[confused2385]

Well it's a long story but 6 weeks ago I got into an argument with my ex, her mom and brother. Well after that fight, she left me, and is now dating a new guy whom she was friends with already. Her family finally got done with me. I'm going to admit for the last 7 years I was controlling, jealous, and put her down so many times. I never really cared to get help. I've realized I have a bi polar and it finally hit me on how bad I was, I do regret it so much but too late.

Well 6 weeks ago she told me she was going to get to know her friend and perhaps even be his girlfriend. She said I messed up too many times already and that her family and friends wanted her away from me and she told me not to look for her and that she didn't feel feelings for me anymore and she wanted to only be a friend in the future :( Well just 4 weeks ago she sent me an email when I wasn't even contacting her and she was suggesting to go to an event dealing with anti-stigma mental illness and she said I should really go because I really need to change and something great to go to.

I replied telling her I was sorry for all the damage I've caused to her family and her and that I still loved her so much and that I was willing to change and finally accept I have bi polar disorder and that I wanted her in my life. She just replied saying she was happy I was going to go. And just 2 weeks ago she suggested to go to a research study dealing with borderline personality dosorder she begged me on email to be part of it which I just did and have my first appointment next week. I'm supposed to be part of it for 5 months and medication & psychiatrists visits.

Why is she being that nice and still feel like she has to push me to change and get better if she's happy with her boyfriend? I'm not really sure how she is with him now. Either they are friends or possibly bf/gf now but I'm just shocked after all I did she emailed me To go there. I'm starting next week. I did reply last week and she didn't reply anymore. Why?

[Wondergirl]

Maybe she actually cares about you and your mental welfare. After all, she was with you for a long time. She knows you will have a much better chance of finding the love of your life if you are mentally stable, and it sounds like she cares about you enough to want that for you.

I'd feel honored, if I were you.

[confused2385]

That's the thing. Why does she even care? I'm really hurt. She's with her new boyfriend now. She's pretty much calling me crazy. What about her? She used me as well. I gave her a phone, a plan, my car, money, rides, groceries, laundry, 100% dependent on me. What about her infedelities? She doesn't have a problem either leading me on and hurting my feelings? She knew how I got and yet she let it happen for so many years. She changed me and actually, if I had another GF I would never do what I did to my ex. I'm really really aware of that. If a girl cheats on me, I will not fight, instead, I will leave her for good. With my ex, it was just complicated. She gave me many reasons and she hid me from people sometimes :(

I don't get why she can't let me move on. Instead here she is setting me up with free psychiatrist visits and free medication as well. Why is she hurting me? It hurts me to see her emails. I'm just really hurt she's actually with someone now. This is the 1st time she stops talking to me for good :( is there even any chance for me to be with her and win her all over agaon some months from now? Like I said, oh yes I will treat another girl right. And if she doesn't treat me rigt like my ex as well, I would talk, and then either walk away or work things out. With my ex, it was complicated. I wish she would have co-operated with me in every argument. But she never did :(

If I had her again, I would know not to make her dependent on me because of my money. It doesn't work like that. I would treat her nice just like at first and go for waks, etc... But she has to show she will change too. But for now, she's with that guy and who knows how serious they are getting. It hurts to think about them. I LOVE her so much and if she's happy with him then I'm happy. I have a feeling her boyfriend will get like me once he sees how she has a millions guyfriends and likes to go out as well and sleep over at guyfriends houses. You see what I mean? I can't wait to see that moment when he sees that side of her. Anyway, I would take her back, no doubt. But I would talk to her and we both need to come to an agreement. It just sucks she's a sociable popular person therefore having many guys after her.

[talaniman]

While I realize you are hurt after the break up, I think she wants to see you happy and healthy. She just couldn't handle you the way you are.

Not a bad idea to get tested instead of assuming that you know what the problem is, and get proper help, instead of self help.

Break ups always suck, no matter how long you had been together, whether it's a day, or a century. In time you adjust, so you can move on. Look, if you have no problem, then tell her to leave you alone. But don't do as she says to thinking this will get her back, it doesn't work that way, you have to do this for yourself.

If you think you are bi polar, see a doctor, and leave her alone so you can accept she is no longer your girl, and do better in moving on. Don't be confused about her actions, what you do for yourself now is what's important.

