[sara555]

I really need advice. I don't know anyone with the same situation so I need help from anyone else out there. My relationship with my MIL has always been fine, until I gave birth to my first child. Now I feel that she WANTS my baby. Visiting with the baby isn't good enough.. She always tells me that I need to go do stuff and leave the baby with her. Every time I'm over, she takes the baby from me, and doesn't give her back until I'm literally stepping out the door to leave. She feeds her, changes her, everything. She won't even let me feed my own child in front of her. If I do, she stares the whole time just waiting to steal her back. I understand she's excited but this is BEYOND excited. From the moment she was born, she's been asking me when can she have her? When can she stay over? The more overbearing she is, the more I want to stay away from her.

I had shortness of breath for the first two months of my child's life because she gave me such bad anxiety. Now I lie awake at night and can't sleep because I keep thinking about this. She sees her once a week. Sometimes twice. And I feel that is ENOUGH. I don't think I could take her being around the baby much more than that because I can't be a MOM when I'm around her. SHE acts like the Mom. Not only that, but I don't trust her. She handles the baby roughly and thinks nothing of it. She does thinks that I would never do to my baby. She is way to carefree and laid back about EVERYTHING and seems to have little common sense. It really bothers me. I don't TRUST leaving my baby with her.. Not now, not when she's 5 or 10, not EVER! She's WAITING for the moment I need a babysitter so that she can have her ALONE time with her. I don't understand why she wants to be alone with her so bad considering every time I take the baby there she acts like I don't exist anyway. It's just her and the baby in her own little world.

I feel like I can't say anything to her and I don't know WHAT to say anyway. It's put such a damper on our relationship and with my husband to. Heaven forbid I say anything bad about his mother. He doesn't understand. I feel like she's ruining motherhood for me.. I DREAD being around her now. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I try putting myself in her shoes. I'm very passive and I hate confrontation but I feel that I'm going to start having to be more assertive somehow. I just don't KNOW how. She lays guilt trips on me about how I won't leave the baby with her etc. but she does it in such a NICE way... she tries complimenting me but it's so forced feeling. She does it to butter me up I'm sure. She's pulling out all the stops to get this baby from me and the more she does, the more I pull away.

She's been doing this since the baby was 2 weeks old. Please help!

[sewslikethewind]

My MIL did this. Although she did not kill my husband or his sister, I felt she was ill equipped to handle my son and that I, a new mother was all he needed. She was always trying to get me to leave the baby, take the baby. It freaked me out! Yeah. 25 years later... I am a little different.

She is trying to help you. You don't trust leaving your baby alone with her. So don't. Tell her that you have bad anxiety about leaving the baby, just don't add the words "with you".

Is it really such a big deal that she holds and feeds the baby the entire time she is visiting? While she is there, paint your toenails, do things you can only do with two hands, and have a nice visit and allow your child to get to know his grandmother.

Time cures all. Your child will grow up and will be safe around your MIL, and ultimately, she won't be around forever.

[0rphan]

Hi sara, I wonder if your MIL will still be the same when your baby is older and getting into everything like they do,I'd say probably not,although she will still think she knows best.

When a child is a first born it is always very special,Grandparents are always very proud,literally falling over themselves to be part of the event.They always think they know more than a new Mom, because they themselves have already been through the experience,therefore,they really do think that they are helping.

By the same token, a new Mom can be a little nervous,but also thinks that she herself is the only one who knows how to care for her child,after all she did give birth to it.So there in lies the problem, straight away you have a clash of who knows best, creating conflick between Grandma and Mom.

Both of you have the babies welfare at heart, this is one thing you agree upon,I do think although you are really concerned about your MIL she really could actually help you out a lot,I know you don't want that,but I feel if you relaxed a little more,things could be used to your advantage.

I think for now you have to try and meet each other half way, if she over steps the mark then tactfully set her straight she will not do it again I'm sure.What you don't want is this conflick to come between you and your husband because eventually it will,therefore try and keep calm, even if it means putting your foot down to achieve this once and for all with your MIL.

[Wondergirl]

Your MIL and mine must have gone to the same grandmother training school. My MIL would come to visit unannounced "to help" and then took over my baby (i.e. her first grandchild) while I did the dishes and the laundry. I finally said to myself, "What's wrong with this picture?"

I learned to gently set boundaries with her as to when she could come over and what she could do (turned out to be not much, actually -- her clothes-folding was just wadding things into a ball and stuffing them into a drawer). We survived, and, by the time I had my next child four years later, I had her figured out and trained.

Oh, and she was a nurse, so of course she decided she knew everything about babies and how to care for them. Whenever I needed baby advice, I called my totally rational, lover-of-common-sense mother long distance.

[QLP]

Do all MILs go to that school? Mine certainly did. She even tried to talk me into stopping breastfeeding because she was feeling left out at feed times - no way did that happen.

It is easy to feel overwhelmed and see everything she does as a major problem. Have a sit down and work out what things bother you most and what you can let ride. Start setting some boundaries on the things that really matter to you. Do it as nicely and tactfully as you can but don't be afraid to get firm if you need to. I did once say to my MIL, 'I respect your experience but this is how I'm doing it with my child and I am afraid I'm not budging on this so you are going to have to respect me on this one.' She went home in a huff but it all blew over and we learned to get along - ish...

[Jake2008]

You need to step up here and lay down the law.

This is your baby.

When she is doing things with your baby you don't like, being rough for example, TAKE the baby, and say, she/he does not like that. Period. If she takes the baby from you, stop her before she does. When she takes over doing any activity, whether it is in your house, or hers, don't let it happen.

I don't know how you can just sit by and allow her to do what she does.

Nobody likes confrontation, and you are indeed in an awkward position of having to balance your authority with the needs of your mother in law. But, you are the one in charge. Not her.

To allow her to do as she likes, then have anxiety and sleepless nights over her having such free reign over your child, is caused by you. You have to stop her by saying, 'No'.

You will need to assert yourself, and it isn't comfortable for anyone with a close relative.

Learn how to say no when she is overstepping herself. If she picks up the baby, and she is not treating the baby up to your standards, go get the baby. If you don't want her to feed the baby, say no. The more you let this woman know who is in control, the less she will toss you aside and do as she pleases.

Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission.