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wontbez · Mar 5, 2007, 11:44 PM

Entire story merged

I'm 24 years old never married and had only a few relationships. I moved to Las Vegas almost 2 years ago on a pipe dream to be a professional poker player leaving behind my house, job and moved to a place where I didn't know anybody and had no family (I question this decision everyday).

I knew (we'll call him joe) from online poker, it happened that him and his family (wife and 3 kids) also had just moved here. Joe is a very successful business person, he makes a lot of money and their lifestyle reflects it. Joe and his wife have separate bank accounts and she takes care of all the bills, she receives at least 10k a month for bills and allowance for her and kids. Joe and I became "friends" I actually ended up working for him for a little while, and I would help him out running the kids around and doing things for him. I would frequently be at his hose playing with kids watching TV basically hanging out and in the process I became very close to his family, this went on for a little over a year.

One weekend back in September his wife called me (I'll call her Jane), Jane said that Joe was going away for the weekend and was taking the kids with him and asked if I would come "babysit" her. I had become very close to the family at this point and knew that Jane was very unhappy with her marriage at least from what Joe told me. While Joe was very successful in business he was a horrible father and even worse husband, paying little attention to his family, most nights he would sit in front of a computer down stairs playing poker while the rest of us were upstairs having fun. Knowing this I suspected that she was probably feeling very lonely and while I said I would come over I made sure to call Joe to let him know that I would be over with Jane.

Joe's response when I told him about Jane calling me wasn't what I was hoping for, he told me she's probably looking to get laid and that he doesn't care what happens. I told Joe he didn't have anything to worry about to which he replied "I don't care anyway"

I meant what I said but all the things Joe had been telling me about Jane I started to doubt and instead started to see Joe for who he really was. I went over to Jane's house and she told me that Joe hand sent her an email the night before he left (so while he was still there he sends her an email) that said that I called him and she's "allowed" to go get laid by anyone as long as its not someone he works with meaning me, he then went on in this email to say that while I'm an OK kid he just needed someone to run errands and to talk poker with and he didn't consider me a friend. He also went on to say that the thought of her and I sleeping together was disgusting blah blah blah. After reading this email my entire thought process changed.

Jane and I went out that night and had a great time, I had been around her for a year, so we already knew a lot about each other but our conversations became more personal and I became deeply attracted to her. While we were out I began to touch her, placing my arm around her waist and rubbing her back at one point I felt her quiver and she said that no ones touched her like that in a long time.

That night nothing happened, I slept on the couch downstairs and she slept in her bed, the next day however the affair started. We went out again but this time on the car ride back home she started kissing me very heavy and I was very weak at that moment, and it happened.

Joe never found out and during the next month Jane and I slept together all the time, we told each other how much we loved each other, how I made her more happy then she's ever been that it's the best sex she ever had, that she wanted to leave Joe for me and more. The next month Joe took a new Job in Texas, I have family in Texas so I decided that I would move too, the only catch was Joe was moving right away but Jane and the kids were going to stay until the school year was over this June. Since my lease was up on my apartment and I wanted to get closer to Jane I asked her if I could move in until we moved, she eventually said yes but that she was afraid that we might get too close, this is where it starts going down hill.

For the next couple of months I fell more in love with Jane, I wanted to be with her for ever, we were already living together sleeping in the same bed every night, the oldest girl (16 year old) child knew about the affair the 2 younger ones (10 year old boy and 12 year old girl) did not. I loved the kids and understood that I could never replace her father and Joe would always be a part of their lives. What I didn't expect was Jane's lack of commitment, she would not let go of Joe. I think this mainly had to do with money because she would always talk about losing everything and I certainly did not make enough for what she was used to. During this time Joe did not know what was going on, she would never tell him.

The first time Joe came home for a visit and they slept together, I cried like a baby it was the most painful thing I ever had to deal with, Him and Her in the same bed while I was sleeping on the sleeper couch (this is where Joe thought I slept all the time). Every time he was around I took a backseat and everything stooped, it hurt so bad that even thinking and writing this is making my stomach curl, I can't describe how painful this felt. During this period after Joe left from his visits, we would always makeup and the pain would go away, but that's when the arguments would start, Jane said she needed time and she needed to get her ducks in a row before leaving even though it had been months.