[confused2385]

I'm scared they are making new memories. It bothers me. It used to bother me they were intimate the most but now what really seems to get to me is the fact the two of them are having new adventures and she will already be falling for that guy. And he told you to give him space as well so he can try to get to know this girl better?

Well about me, yes I'm sure she read her emails. I replied last week to this that she wrote to me, this what she said:

"Well I'm glad to hear that u joined discussion groups because of the 1st event
Also, I'm glad to hear ur thoughts on many of the things u mentioned - sounds like u have gained some positive experiences
Best of luck w/ the National Louis University fair!
I'm also happy about the free visits & believe u should be getting paid as well I think..are you okay w/ the medication piece? Did they give you enough information about it for you to feel that it is safe for u? I do not know that much about that aspect but am hoping that they will be beneficial in you moving forward towards better things.
I will continue to send you any information or events that I come across as well
what did they say when u said I referred u & how did that conversation go?
Also, I think it would be best 4 u to cancel the line because it wont be right for me to use it or for you to keep paying for it but thank u.
U may want to change the # and then add one of ur family members on ur plan perhaps.
looks like the last 2 bills were paid w/ my card & yes i would appreciate it if u keep track of what u owe me as well- thanks
Have Great holidays & wish u the best always & in all u do  "

I just replied telling her that I know I messed up and the least I could do was follow her advice and go to the place she referred me to. I also said I cared for her so much and that I wanted to be her friend and that it hurt to see she was forcing helself to be distant from me because of her family and friends.

I also told her I will always be there for her and that she should give me a chance to be her friend in some weeks as well and I will always respect her whether she's happy with her boyfriend or not. I forgot to mention to you but before she left me she made me get two concert tickets that she wanted to go to so bad. It's schedule for next Sunday, December 11. I also brougt it up to her telling her it would be great to go since I still have the 2 tickets and that I would give her space if she wanted to after the concert.

So now I'm not sure if I want to send her another email 2 days before the concert to ask if she could go and if not then it's fine. I'm so unsure but I know there is nothing wrong with sending her an email. It's so hurtful to know they leave you but they do it always for abother person.

She didn't reply anymore last week. But I still had in mind to send her an email next week like on Friday. Last time we spoke on phone 6 weeks ago we ended in good terms and she told me to get better and that she wanted to prove her family that I'm a different man in the future and that she really cares so much for me in her life as a friend now but that I should go get help during this time away from each other. Before we hung up she also told me to hold on to the tickets and that maybe we could go to that depending on how she felt for her new guy I guess. So you see? I'm scared that she is falling for this guy now. Man I hate him so much but I really can't do anything. I'm also thinking he's a rebound but 6 weeks have passed by and it doesn't sound good at all anymore

[talaniman]

Leave her alone my friend, because all your hurt and turmoil is tied to the fact that this relationship is over and she is doing what's best for her.

Let it go before understanding and sympathy become annoyance and anger on her part because you just keep going in circles. Its no longer about what she is doing, but what you are doing to yourself.

Change the phone plan, and let her go, and from here on out, its on you to move on without her.

[confused2385]

Do you not see I'm hurt though? She told me 6 weeks ago that she didn't want to lose me but that her family really, but really hated my guts now after 7 years. She told me to go to group discussions in the mean time, she told me not to date other girls but instead focus on myself and focus on all the bad I did to be a better person. She also told me to block the phone and not cancel and it made me wonder if she really knew what she wanted. She als told me she missed me so much but that this time I crossed the line by even disrespecting her mom andher brother. Her mom told her to let me go because I was still the same aggressive person and I wasn't changing at all. And you know what the funy thing is? That the next day after the major fight with her and her family, she decided to call the guy that liked her. So that was the end pretty much because her family cinvinced her to stop talking to me as well as her friends.

That's why I was surprised when we last talked that she said block the libe for now and that she wasn't sure about the guy she was talking to. This girl depended on me 100% as you can see but she told me it's better to struggle by doing what is right. :( she did tell me to hold on to the tickets and not throw them out and that maybe we could go to that which by the way, it's next weekend. 6 weeks ago is the last time we talked on phone and ended in good terms. She told me not to look for her and that she was going to look for me in a couple months and maybe we could go to the concert but she said she was also going to try to know the guy better.I honestly don't know if she sees him as a friend or if they are together, I don't know. But I do know she told me she wanted me to change because she didn't want to lose me from her life. And well, here I am. I left her alone 6 weeks ago and then she emailed me about an event. I went. 2 weeks later, she sends me another email about rhe research study when I wasn't even contacting her. It's like she really wants me to change.

