[robertsam]

We met 4 years ago and started dating 2 years after. I was her first and we loved each other a lot. I know all her family and she flew with me to my mom's in Italy. After that we decided to move there. 2 weeks ago (1 month before we had to go to Italy) she broke up with me. We seen each other a few times after that trying to work things out but we fought again. Now she told me that she needs space and wants to have fun and be independent. Also she hangs out with a friend of ours that we know for only 2 months. He liked her before we broke up and I think he has influence on her. Her mom is desperate to get us back together. She told her mom that she is hanging out with that guy but that she doesn't want a relationship with him now.

I've seen them together a few times and I don't know what she wants. I think that she is thinking to choose between me and him. All of our friends are mad at her for going with that guy. She said that she is confused about her feeling towards me. I initiated no contact 4 days ago and she kept calling me to ask me random things not about our relationship. She is going out all night and she is hiding something from me. I asked her if she is with that guy but she said no. She said that I listen to my friends and that I am jealous.

I love her and want her back. We supposed to move to Italy together. Now she changed a lot and she is doing things that she never did before. Her behaviour is confusing and I don't know what to do right now. Her mom told me that I should try again to get her back. Please any help would be great right now.

[talaniman]

Pretty obvious she wants to explore and experiment in her new world and just is not ready to commit and follow her first and only love into his world.

Leave her AND her mom alone and give her plenty of space to figure herself out my friend. I know what you want, but she doesn't want to give it to you. Painfully simple, yet hard to understand. Its very important she make her own choice without your influence.

You have little choice but to disappear from her life for both your own good.

[Triysle]

Couple things -

1) She's not your girlfriend anymore. She's not "hiding" anything from you; it's not your business what she's doing, where she's going, or who she's with.

2) If someone outside the relationship can convince her to end the relationship, it wasn't that stable to begin with.

Right now the best thing you can do is learn what you can about yourself and move on. For what it's worth, I'm currently going through a breakup. My ex and I left our friends and family behind and began a new life on the other side of the country.

People change over time, especially in a new environment with lots of exciting opportunities and experiences to try. She has already moved on and is exploring her life. You should do the same.

It sucks when you think you have your whole life planned out and the person you planned on sharing it with decides to leave. That doesn't mean you can't continue on by yourself; quite the opposite, actually! Use this experience to find your own inner strength and build a life on your own. You'll find that once you can do that, you'll be much better prepared to share it with someone.

[robertsam]

I know but she keeps hiding from me and friends and her family.. Why she does that I told her that she can tell me if she is with that guy because we are not togheter anymore.. She is acting weird and me and all of our friends lost respect for her.. She is hiding her phone and she is secretive around everybody.. She hangs with the wrong people and ending in bad situations.. She changed completely... I asked her what's wrong with her she becomes resistant and angry.. Around me she tries to make me jealous and has that forced laugh and then suddenly she is sad.. I don't understand why she is like this.. We were friends 2 years before we got togheter I want to be able to talk friendly with her but she keeps lying and all of that.. I want at least to be friendly to each other but I loose respect for her because of her actions and behaviour.. She keeps saying that she is thinking of us getting back togheter but then she lies and hides and avoids me.. I ant her to get in her senses and be happy I don't want to see her like this..

[Triysle]

I know it's hard to accept, but it's none of your business anymore. If she's not your girlfriend, she's not "hiding" from you - she's just choosing not be around you. That's her right, and you should respect her space.

You mentioned that you and your friends have lost your respect for her. Why does that matter? She chose not to be in your life anymore, and if you really want to start healing and move on you need to stop making any judgments, positive or negative, about her. I know it's hard because you're feeling a lot of hurt and anger right now, but you need to refocus your energy on yourself and your own life.

People don't just "change" overnight. Relationships build up, grow, and sadly sometimes dwindle as one or both of the people involved learn more about themselves and their individual desires in life.

You need to stop engaging her and actually go No Contact. She mentioned she might want to get back together? Fine, but figure out your own life first. And if you've really lost respect for her like you say, you shouldn't try to make a relationship work again.

I personally feel that respect is more important in a relationship than even love. You can love someone deeply, but you need to always have each other's back and respect each other's individual lives and choices. If you can't do that, you'll just keep circling back to petty arguments, trust issues, and ultimately another breakup.

