[Michael18]

I have talked about this with my parents many times.

My parents are being overly defensive, irrational, and take things too personally.

I was fourteen-fifteen years old at the time this all happened, and it keeps dragging on.

When my mom got cancer, family came up and feelings were hurt.

My grandmother on my mom's side kept putting me down telling me I "never think about anyone else." I helped do some things around the house but when I didn't do anything to help, she said that to me. My parents never made me do any chores, they did everything for me before everything happened. Thus I was spoiled and didn't help out as much as I could have, or as much as my grandmother on my mom's side wanted. (Since then I have been doing chores, washing the dishes, organizing, etc. And getting things done of my own free will too.)

There was a whirlwind of arguments amongst our family when everyone was up.

I went with my dad's mom out shopping and stuff and I would talk about the things that were bothering me such as my grandmother on my mom's side telling me that I never cared about anyone else.

My dad's mom started saying things that she didn't like about my parents, things that I would never have made her think about my parents just by talking to her about what was bothering me at the time.

She, and the rest of my dad's side of the family, already had ill opinions about my parents and how they raised me such as them accusing my parents of:

- Not letting me come over to see family. (I had gone over a lot to my relatives, but there were a few times my parents didn't let me go because I hadn't done my homework. My dad's side of the families argument was that they wanted me over more and my parents could have sent me over with my homework.)

- Making me wash my hands before touching anything clean or after touching anything dirty to the point where my hands were red and irritated when I was younger. (My parents told me my hands were red because I played with soap a lot and made bubbles with it and they gave me lotion to help. I did play with soap bubbles a lot.

- My mom has ocd, the kind that makes her do things over and over or she has to take a long time to do things in fear of messing up. But my parents never told me what her kind of ocd was, just that she had ocd. Either I told my dads mom that my mom had ocd, or she already knew. That's when she told me that my hands were always red and dry when I was younger and she blamed my parents for my hands being red because of it.)

- The way my grandmother on my mom's side kept putting me down. (Never caring.)

- My parents not making me do anything active such as sports (I detest sports but like to exercise, so my parents didn't make me do those things).

- She blamed my parents for me not having a good social life just because I told her I didn't "have that many friends." She said my parents never let any friends come over and never gave me the opportunity to be social. (My parents did let me go to friends' houses and let friends come over but we never really got along. They took me to birthday parties and any other things.)

Anyway, I told my parents I had been talking with my grandma (dad's side), or they simply found out that I had talked with her and they talked on the phone. My dad's mom called my mom's mom "that lady" and so my mom called my dad's mom by her actual name, not the name she usually uses.

- My dad's mom didn't like my mom calling her that, even though she called my mom's mom "that lady," so she hung up on my parents.

My dad's mom has some heart troubles so my dad went to check on her and she told my dad to "get off her property."

My dad's mom refused to talk to my parents about it after that.

My parents blamed me for everything that happened and the opinions my dad's mom had against them. They haven't let go because it still hurts them and my dad's mom won't talk about it to work things out.

I told them that I never had those ill opinions of them, and all I did was talk about what was bothering me.

Then I tried to make my dads mom and my parents talk.

I called my grandmother (dad's side) and told her that my parents were blaming me for everything that happened, and said I wanted her and my parents to talk it out so they would stop blaming me.

My parents told me not to talk to my dad's mom but I had no other choice because my parents wouldn't let it go, stop blaming me, and brought it back up every single time anything happened. Without them talking it out, my parents would keep blaming me and bring it back up over and over again. So I told her not to tell my parents I talked to her.

Well, my dad's mom called them up and asked what the problem was (she had gotten over what happened and was upset with my parents). My parents tried to tell her what they were still upset about, again, and my grandmother refused to talk about it, again.

So my parents blamed me for going behind their backs and talking crap about them, again. (When I never had talked crap about them before.)

I asked my aunt and uncle on my dad's side about what happened hoping to get answers hoping for a resolve because I wanted everything to get better.

Well, my uncle started saying that my mom's sister was crazy and delusional because him and my aunt had a job together once and he said my aunt went slightly wacko at the job and was fired. But when I asked my aunt about it, she said she had gotten a raise and my uncle was fired.

My uncle also said my parents never let him come into their house (previous) to sleep when his car broke down and my dad was fixing up his car or something, that he had to sleep out in his own car in the cold.

My aunt and uncle said that my mom never let my dad do anything unless it was okay with her and I said "yeah" because I didn't know that they were saying my mom controls everything my dad does, I thought they said it in the sense that my mom and dad never do anything without discussing it with each other. (My mom and dad deciding things together.)

And so then that gave my parents the "validity" to say that I did talk crap about them.

They always accuse me that I talk crap, or that I will talk crap about them.

I think my uncle most likely has a vendetta against my aunt and parents. (Because of something that happened before I was around? I don't know what happened before me being with my parents so I don't know.)

I think my grandmother on my dad's side has opinions that are not true, and too blown out of proportion about my parents; accusations and blames.

I must admit that me talking about things opened Pandora's box, but other than me talking about things, it's between my dad's side of the family and my parents, not me.

Ever since then, my parents blame me for talking about them with my dad's mom, they blame me for all the opinions my dad's mom and the rest of my dad's family has against them. They said "they wouldn't have had those opinions if you didn't tell them anything."

But when I was talking to my grandmother (dad's side), she would say things that she thought my parents were doing wrong, out of the blue. I can't control people's opinions, and I never said anything bad about them.