I finally couldn't take the pain and the fighting anymore, I still loved Jane more then anything but I didn't feel like I could take the pain anymore because I might end up doing something that would end it (happened anyway) so I moved out, we were still going to see each other, but slow down and almost start over. What I didn't realize was that just because I wasn't living with her didn't mean the pain would stop. The first week I moved out I wanted to give her some space so I didn't call or text her (we would text 40 times a day) ignoring her and not calling her that week besides being very difficult was probably a mistake because by the end of the week she sent me some texts that said things from "why won't you talk to me I need you" to "I guess this is goodbye, you've given me so much I can never repay you, I will always love you" and also " you and your game"

The Saturday after I moved out (5 days) we finally talked and had an argument about my ignoring her but we both really wanted to see each other very bad. She was going to come see me and I was sooo excited to be seeing her again, I can't tell you how much I wanted to see her but when Joe made a surprise visit and made plans to take her out I lost it. I told Jane to tell Joe how she felt or I would.

She told Joe that I fell in love with her and that she threw me out. She basically played the victim and blamed me for everything, Joe as it turns out had her cell phone records and was going to ask her about all the talking anyway.

Joe sent me a very nasty email cursing me out, telling me never to talk to anyone in his family again etc...

I saw Jane that Monday to give her back keys and garage opener and she brought my mail etc... we talked for a few hours while her daughter was at dance, she wouldn't let me touch her, I was in so much pain, I felt betrayed but yet at the same time still so much in love with her, it hurts so much!!

Later that week Joe found an email in Jane's account that let him know that Jane and I had in fact slept together, and Joe sent out another email saying F*** Jane and me that I saved him 100k a year and gave him custody blah blah.

I talked to Jane after that email Joe sent and she said she never wanted to talk to me again, that I ruined her life and that I hope I was happy. She said she's still moving to Texas so her kids can be close to their father, and she's going to work on fixing the relationship with her husband if there's anything to be fixed. This all happened several weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about her. I truly loved her with everything I had. I came to the conclusion that I'm not responsible for what happens to her now that I didn't hold a gun to her head and force her to do anything, but I can't stop thinking about her.

How can someone treat love like this?
How can someone play with another persons heart like it's a toy, saying that what to be with them but then stab them in the back?
Was she just trying to have her cake and eat it to?
I want to call and talk to her so bad, I should probably feel angry but I guess I still love her, I know just because I love her doesn't mean she feels the same way.

I just don't understand how someone can do this to another person, and I can't understand why I feel so much pain and miss her so much when I think about her?
The thoughts of her are going away little by little, I am keeping myself busy, I work full time and volunteer for the red cross where I see people that lose everything in a fire and make my problems insignificant, but every time something reminds me of her It hurts so deep. I just found a bunch of pictures her kids had put on my computer while I was living there (none of me) and seeing her brought out so much sadness in me, which is why I'm writing this. I feel so alone when I think about her, I can't think of the times we had as happy, I think of them and times I'll never have again.

I just want to know why?

kp2171 · Mar 5, 2007, 11:58 PM

However poorly committed she was to the marriage and however unhappy things were apparently on both sides, she's made a choice.

Having kids is a big deal. If she decides that its best to be near the father for the kids (and I agree when its possible) that's her choice.

Seeking out help for a bad marriage is a responsible thing to do.

Look... EVERYBODY is at fault here, and you not going to get a lot of compassion from me. She was married. You chose to cross some lines.

There are no guarantees ever, whether the person is married or not. When they are married with kids, its even harder.

Was she in the right? Probably not. Some might say maybe. Was she being treated well by her husband? no.

But most of us has lost a big love in our life. It sucks. It hurts. You put one foot in front of the other. The past is the past.

She's gone. You need to know that, believe it. Move on. You are keeping yourself emotionally tied. I know, its hard to move on.

Learn from your lesson. You got caught up in a bad situation. You know it was a bad idea. You kept going back. Your bad choices.

