[saravjd]

Hi
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. I really love him and know he loves me. But through out our relationship there have been a lot of stressors, boring stories but for example his ex stopping him see his children and having to go back and fourth from court. This ia major thing for us as I no its so important to him his a dad who used to do the school run see his girls every day to only once a week because she just won't allow him even when the court says she has to. We argue a lot. When we do argue though we both scream and I have been trying to walk away. But it eveentually gets to the poitn he'll kick me out ofour and say its his and I need to leave . Then he Pushes me for example we had a fight and we were shouting and he pushed me and pushed me again to the floor and pushed me with his foot. My thought was to say how dar eyou tocuh me like that. He said he didn't hit me he pushed me. I feel it wrong he doesn't see it that way and when we apoligies to each other he always justifies it because I was yelling in his face. Im not a stupid person but need some advice is he right?? Is it not as big a deal as I think it is? I would talk to my friends but don't want them to know what goes on as no oen knows we argue I just put a front on. Any ideas?? Thanks

[Fr_Chuck]

This is abuse, it is assault and it is against the law.

1. first if you live there, he can not just kick you out, he will have to evict you if your name is not on the lease, if your name is also on the lease he can not even kick you out at all.
So get that straight with him NOW that he will never say or try to do that again, since it is wrong and it is also illegal.

2. touching you, sorry, pushing is the same as hitting, and if he pushes you to the ground and then with foot ( that is called kicking) he should be in jail.

Personally I would run away from this, since obviously the relationship is not healthy and not working, anytime it turns to actual abuse like this, seldom will it do anything than get worst

[saravjd]

I thought the same as you. But the fact is he kicks me out because he knows I have some where to go and he does not especially if he has his girls round. I no where you might think its kicking but I don't know if it was he pushed me like actually pushed me when I was on the floor. I agree pushing is unacceptable but just guess some clarrification so I have better grounds for when I do talk to him. It has only happen like 4 times in 2 years but that is too many for even my common sense I want him to get help and work on it . I do actually care for him , but obviously if he doesn't want to accept responsibility or help I might have no option but than to. Thank you very much for you response its nice to hear some one else's view

[Yogapple]

Just using a different analogy here... if a frog is put into hot water, it will immediately jump out, it knows that staying in these conditions are bad for it. However, if a frog is put into a container of cold water, and the water temperature is gradually increased at a slow rate, it will not notice that the water is getting hotter and hotter, even in boiling conditions, it will not notice that these conditions are bad for it & risking its life.

Using the same analogy, an abusive situation works in a similar way. At first, there might be one small push here, and one push there, women can rationalise their abuser's behaviour, thinking that maybe they were overtired, maybe we provoked that type of behaviour. They may additionally think that if they change their behaviour (e.g. act more passive/agreeable), their abuser will change. But as time progresses, those increasing pushes/shoves are now causing not only severe physical harm, but also detrimental physiological harm, eroding yourself worth and esteem. These conditions are not only bad, but they are risking your life.

Firstly, you are worth more than that. You deserve to be loved unconditionally. You are a beautiful valuable human being that deserves to have boundaries that people, particularly your partner, should respect without question. Physical abuse is a boundary violation, whereby abusers often use abuse as a means of controlling/manipulating a person for their own benefit. That is not love, that is narcissistic personality abuse.

Here are a few questions to think about >>

- When you first met your partner, was he open/honest about his resort to physical abuse if he didn't get his way? Is this what you originally signed up for? (i.e. being physically abused for having an opinion?)
- Do you really want to be living in these conditions (in fear/intimidation) in 5, 10, 20 years time? Or would you prefer to be living with a partner that is aligned to the qualities that you would love in a partner (e.g. makes you feel good about yourself, emotionally mature, someone that is easy to talk to, keeps calm/kind in moments of stress, respects your boundaries)
- If your children are being exposed to his pattern of abusive behaviour, statistics show that they are more likely to be in an abusive relationship when they get older. Do you really want that for your children? Or would you prefer them to be in a loving relationship with a partner that respects their boundaries and self-worth.

