[r2d2651]

My girlfriend and I have been together for over a month now, we both say we feel a strong connection and just recently we admitted we loved each other. She said she doesn't believe in marriage (I do), but she would marry someone if they proved they were worth it. She treats the idea of sex very casually, but she's a virgin, I don't think it's at all casual, I think it represents a very strong bond between two people devoted to each other.

She was molested as a child so whenever someone's hand gets in her genital area, she starts having shakes and flashbacks, but she's in therapy for it. I'm not sure if this casual approach to sex is because of that, or because her mom is the same way (she claims it's the latter).

Anyway, she's had no problem talking about how she's planned to have sex with one of her best friends.. Right in front of me..

I confronted her about it and she said that it's not for a long time. "Well, what if we're still together?" I asked. I got.. "I'll talk you into letting me do it?".. I told her I couldn't. I just couldn't let it happen. Even after knowing how strongly I felt about it, she still thought she could "Talk me into it."

Then she finally said that she promises she won't do it if we are still together when the planned time comes because she knows how she would feel if I did the same thing. I then asked how this was possible because she treats sex so casually, she replied with "But I do believe in not cheating." she says this a few minutes after she thought she could "talk me into it"

As you could imagine, this made a whole flurry of insecurities arise. What if she does it behind my back? Does she really love me, or is she just looking for some emotional support because of her molestation issues and unsuccessful attempts with previous boyfriends? Should I break up with her before I fall too hard? What if this relationship really ends up going somewhere, only for me to find out she was lying?

I really don't want to bring any of these up with her because, well. It's kind of self-explanatory. Could someone with an outsiders perspective tell me what's best?

[liz28]

Wow, I don't understand how she can say that to you if she is in love with you and your suppose to be her boyfriend. Then again, the two of you only been together for a month so anything could happen. I glad she is in therapy and at least the two of you are getting to know each other without being sexual.

Now, back to your original question. I would listen to what she told you. I don't know if her and her best friend made a pack for him to be her first but it seems like she has her mind set on it. She even tried to get you to go along with it. So I would listen to what she said because you already been warned. I would talk to her about it again and see where her head is at and ask some detail questions in a civil matter and if her answers are still the same then your going have some tough decisions to make regarding the two of you future.

By the way, what are the two of you ages?

[talaniman]

Its only been a month and she has you confused and insecure?? Doesn't sound like fun to me, and maybe you shouldn't get all carried away so fast with this female. You sound like a sensible respectful guy, and if she is in therapy, then she has issues she has to deal with, and you can never tell too much from someone you have only been dating for a month.

If you find out more later, you can bail, I mean marriage with a one month stranger is a plain crazy idea to me any way.

Sorry guy, lots of red flags with this one especially if she tells you that she has a sex partner for the future picked out. That would send me the other way. Who needs that kind of drama after a month?

[Fr_Chuck]

At a month, one does not talk marriage and it is obvious she is not at a level to commit to a relationship and leaving options to to be with others.

[Homegirl 50]

You guys are not on the same page at all.
Too many things going on with her to be relationship material.
Your best bet is to walk away from this.

[r2d2651]

Not to discredit anyone's advice, but we really have shared some great times together. Many hours we've spent just holding each other and I've grown so attatched, and it's sort of like a "feeling" I get from her, but I feel like she has too. It'd be hard to list all the things that've made me think this, so you'll have to take my word for it.

I don't know if I could find it in me to break it off with her, I know she'd cry and I just can't hurt her or myself even...

I know she promised she wouldn't do it, but it's that she thought of it that makes me wonder.

[talaniman]

Dude, its only been a month, and you already have scared yourself. It doesn't matter about what she says or how she says it. She isn't the problem, YOU ARE!! You don't know enough about this stranger in a month, and are so caught up in your own feelings that you can't relax, and have fun while you do get to know this person. A month don't cut it, and if you cannot deal with your feelings enough to have fun without the mind games you are playing with yourself, then frankly you have no business dating at all.

At least not her, because you already show some clear signs of barely able to handle yourself. Just look at the issues you have already. A virgin with a casual attitude about sex?? Do you know how crazy that sounds?? Pay attention, because it says a lot about YOU, more than her.

Too much, too fast, crash and burn!

Dating should be fun, and exciting, and not drama, and fear! When its not fun, you shouldn't be dating.

Females have used the promise of sex, and tears to keep a guys nose open, for centuries. The fact is you are to attached, too soon, with a perfect stranger, and allowing your feelings to be guided by her, and are oblivious to FACTS, that would keep you grounded.

Your inexperience is showing, so be careful where curiosity, and lust lead you. You are too close to see facts, so step back with an open mind, and examine your own motives.

[Jake2008]

Try to look at the bigger picture here.

The facts are, after one month, you don't know squat. Nobody can say they knew someone well enough after a month to profess love, and a future together. It is far too soon.

What you have found out about her is that she is a person who has had considerable emotional trauma, and I think, while she is going through therapy, the worse of what she experienced will become a tremendous and challenging life change for her to overcome. To underestimate the therapeutic effect on working through sexual abuse, while over-valuating her strange and mixed up feelings about her sexuality is not seeing a very clear picture of what is going on.

Nothing else matters right now, except that she is encouraged to keep up therapy. She doesn't need the pressure of being judged by her sexual needs, or thoughts or actions. Particularly if they don't make sense to you right now.

I would put friendship at the top of the list with this woman, and set some boundaries, the main one being no sex, and no pressure for sex. Let her know that you will support and be there for her when she needs to talk and offer to take her to therapy so someone is waiting for her when the time is done. While her world is revolving around coming to terms with the roadblocks that prevent her from having a healthy relationship, a healthy relationship is not appropriate to consider in my opinion. A friendship is.

[r2d2651]

Okay, well thank you everyone. MUCH, MUCH better and more intelligent answers than what you'd get on Yahoo answers.

I don't want to have sex yet because of her issues, I care about her and I've always told her that her feelings come first. I've never even asked about having sex, it was just a concern for the future.