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    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
    Family & People Expert
     
    #61

    Apr 8, 2009, 10:28 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by starlite1 View Post
    Thanks Rome, I will have to do something, because I feel so horrible mentally and physically. I really don't want to lose this man. I love him so much. I am such a mess right now, I want to give him a beautiful life, filled with love, instead of this hellish nightmare. He said he is fine, isn't going anywhere, but, I feel so damn ashamed and horrible for what I am doing to him and this relationship. I am such a Fu*&ing mess. I constantly have to get reassurance from him. Even if we have a small disagreement , instead of me being able to let it go, I have to seek his reassurance. It's disgusting. I hate the way I am, I want to be normal so badly.
    If you love him so much and you don't want to lose him, I think that one of the best things you can do for him is to take care of yourself. Make yourself a stronger, more confident person. Along the lines of the most recents posts.

    Exercise is a must. Even if you go for a run 20 minutes a day makes a huge difference.

    You should also strongly consider therapy. You can do it! Just believe in yourself.

    Your boyfriend has been standing by you during your tough times. Imagine when you start making improvements?
    starlite1's Avatar
    starlite1 Posts: 753, Reputation: 58
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    #62

    Apr 8, 2009, 11:19 AM

    Thank you everybody, I just don't want to lose him in the interim. My God, I am so upset. I feel like crap, and I don't know how I can make this all up to him. He says all he wants is for me to get better, but I know this has to be taking its toll on him.
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
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    #63

    Apr 8, 2009, 11:30 AM

    Star, it does take a toll on him but not as much as you would expect. Coming from the same type of insecurities you are having, I can clearly relate to you. I have a very loving and understanding fiancé, who understands that it's not a switch I can flick off to stop being so jealous and insecure. Her exact words when I told her how I felt was, "take baby steps with it, don't focus on a week from now, focus on tomorrow" I used to ask her stuff about work, now I simply put it to the back of my head. I trust and love her enough to know that if something were to happen, she would tell me. It's hard to think of things that way at first, but you have to remind yourself of the character in which your spouse displays. For me, she is extremely trustworthy and I know my heart is in good hands.
    starlite1's Avatar
    starlite1 Posts: 753, Reputation: 58
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    #64

    Apr 8, 2009, 11:48 AM

    Thank you Rome, so much. I just got off the phone with him. He is so great. And he says he isn't going anywhere, and that he wants to marry me someday. But just now, he said that he is not one to look far into the future. Doesn't that sound like a contradiction?
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #65

    Apr 8, 2009, 11:49 AM

    Star you have got to quit reading so much into things, and just ENJOY! This is life, take it or leave it. Enjoy what you have right in front of you!
    starlite1's Avatar
    starlite1 Posts: 753, Reputation: 58
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    #66

    Apr 8, 2009, 11:51 AM

    Thanks KC, but that is so hard to do.
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    starlite1 Posts: 753, Reputation: 58
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    #67

    Apr 8, 2009, 12:44 PM

    I know there are no guarantees in life but why does he say he wants to marry me and isn't going to leave me but then he says that he doesn't look into the future?
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #68

    Apr 8, 2009, 12:48 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by starlite1 View Post
    I know there are no guarentees in life but why does he say he wants to marry me and isn't going to leave me but then he says that he doesn't look into the future?
    He probably does want to get married to you someday, but he doesn't want to make any guarantees.

    Try not to read into too much at the moment. He obviously does love you or else he would not be with you. He's been very supportive and helping you get through your personal issues. You really need to focus on yourself. He said that he wants you to get better. So do that for both of you.
    starlite1's Avatar
    starlite1 Posts: 753, Reputation: 58
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    #69

    Apr 9, 2009, 05:02 AM

    Thank you I wish, that I what I am going to do. If I feel an episode coming on, I am going to do the steps that the doctor told me to do, and not involve my boyfriend for he reassurance. I can't do that to him anymore. I must believe what he tells me, and not fear.
    starlite1's Avatar
    starlite1 Posts: 753, Reputation: 58
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    #70

    Apr 10, 2009, 04:36 AM
    Is it possible to love someone too much?
    Hi Everyone,

    My boyfriend and I have been having some issues (well, actually I am the one that is having the issues-being insecure, low self esteem/low self worth, etc). I constantly have been asking my boyfriend for reassurance and for him to justify his love to me (I am in therapy and on meds for depression, etc), and he said last night to stop asking him questions of reassurance. He said 'you should already know the answers to all of these questions', and he is so right. He also said that perhaps 'maybe I love too much'. I got to thinking about this, and I think he is right. I find myself constantly obsessing over him, always asking if he is happy, always apologizing about a million times to him, etc. Now, I even am almost at the point where I want to check his emails to make certain that he really is dedicated to me and not wanting anyone else. But, I won't do that. I refuse actually. What the hell is wrong with me, and how do I trust and how do I not be obsessive? Am I loving too much? I know this is a topic to talk to my therapist about, but I was wondering if any of you have gone through this, and what your thoughts/advise is.

    Thanks again,
    Star
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #71

    Apr 10, 2009, 05:25 AM

    Loving too much... not really... not loving yourself enough... YES.

