[anazup]

Hey everyone.

So I have come here to seek some advice, some none biased advice. I am currently in the best relationship of my life. The most significant, the most mature, the most meaningful, and the one that has potential to go all the way.
My boyfriend and I are both 32 years old.

Here is the dilemna, and let me go back a little ways.
When I was almost 17, I was raped. Due to that incident, I have never ever been anbe to embark into a one night stand with anyone. The thought of doing anything sexual with a stranger disgusts me, but that doesn't mean, I have friends who do it who disgust me.. because what they do, doesn't affect me. I have just never been able to understand why someone would want to give that away so easily and without thought, when it was taken from me...
Fast forward 15 yrs later. I meet this incredible man. In every way he fits my missing pieces. Except, his past. I am not naïve to think that a man of 32 yrs would not have a past and other sexual experiences, but I just can not get over them. The thoughts come into my mind often, and as much as I do try to discuss them with him, it turns into an argument.. because we both get frustrated.

Now it's to the point where we are in a relationship, but we are merely best friends in a relationship, rather than lovers as well, as I can't get intimate with him because I feel my thoughts are unresolved.

I am a thinker, and I am aware that is one of my dilemnas.. but I don't understand how he could be with so many woman, and be so intimate with them. I don't understand how he was capable of de-valuing his worth by giving himself away so easily?

Should I just move on from this? Is there truly any solution, besides 'forgetting about it' or 'getting over it'. It's just not that simple. My thoughts eat me alive.

Any advice would be helpful. Jerk-like comments can be kept to yourself. Thanks!
Ana

[beautifullily]

I understand where you are coming from. I can understand that it would hurt a lot to know the one that you love has been intimate with another person when you want to share special inimate moments with that person alone and only. I can't just tell you to get over it, because it is not something that is so easily to get over. I can tell you this will be difficult to overcome, but if you love him the best thing to do is to move on and away from the past, forgive him, and try to forget what happened in the past. Try to talk about it in a way tell him you want to understand things but don't accuse and judge and make it into a agrument, believe me I don't see how anyone can just give it away to anyone either, I really think it's something special between two people only. Try to come to a understanding where you are both OK, forgive each other.

[Romefalls19]

I wouldn't call it being intimate with them. I got into a debate recently about this same topic actually. If a person has a lot of partners, then I would call them sexual encounters, not being intimate with them. When someone tells me that they have been intimate with them, it means they share a piece of their "soul" in a way. It means they had a special connection that was deeper than just sex.

Think of things that way, while he has had a lot of sexual encounters, he may have only been intimate with you or a few people. That's how I've always thought of things and it really helps to get you understanding their feelings.

Talking about it all the time with him may make him feel like you are lowering his respect level and that truly is a huge blow to take, especially coming from someone who cares for him deeply.

[chuff]

It sounds like you are carrying emotions that are unresolved from the rape and applying it to this guy in your life. In a weird sort of way you are punishing your current guy for something another guy took from you and because he's in your life now you feel the need to challenge him constantly to see if he meets your criteria. The problem is your judging him and most men based on the actions of one. I don't know if you've been to a professional in the last 15 years but perhaps you should think about seeing one to find out how you can accept these feelings and apply them to modern day.

I would never suggest you forget about, but at the same time it sounds like the emotions are controlling your life. I actually think if you were to apply them in a conscious manner and communicate to your brain something to the effect of "I appreciate the warning signs and I will accept them, but I also must give this new man a chance to stand for himself and give him an opportunity to show me he is not the man I have encountered in the past." You can change that to your needs but you have to start talking down to some of those fears or at least accepting them with an understanding of why they are continuing to come up.

One more thing I wanted to point out. You've got a great, and I mean truly incredible guy in your life. He probably doesn't know how to express this but the very fact that he's staying with you in the down times tells me he's into you and he's hoping this will get better. I'd bet he's also hoping to show you that by sticking around he's worthly of being in your life. Men don't or feel like they can't tell women stuff like that, and since he won't, I'll happily do it for him. I'm not saying to turn a blind eye to him, but I am saying notice what he's trying to do and remember he's trying to do it for you, so he does care.

[beautifullily]

Chuff, great answer. Completely agree.

[wikedjuggalo]

Chuff have to spread rep but right on the money.

[talaniman]

This isn't about him, or his past. This is about how you deal with your own emotional baggage.

How long have you been in this relationship????? Have you had this problem with other boyfriends???

Have you considered some sort of counseling, or therapy to help you through the process of putting things in a proper perspective, and being able to deal with things you cannot control??

It helps to get your fears out front where you can identify them and deal with them.

In the meantime be very honest with yourself, and him, or you may sabotage something that has the potential to be good for you.