[nsane]

I was married and had 2 beautiful girls, we were broke but happy for a while our marriage broke up and I met someone else who I now have 2 little boys to. We own our own home and the 6 of us live together but I am not the same parent I was to the girls. I guess I should also mention that I have sciatica, a very painful condition I have lived with since I was 4 months pregnant with my last child. I think that is important to know as I feel it has had a massive impact on my personality and the way I feel towards my kids. I love my children, I don't want any harm to come their way... but I really can't stand the boys most of the time. They are 3 and 2 and they are very active and vocal and throw tantrums... stuff I never had to deal with because my girls were so good and still are. My partner is an inexperienced father and he is at work most of the time. The kids see him mondays and tues, the rest of the week he gets home after they are in bed. Im tired, I'm scared I'm going to explode with anger... I just want them to shut up for 10 minutes. I can't talk to my mum as her advice would be 'just deal with them' or you are not strict enough. I don't want to hit them or constantly yell at them. I know none of this is there fault... I don't think a day goes by that I don't wish I would just die. Im on a waiting list for an operation on my back. I will have 2 pins inserted and my disc fused. I pray and hope I will be able to get around like I used to. At the moment I can't walk around the block. Please someone give me some good coping skills if you know of any. Thank you

[Bluerose]

nsane,

I'm sorry you are feeling so crappy. You seem a bit depressed have you talked to your doctor? If I may point something out...

A child's demure seems to come from the parent caring for them. I take it you were a lot happier when you had the girls?

Then things began to get a bit tough, then you had the two boys, and then you were left with this unfortunate illness, and are also probably worried about the operation.

Your boys are not bad, they are simply reacting to you and your state of mind since you had them.

I don't mean any offence, just think it's true.

A happy mother has a happy child...

You do the maths. Work on yourself and the boys will eventually settle down.

[nsane]

In response to bluerose: I asked for coping skills... and as for seeming a bit depressed, you think!! I didn't write my personal feelings to be made to feel like a worse parent than I already feel, thanks to adding to my guilt.

[Bluerose]

That was not my intention. Sorry I was unable to help.

[AKaeTrue]

nsane,
First, I'm sorry this is so long.
Have you tried distracting your children with coloring books, games, songs, toys, etc when they seem to be having fits? Sometimes that worked with mine... It's just a thought, but I do have a coping skill to suggest for you. It is the one I used to pull me out of a depression and I still use it everyday. This coping skill was not an easy one to accomplish, in fact, it was the hardest. After all the "easy way outs" left me at dead ends, I finally made an effort to try this.

At first, I thought it was hogwash, until it really worked. It took many efforts and many tries for it to start sinking in, but it has now become a way of life.
If you will transform your mind to think positive thoughts, it will transform your life positively.
If you are anything like me, you may have dug a deep river of negativity. It's going to take strong will to change it too. That river wasn't formed overnight, nor will it be redirected without some conscious, strenuous effort on your part. You will have to make quality decisions every day, choosing to think good thoughts and rejecting the bad ones. Look for the good in every "bad" situation (the good is in there somewhere).
Our thoughts contain tremendous power over our lives and our well being. When you think of positive thoughts, they will ultimately lead you to happiness. When ever negative thoughts or bad feelings start coming about, you must stop, focus, find something good, and change your thoughts.
It's hard... boy is it hard, but in the end, you will be the one in control of your mood... your joy... your peace of mind.

You'll first start forgetting that you're suppose to be thinking positive thoughts and remember only after the fact.
Then you'll think negatively but remind yourself that you are only suppose to be thinking positively.
Then you catch yourself right before thinking negatively and change it immediately to a positive thought.
Then positive thoughts start filling your mind instead of the negative ones.

No, it's not fool proof... Negative thoughts are always going to try to find a way in; however, you choose whether to keep them or cast them out.
It just gets easier to cast them out as you progress in your positivity.

I can't tell you how much this has changed my life. I still go coo-coo from time to time, I'm human... And when I find myself struggling to focus on the good, I come here for support, or to offer advice to others - which makes me feel good also.
I fill a negative void with something positive.
When my children are demanding a lot of my attention and the laundry and dishes are piling up, instead of thinking "I wish they'd leave me alone for a little while so I can get the laundry and dishes done" (which I was guilty of thinking in the past), I choose now to think " I must be a pretty good mom for my children to want to be with me and have me do things with them so much".

This is not easy to do because it's not a quick fix and it's really hard to find something good when we're feeling so bad... But, nothing in life worth having comes easily (I say that a lot), and this life skill is definitely worth having.

