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elle90 · Jun 4, 2010, 01:49 PM

I have been sort of seeing someone older than me off and on but we have since gone our separate ways. We are in contact again and he keeps telling me he wants to see me, but always has reasons he cannot, though I don't doubt these reasons sometimes I feel they are being used to cover the truth.

He keeps cancelling our plans but insiting he wants to see me and cares for me and then arranges for more opportunities for us to catch up, even by text, but they seem to be falling apart too... I just don't know now if he is just trying to be nice and find subtle ways to let me down gently (despite it all being his idea) or if he is genuine (despite always letting me down and coming back with reasons...

How do I know if I am just being naïve and too trusting and stupid or if I should still hold on?

redhed35 · Jun 4, 2010, 01:53 PM

I'm a big fan of trusting those gut feelings,if a guy wants to see you,he will,he won't keep cancelling,but he may try and keep you in the wings.

Could he be married? Or have a girlfriend? A player? If none of those are true,I would still be inclined to kick him to the curb and move on.

elle90 · Jun 4, 2010, 01:59 PM

He has LOT going on with both his mum and dad in serious health issues and works a lot. He is not married and I assume still single but I have always been confused by him. He leaves my life a lot as he cannot seem to deal with a lot going on at once and we always meet a bad times it seems. He keeps insisting he wants to see me though and says that as we both want to see each other then it will happen but then seems to go back on it a lot. I hate distrusting people and have always put blind faith in people even when they have done appalling things to me I seem to be inclined to stick by them, maybe I just don't like admitting truth and trusting myself.

I don't want to tell him to leave me alone in case he is being genuine but I don't want to keep being so faithful, after all I seem to be doing a lot of the chasing at the moment.

jpbuzzworthy · Jun 4, 2010, 02:02 PM

Quick way to find out is to stop calling or texting him, and if he calls or texts you and makes any reference to getting together, tell him you're not going to make plans unless he's sure he won't cancel.

In other words... back off... and call his bluff. Don't make any moves.

elle90 · Jun 4, 2010, 02:06 PM

That is probably a good idea. I tend to text ever couple of days to say hi and when I worry and stress I get all flappy and say silly things in texts and then back track... last time I told him I still had feelings and didn't think it was a good idea, and then got confused in the conversation when we were talking and then said I would meet him... Thinking back on it I could not even make sense of if he was trying to convince me too or to not, but then made susequent plans... Argh... anyway... you are right, I shall just stop getting myself worked up so much and let him make the next moves. Thanks. X

friend4u178 · Jun 4, 2010, 04:56 PM

He may be busy with his life , we all are , but if he really wanted to see you he'd make the time.

Problem is , your making excuses for him , and by continually texting etc. he knows he has you at his beckoned call and really doesn't need to make an effort until it suits him.

Stop texting him , then if he really wants to see you he'll have to make an effort.

elle90 · Jun 4, 2010, 11:18 PM

Good advice :)

elle90 · Jun 6, 2010, 11:51 AM

I am getting a lot of mixed signals from my ex. He keeps asking to see me and has recently indicated feelings and regret over losing me, sort of and seems to be sending very positive signals to wanting to be with me. He rang me drunk last night and was very lovely, told me he wanted me and indicated toward more intimate contact and used a lot of lovey dovey talk etc, but today he won't answer my text.

I am so confused about the signals I am getting or if I am just worrying too much and cannot see the truth in front of me.

He does not live locally and has a lot going on in his life too

Wondergirl · Jun 6, 2010, 12:12 PM

Originally Posted by elle90

I am getting a lot of mixed signals from my ex. He keeps asking to see me and has recently indicated feelings and regret over losing me, sort of and seems to be sending very positive signals to wanting to be with me. He rang me drunk last night and was very lovely, told me he wanted me and indicated toward more intimate contact and used a lot of lovey dovey talk etc, but today he won't answer my text.

I am so confused about the signals I am getting or if I am just worrying too much and cannot see the truth in front of me.

He does not live locally and has a lot going on in his life too

I'm not confused.

drunk = lovey-dovey
sober = no contact

Stay away from him.