You are absolutely worth more than that. It would be a good idea for you to surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family that can protect you/help you out of this situation. There are informative websites/youtube/counselling resources that can help you move forward, & enjoy life again. : )

[Fr_Chuck]

You are a abused girlfriend, you have all the signs, now when we tell you, what do you do, depend him, You and women like you are why women end up in the hospital with a face you can't recognize and family crying. You and women like you are the people police officers hate, you would call them at night, and want him arrested, then the next morning take all the food and rent money and bail him out.

So stay, the push will end up into a table, or a fall will hit your head, or perhaps he will just hit you or slap you, by that time, you will know you caused it, and it is your fault, so you accept it.

[Yogapple]

You are a abused girlfriend, you have all the signs, now when we tell you, what do you do, depend him, You and women like you are why women end up in the hospital with a face you can't reconize and family crying. You and women like you are the people police officers hate, you would call them at night, and want him arrested, then the next morning take all the food and rent money and bail him out.

So stay, the push will end up into a table, or a fall will hit your head, or perhaps he will just hit you or slap you, by that time, you will know you caused it, and it is your fault, so you accept it.

Now, Fr_Chuck, that kind of petty meanness doesn't become you. Show us all you can do better.

[Fr_Chuck]

Not mean, the truth, I have had to give break up fights between couples, just to have the women attack because you hit her boyfriend who was beating her.

I have risked my life taking a knife away from a man, to have the women refuse to testify in court against him, and he latter put the knife in her back.

I have had to answer charges for not arresting a man, when the women begged me not to, because she was at the ER latter that night seriously hurt.

A women has the first chance, she sees it is happening, after the 2nd or 3 time, I really don't feel sorry for them any more.

[Yogapple]

Fr_Chuck, I just read your first post & I agree with you on those points >>
- It is strongly advisable to leave the abusive relationship; &
- The situation won't get better, it will only lead to a progressively worse situation that may be potentially life-threatening.
It is understandable that from your personal involvement & risking your life in a couple's domestic disputes Fr_Chuck, that you do not want her to go down the same path.

One point though - I just don't agree that it is the person's fault if they are physically abused by their partner.

Statistically, many women stay in an abusive relationship because they have been threatened by their partner that they will be harmed if they leave them, their partner may insist that they will never abuse them again or they may have been exposed to abuse since they were a child. They often have diminished self worth/esteem as a result of prolonged verbal/emotional/physical abuse that leaves them in a state of fear, intimidation, confusion and uncertainty as to how to effectively deal with the situation that no woman should ever have to go through.

Saravjd, please see a counsellor/family member/friends to provide you with ongoing support & help you to move out of that situation. It's important for you to be treated with unconditional love & respect. Abuse is never the victim's fault, we all make decisions in life that can lead us to situations that we didn't expect to find ourselves in. The main priority is to move yourself away from this person that is mistreating you, complete no contact, you deserve so much more than the way he is treating you. : )

[Enigma1999]

Fr_Chuck, I just read your first post & I agree with you on those points >>
- It is strongly advisable to leave the abusive relationship; &
- The situation won't get better, it will only lead to a progressively worse situation that may be potentially life-threatening.
It is understandable that from your personal involvement & risking your life in a couple's domestic disputes Fr_Chuck, that you do not want her to go down the same path.

One point though - I just don't agree that it is the person's fault if they are physically abused by their partner.

Statistically, many women stay in an abusive relationship because they have been threatened by their partner that they will be harmed if they leave them, their partner may insist that they will never abuse them again or they may have been exposed to abuse since they were a child. They often have diminished self worth/esteem as a result of prolonged verbal/emotional/physical abuse that leaves them in a state of fear, intimidation, confusion and uncertainity as to how to effectively deal with the situation that no woman should ever have to go through.