    Rome has suggested some good ways to handle your insecurities. I had the same problem at one time, and I too sought out professional help, which really helped me. Perhaps you should do the same.
    starlite1's Avatar
    starlite1 Posts: 753, Reputation: 58
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    #72

    Apr 10, 2009, 05:31 AM

    Hi KC,

    Thanks for your response. I do go to therapy once a week, and I started walking again to get some exercise, but is it my insecurties that makes me so obsessive with him?
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #73

    Apr 10, 2009, 05:41 AM

    In my opinion, and I am far from a PHD here, yes. When you don't love yourself enough, you tend to cling to others and depend on them for the love that is missing in your own heart.
    starlite1's Avatar
    starlite1 Posts: 753, Reputation: 58
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    #74

    Apr 10, 2009, 05:44 AM

    The thing is, I don't know how to love myself. As weird as that sounds, I really don't know how. I mean I know I am a good person, and I wouldn't hurt anyone, so in that aspect I love myself. Is that right?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,325, Reputation: 10855
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    #75

    Apr 11, 2009, 11:14 AM

    Loving yourself, is about doing things that make YOU happy to be who you are. That's friends, and activities you enjoy. Then you have something good to share with someone special.

    I think your key here is, recognizing, and acknowledging you have the feelings you have, and have a clear plan, how to deal with them.

    For example, when you feel like snooping, have an activity in mind to do instead of making that feeling a reality, or keeping a journal of how you feel, rather than act on it.

    Its when we act impulsively on those feelings, is when we bring poison into our lives, and relationships. Keep reassuring yourself that the feelings will pass, and you have more important things to do.

    This does require some positive actions from you. That's why you need a plan, like washing dishes, doing laundry, or anything that will change your focus in a positive way.
    starlite1's Avatar
    starlite1 Posts: 753, Reputation: 58
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    #76

    Apr 24, 2009, 11:49 AM
    Is he being insensitive and how to I deal with it?
    Hi Everyone,

    Starlite here :rolleyes:

    So, my and my boyfriend's birthdays are both in May, and we both decided to get each other tattoos to represent each other (he is getting a cat, because I love cats, and I am getting a wolf because he loves wolves). I also am getting him a guitar (even though we both are just in the learning stages). Well, I ordered it and told him that tomorrow I have to go somewhere for about an hour (I had to tell him that because we have plans to do yard work at his moms). He asked where I am going, and instead of lying I told him it is to pick up 'your birthday present'. Well he freaked! He said 'I thought we agreed that we are getting tattoos, now you are buying me something else!? ". After he calmed down, I told him that I wanted to get him this present (he still doesn't know what it is) for a while now, and I am getting it anyway. I told him that he doesn't have to go out and buy me anything because of it and he said "I have no intentions of getting you anything else, just the tattoo and the party (He is throwing me a 40th party)". (I'm fine with him not getting me anything else, but my God that hurt the way he said that). Then he said "The reason why that pissed him off is because I should have told him that I am getting him something when we were talking about the tattoos, its like I am hiding stuff from him". I told him it's a birthday present, coming from my heart, he didn't need to know about it. Is he insensitive or what??

    Thanks guys, as always ;)
    pathisfer's Avatar
    pathisfer Posts: 94, Reputation: 22
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    #77

    Apr 24, 2009, 12:06 PM
    I don't think he's being insensitive but I do think it caught him off guard that you were getting him something extra- he loves you and probably doesn't want to feel that what he is getting you doesn't measure up. I would let this go and make sure you tell him how much you appreciate all the work he did setting up your party.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #78

    Apr 24, 2009, 12:08 PM

    It just sounds like he wasn't planning on getting you a gift, other than the tattoo and the party. So he wasn't planning on buying anything else. But then you tell him that you're getting a gift, so he probably got all defensive because he's preparing for a future argument. I think he's scared that you're going to be pissed at him for not buying you a gift, since you're getting him one.

    Just assure him that you won't be pissed if he doesn't get you an additional gift.
    starlite1's Avatar
    starlite1 Posts: 753, Reputation: 58
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    #79

    Apr 24, 2009, 12:15 PM

    I told him not to get me anything additional; that it is so not necessary. But the way he said " "I have no intentions of getting you anything else" seemed a bit harsh and cold (or am I being too sensitive?). He also said that the reason why he got pissed is because "I should have told him that I am getting him something when we were talking about the tattoos, its like I am hiding stuff from him". Then he said "Im not mad that you are getting me a gift, I like gifts".
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #80

    Apr 24, 2009, 12:25 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by starlite1 View Post
    I told him not to get me anything additional; that it is so not necessary. But the way he said " "I have no intentions of getting you anything else" seemed a bit harsh and cold (or am I being too sensitive?). He also said that the reason why he got pissed is because "I should have told him that I am getting him something when we were talking about the tattoos, its like I am hiding stuff from him". Then he said "Im not mad that you are getting me a gift, I like gifts".
    Like I said, he's getting defensive for a future argument, because he's scared that you will get pissed at him after your birthday when he doesn't get you a gift. If it's bothering you so much, just talk to him about it.

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