I don't know but I was thinking of reminding her next week about the concert. You even saw what she said, she wants me to keep track of the $400 I owe her. Obviously she's not going to let that go, lol. I guess I'm better now but I miss her company. I would take her as a friend, no doubt. I can with time win her back even if she's got a BF. Soner or later he's going to mess up or perhaos she's not even with him and I'm jumping to onclusions. What do you think now? I'm 26 so obviously I care for her as a person too. I've known her since she was 14 and I was 15. And we were together for more than 7 years so yea, not easy. She's someone I want in my life even if she doesn't want me more than that. Got to suck it up and try to fall for smeone else.

[talaniman]

LOL, you talk crazy like the average guy that's been dumped 6 weeks ago from a very long relationship.

To bad you will never listen to anything anyone says for a long time to come, but its good to vent those feelings while you do get your senses back.

A break up would throw any bodies head off for a while. Geez, you act like you are the only one in the world who has been dumped, or hurt. We all here have!

So what was the big earth shattering family argument all about? When did it happen, and why?

[confused2385]

That's the thing. I'm mentally prepared to treat any girl right. She knows this already. I know it as well. She cheated on me before more than once and she is probably the biggest flirt you will see with guys and likes to sleep over at guyfriends house. That's why my trust for her wasn't there anymore and I kept getting worse and she didn't do anything to help. That's why.

I'm willing to be her friend and prove to her I can be that guy that she once fell for. She told me to change so that her family sees I'm different. She's concerned about herself and her family, seems like it. Trust me, I'm not a bad person with people. It's just that me and her really needed a break but she didn't have to keep a rebound on the side.

My friends know I an be really nice and if someone new cheats on me am I going to treat her bad? No, I'm going to let her go, it's her loss. I'm already aware. The only reason I'm going to this place is to get help on what I messed up with her and what I did wrong and why I got like that.

I got like that every time because she hid stuff from me and since she allowed me to treat her bad, I kept it going for many years. She knows she was wrong too. You don't sleep at a guys house or exes house. She knew it but kept it going . We both messed up.

I'm in favor of no contact but she got a rebound.

[Wondergirl]

tThe only reason I'm going to this place is to get help on wat I messed up with her and what I did wrong and wy I got like that.

Pretty much all I've read so far is what she did wrong and what she made you do wrong so you ran off the rails.

If she posted here, what would she say?

[talaniman]

Oh boy! I have heard many excuses to put up with bad behavior and that's a good one. Doesn't matter to me at all what she did, or does, only what you do about it. So lets be clear that YOU allowed it, accepted it, and didn't dump her after she cheated once, let alone twice.

Harshness WARNING

Let her go and leave her alone, and stay out of her business, but most of all, keep her out of your life in all ways. Doesn't matter how she hurt YOU! It's a fact she will again, and its no longer her fault ITS YOURS FOR ALLOWING IT. MR.GOOD GUY!!

Maybe you are too good for your own good, but sometimes you have to take responsibility for your own good, and stop blaming others for YOUR problems, or behavior.

So ignore her in the future.

[geminichick]

You really need to ignore this woman. If you need help for a mental health concern, you should be doing it for YOU, not for her. I can totally understand if it was a family member coming with this concern but not your ex. Let her go and leave her in the past. If you need to make changes than focus on what you need to do to change. Don't focus on what she needs to change, especially when you and your ex are a thing of the past. You can't change anyone, or their behavior only that individual has to make that conscious decision to do so.

[confused2385]

Yes you are right, for the last 6 weeks that I haven't seen her I have felt much better. The crying has stopped. I have not seen her for 6 weeks now and I still can't believe it's happening but the pain is slowing down. Yesterday I went with a female friend to the club and wow I had a great time. I got bubbly, but I had an amazing time.

