[Megg]

For those you you who know of me, I'm Meg. I'm 21 and for the record I do not have much of a relationship with my parent's.

My father was verbally abusive to me from my early teens to my 20's. He never thought I did anything right and I was always a screw up to him. He treated me very badly and here and there would through things at me or pull my hair.

Today my father and I get together once or twice a month to see my mom and just hangout. I don't really do this because I want to. Mostly I do it, because I don't want to regret not doing it down the road. He's appologied for the bad father he was, he came clean about a lot of things and I think I forgive him. But I will not forget. He made me into a weak, scared, self-esteemless women. Because of him and having no parent's I was a depressed girl and didn't care about life. So I can't forget.

My father has smoked for at least 30 years. Ciggs and pot. (I never saw the pot until yesterday!) But he has had melinoma before and now he has it again in his neck. He just told me yesterday. He said he isn't going to take treatments and that he should have anywhere from 3 months to a year to live.


My mother was never there for me. She never understood me or my problems. I couldn't talk to her girl to girl. I had to figure stuff out or not on my own. When I had my period for the first time, I wasn't happy and she didn't comfort me or explain what it was. She was always too busy to be my mom. Even though being busy was doing nothing. Cooking, laundry or just stiing on her bum reading the bible.

My mom has Pick's. She's been a bit ''off'' all her life. Or all mine at least. She and dad would fight because she didn't understand something simple and he didn't have the love or pacience to help understand her. She drove my grandpa to the edge. When we all lived with him before he died a year ago (god rest his soul) she and he would get into fights and one time I had to call the cops on her... I had to for my grandpa's safety. My dad blames my mom for my grandpa dying. It may have added to his problems, but I'm not going to blame anyone.

Anyway, my mom is now in a home for people with altztimers and Pick's. Basically the nut house. She's happy there, but she doesn't remember a lot of things. Soon she woln't remember me, just like my grandpa before he died. She is too young for the illness and the information says that people like her live for 2-5 years. If they are lucky 10. (on another note, here is a link to my post about my mom having picks)https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...cks-54132.html


So even though its not really a question, I just needed to write it all down and maybe one of you have some advice on how to deal with it. Or just kind words. Let me say, I love my parent's even though some people wouldn't if they were in my shoes. My fiancé hates my dad and doesn't understand why I still care. I care because I was raised to love everyone even those who hurt you. I was a christian for 18 years and even though I'm not currently I still follow the main guidelines. I love my parent's because they made me and my life possible. But I don't and can't love them as a parent and a child loves each other when the actually have a relationship. It's hard to be 21 and see both my parent's close to death. It's hard to know that my whole family hate's each other and that people can be mean and those people are in my family. I'm ashamed. I will miss my parent's but only because of the possibilities their not being ill may have brung.

I miss you mom. Dad. And most of all... grandpa. Thank you guys.

[NeedKarma]

Meg (I like calling you that better than 'freak :)),

It's always sad to lose our parents regardless of the painful memories that may be associated with them. On the other hand I have personally witnessed people around me whose sole purpose in life was to live their lives differently than what their parents did. Believe me Meg they have similar stories to yours and they want to break the cycle so to speak.

The sad part is that you have been robbed of a happy childhood and have been forced to grow up too fast. However being here at AMHD may be helping because I am noticing that your posts are changing for the better, starting with seeing yourself as Meg and not Raynefreak. Your posts are more happy and insightful lately. As anything else positive happened lately?

[Megg]

Not much has happened to me lately. Just the same old. Only thing new in my life is my fiancé and I upgraded our computer's. So I got a new motherboard and vid card... lol.

[shygrneyzs]

Hi Meg. Yes the name suits you better than freak, because you are not a freak. You are a complicated young woman who had to grow up overnight at a very young age. I understand your feelings for your parents. They were (are) both sick and you had to bear the results. When my Mother died, I was glad it was finally over for her. No more pain, no more sickness, just no more. She could not get to anyone anymore. My brothers and I prayed that maybe we could finally heal. But yes, I still did love her. Not so sure why either, but she was my Mother and when it was good with her, it was fun and loving.

