[Hawkfeathers]

I found this site by searching this topic. I'm 55, divorced for many years, and a very happy solitary, self-sufficient person. Once in a while I decide to try & meet a man who will be an equal partner. The most recent one was a widower of about 3 years. OMG. He never stopped talking about her... I mean, it was one thing, when we first met, to tell each other our past, etc. but every single day he had some story about her. He would tell me he loved me, etc. and we talked about marriage, etc. but then he rather unceremoniously dumped me. He said he felt I "didn't trust him". She let him make all kinds of decisions for her, and that's his idea of trust. (CONTROL!! ) There were other issues, too, but this was the worst. Even during the break-up he said "I had the perfect relationship, but she died." What kind of thing is that to say to someone who loves you, when you are leaving them?? I guess that during the whole thing I was trying to be sympathetic & understanding, but now that a little time has gone by I see things very clearly.
SO my question is, Has anyone here ever had a relationship with a widower that DID NOT involve the sanctification of the departed? (Right now, I want to cross them off my dating list just like smokers or various other "deal-breakers". )

[Wondergirl]

You might want to "try" a few divorced guys and see how that goes.

I remember the widowed man I used to clean house for while I was in college. He had closed up the master bedroom after his wife died and had moved into a smaller bedroom to sleep. One day he shyly showed me that master bedroom -- the bed still was unmade and had her body's imprint on it (thank goodness, there was no blood), all her clothes were still in drawers and in the closet, and even her hairbrush full of her hair was still on the dressing table. He couldn't stop crying as we stood there. Oh, and she had died ten years before.

I crossed widowers off my list of potential dates.

[Hawkfeathers]

I've been divorced since the 80's, and most men I've met were divorced. This guy's late wife had been his 3rd. His feelings towards the divorced ones were normal. But the more I hear about widowers the less open I am to meeting another one. ( Yours had a serious shrine going... wow!)

[Fr_Chuck]

There is just a general issue of finding a partner latter in life. Many have a lot of past and each bring theirs into it.

[Hawkfeathers]

Yes, we all have our past experiences, but I believe in using mine to deepen the present, not detract from it. I'm eternally grateful that I appreciate solitude and don't confuse it with loneliness, or I'd be in big trouble! I am never going to settle for someone who doesn't put me and our relationship first. Some people go through the death of a spouse and know they will never be with anyone again -and that's fine! But it is so wrong to mislead someone. I guess I feel that he wasted my precious time. I know a few people who married widowers and all have the same issues. I hate having to narrow my list of requirements even further, but I think I must. No way am I willing to go through this again.