You just have to find the power within yourself to become strong minded. Your mind is the most powerful tool you'll ever have and once you have control over it, you have the power to choose peace of mind.

A few tips to help you get started...
When I was first starting on this journey, I too felt like you, afraid I was going to explode with anger, so I really know where you're coming from.
When my children were having inconsolable tantrums and I needed to stop and focus but couldn't because of the distractions, I'd put them in a safe place, step outside and close the door. I'd take one breath and one step at a time away from the house until I could no longer hear them. Then I'd think about how to get the situation under control. Step by step I knew what I needed to do when I reentered the house. I would think of positive strategies and positive thoughts of myself. For example I'd think, "I'm a nurturing mother. I love my kids and they need me to be strong", "I'm going to go in that house and be the most caring person in the world right now, I'm going to get control over the situation and have a nice day". Then I'd find it inside myself to accomplish it...
If you are feeling guilt over this situation, that tells me that you are a caring person that has empathy and compassion and that you have what it takes to give this a try... It tells me that you don't want to feel bad or be angry anymore... It tells me you're ready to get control...
Kae

[nsane]

nsane,
First, I'm sorry this is so long.
Have you tried distracting your children with coloring books, games, songs, toys, etc when they seem to be having fits? Sometimes that worked with mine... It's just a thought, but I do have a coping skill to suggest for you. It is the one I used to pull me out of a depression and I still use it everyday. This coping skill was not an easy one to accomplish, in fact, it was the hardest. After all the "easy way outs" left me at dead ends, I finally made an effort to try this.

At first, I thought it was hogwash, until it really worked. It took many efforts and many tries for it to start sinking in, but it has now become a way of life.
If you will transform your mind to think positive thoughts, it will transform your life positively.
If you are anything like me, you may have dug a deep river of negativity. It's going to take strong will to change it too. That river wasn't formed overnight, nor will it be redirected without some conscious, strenuous effort on your part. You will have to make quality decisions every day, choosing to think good thoughts and rejecting the bad ones. Look for the good in every "bad" situation (the good is in there somewhere).
Our thoughts contain tremendous power over our lives and our well being. When you think of positive thoughts, they will ultimately lead you to happiness. When ever negative thoughts or bad feelings start coming about, you must stop, focus, find something good, and change your thoughts.
It's hard...boy is it hard, but in the end, you will be the one in control of your mood...your joy...your peace of mind.

you'll first start out forgetting that you're suppose to be thinking positive thoughts and remember only after the fact.
Then you'll think negatively but remind yourself that you are only suppose to be thinking positively.
Then you catch yourself right before thinking negatively and change it immediately to a positive thought.
Then positive thoughts start filling your mind instead of the negative ones.

No, it's not fool proof... Negative thoughts are always going to try to find a way in; however, you choose whether or not to keep them or cast them out.
It just gets easier to cast them out as you progress in your positivity.

I can't tell you how much this has changed my life. I still go coo-coo from time to time, I'm human...And when I find myself struggling to focus on the good, I come here for support, or to offer advice to others - which makes me feel good also.
I fill a negative void with something positive.
When my children are demanding a lot of my attention and the laundry and dishes are piling up, instead of thinking "I wish they'd leave me alone for a little while so I can get the laundry and dishes done" (which I was guilty of thinking in the past), I choose now to think " I must be a pretty good mom for my children to want to be with me and have me do things with them so much".

This is not easy to do because it's not a quick fix and it's really hard to find something good when we're feeling so bad...But, nothing in life worth having comes easily (I say that a lot), and this life skill is definitely worth having.

You just have to find the power within yourself to become strong minded. Your mind is the most powerful tool you'll ever have and once you have control over it, you have the power to choose peace of mind.

A few tips to help you get started...
When I was first starting out on this journey, I too felt like you, afraid I was going to explode with anger, so I really know where you're coming from.
When my children were having inconsolable tantrums and I needed to stop and focus but couldn't because of the distractions, I'd put them in a safe place, step outside and close the door. I'd take one breath and one step at a time away from the house until I could no longer hear them. Then I'd think about how to get the situation under control. Step by step I knew what I needed to do when I reentered the house. I would think of positive strategies and positive thoughts of myself. For example I'd think, "I'm a nurturing mother. I love my kids and they need me to be strong", "I'm going to go in that house and be the most caring person in the world right now, I'm going to get control over the situation and have a nice day". Then I'd find it inside myself to accomplish it...
If you are feeling guilt over this situation, that tells me that you are a caring person that has empathy and compassion and that you have what it takes to give this a try... It tells me that you don't want to feel bad or be angry anymore... It tells me you're ready to get control...
Kae