You can still love your parents and yet not let them hurt you anymore. You can forgive what they did but that does not mean you open the door for some more. I can see why you say you are not a Christian any longer. When life was the mosts unbearable, where was the faith that was to pull you through? Why didn't certain things happen to make a change and other things be allowed to happen? Don't know how much you have read about those kinds of questions. There is a book called, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold S. Kushner. He wrote the book after his son's fatal illness. I am not trying to convert you but just giving you a resource, in case you would be interested.

It is understandable that you cannot love your parents as, lets say, another child with parents who did not do the things your parents did to you. Don't apoligize for that or be ashamed of your feelings. You are a work in progress. Wonderfully made, even if you cannot see all that at times. When children who grow up in those complicated homes we have two choices as we grow into adulthood. We can either rise above what happened to us, break the cycle of abuse and neglect, learn how to love ourselves, and accept ourselves OR we can stay in the muck and become another generation, that we cried so many tears of pain hoping we could get out, another generation that takes out their miseries on innocents.

Good luck, Meg. Hugs.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes I understand, I lost my dad last year, and had watched him go down and down over a few years. To a point he did not know who I was most of the time.

Now while mom still lives on her own, I only see her a few times a year but each time it is like I can't hardly reconise her as she gets worst.
* she is in her upper 80's

[ordinaryguy]

When children who grow up in those complicated homes we have two choices as we grow into adulthood. We can either rise above what happened to us, break the cycle of abuse and neglect, learn how to love ourselves, and accept ourselves OR we can stay in the muck and become another generation, that we cried so many tears of pain hoping we could get out, another generation that takes out their miseries on innocents.

Many of the people I know personally are better parents and better people than their own parents were. From this simple observation, I take great comfort and hope for the human race. Meg, based on your contributions here at AMHD, I'd say you are improving on your parents' example. If you can do that, you are contributing to a future that is better than the past. Hang in there.

[JoeCanada76]

Yes, I prefer to call you Meg too. It is so much better knowing your real name.

There are many hardships we go through but I do believe eventually these hardships teach us to become a better person ourselves.

I wish the best for you.
Keep caring, and Keep loving no matter what others around you have to say.



Joe

[J_9]

Meg, I must apologize because I did not read your other answers. I hurried to answer you because I am currently staying with my mother while my experiences a lengthy passing of his own.

You see 3 months ago he entered the hospital with pneumonia, he has not left yet, and will not be leaving until he passes.

You have lived a hard life and are a very complex person because of it. But you can use what you have lived to your benefit. Believe me, I was very much like you (as I had my own personal and very private experiences) when I was your age. You can rise above the painful memories and come out shining. I know you can, if I did it, anyone can do it.

First, let me say that, although your mother is sick with Picks (It is a very debilitating disease in an of itself), she does not live in a nut house. She lives in a hospital that cares for the mentally ill. No there is not a difference, but you are degrading your mother by calling it a "nut house." I know people will disagree with me there, but it is a VERY derrogatory term.

Meg, again I can relate. I have had a strained relationship with my father for many many years, again for many personal reasons. Now I live over 600 miles away from him, but came home last week as we believed that I would be here to say goodbye to him. It is hard and it hurts to know that I fostered a resentment toward him for so many years, yet now I watch him lying in his hispital bed, unable to breathe on his own, unable to communicate other than a hand squeeze once in a while.

We must realize that our parents did the best that they could for us. Remember that children do not come with a set of instructions and that mental illness can strike at random (that is to include substance abuse).

We should also realize, and remember, that we can change our futures, we can make it better and brighter for our children because of what we have experienced in our past.

We need to take what was or wasn't taught to us by our parents and embrace it, remember it, and change our future because of it.

Hang in there kiddo. If you need someone, a shoulder to cry on, please PM me. I know what you are going through.

Janine

[Megg]

Everyone thank you for your comments. J_9 thank you for your comment's. In regards to your last comment, I want to make sure its clear that I was in no way trying to make fun or degrade my mother. The home she is in, is like a nut house. Everyone in there is crazy and out of it. The place is a nut house. Even though it could be called something nicer I choose to call it a nut house. I have respect for my mother, however she is and always will be a nutter. Plan and simple. But people disagree, doesn't matter. Point I'm making other than that, is I have changed in spite of my parents. If I wouldn't have gone through some of the BS I went through as a teen either with so called friends or my parents I wouldn't be exactly who I am today. Sure the baggage was FULL when my fiancé came along. To put it frankly, I wasn't a good person. I was a lier, rude, disrespectful and hateful person. I've com a full circle since then thank god and thanks to my fiancé. But thanks everyone for your comment's. I'm glad that you pay attention to my posts and take me seriously. It may be the internet, not real life and I sure don't know any of you, but HUGS. Thanks.


