[hopefullylater]

I've been dating my boyfriend for two and a half years, and I met his parents a few weeks ago. His dad seemed OK with me, while his mom barely spoke to me. She doesn't really talk much anyway, but she seriously didn't say a word to me apart from hi. I eventually found out she says mean things about me behind my back, but always seems polite when I'm around. She judges me a lot for trivial things, like my taste in food. I come from a family that values education and politeness a lot, and his dad even praised me about these things. His mom, however, seems to disregard all of my good traits. Instead, she always tries to find something bad to say about me... Which is hard considering I'm always very polite and she barely knows me. My boyfriend and I are considering getting married, and his family already knows. Perhaps his mom thinks I'm trying to take him away from her? Whenever I ask him about it he says she doesn't hate me. I realize it's awkward for him and he doesn't want to admit it cause he's afraid I'll dislike her back. How do I deal with her? I want to avoid conflict and I respect the woman that raised my boyfriend, but it bugs me how unfair she is. Why is she mean like this, and is there anything I can do about it?

[Fr_Chuck]

You can 1. ignore it and hope it stops, 2. you can tell your boyfriend to deal with it , since it is his mother. 3. or you can stop being polite and call her on the things she is saying and ask her why she wants to lie about you to others. ( makes a great family meal)

It will not get better, perhaps the fact you dated for over 2 years before meeting them, would be one large issue, But make sure boyfriend is on the same game plan, since most likely this will go bad, and it may be no visiting or worst talk, so is he ready for it

[joypulv]

Some mothers are just plain possessive of their sons. Some fathers of their daughters.
Try this sometime at dinner: raise a glass to his parents and say, "I love you for the simple fact that you raised the man I love, and you did a wonderful job."

But when push comes to shove, stand up to her when she is petty or critical. Try to do it in an offhand way, without rancor, maybe even a little joke, or just say "each to their own." It isn't easy.

[dontknownuthin]

How old are you? I know that long-term girlfriends can make some moms nervous when the sons are too young - for sex, for being tied to one girl, for considering someone else in their key decisions like college and career. It's not who the girl is in these situations, just the fact that the son is not just focused on getting his own life started without a girlfriend at that time in life.

If you are in your mid twenties or older, she might just not like you. Is there another past girlfriend she liked a lot and would like him to go back to? Did she have visions of him marrying someone with some key trait that's different from yours - race, religion or whatever? Have there been big issues between you and your boyfriend - breakups, arguments, money problems? Has he made any decisions his parents disagree with since you've been dating him that they might blame on you - dropping out of college, for example, or moving in with you?

It's hard to know why she's acting the way she is, and that makes it hard to know what you can do in response. I would always take the high road though. If any confronting has to be done, your boyfriend needs to do it in a respectful but firm way such as, "I see that you don't approve of Mary but I need you to be courteous and respectful of her, and not to say negative things about her. Give me the chance to choose the right girl for myself so it doesn't become an issue between us. You can express your concerns to me once, but then leave it to me to make my own decision - that's what I need from you." If he can't find his backbone or Mom can't respect him, you have to decide whether to be part of a family with this drama as part of it.