Check out some similar questions!

ashleysv · Sep 30, 2014, 06:30 AM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a month now.

He has a job and goes to school (we are both 20). Lately, he's been having difficulties paying his rent on time and last Friday when I was supposed to stay the night, did his landlord kick him out of his house and told him he could not come back in until he had some money to give him. I was rather upset because I had purchased a bus ticket to return the next morning and in fine print, you are unable to change the date/time of your travel plans. At 1 am, I also did not have time to purchase a new ticket for an additional bus home.

I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed with his financial problems and I told this to him. I almost broke up with him on Friday (I say almost because he convinced me otherwise).

We've been dating a month and yet have to go on a real date. We've gone to baseball games where he pays for the tickets, but I always end up having to pay for our meals because he has no money. I always have to come to him if I want to see him because he cannot afford a bus ticket to see me (we live 20 minutes away, and my car is at home while I attend school and he has no license himself).

I care about him so it kind of upsets me that I'm having these conflicted thoughts on what I should do. He treats me well, we have a great time when we hang out, I just am tired of being burdened with having to pay for everything when we go out, and though he always says he "feels bad" - I'm not entirely sure that is the case.

Am I nuts for staying in this relationship? My friends think that if it's a comfortable relationship and I'm not giving him money to pay his rent or whatever then it's fine. I'm just unsure myself, though.

smoothy · Sep 30, 2014, 06:42 AM

Run away... run far, run fast. If you don't eventually HIS debts will become YOUR debts. You've only "somewhat" dated him for a month, without a real date. You can't and really shouldn't be caring all that much yet.

If you hang around until you actually have something invested in him, (trust me, you really don't yet) he's going to be asking for money, you will be giving it to him... and if god forbid, you ever married... his existing debts WILL become your problem, as will any new ones.

If you have any common sense... you will walk away from this one. For your own good.

tickle · Sep 30, 2014, 06:42 AM

I see a potential long term problem here if you continue to see him and hope for a relationship. If he cant manage his money now, to the point of not having money for a roof over his head, then how will he ever accomplish this ? On top of this, you have only been seeing him for a month. No, my dear, you are paying for almost everything now, and it will continue to be so if he hasn't got two cents to rub together while having a job.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 30, 2014, 07:01 AM

Well, of course, legally landlord can not just throw him out, in middle of night, but as to evict though a legal process,
But that is too late to discuss now.

For students, it is common and it should be, where date costs are shared, the man should not always be paying.

But, what is a real date ( a ball game is a date) heck going to a fast food, is a date,
So not sure, what you call a real date.

And of course, if you have not "dated him" you seem OK with sleeping with him ?

But I agree, he can not ever come and see you, and it is only 20 miles, there is a problem

Triysle · Oct 1, 2014, 11:33 AM

I almost broke up with him on Friday (I say almost because he convinced me otherwise).

This should be a big red flag for you. Everyone feels certain insecurities in a relationship, but this one is essentially brand new.

It's fine to help each other with finances in an emergency, and it's healthy to lean on each other for emotional support. But it cannot be a one-way street.

Eventually these feelings you're having will turn into a complete lack of respect for your partner, and you'll end up hurting him and yourself even more. The longer you build a life based solely around making someone else happy, the less time you're spending on making sure you're happy with your own life.

I think the best thing you can do is sit down with this man and talk to him about your concerns openly and bluntly. You may hurt his feelings and he may blame you for making him feel bad, but you have the right to be with someone who shares your life instead of consuming it.

Confrontations are never easy but they are worth it in the long run. I spent years feeling like I owed everything to my partner to the point where I became emotionally dependent on her needs and her happiness. Suffice to say, it ended extremely painfully for both of us.

DoulaLC · Oct 1, 2014, 02:05 PM

What has changed lately that has caused him to experience difficulty with his finances? Do you know what he spends his money on? Does he eat out a lot? Go out often with friends? Use a credit care often? Big student loans?

Does he express any desire to get better with dealing with his finances?

If you decide to keep seeing him, maybe consider splitting the bus rides, or meet somewhere in between once in awhile. If he pays for baseball tickets, you could buy an inexpensive meal beforehand so as not to spend money at the game (which is often expensive). Consider more movie watching at home or things like that. Prepare meals together instead of eating out.

talaniman · Oct 1, 2014, 02:51 PM

It's only been a month and not only are you unhappy, but ready to quit. I think you should. People date for fun, not misery, and his misery loves your company.

DoulaLC · Oct 1, 2014, 05:16 PM

He treats you well and you have a great time together. I'm not sure why you are feeling so overwhelmed, why you claim not to have gone on a real date yet, and that you have to pay for everything.

In just one month you have gone to baseball games and you have eaten out together... aren't those dates? What are you expecting from him? You didn't pay for "everything", as you have said he bought the baseball tickets.

Maybe your expectations are higher than he can provide for you.

joypulv · Oct 1, 2014, 06:24 PM

I also see the financial differences from his side. Somehow you are 20, in school, and own a car. That's a huge expense for a 20 year old. Makes me wonder if your parents bought it and pay the expensive insurance of an under 25 driver? Do they give you an allowance? You don't mention having a job. He's actually what I remember as the typical 'starving student.' Plus you say that you pay for everything when you don't. SO.... I don't think you two are a good match. He's obviously in love with you. Maybe his work hours have suffered to spend time with you, and maybe he has spent more on you than you realize, and that's why he didn't pay the rent. Give him a break and let him go.