ALSO: For those who don't know BloodRayne is a video game that I like and so I use part of that and the fact that I'm a video game freak, junky, lover whatever for my title. I don't think I'm a freak either, I just use the name a lot for different accounts. How would I go about changing my main name? I've tried, but I can't seem to find a place to do it.

[J_9]

Meg, if you choose to call it a nut house, that is your choice. I did so also when my father was in one, actually 3. I have had experience since then, and have matured, and see that these people are all ill. The only difference is that their illness affects their brains rather than their hearts or kidneys, etc. Maybe with time you will see that.

I did not, and do not, mean to disrespect you and I hope that you don't think I was. I just want you to know that I have walked in your shoes and I understand where you are coming from, again personal info I would rather not divulge.

Stay strong girl, you will get though this too.

[NeedKarma]

Meg,
I believe that once your name is registedred and posts are associated with it then you are stuff with it. PM a mod and ask but I have never seen a name change on an account before. You could always re-register and re-brand yourself. :)

[Megg]

True but then I wouldn't have any points and posts... *cries*

[chippers]

As a nurse, I have worked in these facilities and it's a rough place to be. You see elderly dropped off and rarely get visitors. When they begin to look forward to their nurses coming into work its heart breaking.
But I can understand your feeling about not wanting regrets. This past march, I lost my mother. She died unexpectedly and without hearing me say I loved her. We had issues through our relationship but always mamaged to resolve our issues. But some still remain even after forgiveness is given.
But I can say when they are gone, you remember they were your parents and certain memories will be stronger than others. The bond of parent and child will always be there. Even with my mom's erratic behavior going from one extreme mood to another, I always kept my eye on the fact she wsa my mother. I don't know why she was the wasy she was, as you don't really know why you're parents were the way they were when you were younger. Your emotions and feelings are conflicted. You want to be there for them but in the back of your mind you see themas they were when you were little. As time goes by and you see your mother's adult mind slowly regain its innocence due to alzhiemers as they often do. One day you'll take her hand and you'll smile at her and know its from the love within your own heart that made you do it and not out of duty. The same will go with your father. It always seems to come full circle in some families. Where the children are looked upon for advice and guidance, and also a silent forgiveness that only the heart hears.

[Megg]

as a nurse, I ahve worked in these facilities and it's a rough place to be. you see elderly dropped off and rarely get visitors. when they begin to look forward to their nurses coming into work its heart breaking.
But I can understand your feeling about not wanting regrets. this past march, I lost my mother. she died unexpectedly and without hearing me say I loved her. we had issues throught our relationship but always mamaged to resolve our issues. but some still remain even after forgiveness is given.
but I can say when they are gone, you remember they were your parents and certain memories will be stronger than others. the bond of parent and child will always be there. even with my mom's erratic behavior going from one extreme mood to another, I always kept my eye on the fact she wsa my mother. I don't know why she was the wasy she was, as you don't really know why youre parents were the way they were when you were younger. your emotions and feelings are conflicted. you want to be there for them but in the back of your mind you see themas they were when you were little. as time goes by and you see your mother's adult mind slowly regain its innocence due to alzhiemers as they often do. one day you'll take her hand and you'll smile at her and know its from the love within your own heart that made you do it and not out of duty. the same will go with your father. It always seems to come full circle in some families. where the children are looked upon for advice and guidance, and also a silent forgiveness that only the heart hears.

I get what your saying and all, but I don't have any bonds with my parent's and never will. They are parent's to me only by blood and not by the heart. That will never change, I'm 21 and I know what things may change in my life, but that will not. I've been abused and I practically raised my own self. I am who I am today in spite of them.

