[Lylalove]

I met my boyfriend when I was 15 (im 22 now)and was pretty much infatuated since day one. He appeared to be a confident easy going person and he treat my amazingly. He was 7 years older than me and had his own place,car etc so being 15 I was totally drawn in. I have had a complicated life and moved around countless times around the country with my grandma.

When we moved to the place I met him my grandma wanted to move again far away. At this point I was so sick of moving and losing friends that I decided I wanted to stay (mostly due to boyfriend) and finish my gcse's. Because I was only young my nan send me to live with my mum ( who gave me up at birth) and we have never really got on. I hated it straight away when my nan left and got into deep depression, my friends were non existent and my mum turned nasty getting drunk most nights and saying hurtful things. I decided to move in with my boyfriend to get away from it all.

He was really nice at first but then lost his driving licence due to drink driving and lost his job ( which was a driving job) he turned into the most horrible bitter person. For around 6 months I tried to look for my own place while I was at college but couldn't afford anything.

My boyfriend got worse being violent an threatening to throw me out of I did anything he didn't like. At this point I was 17 and totally alone. I realised the mistake I had made by not moving but it was too late. My boyfriend just got worse as time went in taking class a drugs and threatening me. He often said I was skins because I was such a bad person and no one wanted me. He would leave me to cry myself to sleep on a night and tell me to shut the up because he was tired. He would call me perthetic and a baby and verbally abuse me until I hated my life.

I tried to leave but had absolutely no where to go. Anyway years later I got a good well paid job and rented out a house. He didn't like it because I didn't need him and would often hit me about. He would push me,spit on me and treat me like a dog. He would leave me to walk home alone in the dark to get drunk, humiliate me in front of his friends and tell me he didn't and never did love me.He would tell me to kill myself if I wanted because nobody cared.

After 3-4 years if the abuse I decided to talk to my gp about depression. They referred me to counselling. Counsellor diagnosed me with severe anxiety, depression and OCD. He also mentioned something called adult attachment disorder and said due to all three parent figures leaving me I had attachment issues and would pretty much except any maltreatment out of fear of being left alone again.

To cut a long story shorter I felt totally dependent on him and really thought I was totally in love with him. I blamed myself for all his bad behaviour and even tried to change my own personality. It wasn't bad everyday (when I did what he said).

After growing up a bit I realised I shouldn't be treat this way and started to stand up for myself. The abuse got better for a while but then he would leave and ignore me for days/ weeks until I apologised. He did this nearly every month for 2-3 years. In January 2012 I told him I wasn't taking it anymore and I wanted it over.

He changed his tune immediately promising good behaviour and he kept it up for 6 months before threatening to kill me in my bathroom with a belt when he got annoyed one day. I begged for an explanation but was my fault. He was on and of abusive until October when he told me wanted us to work and was going to do anything it took. He said he had grown up and apologised for everything it was all going so well and I started to love him again.

In December we had a fight and he poured freezing water over me and pinned me to the bed and told me it was over and that I was going to die he threatened to hang himself if I left and said he would find me and kill me. He tried to strangle me and verbally abused me saying I was all to blame again. I've never been so scared In all my life. He told me this time afterwards that he wanted to go to counselling and change his ways but I started to really hate him and just wanted him out.

Now every time he touches me it makes me cringe, every time he speaks I want to punch him. Everything he does makes me hate him I have no feelings for him at all anymore. I know people will think I am a doormat but I honestly am not I don't know what made me want to be treated in this way.I am defiantly going to end it this year when I go away for university but I'm scared I won't be able to let him go even though I don't want him. I know this is long sorry! Had to get the whole story across. Thanks for reading.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm sorry, but this is too long to digest. If you are not in love with him, don't want to be with him, he makes you cringe you are being cruel by continuing to lead him on, continuing the relationship. That is most unfair to him. I see a lot of "I" in your post. I see very little of "him."

You appear to be in counselling. Have you discussed this with your counsellor?

[Cat1864]

You need to get out and build a life for yourself. He may be on his best behavior today, but he has shown it is only a matter of time until he snaps again. From what you have said, he is getting more violent with each 'snap'. Get out before he carries out his threats.

You also need to leave because you are losing what little of yourself you have kept and nurtured. The anger and other negative feelings for him are taking over and I am concerned that you might 'snap'. Leave before you hurt someone like an innocent bystander. He is not worth going to jail.

If you aren't in counseling, find a counselor you trust and work on healing yourself. Find the tools to build up your self-confidence and self-worth. Learn to allow the negative feelings and thoughts fade into the past. Learn how to be free and enjoy life.

I also think you should look into the resources available for abused women. You may need their help and support services.

Good luck.

[Fr_Chuck]

You keep saying you should leave but could not, he has been physcially abusive time and time again, at some point he will kill you or hurt you badly.

You need to walk out the front door and never look back, live in your car, go to a women's shelter, anything is better than what you have happening