Saravjd, please see a counsellor/family member/friends to provide you with ongoing support & help you to move out of that situation. It's important for you to be treated with unconditional love & respect. Abuse is never the victim's fault, we all make decisions in life that can lead us to situations that we didn't expect to find ourselves in. The main priority is to move yourself away from this person that is mistreating you, complete no contact, you deserve so much more than the way he is treating you. : )

Yes, but OP hasn't said anything about him threatening her if she were to leave...

So leave.

If you stay, it may get worse. The fact that he gives you that extra push with his foot shows that he knows he is doing wrong. Then he justifies it by telling you he pushed, not hit? Wow.

I would LOVE to know why his ex is an ex.

Something tells me he treated her badly.

So yes, I agree with Chuck. Stay, and it's your fault.

[Yogapple]

Yes, but OP hasn't said anything about him threatening her if she were to leave...

So leave.

If you stay, it may get worse. The fact that he gives you that extra push with his foot shows that he knows he is doing wrong. Then he justifies it by telling you he pushed, not hit? Wow.

I would LOVE to know why his ex is an ex.

Something tells me he treated her badly.

So yes, I agree with Chuck. Stay, and it's your fault.

Yes Enigma, it is advisable to leave the abusive situation.

But, under no circumstances is it a woman's fault for being in an abusive situation. That is deeply offensive to women because it implies that women are guilty for being abused and that is inconsistent with human rights legislation.

According to >> http://www.4woman.org/faq/violence.htm

"Q. Is domestic violence by a husband or boyfriend the woman's fault?

A. Abuse is not the woman's fault. Causes for violence are many, but the blame certainly does not lie on the shoulders of the woman being abused. Often, substance abuse is involved with domestic violence. Over half of the defendants accused of murdering their spouses and almost half of the victims of spousal murders were drinking alcohol at the time of the offense.

IDENTIFIED ROOT CAUSES OF VIOLENCE
Root Causes of Domestic Violence
Power and control
Growing up in a cycle of violence and abuse
Distorted concept of manhood
Root Causes of Violence
Poverty and unemployment
Underemployment and economic disequilibrium
Lack of housing and displacement
Circumstances of racism and injustice
Alcohol and substance abuse
Hopelessness and despair"

[Enigma1999]

Look I am not going to debate about this with you... I gave OP my advice. She can either take it or leave it.

She is not married to the man nor does she have children with him. To my understanding he has not threatened her life if she leaves, also she has a place to go if she does leave. If anything it seems as if he wants her to leave.

If he won't get help for his anger issues, and lets face it, it sounds like he does, and he continues to do this, then yes, it is her fault.

I would just hate to see you (op) come back on here to say that he punched you in the jaw. Or even worse.

Again, I am curious as to why he got divorced?

[Enigma1999]

Just out of curiosity, why doesn't his exwife want him to see the children? There has to be a reason...

[saravjd]

Right all your oppions are very valid. But you are making very one side comments and to the extreme nothing is black or white. I am grateful for every ones comments, the reason I posted was to see others thoughts and make an informed descion. I am not asking any one to rescure me I am a grown women and can do tha myself. If I stay and it get worst then to be I deserve to share the blame as I have stayed. We all get frustrated and when people ask for advice and don't follow it. But all one can do is to give advice and let people make their own choices. Just as I am. I am gratefull for the time and imput as it does help make a informed descion but no need for this to become a debate, we all see thinks differently. Making broad statements such what he did to his ex. I actually no his ex and how she was and is with him now and to be honest she wasn't as innocent as you assume to be she worst if anything. My partner or ex - is wrong for what he did I have not said he is not, yes saying what he said is unacceptable and I said that in all my post I have written. I just wanted to some of peoples thoughts. I do beieve you can help people if they are willing and you catch it early, but obviously if he doesn't want help or acknowledge truly what he did was wrong and stop being so impulisve and emotional you can't do much. But these are areas that need to explore which regardles sif I stay with him or not I will bring up. Labelling people is a very tricky thing in this day and age in the job I do which is public service also you do see things that you say you will never put yourself in those situation but you don't no until you are. I am not defening or denying or excusing his behaviour I am not thoughtless drone who can not make her own choices. I just wanted to make a well htought one. Hence hearing from all of you. BUt as I said before thank you and no need to be debating we should just be listening and trying to understand where each of you are coming from and taking it on board. Thanks again