Also, just to clear things up, it really was as bad as I made it sound. I was mentally abused everyday and was degraded as well. I was summoned to do things with a cow bell. I was put on a short leash and was that way from age 12 to 20. So it wasn't just my early teens, it was my whole teen years which are thoe MOST important when raising a kid because that's when they become who they will be the rest of their life. So for the rest of mine or at least years still to come, I'll struggle with self-image problems, depression, anger issues and I'll always feel like I'm not good enough. Pretty sad that parent's could do that to a kid. That's why I hate my parent's as people. But love them because I have to. I don't see my mom often because even though she's sick she doesn't deserve to see me. I don't talk to my dad much when I'm with him, because he's not bright and well plan dumb. I don't like stupid people. You can't have much of a conversation with them.

I do understand where your coming from. But I don't want you or anyone to take my situation like I'm making it seem worse. I lived it. I know. --Im not saying that anyone IS taking it lightly, I'm just making my point. I also don't want people to think that I will ever actually care or do anything for my parent's. If they ever need money or die and need the funeral paid for, I'm not doing it even if the law says I have to. I'll sit in jail. In my mind they are not my parent's. Techniqually they are. But not really. So I guess I lie when people ask about parent's. I say I don't have any. That they're dead, and they damn well are to me.

The pain doesn't go away. Maybe it has for you guys or any one else. But it hasn't for me. It woln't for awhile. But I do know that I will forever have scars due to my parent's. Scars don't go away ever. They just get covered up. I try really hard to be adult (which is hard, because I'm immutre and I don't act like an adult half the time) and act like a nice person. But deep down I really hate them. If they died I kind of woln't care. It's not like they are part of my life anyway. But I try not to focus on those thoughts, because that's not lady like.

But I thank you for sharing your own stories. At least I'm not the only person who's delt with these type of problems.

[J_9]

Meg, it is very obvious to us, me at least, that you were mistreated as a child. Now, remember, I do know where you are coming from, more than you will imagine. I, however, choose to keep that part of my life private.

I understand that you hate them, I understand that you feel that they don't deserve to see you, I understand that you don't "like dumb ppl." I also understand that the pain doesn't go away.

But let me say that your OP here is contradictory of this one. In your OP you say:

Let me say, I love my parent's even though some people wouldn't if they were in my shoes.

You are a very confused girl, and I don't mean that in a bad way. Confusion can sometimes be a good thing. You are also a very complex girl, that too can be good for some people at certain times in their lives.

I will say, and don't, please don't take this the wrong way, that it is very apparent you need to get some therapy to deal with all of the issues you have. Therapy is not bad, there is no longer the stigma that therapy used to have.

You seem to have gone through the same childhood my father did. And I can tell you from experience how therapy helped him and our family.

Again, Meg, no need to lash out at me, get mad at my words, just read and think that maybe somehow, someway, someone much older than you does understand what you have been through and what you will go through in the next 21 years of your life, with or without therapy.

I have a group I would like you to contact, but only when and if you are willing. Please just think about it, that is all I ask.

[Megg]

Oute by J_9
Again, Meg, no need to lash out at me, get mad at my words, just read and think that maybe somehow, someway, someone much older than you does understand what you have been through and what you will go through in the next 21 years of your life, with or without therapy.

I wasn't trying to lash out, I'm sorry if you thought that. Sometime's I may seem offened or whatever. There's no need to worry that I'll "lash" out. Is there something I've done to make you think that? As I said, I am sorry about that :-) I haven't though about therapy, because I haven't got money to spare. Now if you know of a free place then sure. Other then that, my fiancé wouldn't understand and it may cause problems, he doesn't agree with my coming to this site.

But sometime's I feel I need someone to talk to. My fiancé is the only person I see and talk to most of the time. I have no friends where I live and my friends from school weren't real friends. So I am a lonely person most of the time, I get sick of talking to myself and when my fiancé comes home he's too tired to talk.

[J_9]

Mug, hun, I did not think you were lashing out, but I just don't want you to. I want you to know that my words are coming from experience, however sometimes when we hear things that we know can be true but don't want to hear it, we get defensive. I just want you to know that I am here to support you.

I am sorry your fiancé would not understand therapy. Talking to someone who is educated or experienced in specific areas can help anyone with virtually anything.

I need to know where you are in order to be able to see if there are free or sliding scale fee people in your area. You can PM me with that info if you don't feel comfortable revealing it on the site.

[Megg]

I live in York, PA.

[J_9]

Is that York County, the city of Hanover?

[Megg]

York County, PA sorry. I live outside of Red Lion. I don't think its Hanover. I'm not sure. I'm used to calling it York County, or York.