Don't make them again. Find a better love. There is much better out there.

chuff · Mar 9, 2007, 12:24 AM

A couple things jumped out at me. You stated that before this woman you didn't have much experience with women and your still reatively young so young so you don't have life experience to fall back on. The woman you dealt with was very emotionally smart and calculating. I can tell you just from reading what you wrote that you weren't the first affair she's had. You might have been the first that got caught but she's cheated on her husband from the beginning. She told you all the right things to keep you right where she needed you. You just happened to be young and easily controlable through your emotions because you're an emotional guy combined with a lack of experience and he excitement of an older experienced woman. When I was 20 I dated a woman that was much older than me and I thought I was one cloud nine to pull in a older woman. I'm sure she thought the same about pulling in a younger guy. But yours was married and she's never giving that up, and it's certain she's not when kids are involved.

talaniman · Mar 9, 2007, 04:43 PM

She was doing what she had to do to keep her home, kids, and husband, and you on the side. You walked in not knowing a thing, and got caught up in their game. I hope you learned about how people operate, and paying the price for not having boundaries. Chalk it up as a good learning experience.

Ash123 · Mar 9, 2007, 05:06 PM

She was weak.

You were weak.

But that's the human condiition.

AND it is a country mile between hooking up with a married woman and being in a committed relationship. 9 out of 10 relationships that start with deceit will end in deceit and pain. Your gambling side got the best of you - and to use a poker metaphor: sometimes when you push "ALL IN" you may not have the best hand. But you should put the odds at least as best in your favor as you can! (And you didn't quite do that here.)

Sorry man. We're all human and I know it hurts.

Be glad it didn't end a lot worse... It could have!

Go try a safe relationship next time and wait until you have a straight flush or the equivalent.

wontbez · Mar 9, 2007, 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by Ash123

She was weak.

You were weak.

But that's the human condiition.

AND it is a country mile between hooking up with a married woman and being in a commited relationship. 9 out of 10 relationships that start out with deceit will end in deceit and pain. Your gambling side got the best of you - and to use a poker metaphor: sometimes when you push "ALL IN" you may not have the best hand. But you should put the odds at least as best in your favor as you can! (And you didn't quite do that here.)

Sorry man. We're all human and I know it hurts.

Be glad it didn't end a lot worse....It could have!

Go try a safe relationship next time and wait til you have a straight flush or the equivalent.

Thanks everyone! I feel a lot better, the other night was pretty rough for me. It's amazing how hearing from people you've never met before who share their thoughts can change your outlook on things, Thanks!!

wontbez · Mar 15, 2007, 09:32 AM

The relationship I was in (you can read about it in my other question) ended a month and a half ago, I'm really trying to move on, I'm not contacting her although I think about doing that all the time, I'm keeping myself busy working and working for the Red Cross and most of the pain I've been feeling has passed although memories still come up in my head and for a while it still hurts. But now I can't seem to stop thinking about what's going on in her head, does she feel bad? Is she mad? What was her reasoning for what she did?

I know thinking about these things is pointless because I'm probably never going to get the answers I'm looking for, I was just wondering if anyone else is having the same problems or anyone that has some tips for getting those thoughts out of your head?

Jiser · Mar 15, 2007, 10:07 AM

Hey, just over a month for me to. Hurts all the time, people will think your over it and you won't be.

I find concentrating on things like the sports I do, friends, films, sports and gym, holidays, reading etc helps. Before I know it I am not thinking of my ex anymore and it's the weirdiest feeling as I think about it again, its like WOW no thinking of the ex for a number of minutes.

Over time though it will get better and better and before you know it - you will be only thinking of it once a day and then once a week etc...

TarynAlane · Mar 15, 2007, 11:07 AM

Originally Posted by wontbez

The relationship I was in (you can read about it in my other question) ended a month and a half ago, I'm really trying to move on, I'm not contacting her although I think about doing that all the time, I'm keeping myself busy working and working for the Red Cross and most of the pain I've been feeling has passed although memories still come up in my head and for a while it still hurts. But now I can't seem to stop thinking about what's going on in her head, does she feel bad? Is she mad? What was her reasoning for what she did?

I know thinking about these things is pointless because I'm probably never going to get the answers I'm looking for, I was just wondering if anyone else is having the same problems or anyone that has some tips for getting those thoughts out of your head?