[robertsam]

Yes I lost some respect because of her actions.. But if she comes to her senses it will be fine.. She told me that in a week she will tell me what she wants... And I've met our friends trough her.. because I was at my mom and when I returned home she introduced me to them.So they saw how she is behaving and they all came to my side.. She is frustrated now her mother always tells her about me and she is upset about it.I really want to see her back on her feet.I am working on myself but I know what I want I am not confused about me I am confused about her.I will not contact her anymore to see what happens.

[Triysle]

Sigh... again... it's not your place to determine if she "comes to her senses" or not.

She is her own person. She has a right to do whatever she wants to do and be whoever she wants to be.

The fact that you keep coming back to the judgmental attitude is highly concerning, and leads me to believe that it was a large factor in her decision to leave you.

If you want to have a successful relationship, you need to learn to accept someone for who they are. If they're still figuring out who they are, then you need to give them the time and space needed to work through that.

Honestly, you come off sounding very controlling. The fact that you continue to use your family and friends to validate these negative opinions further shows that you don't have a clear sense of yourself.

Take this time to learn more about who YOU are and what YOU want. Since respect is obviously very important to you, first make sure you respect yourself regardless of your family and friends input. Then maybe you can get to a point where you can be happy and healthy sharing your life with someone.

[odinn7]

I'm thinking that perhaps she didn't want to move to Italy and was feeling forced into doing it.

Triysle is right..."come to her senses" is not correct here. Maybe, to her, she has come to her senses but just doesn't know how to tell you.

I know it's hard when you think you have it all figured out and then, seemingly out of nowhere, they change their mind and your life is no longer the way you pictured it would be. The problem is that when you involve someone else in your plans, it always has the potential to turn out that way....you just need to pick up the pieces and move forward.

[robertsam]

Yeah I do know that I don't have control on herand I don't want to.She is a person and she has her own toughts and plans I know that very well.Yes it came like a shock to me that she broke up with me and all of that.. I accept that, I did things wrong myself in the relationship she is not the only one that made mistakes.I don't want to force her to get back or to come to her senses in any way.I am looking at things from the outside and it looks very very different.I care for her and I can't see her like this.. I don't want it to be because of me or anything.. We were very honest to eachoter and we always got eachothers backs.. It's strange now that I can't help her.. I think on some level she panicked about us moving to Italy I don't know and I will not bother thinking what's going on with her.. I will focus on myself for now.. It all happened so fast and I'm trying to get my feelings togheter right now.. She was my first serious relationship and I've learned a lot about myself.. I hope she turns out to be happy and okay.. and we will se what happens..

She also told me that she is thinking about us and that she will give me a response in a week... So I will mind my own business for now and if she will come back I will know how to handle it..

[robertsam]

So I just heard drom one of my friends that she was with that other guy at a club... He was there too and saw them togheter.. He told me that he didn't see them kissing or anything else but they came togheter there.. This is my best friend and the most honest of all of my friends so I trust him with this one.. Yes her actions don't match her words.Today she told me to wait for her answer because she has a lot of stuff to do now and that she needs to sort thing out in her head.. She told me if I can't wait for her I can leave to my mother and that she doesn't want to keep me hanging.Right after that talk she was with that guy at that club... So yes I see how it is right now so I will finally move on I will go to my mom and start fresh from tehre and I hope I will forget about all of this.I never believed that she can do this to me she always told me that if something is wrong she would tell me.But guess what? Now she is hiding lying to me and goes out with that guy.So now I accept that people change even if it hurts so bad because I always seen her different from the other girls she always been faithful and honest with me.It hurts when the loved ones are treating you like garbage and do stuff behind your back... But I prefer to remind me of her when she was good and nice.I will go NC and prepare for my ride to my mom's place... I don't like to stay here anymore but I can only leave in 1 month or so.It's killing me being around her and knowing what she does but I have to wait a little more to leave.Hopefully there I will start to forget about all that happened and move on.Also her mother called again started crying and told me she doesn't recognize her mother either.. that she never calls or talks to her mother and her mother can't imagine how her daughter stopped loving me and dating that other guy.I told her mother that this is the situation people change and to forget all about it and I told her that I gave up and all of that.. I told her mother to stop asking her questions and to not bring my name out when talking to her daughter and to be there for here no matter what she does and wants.This is it I am done trying to get her back and I'm tired of getting lied in the face by her.Thank you for all the advice it was a rough time for me and I have nobody to talk to here where I stay.Even now I can't understand why she changed and why she did this but I won't try to find out anymore...