[Mrs Beasley]

Every time I go any place without my mother, I'm not there 10 minutes before the phone rings and it's her whether it's a friend's house or even a bar. I tolerated this for the longest time but I am now 41 years old (she is 66) and it's gotten to the point where it's embarrassing. I'll be at somebody's house for a social gathering and like clockwork the phone will ring and someone will holler out my name and say "your mother's on the phone". I could just die, here I am in a roomful of 40-50 year old people-some of whom are not only parents themselves but GRANDPARENTS-and I'm interrupted to go to the phone because my mother is checking up on me. She doesn't call my cell phone, she calls their house so her call won't be missed. It's ironic, actually, to have somebody's kid tell me my mother's on the phone for me. She has always done this in spite of me asking her nicely not to, getting angry and firmly telling her not to, and eventually crying and begging her to please not do this because I am humiliated every time. She finally conceded, after going around and around with me over it all through my 20's, 30's and finally 40. Okay, she's backed off a little, but will now find ANOTHER reason to call wherever I am and speak with someone else about something/anything else. When I ask her why she does this, her reply is "it had nothing to do with you" (meaning myself, of course). Nothing To Do With Me? My mother chases me around everywhere I go and always has, but it Has Nothing To Do With Me. She now buys Avon from a woman in my office who's desk is about 12 feet away from mine, and the new joke at work is how my mother calls my co-worker more often than she calls me. LOL HAHAHA but it's not funny! This is a control issue that we have every time I'm out of her presence, but I'm not going to explain this much personal stuff about myself at work just so I can excuse what mom is doing. So, I told mom I am getting a razzing at work over her phone calls and to please not do this to me because these are the people I must spend my working hours with. Guess what she then did next? She called my co-worker AT HOME(!! ) one evening after work hours to ask questions about Avon. Every time I try to draw the line, my mother pushes it forward even further. I don't even call my own co-workers at home! Last night I was at my cousin's house and she called to talk to him about something that Had Nothing To Do With Me. She couldn't wait until the next day for this, she did it right in front of me because she knew I was there. The message I am getting is that I will be controlled and monitered whether I like it or not. Yes, we have control issues outside of the phone calls-mom has hated away almost every friend I've ever had, and now she has the nerve to comment on my new lack of socializing with people my own age. She does not seem to understand that this is a problem and if having me around means having somebody's stern mother call and treat us like we're acting like irresponsible 10 year olds then naturally it's eventual that I won't be getting invited so much anymore and probably with some snickering behind my back. (For the record, I do not believe I have an alcohol problem but it is common to have a couple drinks from time to time with my ADULT friends, thanks for asking ;)) My social life is not completely dead yet, but it's getting there fast.

Now what do I do? I've asked, I've explained how it makes me feel, I've cried, begged, pleaded, and outright yelled at her. But she crosses the line every time. Don't say not to tell her where I am going, if she can't find me she calls every place I frequent until she scores a direct hit. Not telling her where I am means mom freaks on everybody and they'll all know I went somewhere and that my mother is looking for me. It makes jackasses out of both of us (like back in my bowling days when she'd call the lanes and they announced phone calls over the intercom, before cell phones were common). Maybe people don't perceive it as negatively as I think they do but I can't stand it anymore. I can't move far away from her, I am her only child and I'd never do that to her. Neither of us has a man in our lives (there isn't room, for God's sake), mother's own friends are few and they don't ask her to do things with them anymore. What am I going to do? I'm 41 years old and I always feel like I'm being disciplined. I love her very much but I need a life of my own. Mom treats me like I'm just all of a sudden going to drop the ball and run off and become irresponsible on the spur of the moment. This is not fair, I've never been a troublemaker at any time in my life, I've never been arrested, I've never been married or gotten pregnant (re:hooked up with an undesirable guy). I'm a decent person and not a complete moron. What's the problem here? HELP!

[J_9]

Yes, it does seem like there are control issues at hand. Apparently your friends are used to her calling. Since they are, I would suggest that when they call that they are told you are not there. Since not telling her where you are going is not an option.

How about not answering the phone if they have caller ID.

Hanging up on her?

The issue with the co-worker has to be dealt with by the co-worker, not you.

[Mrs Beasley]

My friends respect her too much to just leave her hanging, as in not answering the phone when she calls. And I got zapped again just today, I made a new friend that I talked to this morning. About an hour ago I spoke to my mother, who told me she called the girl. I asked why and she said they talked about other things and it 'Had Nothing To Do With You". Bye Bye almost new friend, unsuspicious of my mother's intention of winning the same respect she's got from everybody else, which enables her to have "control". We had a fight and now I'm supposed to feel guilty and call her up and apologize. If I do that then it's the same as telling her it's okay to continue doing it. I just can't imagine any parent who justifies squeezing their own kids out of a personal life. I resent it, mom knows it and she does it anyway. This makes me absolutely seethe with resentment towards her.

I don't believe this! I almost had a new friend and mother has wrecked it already. Unreal.

[J_9]

How did she find out about the new friend? Did you tell her? Why?

Don't call her and apologize. You deserve the apology.

If it "has nothing to do with you" what does she say when you ask what it has to do with? What does she say when you ask her why she feels it is important to get so deeply into your personal life?

Does she have friends of her own? It sounds as though she may be a very lonely woman.

[Mrs Beasley]

Well, that's part of the problem. The city I live in is small/medium and mom knows almost everybody here. We both belong to a local club, which is where I met my almost new friend. Course, mom already knew her and can outrank me be having gotten there first. The girl is 4 or 5 years older than I am, but no biggie considering we're in our 40's. At first mom thought it would be great for me, another single (divorced) pal to go places with. (This is an issue for singles, couples socialize with other couples and nobody likes to be the odd number out.) I guess it's my error, I didn't realize that mother indended to be so involved in it. I should have known better. There are 2 sides of the fence, those who unknowingly play mom's game and those who see through it and don't. Mother accepts the first group with open arms and won't like people she can't manipulate. Whether she likes them or not is irrelevant when it comes to the phone calls. She's active, has a part time job and volunteers for things regularly, so I'm not quite sure I'd call her lonely. That would fit if she didn't get out much but that's not the case at all. Which leaves me back where I started. I just don't understand the need for her to have it all under her thumb like this. Could she actually be afraid that I might go out and get myself a life? The clock is ticking... I'm not a spring chicken anymore.

We do not live together by the way. I am across the street from her-which is probably also a mistake but I can't afford to move right now.