I am going through the same thing and it is hard because as busy as you stay you still get those memories of when everything was perfect... my question for you being that I have not read your other questions is what caused the breakup..

talaniman · Mar 15, 2007, 02:32 PM

You got played by older more experienced people and no doubt you were not the first so now you know those kind of users and abusers exist, watch yourself a lot better. You will never get answers from these kinds of people, so let time heal the hurt and make you that much wiser.

chuff · Mar 15, 2007, 03:36 PM

The truth is users and cheaters never care. They only care about themselves and that is evident with the skank, and make no mistake, she was a skank that you hooked up with. She used you. I've been used to and I know it sucks but the first thing you have to do is accept it. Pretending otherwise only prolongs the pain and it starts you on a bad path of lying to yourself for her actions.

wontbez · Mar 17, 2007, 10:28 PM

Since my breakup the evenings have been pretty rough, we used to be together all the time, now the evenings are very lonely, I hang out with friends and am busy during the day but the evenings are when we used to read together or talk about things and I guess I’m missing that. Any tips to get past it or is it something I’ll just have to deal with until I find the right person?

JoeCanada76 · Mar 17, 2007, 10:31 PM

Why not do something that you like in the evenings. For example: sign up for a study course, get into some martial arts. Or just sign up in a gym and do some work outs. There are so many different things you can also do with yourself in the evenings.

Watching television, spending time on the internet. Get some new interesting books that will keep you reading.

Joe

Lowtax4eva · Mar 17, 2007, 10:35 PM

Yeah, finding a new hobby or activity is a great way to get your mind off the fact that your evenings won't be the same anymore, try planning a party with friends on a night where you and your significant other usually spent the night together, like is Saturday night was always "your night" make plans to have friends over late the next few saturdays.

wontbez · Mar 17, 2007, 10:46 PM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Why not do something that you like in the evenings. For example: sign up for a study course, get into some martial arts. Or just sign up in a gym and do some work outs. There are so many different things you can also do with yourself in the evenings.

Watching television, spending time on the internet. Get some new interesting books that will keep you reading.

Joe

I actually have a gym membership that I've only used a couple of times, maybe I'll start doing that. I gues doing things by myself is what's so tough right now.

wontbez · Mar 17, 2007, 11:03 PM

I imagine this is a lot like trying to quit smoking; I’ll get these strong cravings to contact my ex when I know I shouldn’t even be thinking about her. I try to convince myself that she’s feeling the same way I am and picture her sitting by the phone waiting for me to call when in fact I’m probably the last thing on her mind. Anyone else having to deal with this or any advice?

JoeCanada76 · Mar 17, 2007, 11:18 PM

Honestly, you think she is waiting by the phone. When most likely she is already hanging out with somebody else. You need to stop picturing her doing the same thing as you because that is you thinking and hoping there is a chanch of going back together. The only advice which you have already received is keep yourself busy. Do things that improve on yourself and eventually things will get easier.

sypher373 · Mar 17, 2007, 11:35 PM

Joe may disagree with me here,

But even if she is out hanging out with someone else, I don't think that means you need to assume she isn't thinking about you. Im sure it is just as hard for her as it is for you, though that doesn't mean you should build false hopes. I think that knowing its hard for her will make it easier for you to cope with how hard it is for you.

Trust me, the easiest thing to do is NOT always the right thing to do. In this case, just be strong, do something else. The urge will pass, trust me. Ive been there, if you can keep busy for just long enough, the urge will go away... until next time. Then just repeat

Good luck man

sypher373 · Mar 17, 2007, 11:37 PM

wontbez,

Im not sure how big into music you are, but I know music was a huge part of my life. Dealing with the same stuff you are now, I found the gym to be a HUGE help. Along with the gym, its nice to have some good music to listen to.

Im sure music is a bigger deal to me than most, but it may help. Give it a shot. Its not always easy to be with other people when you feel like you just want to be alone. When I get like that, some good music and a nice workout not only help keep you busy, it will help you feel better about yourself, and help you sleep at night, if that's a tough time for you (I know it is for me).

Hope this helps a little

wontbez · Mar 18, 2007, 12:53 AM

Originally Posted by sypher373

wontbez,

Im not sure how big into music you are, but I know music was a huge part of my life. Dealing with the same stuff you are now, I found the gym to be a HUGE help. Along with the gym, its nice to have some good music to listen to.

Im sure music is a bigger deal to me than most, but it may help. Give it a shot. Its not always easy to be with other people when you feel like you just want to be alone. When i get like that, some good music and a nice workout not only help keep you busy, it will help you feel better about yourself, and help you sleep at night, if thats a tough time for you (i know it is for me).

Hope this helps a little

It does, thanks!