And you know what? I don't know why I always thougt my ex was the hottest girl ever. I saw so many pretty girls, and I mean gorgeous ones. Too bad I was with my female friend but I'm sure I can start a new life, new memories with another person.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my ex but she made her choice and her choice was to give that guy a chance and to push me out of her life. I will however still send her a friendly email this coming Friday about the concert. If you can help me how to put it or write it I would appreciate it. I just want to seem friendly in a way and want to make it short. If she doesn't reply or if she does saying she can't, then I'll take it as she's happy and I'm going to tell her I'm already seeing someone great. I will mention to her that I've learned my lesson n now I know never to treat someone like that. I will wish her the best and also tell her it's a shame she couldn't even see me as a friend regardless of who we are with.

That's why I'm not sure if I want to go get help. She made me be like that and she knew it and she also hit me as well before. Both of us were 50/50. She didn't change, I didn't change. I know if I had a chance to be her friend, I'm sure I would win her back. I'm not a crazy guy, trust me, I'm really sweet with girls and nice with people and always out them first instead of me.

In case she doesn't even give me a chance to be her friend next week for the concert I promise you I will never ever want her in my life. I already know I would be super nice with my next GF. As long as she respcts me, I will be fine. In any argument, I would talk to her. Trust me, I've learned a lot. My ex also fought with me so much and got crazy and pushed all my friends(females) away. We both messed up. It sucks she makes me look like the bad one.

[geminichick]

The best thing is to go no contact. Don't write her, don't phone her, don't e-mail her. In the end you will only be hurting yourself. If you are happy, than you don't have to prove that to her or tell her. YOu have nothing to prove to anyone accept yourself. Letting the past be the past and start focusing on your future.

Stop and think... what do you hope to gain in telling her the great time you had? Make her jealous perhaps? If your feeling better than there is no need to contact her. Everyone here has offered you great, no I should say, excellent advice.

When you feel like you want to contact her, just take a deep breath and focus what the relationship was like with your ex-girlfriend and start focusing on your future. A future with someone else!

[Wondergirl]

I will however still send her a friendly email this coming friday about the concert. If you can help me how to put it or write it I would appreciate it. I just wanna seem friendly in a way and want to make it short.

I would keep it matter of fact and definitely make it short, not chatty and not saying anything about yourself.

"My invitation is still open about the tickets. Let me know by midnight today if you're interested."

***ADDED*** I like even better what geminichick says, to do NC.

[talaniman]

OMG!! Take another female to this concert, and have a great time. Or take a friend and talk to the females.

You have so many better options than HER. If you weren't so STUCK you would be EXPLORING those better options.

[confused2385]

I know. Actually I have thougt about this and I'm not going to send her an email. It will make me look really bad besides the fact that she will reject me anyway. Honestly, I'm reflecting a lot. I don't really know what her intentions were with trying to help me. I'm fine, perfectly fine. Trust me. I'm no crazy. She was crazy too and we both kept it going. My friends know I put other people 1st instead of me. I don't get angry with people, I help others, I'm there for my family so why is she making me feel like a bad person and suggesting me to go get help? Because she's happy with her BF now she thinks I have a mental problem? It's all a game. I'm not going to no place. My female friends know I'm perfectly fine. Yes, I made mistakes just like she did, but nothing takes away that in reality, I'm a caring guy. We learn from those mistakes. I did.

I just need to know why she is trying to help me? Why? It's not fair she made me look like a bad person to her family and friends. Not fair. If they knew the stuff she did to me. Cheating, using me for my money... Man it was crazy. It's my fault for giving her the world. As a result I treated her badm and she treated me bad as well by lying and hiding me and telling people I was her ride when in reality I was her BF. She played with me and it made me react in ways I wish I didn't. I have thougt this well and I'm not mentally unstable because I have not treated anyone outside of her bad once ever. Why do I need anger control if I don't even get angry with people? It was her the whole time provoking me. It all had to do with her so what's in her best interest for me to go get help? Does she feel better suggesting those places to me?

[geminichick]

Ok... How did she provoke you. If your not mentally unstable, why does it matter why she was trying to help you. The thing that really confuses me is you go from one thing right to another. In your original post when you asked your question you said you realized you were bi-polar and you admitted that you were controlling and jealous. YOu were sorry for the damage you caused her and her family and that you were willing to change and you accepted that you were bi-polar and now your saying she's crazy as well? She provoked you. Do you know how many times I have heard an abusive man say exactly what you just stated. She provoked you... if only she hadn't said this or hadn't done that... that is whole flecking load of crap. I'm sorry if I'm stepping on your toes but I dealt with someone who behaved simularly to you.

