[sanguine]

There's a guy, he is been my best friend since 4 years now. I knew he liked me to begin with but never showed me his feeling, as he had a girlfriend, and honestly he kept on changing his girlfriends, never was a serious guy, but through these years we both become deeply attached to each other, while I never had a boyfriend.

But last year I had to leave my city to complete my studies in other city. I had been away from him a whole year, with a mere contact of talking almost once in a week, but you on his birthday I was present with him only, two of us celebrating it together. I had a wonderful time with him, he also told me that day that he seriously love me but do not trust himself to be with me.

At that time I haven't given much thought to him. I just wanted to go with the flow, but after a few months when I return back, every thing was changed. He was a non-smoker, and a non-alcoholic person but when I returned back, it became known to me that he turned into a chain smoker, drug addict, toluene inhaler a total different person. His family called me asked for my help to stop him from doing all this.

I started talking to him, he was like in severe condition to me. He told me he had been attempting to suicide, but he suddenly promised me that he will stop all this drug nonsense, and will stop smoking in future as well. He surely will decrease the number of cigarettes from 20 to 2, if I will stay with him in his life, he thinks that I brings the happiness he wants in his life. I was really happy I loved him dearly, and I knew I hold a special place in his life, so I agreed upon doing anything for him, so being in a relationship he fulfilled his promises.

He started meeting me regularly but one day we went on a date he hugged me and kissed me, really my first kiss with him, I was really happy, dancing all around but he ruined it all by saying that he just once want to inhale toluene with me together. I obviously said no, saying that he promised he shouldn't be thinking about it anymore. He just simply agreed to me but when the next time met him after that incidence, he started behaving in a real bad way toward me. We were with our friends together, I asked him that rather than introducing us a best friends we should let them know that we are dating now. To which he only yelled out loud that only *****es dates him. He didn't speak my name so no one get know that he was talking about me, but when he physically pushed me away, calling me dirt, everyone noticed.

I couldn't speak a word but my friends shouted at him telling him to talk me respectfully, honestly speaking, I was feeling numb at that time, I didn't know why he was doing so. I wanted to cry and ask him what have I done wrong, but he didn't answer. When I reached home I tried to talk to him, but he didn't receive any of my call. I was so angry and frustrated that when I text him that I needed a serious talk with him he said, that he is busy can't talk me and won't be able to meet me. Then I too replied him that "I no longer wants any relationship with you, and you don't love me". And he replied "okay but lets stay as friends if that's how I can stay forever with you".

But I really loved him, I kept on crying his behavior toward me didn't change always getting worse, my feeling toward him kept on dying. I stopped meeting my friends and him as well, funny how I seems he used to talk me so nicely but only called me selfish afterward, so I ended it all.

After few months I found new people in my life caring for me, my new friends are better than my 5 years old friends. Meeting new people always trying to keep me happy and another guy in my life better than my ex. He proposed me, so I even started liking him thinking maybe that's god's wish for us to be together. So I told my family that I will soon start dating him. Even told my old friends including my ex, that I'm moving on. So has he, with his another new girlfriend.

But the twist in this story just as I was again settling in my new life, my so called best friend returned saying he still needs me in his life no one else, asking forgiveness for what he did in the past, but I honesty told him I have no longer any feeling left for him. He said he won't be able to live without me, looking so sad. I couldn't say anything to him, he started kissing me again, becoming more physical, but I could stop him. I didn't want to hurt his feeling either if he had any, I still do care for him but only as a friend his over really died along time before now. I don't feel anything for him but we kissed only proving, saying that I still love him, just don't want to admit.

There is only the new guy in my mind now. I'm happy that at least I'm not committed to the new person, so m not betraying him, but now I'm really getting out of my mind don't know what to do. Can't move on, can't be committed to anyone, my so called best friend only seeks time alone with me, only to try and have sex with me, although I'm still a virgin but still I feels like he is only using me physically, don't let me meet other guys but always meeting his ex (which are so many that I'm losing the count now) but when ever I ask him if he is lusting me, or loving me, he says that he loves me. But that isn't what I want, not the love I want, with his love bites all over my body, when I know he will leave me again. I can no more cry, only have a stupid and a fake smile upon my face..

Please help me. I don't want to die for nothing.

[talaniman]

Come on smarten up, and get this loser out of your life and you won't have to die for nothing. You can live and be happy.

I mean how many times do you have to pull the same mistake before you have learned your lesson?

