[Actual64]

I met this girl recently and have been dating for about two months. We recently went away to the beach for a weekend. This week she told me she and her ex husband had had a three way. For the record I did not ask about it. She volunteered it. I was somewhat jokingly hinting at one and she said she had already done that and was not doing it again. I was crushed because I respected her and felt insecure because I have never had one, and by the sound of things I never will. Even if a threeway was a bad experience then at least I would know. I really respected this girl and have been a gentleman ever since I met her. Now its just not the same. I do think your past matters and is not irrelevant. For example, if I said I had robbed a bank before but that it was years ago and I did not plan on doing that again I think most people we at least think about that before getting involved. Does anyone have any advice other than blowing me up which will not help. Thanks

[Fr_Chuck]

She is being clear, she did not like it, ( most wife's do not like it) most likely she did it for last husband, and it may be part of reason for divorce.

So why do you even want to consider this. If you want to marry her, why is she not enough

[J_9]

That was in her past. Before you. Has nothing to do with you. Give it a break already. At least you know that she is upfront with you and honest. She could have lied to your face and you could have found out some other way. Then you wouldn't trust her?

Sounds like a broken relationship that is not fixable. Time to move on since you don't seem to be mature enough to handle what happened before you stays before you.

[teacherjenn4]

Did you advertise somewhere that you were interested in meeting someone for a threesome partner before you met? Did you talk about it within the first few dates? If not, it's your fault for not making it clear from the beginning. Things that are deal breakers should be mentioned right away so neither of you waste your time.

[Oliver2011]

Did you read your post? You are holding her to a high standard, even though you want to have a threesome and you want to include her in it. That doesn't make sense.

And what she has done in the past is her past. Are you going to ruin the relationship over it?

In the future know when you ask a question you need to be prepared for whatever the answer is. Even the answers that you don't like.

[Actual64]

Did you read your post? You are holding her to a high standard, even though you want to have a threesome and you want to include her in it. That doesn't make sense.

And what she has done in the past is her past. Are you going to ruin the relationship over it?

In the future know when you ask a question you need to be prepared for whatever the answer is. Even the answers that you don't like.

Did you read my post? She volunteered that! If your past does not matter would you date someone that had molested a child? If we use your logic that would be in the past and not matter right?

[Oliver2011]

Did you read my post? She volunteered that! If your past does not matter would you date someone that had molested a child? If we use your logic that would be in the past and not matter right?

That doesn't make sense and it also doesn't fit into what you described. Here is what you described and I will use your bank robber example.

You are judging her for robbing a bank in her past even though you want to rob a bank soon and you want her to even participate in the bank robbery.

Her reaction to your reaction is probably going to be: "I am never volunteering any information again because he can't handle it and I will be judged". And honestly you have been dating her 2 months. There is probably a lot more you don't know about her.

Instead of judging, why don't you appreciate that she was open and honest about it.

[J_9]

If your past does not matter would you date someone that had molested a child?

Oh, come on now. You are being overly dramatic. You are not talking about someone who molested a child, you are in a relationship with someone who had a threesome, while married, before you were in the picture.

Of course the past matters when there is criminal activity, but I don't see an inkling of criminal behavior here. This was between 3 consenting adults. Time to grow a pair and realize that this happened when she was MARRIED and before she was involved with you.

What I see here is someone who has very low self esteem and cannot grasp the fact that things that happen in past relationships have nothing to do with current relationships.

You need to consider yourself lucky that she felt comfortable enough with you to confide in you.

[aliseaodo]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Oliver2011 again.

Perfectly said.

[Actual64]

What I see here is someone who has very low self esteem --said the one to the other...

[J_9]

Yes, you do have low self esteem if you can't handle her past. What happens in the past stays in the past.

BTW, I've been in a happy healthy marriage for 20 years now. What he did with his ex wife is none of my business.

[talaniman]

You are just hurt you will never have a threesome with this girl, but you will get over it eventually, and more than likely, you may not marry, so there may yet be a 3-some in your future.

Then you may get hurt yet again if she enjoys it too much and dumps you for the 3rd wheel. Even worse the third wheel is a guy who likes you more than your female.

The point is enjoy what you have it may not last forever, and be careful what you wish for.

[Actual64]

Did you advertise somewhere that you were interested in meeting someone for a threesome partner before you met? Did you talk about it within the first few dates? If not, it's your fault for not making it clear from the beginning. Things that are deal breakers should be mentioned right away so neither of you waste your time.

Teacherjenn4 you can't ask those questions appropriately in a life time let alone a first few dates. Imagine a question like, "Have you ever had sex for money?" How would that be received? Very badly.

[talaniman]

You know dude we get use to people coming for suggestions and insights and then not liking them but it is an insecure person who gets told by his partner that they had a 3-some and didn't like it, and you not chime in your disappointment and disclose that's your life dream.

Okay, I give you the benefit of a doubt that you may have been caught off guard, but I think after two months she was telling you about herself and what she wouldn't do. Deal with it, or get another date.

I mean if you have the balls and keyboard courage to disparage others here, you should have the balls to deal with the female you are dating without whining to strangers online about it. Whining is okay, but disrespect is NOT.

[Alty]

This is classic. She had a threesome, so now you don't respect her anymore, but only because she won't have another threesome with you so you can experience one too.

Oliver said it best, according to your scenario you're mad because she "robbed a bank", and won't do it again, even though you want her to "rob a bank" with you.

She's not the one with the problem, you are. I think it's actually great that you're having this reaction. Get all upset, go sit on your high horse, dump her. She deserves better.

[teacherjenn4]

Teacherjenn4 you can't ask those questions appropriately in a life time let alone a first few dates. Imagine a question like, "Have you ever had sex for money?" How would that be received? Very badly.

Oh, yes you can. There's no reason why you can't ask questions that are important to you. The question would be something about an interest in a threesome, not if she had ever had one.

[odinn7]

What I see here is someone who has very low self esteem --said the one to the other....

What I see here is someone judging someone for something that they also wanted to do... as you had "jokingly" suggested it to her, I assume that deep down, you wanted such a thing as well. Deny it if you must but I won't believe it. You don't "jokingly" suggest it unless it is actually on your mind.

So you are judging her for something she did as an adult before you ever came along... Dump her and let her find someone that won't be so judgmental about her past.

[ScottGem]

Did you read my post? She volunteered that! If your past does not matter would you date someone that had molested a child? If we use your logic that would be in the past and not matter right?

One's past matters ONLY as far as it indicates possible future behavior. And no she didn't completely volunteer the info. You said you brought it up jokingly. She wanted to make it clear to you it wasn't happening and why. That she did it with an ex husband shows that she loved her husband at the time and wasq willing to try something to please him. But having done it, I can see her deciding she is unlikely to love someone so much as to do it again.

You, on the other hand, sound like a selfish and shallow person more concerned with your wants and desires than hers. If it bothers you that she won't do it, then end the relationship and move on.

[Actual64]

The three way was her idea not his. Stick to computers.

[talaniman]

What's more important to you? A relationship with just her, or a threesome?