Thank you akae for your reply, id also like to apologize to blue rose for snapping at her. Im feeling a bit like a wounded animal at the moment, physically and emotionally. I know I came off as a really horrible person and a terrible mother, but I do love my children and there are tender moments every day with each child. I have used thinking positive in the past and I know it works, I just need more discipline and focus. This is a very hard time for me mainly because I feel like I'm chained to the house, under normal circumstances if the kids acted up I would take them for a walk or the park, but I can't and I really miss walking. I do not drive, I wish we had drivers ed in australia, therefore walking was my mode of transport. Anyway I know I must continue to think that things will get better and that I will be active again soon. There are a lot of other things that have happened to lead up to me feeling like this. I have never been keen on taking anti deppressants because I feel embarrassed, if anyone out there does or has taken them are they good? Do they help? My doctor suggested them, but I never brought it up with him again. Anyway I'm rambling now, so ill stop.

[JoeCanada76]

It depends on what type of antidepressants the doctor recommends. I think most of them are addictive but there are some that might not be. This is what you need to discuss with your doctor. Also even counseling for yourself could be very beneficial. I have done counseling before and all they do is listen to your feelings, thoughts and situations then they try to teach you and give you coping mechanisms that will help you in your everyday interaction.

You have conditions that cause a great amount of pain. As well as two active boys. I will tell you that boys are very very very active. It is part of growing and you just need to find ways of entertaining them and also getting them into activities that will be good for them and also tap into that non stop energy. Then I do believe things will settle down.

You sound like a very genuine and caring person. You have 4 beautiful children. You have your own home and a lovely family but illness can have a big effect on emotions and your patience. As you know though that is one thing you need most when raising children especially boys.

So I do believe you should talk to your doctor. Ask him on information about medication that might help, but if you do not want to rely on that or start even trying that option the other one is counseling. It can be important outlit for you and maybe that is all you need is something for yourself. A day, or a time to do your own thing. Pampering yourself instead of always taking care of others.

That is important.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Joe

[AKaeTrue]

I was on antidepressants from the age of 14 years old up until last year (I'm 30 years old now). I have nothing bad to say about them because they got me through many dark days... Last year, I decided to go all natural - organic fresh foods, herbs, vitamins, and a positive thinking program. It has help me more than medications ever did. I still have my moments, but I turn to people like myself who have completed the positive thinking program and offer support to others in and out of the program. I also let it spill out to the ask me help desk too (just recently did that). Both are good ways to get back on the positive track.
If you don't have personal support groups where you live, there are many online ones and of course the ask me help desk that has a variety of outlooks and opionions...
Do you live in an area where you can sit outside and read a book while your children play? That's always a great way for me to get "me time".
Another thing I had to realize (my children are 3 and 6) was that I had to give them things to do because they weren't going to find anything to do themselves. I would say to them "go play" but they would keep pestering me. Now, if I give them things to do, they do them and I have control and peace of mind. Maybe that may help as well.
Kae

[Bluerose]

No apology necessary.

Take care of you and your family - they grow up way too fast.

[NowWhat]

I have taken anti-depressants. They helped. Judging from your post - you might be a candidate.
As far as coping skills - It sounds like you need more help at home. Even if it is 30 minutes a day to yourself. I remember when my daughter was 3 - I couldn't wait for my husband to get home. Having 4 kids in the house has got to be stressful for the healthiest mom. I don't know what your financial situation is - but maybe hiring a nanny/housekeeper to help you could relieve a lot of stress. Or could your husband adjust his hours to be more present at home?
You are not a bad person/mom - you are just in a situation that you feel you don't have control over. And you probably feel like you are drowning. It will get better - you have to tell yourself that EVERYDAY and BELIEVE it!

[alimarie6789]

Raising kids is hard, double it if you are in pain. And when are you getting a little time for yourself to take a bath or get your hair done. This is what you need and that's why your worn out. If you don't have the money, you can hire someone for just an hour so you can feel better. If you can't do that... Wake up early and have a cup of coffee and watch TV... before they wake up.Boys are active... try if you can to take them to a park where you can sit back and watch them. ( Im not sure if you can if you have sciatica. ) Try to be grateful everyday for the little things. And if you need to talk, find a therapist to help you through.
Hope you feel better soon and your back operation comes soon ( ( can you get cortisone shots) in the meantime for pain management?

[Matt3046]

Proper pain management is important.