Check out some similar questions!

canadagirl82 · Nov 24, 2008, 01:44 PM

My boyfriend of 2 years wants to break up with me. I have an anger and temper problem and it has been escalating over the last few months. We are so angry with each other for doing and saying hurtful things to each other. One thing that I can't seem to do is give him space. When we argue, I never let us both cool down. I go over the top with yelling, slamming doors and sometimes hitting him. He asks me to leave him alone to think and calm down, but I feel I have no self control when he makes me mad. This man is falling out of love with me and I'm scared. I'm not only to blame, I realize that relationships are 2 ways. We are so close to breaking up and if I don't show him that I will change... he will move out. What should I do to prove to him that I want to be a better, loving, caring girlfriend?

thadevilsadvocate · Nov 24, 2008, 01:48 PM

He has already told you what to do... GIVE HIM SPACE! You need to back off, and give him the time to cool down and take the time to cool down yourself and then talk about things a little later. If you can't do that, then you need to go and get some help. Seriously! I am not saying that to be mean, but if you can't learn to control your anger issues, then you need some guidance on how to work on that. Especially since you are going so far as to hit him... I mean I know it may not be doing much damage, but there is no excuse for that. To be honest, you should be surprised that he has stayed around this long. So, I think need to talk to get some help, or do him a favor, and get out of his life.

kctiger · Nov 24, 2008, 01:54 PM

It sounds like you both are in a dysfunctional relationship that should be broken up. You have anger problems, which doesn't make it easy at all to deal with. You both fight and argue constantly. This happens a lot when two people move in with each other way too fast. This relationship seems doomed for failure. You can't just fix your anger issues over night, as that is hardlined into your personality. Major changes take a lot of time and a lot of dedication. You guys seem way too quick to fight about things rather than communicate like normal and civilized persons.

canadagirl82 · Nov 24, 2008, 01:57 PM

You are right. I want to give him space and I'm going to do it this time because the fighting has to stop. But how do I give him space when we live together? The situation is very awkward. He wants to stay together... but there will be no affection until he sees a change. It's going to be weird at home cause we are always so affectionate with each other.

thadevilsadvocate · Nov 24, 2008, 02:09 PM

Walk outside, or simply tell him, lets take a few minutes and just cool down and talk about this in 20 minutes and then go in another room or outside and just sit and reflect on things. Don't go and start doing other things, but actually sit there and think about the situation and how you are going to handle it in a mature way, and then be willing to listen more than you speak.

canadagirl82 · Nov 24, 2008, 02:15 PM

That has been my problem... I don't listen and I block everything out when my voice is raised. So in the end he just gives up trying to work it out with me and that's when I lose my temper. If he has asked me not to hug or kiss him, or hold his hand... should I do that? If respect his wishes, I'm worried that he may think that I don't care about him. Even though he is asking me not to touch him.

canadagirl82 · Nov 24, 2008, 02:17 PM

He just told me last night that there will be no affection. That he will come to me when he warms up to me. Should I back off? Will he think I don't care if I don't touch him and do the things I normally would do as his girlfriend?

ZoeMarie · Nov 24, 2008, 02:28 PM

Start working on your anger problems. The only way I see this working out is telling him you're going to work on changing- whatever it takes - and follow through. Your boyfriend now doesn't want to put up with your anger problems and I don't know that another boyfriend down the road would want to either. Just look at it like you're bettering yourself, because you are. Maybe when you get mad instead of yelling or hitting him tell him you really want to discuss the problem with him but you need to cool off first, go for a walk or do something to calm you down and then come back and talk to him.

ZoeMarie · Nov 24, 2008, 02:32 PM

Originally Posted by canadagirl82

He just told me last night that there will be no affection. That he will come to me when he warms up to me. Should I back off? Will he think I don't care if I don't touch him and do the things I normally would do as his girlfriend?

My answer was a little delayed- problems with my computer. In my response to this though, there are ways you can show him you love him without touching him. Make him dinner or things like that. Can you guys be in the same room together or does he consider that not giving him space?

canadagirl82 · Nov 24, 2008, 02:40 PM

Responding to your first post... He has given me many, many chances to get help or change and I haven't. I think his heart is done this time... but he still wants to give it just one more chance. But I'm afraid he is just telling himself he loves me cause he is not strong enough to leave this relationship. I think he really is done with me.

Answering your second post... we can be in the same room together and I can make him dinner and do other loving things. The only thing he won't tolerate is the fighting. But it goes both ways. He starts pushing my buttons and trying to pick a fight. Should I just leave the room and not answer back? Before when he would make me mad I would yell and scream at him, sometimes hit him.

ZoeMarie · Nov 24, 2008, 02:51 PM

Have you guys tried counseling at all? Is he trying to get you all riled up or does he do it unintentionally? If he knows you're going to get mad at what he does/says counseling might be a good idea

thadevilsadvocate · Nov 24, 2008, 02:59 PM

Honestly, I think that he cares. Why do I think that? Because he has given you many chances to get help and you haven't even made that much effort. That is a major error on your part. I dated a girl who sounds to be similar to you once, and she never wanted to listen to anything that I said. I would try to communicate, but she knew what she did, but never wanted to own up to it and be woman enough to do anything about it. She was so stuck in her ways and wanted the world to come to her, without her having to make the effort. She knew the problems were all stemming from her, but she didn't want to make the effort to fix them. If she had made the effort, I think things with us could have worked our really well, but over time, because of her lack of motivation to get things right for the benefit of her and us, I started feeling much like your man is. Sure I loved her, but what more can you do when you offer so many chances and offer the world to her, and she can't do as much as put forth the effort to reach out and grab it. So it started to wear on me. This is what is happening to him. You better get our act together and get that help. You have everything right in front of you and you are so ungrateful and unappreciative of what he has to offer you, and if that is how you are going to stay, then hopefully he will see the light and let you go.

canadagirl82 · Nov 24, 2008, 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

have you guys tried counseling at all? Is he trying to get you all riled up or does he do it unintentionally? If he knows you're going to get mad at what he does/says counseling might be a good idea

Both. Sometimes he does it on purpose to make me mad and other times it's an honest mistake on his part. Either way, I should not be getting as mad as I do.

canadagirl82 · Nov 24, 2008, 03:08 PM

Thank you advocate. I want to prove to him that I am getting help this time around. Hopefully, it's not too late.

canadagirl82 · Nov 24, 2008, 03:09 PM

Zoe... he has agreed to come to counseling with me after I go on my own a few times to talk about my temper issues.

Dragonfly1234 · Nov 24, 2008, 05:22 PM

Did you know that if it was the other way around and he was yelling at you, hitting you and being angry and violent, it would be considered abuse. Frankly, it's also considered abuse when you do it. I don't mean to sound harsh but if a guy posted what you just posted, he would've gotten the worst possible treatment on here. You need to realise that your behavior is just as bad as when a man behaves this way, there is no difference.

If you want to change, you need to take action not just say you want to change and wait for the change to magically happen. Seek counseling, read books about anger management and start realizing the severity of your behavior.

kctiger · Nov 24, 2008, 05:24 PM

Yeah, there shouldn't be a double standard here...

talaniman · Nov 26, 2008, 11:05 AM

Glad your seeking outside help for you both and I wish you luck.

Otherwise you both need to get away from each other, and still deal with your abusive issues, with some professional help.