[Jake2008]

It is time to make a decision and stick to it. Your life with this 'friend' has been destructive, and one-sided. He sees you as the one that can save him, and you see him as a man who cannot survive without you.

This is not love.

With his addiction issues, unresolved, alone, a relationship is impossible in my opinion. You have seen him relapse, and what happens when he does. He, himself, has a long way to go, and he has not yet started in recovering his own life, let alone add yours to it.

It is unhealthy to be with someone who continuoulsy hurts you. You have no solid commitment, no obligation. Why would you continue to think that this is good relationship of any kind to hold onto.

If you don't want him in your life, say so. Tell him it is over. The friendship, any thought of romance, etc. it is over. Then stop contacting him, meeting him, texting him, answering phone calls, talking on Facebook, MSN etc. Block all contact, and resolve to keep it up, and move on with your life without him.

Your only alternative is to continue as you have, and choose more heartache.

It's up to you.

[lavizucchetto]

You should laeve your ex and move on and live a happy life
Is what all girls need happy life

[sanguine]

Jake2008, I know that your right and thanks a lot for helping me, I did what you suggested me, but I consider him as a part of family somehow and I really wish him to stop being a addict, what should I do, I have ended my contact with him, where as he is targeting to end his life within a month, am really horrified by the way he is acting,even for his rude behavior I believe certain drugs are being responsible, he don't know what he is doing, more than my relationship am concerned with his life, I don't love him, therefore I won't be act to be his lover as well, but as a friend I want him to live a normal better life too.. if you can please tell me what should I do now..
I want him to meet a psychiatrist, join a rehab, change his life style but alone I cant..

[Jake2008]

He has twice now, been able to stop the drugs and alcohol if I read you right. The first time, while you were away for a year, and came back to a sober friend, do you know how he did it? Was he in therapy of any kind, under medical care, attending a 12 step program?

The second time when he said he would quit, and apparently did, was he also getting help.

My point being that on at least one accassion, he was able to get his life back on track, only to relapse, and add huffing to his repertoire, on top of everything else.

Because he knew that to get you back, he would have to be clean, and could not, or chose not, to take that path, he has now added suicide threats as a way to keep you in his life.

Because his parents have contacted you in the past for help with him, if it makes you feel better, you might consider doing one last thing. Contact his parents, and let them know that you have severed ties with him, because of his addictions. Tell them about the threats of suicide. If he does follow through, they will find out anyway. This is not a secret to keep, nor is it wise for you to feel responsible for him using that threat as a way of getting you back into his life.

Consider that, his drug use also comes with drug using friends. There is a whole culture, and lifestyle he lives in, while he is using. It is not just the addictions he has to face, it isn't a matter of simply stopping. It is all about changing his life, from the bottom, up. He can't skip the step of quitting, and actually turning things around, nor can he talk the talk, without doing the work. Him wanting you in his life is like me saying I want to go and buy a big house with a pool. It takes work, to have what you want, and you can't get what you want, or where you want to be, without working for it.

Nobody causes another person to become addicted to drugs or alcohol, anymore than me saying to my husband that I went out, got drunk, slept with a stranger, contracted STD's and got pregnant, because you forgot my birthday.

Because he has multiple addictions, he knows himself, that he will likely need medical care, and treatment in the form of therapy. None of what he is doing right now is simply about 'quitting', it is making the decision to change his life, and get the help he needs.

If you were to continue to allow him to draw you into his problems, you are not helping him, you are enablng him.

I think you have tried your best, you know that he is capable of changing his life around, and yet, at the same time, you cannot predict what he will, or won't do. If he decides himself, despite all the knowledge and support he has had, and could have with just a phone call, but decides to drive himself over a cliff, you cannot be responsible for his actions. There is no way of knowing ahead, what anybody will do, under any circumstances that involve multiple addictions. You can no more stop him, than you can step in front of a speeding train and stop that too.

It is sad, and I understand your confusion, and natural inclination to help. You see the person who was, not the person who is. Making that distinction will help you realize how little influence you really have on changing the life of anyone but yourself.

It is heart breaking to see anyone we love, self destruct. And that is what he is doing. You cannot stop him, and nothing you say or do, will change his life. He has to make that decision, himself.

At some point in the future, should you hear that he is in rehab, or detox, or has been clean for a period, I would personally, offer support then. Not everyone would, this is a personal decision that you will have to make for yourself.

Helping someone who is actively going through the very hard road back to living again, is quite different than accepting a person who is living the life of an addict.

Do not accept responsibility for his actions, and lose the guilt. What will be, will be. It is entirely up to him.