Look... if your not a bad person, than why does it matter what she thinks or anyone thinks for that matter goes?

[talaniman]

If what you say is correct then more than likely her trying to help you makes her feel better about herself, and makes it seems you were the problem, not her. That lets her off the hook of feeling guilty, and justifies her bad behavior.

Your solution is to stop going along with anything she says, and cutting her from your life in every way possible.

And lets not forget, you went along with it. I know love makes us blind and crazy sometimes, but we still have to own our part for the failure of a relationship, and the emotional fall out that follows.

REJECT any more of her help.

[confused2385]

Like I said, I'm not how you are describing me. Now for you I do feel sorry you had a guy like that. And you know what I mean. I was trying to take the blame on me because that's how she made me feel. But I'm healing now. What does that tell you? That I'm actually not defending her wrongs. 

Provoke? You heard right! Try cheating over and over again and making the guy suffer over many years knowing he will take you back and forgive you no matter what. I really loved that girl so much. She would sleep over at exes or guyfriends houses knowing I was her BF. And yes, there were a few times where she punched me in the chest as well. And there was always her ways of taking my money and asking me to give her a cellphone plan, and asking for my car and not even adding me on Facebook. Now you say your guy was aggressive and if you did what my ex did to me then I can only say for people like you love doesn't exist. That's how bad it was. She knew she wasn't helping me because when I thought I was doing great... SHE was already talking to someone behind my back and she could never STOP and the only reason I fougt against her family is because they always got involved and I ouldnt take it anymore. 

Her younger sister still talks to me and she doesn't hate me because she knows her own sister is a big manipulative person. My ex used me knowing I loved her. She took advantage of me and yet I took her back each and every time. The only reason she's out of my life, not because of the guy, but because of her family and I'm surprised her younger sister sides with me. She even tells me if only her parents knew of all the bad my ex did to me. So what do you have to say now eh? Of course even after all the bad she did to me I still miss her. Did I mention she would even call my female friends and pushed them away. These are friends that I had through out College. I never really got to know someone because she said I oulnt have female friends but she could have all of those guys in her life and sleep over at their life? She messed me up. But at least I admit my mistakes. I'm not a bad crazy person, we just make bad choices in life and I already know I don't ever want anything from her ever. I'm completely done. I will not even send her an email. I'm socializing with people now, something I ouldnt even do while I was with her because I was scared. She could check my phone but I ouldnt check hers? Now you freaking get it girl??  

I made bad choices and with that comes a big learning experience for me. She is sending me emails to change and I just laugh now. Even her sister says what a bad person her sister turned into. She will look for me again, I'm sure but I will be so happy to ignore her. I'm already going out and socializing. That means I'm healing because the 1st month I was really hurt. As each day passes by I feel better and more when I have my friends visit and we hang out and it's just what I always needed. I already invited my female friend to the concert. I'm not going to not counseling or medication.. For what if I'm not depressed. I just realized she was harmful in my life and I wasted the last 7 years of my life with someone that used me, manipulated me and isolated me from everyone. She just wanted me for her while she could have fun and cheat with all those guys. 

I don't know. But it's both of our faults. We both messed up and yes she pucnhed me 4 times hard in my chest and aso got hysterical and punched the dashboard of my car like crazy whenever our problems got huge. I miss her so much. And yes I'm really really surprised she's sending me to go get help. She needs it too. But since she's a psych phd student, she thinks she's always right. She used me and lead me on for many years :'( as harsh as it sounds it breaks my heart. I tried and tried to be happy and she did as well but she couldn't change, I couldn't change. Even her sister told me 2 weeks ago that my ex needs a lot of help as well but since she right away got with her new BF, she feels safe and secure and she's making herself seem like the victim. I wish they knew how she manipulated me and used me for so long. She did care for me but she asked me for money, she had it, my car, she had it, new lates cellphone, she had it, new $1200laptop, she had it(3 months ago), concert tickets, she had it all!! I'm SO SAD I gave her the world and she took me for granted. She couldn't even say thank you for all you did for the last years :'( instead, she goes with that guy. I wish she could have helped both of us to treat each other respect. She's a phd student, she should have helped us, not just me :'( now that she's happy with him she sends me information to go to a BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER research study :( for what? And her? Does she feel happy and like nothing is wrong with her now that she's with him?