Cat1864 · Jun 6, 2010, 12:15 PM

Is this the same person: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...s-476455.html?

elle90 · Jun 6, 2010, 12:15 PM

But he does contact me when he is sober, we speak quite often and he did send mild subtle signals when he was sober and we were talking, and indicated feelings when he was sober but when he was drunk he was more forward.
It's just the now not replying that is confusing me.

Yes it is, its all just confusing, its so up and down and back and forward and etc etc, I'm just all over the place, each day seems to indicate a new feeling or progression or back step so the story keeps changing and I'm at a loss

At first I thought he was trying to spare my feelings but now I don't think he is, I just don't know what's going on now.

Cat1864 · Jun 6, 2010, 12:27 PM

Originally Posted by elle90

yes it is,

This thread will end up being merged with the other one. Please, keep your questions regarding this 'relationship' in the same thread. It makes it easier to follow the story and to give the best advice we can based on the facts. It also keeps all of the advice given in one place and we can see what has been said and the responses given. You get more and better advice that way.

No sense adding confusion over who responded in which thread to the mix. :)

elle90 · Jun 6, 2010, 12:28 PM

Okay :) that maks sense :)

Devorameira · Jun 6, 2010, 12:41 PM

Sorry to say, but he's just drunk talking.

Why would you even want to get back with someone who is so "on-again; off-again"?

If you want to be happy you need to go total NC and move on. He's just not the one.

elle90 · Jun 7, 2010, 04:03 AM

I did the NC with him but it seems like it's not a NC situation. Surely someone who always seems to have too much going on in his life but genuinely cares has reason to be confused too? Nobody is perfect are they, and could it not be that he just doesn't know what to say or do right now, it is a tricky situation, but maybe alcohol brings out his more open side at the mometn, he did text back in the end but it was just standard chat.

trond · Jun 7, 2010, 05:07 AM

You should take a look at my thread, my ex is all hell confused, and therefore I got dumped, even though it wasn't me that drove her away (well at least that's what she says... ) but she broke up with me, but keeps contacting me, longest that we haven't talked is 6 days, which was after I ignored 2 days of her sms's and calls, she waited 6 days, and I picked up (regretfully). She gave me hope saying that she was going to fly here (long distance relationship), and then ended up not. She has done this twice in less then a week. Indecisive to the max.

And honestly, the only times I hear from her is when she is down (most of the time) for emotional support... After the last 3 weeks of heartbreak, it seems to have finally been drilled into my head, no contact.

Good luck with working it out, you can feel happy that there are others around you that are going through the same thing, some people just are indecisive at certain points in their life.

elle90 · Jun 7, 2010, 05:22 AM

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma, and I really hope NC works for you and you find someone :)

I just don't want to give up, that's my reasoning. We had such a strong connection and there were real feelings between us and it didn't end because of an issue with us, but it is a very complicated thing to hope for an us, I just wnt answers I know I'm not going to get unless I see him, but that seems to be half the problem, whether he will let me see him after he keeps asking to see me and then it goes wrong.

I don't want to go NC again so soon, I don't want to give up like I said, but I just don't know what to think.

trond · Jun 7, 2010, 05:41 AM

That's what I'm getting at, I am in a similar situation, I've just had to accept it, and get through it one day at a time. I got the mixed messages, she actually TOLD me that she was going to fly here to sort this mess out and get back together, then a few days later changes her mind, while barely talking to me, unless it was convenient for her.

I've realised that me talking to her as often as I was isn't helping anyone. I understand your situation is different, just saying that nothing is ever really just black and white in life and there are always things unsaid, but you need to know where to draw the line and cut your losses.

Don't get my wrong, I still have hope (because I am completely in love with my ex still) but I'm also realistic.

elle90 · Jun 7, 2010, 06:06 AM

Yea, I can see your point, like you said, one day at a time I guess then, just wait and see what he has to say/do. I'm just not going to push it anymore now, just going to take a back step and watch from a distance I guess and hope for the best.
Good luck xx

NeedKarma · Jun 7, 2010, 07:18 AM

Originally Posted by elle90

I just don't want to give up, thats my reasoning. We had such a strong connection and there were real feelings between us and it didnt end because of an issue with us, but it is a very complicated thing to hope for an us, i just wnt answers I know i'm not going to get unless I see him, but that seems to be half the problem, whether he will let me see him after he keeps asking to see me and then it goes wrong.

Is this the same guy that you say raped you and is the father of your child?