if you say you fall out of love, it just needs to be reignited.

That's some wishful thinking, and can only make you hold on to false hope.

[paxe]

I can relate to your problem. One of the reasons my girlfriend left me was because she felt she was not desired. First off what is her age? In your case, I wouldn't say she is 100% finished with you but I think it is something near. She doesn't seem to know what she wants. I think this is typical stringing along while she tries to get better with her life. Mind you, girls don't do that on purpose, they are just afraid of being alone ( and lead them to do stupid mistakes ), while most guys try to heal on their own.

In your case, I would suggest No Contact for a period of 1 month, and then maybe try to contact her again. Let her know indirectly that you will not be always with her, and you do have to mean it. You need to start the healing process from now, and that is taking of your body and your mind. It's hard but it is the right thing to know. You are in shock so your actions and words may not represent your brain, which is filled with chemicals right now.

[HistorianChick]

But, love isn't a game. You shouldn't want to "show her what life is like without you" so that she comes "back" to you. That isn't love, that is playing a game.

When two people are in love, they're IN love. There isn't a game to "keep them in love" or to "make them realize what they have", it's just love.

She is using you. She is keeping you around because you are convenient. You love her. She knows that. She doesn't want to lose that love until she finds someone else that she can feel in love with.

I would let her go. Without hoping that your letting her go will lead her back to you - truly, completely, letting her go. Knowing that you're worth someone's TRUE love, not someone's piece on the side.

Girls can use guys, too.

[ZoeMarie]

She is using you. She is keeping you around because you are convenient. You love her. She knows that. She doesn't want to lose that love until she finds someone else that she can feel in love with.

Yes! That's what I was trying to say

[whattodo012]

But, love isn't a game. You shouldn't want to "show her what life is like without you" so that she comes "back" to you. That isn't love, that is playing a game.

When two people are in love, they're IN love. There isn't a game to "keep them in love" or to "make them realize what they have", it's just love.

I understand love isn't a game, but love isn't always a peachy road all the time. There are times you have to work at it and there are lots of other factors that affect a persons mind. I have tried to be around and talk to her and still spend time with her, however Ive never begged or pleaded to come back. Ive never put pressure on her. Ive just tried to show her some of the reasons she fell in love with me in the first place. There has been good signs from her and some of course that are not so good, but I do believe in the saying "You dont know what you have until its gone", so what I am trying to do right now is just give her the space that we never really gave each other in the first place. She said this was the first week she really felt it was a break and she couldn't stop thinking about me, so I will give her more no contact, expecting the worst, but of course hoping that this actual time away from each other, as opposed to the "break" we had early on, will help her to "fall in love" all over again. Its not a game but just as in any situation, sometimes we need to reassure ourselves of things as we may be blinded by other issues we are facing in our lives. Of course I need to expect that this relationship is over for good but I do have hope that she this time will lead her to realize what she is missing and we can begin to take another shot at this

[talaniman]

Of course I need to expect that this relationship is over for good but I do have hope that she this time will lead her to realize what she is missing and we can begin to take another shot at this

And what are you doing in the mean time while you wait for her to miss you??
How long do you wait??
What if she decides not to come back, but just wants to be friends?

Sometimes we need to reassure ourselves of things as we may be blinded by other issues we are facing in our lives

You mean like the break you hope will be over and she comes back, instead of other options in your life?

[whattodo012]

And what are you doing in the mean time while you wait for her to miss you???
How long do you wait???
What if she decides not to come back, but just wants to be friends??

I have to admit that I may be blinded right now as well because I love her so much, but what I'm trying to do now is just enjoy my time and reconnect with old friends and of course spend time with my best friends. I am leaving myself open to the fact of meeting new people because I can't just sit on my and do nothing but I do believe that getting back together is possible. So right now I'm keeping the no contact and just trying to enjoy myself with friends. As for being just friends I don't think I ever could be just friends with her. If she were to ask me that then id have to say no.

[whattodo012]

I have kept the contact only to if she initiates it it now since I have been back from my business trip which has been over 2 weeks now. Before that, she told me that while we were on "break" when we were still seeing each other she said that she started getting the feeling back but that she is very confused. I mean what do I make of that? And this past weekend she called me for a favor for her girlfriend who I have met twice, only after we went on a break(which I didn't do). And she also asked me to go to a surprise birthday party for her dad next which I said I would go to it. She said she would like me to go because her dad loves me and also cause she would like me to go with her. This is all just confusing me.