Check out some similar questions!

Bggipantsboi · Feb 18, 2007, 03:38 PM

So, here is my question. I was with this girl for six months, kind of a rather short lived relationship, but I felt that we got along together really well when we were together. She wasa younger, 22, and I am 30. She is a senior in college, and I am emplpoyed with the same job for 8 years. We broke up about 8 months ago, and she wanted to be friends from the get go, and even wanted to keep in touch a lot, and talk more often when things slowed down for her. I could not do it, because it was tearing me up, so I implemented the no contact thing, and told her I didn't want to be friends. She has sytematically contacted me once a month or every two months, via e-mail or instant message, never returning any of my calls, of which there were only four spaced out after the break up. When we started e-mailing again, she would not respond very promptly, and then kind of leave me hanging, which is why the relationship ended in the first place... I was just kind of left hanging and unfulfilled a lot, so I ended it, and it really hurt me. Each time she contacted me, I felt like it set me back and it was like starting the healing process all over again. I wrote her an e-mail detailing how much it hurt me, and how much I still thought about her, and in order for me to move on, I did not want to be friends. After all this time, she just called me out of the blue, and wanted to be friends again. I have since agreed to being just friends, because I was missing her terribly. She insists that we can not be anything else, as we are just at different place in our lives, and that the relationship clearly wasn't working if we broke up. She knows I want more from her, and still wants to be friends, and I told her that she was going to have to understand my feelings, and be okay with it if I got upset sometimes, and she seemed to be okay with that, and that we should proceed to just talk on the phone occasionally. I was kind of mean in some instances, during the 8 months, because it really hurt me, I cared a lot for her, and I was her last priority, and kind of got emotionally screwed over, and when it was time for me to have my needs met, she just didn't have the time or energy to do it. I care deeply about her, and really liked her. I guess my question is, she doesn't seem to want to let me go totally, but I want more. Do you guys think that sometimes when exes contact you, do they sometimes want to get back together, but just have a kind of, emotional shield up so-to-speak, and over time, that shield will drop and with enough time, caring, and being nice, they will come around? I am still trying to be friends with here, as of about a week ago, but I think about her a lot. I am meeting other people, and seeing a therapist to try to work out some of my own baggage. I am not going to date someone just to date them, but if the right person came along along the way, I would not stop myself. How do I find out if she really doesn't want anything more with me, or if she still misses me, and just things have to kind of slowly progress into something more? Do I just wait, and ask her to dinner after some time has elapsed, Most of my friends tell me to just let things come as they may, but I am having a hard time of it. She has been really good as of late about returning my phone calls, and e-mails, and seems to be treating my feelings with some concern, and it is definitely an improvement over how she was before, but I just don't know.. Does anyone have a crystal ball? Lol

talaniman · Feb 18, 2007, 07:51 PM

No crystal ball here, but a question. Why would you hold out hope for something she has told you will never happen? Why do you suppress your feelings and settle for the crumbs she throws at you and you know you want more? The bad part is she knows you want more but she keeps you hanging in with false hope for what? Friendship? Why do you accept this, as this is so unhealthy. When you make up your mind to be treated as a second, or get a healthier out look, come back and you may get some honest advice from people who have walked in your shoes. Until then you have a decision to make about what you really want to do.

talaniman · Feb 18, 2007, 08:30 PM

you're spot on... I guess I've tried to talk away a few times... but... I get so confused with why she messages me...

The best way to keep someone hanging on is to keep talking to them. Why? Doesn't matter as the results are you get hurt, and she knows you care but she doesn't. That's why the only thing to do is make up your mind what YOU want. Personally I would leave her completely alone and be very unavailable while I got over her, and could be healthy enough to move on and get a life that I could enjoy without her. Since you don't have the courage to tell her the truth then just disappear from her life and don't return her calls. Whatever her agenda is its hers and really not your problem so don't think about it. Think about taking care of you first.

4answers · Feb 21, 2007, 05:26 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Whatever her agenda is its hers and really not your problem so don't think about it. Think about taking care of you first.

Very true. In a relationship there is I Her and Us(couple). A relationship needs both people thinking / considering US. If either party is thinking of I then they have their own agenda which is not involved with US.

As soon as someone stops trying at the US, then love cannot be saved.

It really hurts if you are at the US stage and she is at the I stage. I cannot work unless she is at the US stage and is thinking of what is best for you two as a couple and not what is best for her.

In this instance she is at the I stage, of course she still wants you in her life, we all want to be wanted. But she is not wanting you in the same way that you want her !

So who gets hurt... Not her !

As for changing her mind back to the US stage... Not sure if this is possible

rondom1 · Jun 25, 2007, 02:32 AM

Hoping for something that has been said won't come brings heartache so stop hoping just be a really good friend and if she wants more she will tell you

Also don't keep hurting yourself with a person that obviously doesn't care about your feelings and wishes

Jiser · Jun 25, 2007, 02:45 AM

She's the reason for your pain. Remove the reason with no contact. There's a big age difference here! Go find someone else who's more suitable.

Talis advise was spot on. Take it!

Shaunta · Jun 25, 2007, 06:20 AM

She Still Cares About You... when You Told Her You Didn't Want To Be Friends With Her She Didn't Really Mind It But Then She Seen You Were Serious So That's When She Called You And Asked You To Still Be Friends With Her... that Must Have Bothered Her A Little Bit... but As Long As She Knows That Your Waiting For Her To Come Around She's Going To Take Her Time Because She Knows You Will Always Be There For Her...