[saravjd]

He left his wife because she cheated on him and stole the money from their children's bank account and his joint one that paid the mortgage. She also said she never loved him and used him to get a house and children. She has her reasons but they do not concern me, more fool him for not realising. His children are very very young. She doesn't want him seeing them because he is with me. She said she will only let him seem them if he is single and he does not allow any one but his mum and dad and sibilings to be in the children's presneces. But she does want me to help pay towards them. Like I siad nothing is black or white. He was not perfect in his relationship to her and nore th so he has to choose either be with me or his children hence I tend to work long hrs or night shift so he can see his children regualy. But he is not perfect and was not in their relationship butneither myself and her are perfect and people do things for their own reasons. Is only way I can put it. . It is a very complicated situation and messed and one could say slighty disfunctional if honest. But I do love him and he loves me. But love isn't always enough so I will make a clear descion but again thank you. Also he has actually never done what he has done before I was the first and hopefully the last with some help. I no his telling the truth as I saw his ex abuse him in public and he did nothing and she would use it in court if she could. Its just unfortunate its had to happen at all. Any way I'm rambling thank you very much all

[Enigma1999]

He left his wife because she cheated on him and stole the money from their childrens bank account and his joint one that paid the mortgage. She also said she never loved him and used him to get a house and children. she has her reasons but they do not concern me, more fool him for not realising. His children are very very young. She doesnt want him seeing them because he is with me. She said she will only let him seem them if he is single and he does not allow any one but his mum and dad and sibilings to be in the childrens presneces. But she does want me to help pay towards them. Like i siad nothing is black or white. he was not perfect in his relationship to her and nore th so he has to choose either be with me or his children hence i tend to work long hrs or night shift so he can see his children regualy. But he is not perfect and was not in their relationship butneither myself and her are perfect and people do things for their own reasons. is only way i can put it. . It is a very complicated situation and messed and one could say slighty disfunctional if honest. but i do love him and he loves me. but love isnt always enough so i will make a clear descion but again thank you. Also he has actually never done what he has done before i was the first and hopefully the last with some help. I no his telling the truth as i saw his ex abuse him in public and he did nothing and she would use it in court if she could. its just unfortunate its had to happen at all. Any way im rambling thank you very much all

You seem level headed and I am pretty sure you will figure this out.

I asked about the ex because I wanted to see if he had an abusive with her...

I am sure you live him or else you wouldn't be asking. You are right though... sometimes love isn't enough.

[saravjd]

Thank
Im not a cynic or a person whose heads in the clouds, I'm a realist.
I would hope and love it if this all got sorted out as I do want a future with him.
But life isn't always what you want and just have to do what's right and maybe being him won't be. And I will have to leave but no it would be for the best if I did.
Noits fair question to ask
These forums are so help for, but some times they are misleading , as you don't no all the factors and only getting one side, so it make sense to ask more questions to get a better understanding.
Thank you though for taking the time
X

[Yogapple]

I hope all goes well for you Saravjd, I believe you're an intelligent, resilient strong woman that does have the courage to leave the situation.

Here's a great article on how for abused women, leaving is a complex and confusing process:
For Abused Women, Leaving Is A Complex And Confusing Process

Much love xo

[saravjd]

Thank you very much , same to you xx

[odinn7]

My sister put up with that... then it became hitting, then punching, then smashing things on her. After years of this, she finally left when he smashed her head into the toilet bowl so hard that the toilet broke.

What is happening to you is abuse. Plain and simple.