Recently (age nineteen) I went and worked for someone and I got fifty dollars out of it, I spent twenty dollars on Taco Bell. I told him "can you tell I don't get out much" and he asked if I was going to be at home for the next couple days, and I was, so I told him I was.

Well when we met back up, I told my parents that I had splurged on some Taco Bell and the person I worked with said "yeah, he's gonna be stuck at home for the next couple days." And because my parents are so defensive and take things way too personally now, they thought I told him that? They never let me go anywhere.

I'm extremely close to obtaining my driver's license now. Within the next couple months I'll be getting it. But because I don't have my license, my parents told me that I need to start driving and get it so I can't tell other people they never let me go anywhere. (I never have said that.)

We all go shopping together every week or two and if I ask if I can go to a friend's house, they take me.

But that's still not what I consider "getting out much" because even though I do get out, it's not that often at all, and going shopping isn't my idea of getting out.

Only after graduating have I gone to my friend's house three or four times which adds up to around seven days but they never really let him come over that much, only three to four times (four to five days) so far in the last four to five months.

Only until recently did they say I can go to his house whenever I want, that they're not keeping me from going. They said that only because they don't want me to tell anyone that they don't let me go anywhere, so nobody will have opinions about them or judge them.

They are so defensive, that anything that is said, they read into it too far and think that I'm talking **** about them.

Whenever we have an argument, they accuse me that I will go talk about them in regards to the argument we had just talked about.

My mom and dad have done everything for me. They're not bad, so why would I say bad things about them when I don't think they're bad?

They are so caught up with what everyone else thinks about them that they blame me for what everyone else thinks because they believe I talk crap about them all the time.

They think that everyone else's ill opinions about them were caused by me, and think that I harbor those same ill opinions about them.

It's been five years, an argument about them thinking I talk crap about them. They would consider this as a validation that I actually did talk crap about them because I'm arguing about them now, when I never did say anything bad about them.

As I always say: "Jesus Christ!"

They need to stop blaming me.

They need to get over what people think about them.

They need to let it go.

It's making them and me unhealthy because of it.

[joypulv]

Michael, you need to summarize rather than give a long list of anecdotes. I confess I just couldn't read it all. It's all visual and clear in your mind, but we are are total strangers.

The gist seems to be that you are about 20 years old, live at home (true, not true?), with parents who don't get along with relatives. I have to say that this is so common I'm not sure what to say other than to extract yourself from it all and start your own adult life. You can't fix them and their relationships with each other. Grandparents often don't like the other spouse, or any of that side of the family. Think of it like the Montagues and the Capulets (Romeo and Juliet, the two doomed lovers whose families were enemies). As for meddling with parenting, that is very common too. My mother wanted to name me Joy after her best friend, but her MIL demanded that she name me Joyce, so she caved (I've never used Joyce). It goes on and on from there. What else is new? You know your own mind, such as not liking sports, so what do you care what someone thinks you should have been made to do?

Good luck; I'm not saying it's easy being your own person. I have found it to be lifelong and I'm 64.

[joypulv]

OK, I did go back and read the rest, and it's about not getting along with your parents. Get that license and start working. Get a cheap rent with a bunch of roommates. Most of the problem here, I think, is that you are an adult living with your parents. That can work, but more often it doesn't.

[Jake2008]

At 19, you should probably know your relatives well enough to know that talking to any of them about personal issues you have within the family, will ruffle feathers, and cause or contribute to rifts. These rifts have been long apparent from what you have said, and while we all should be able to speak to a trusted relative, it doesn't work out that way, and what we say causes far more problems than what we start talking about in the first place.

Maybe it is time for you to stop expecting to have meaningful, and private conversations with any of them. Any contact with them in a personal way, always seems to backfire for you.

If you instead choose not to get drawn into, or become part of the family drama, including conversations with your mother/grandmother/aunts/cousins, etc. and learn to walk away, you set a boundary for yourself. You are old enough to know how to make a decision not to be involved, and instead say, "I'm not going to get drawn into this again", and simply walk away. They will all get the point eventually that you do not wish to be involved in, or the mediator for, the relationships they have amongst themselves.

You cannot fix family problems, and their combined history should tell you that none of them can fix yours either.

While you are under your parents' roof, you may not have the freedom you want and need to develop friendships, and more appropriately deal with problems with others around the same age who can at least listen without throwing a couple of generations worth of emotion in your face.

Your needs have to be met in other ways, until you are out of the house. I presume you have a cell phone- call a girlfriend and talk. If you are still in school, see the school counsellor for help in dealing with this. You are old enough to start the process of becoming independent.

And what that means is, you learn how to separate your life, from your parents' life, and all the lives of your relatives that have been so far, able to involve you far more than you should be in all of their problems. They are not solutions for how you feel, or why, they are not able to help, and truly listen without taking confidential information from you, to feed these ongoing feuds.

It is up to you to make decisions and changes about your own life. It is also up to you to realize that relatives, like anybody else, do not have special skills or rule books on how to behave appropriately with family members.

The only person that can change anything, is you.

[Michael18]

Responses:

@joypulv

I'm sorry it was too long for your liking. I write down what I need to in order to clearly express myself and the situation at hand.

Yes, I am just about half way to twenty years old and still live at home, I've spent the last summer looking for jobs and there seems to be a seasonal job opening and I may be hired very soon. I have a car too, and have been gaining a lot of driving experience this summer to the point where I will get my license very soon as well.

I can't get away and take a break from my parents due to certain circumstances, and not being employed yet either.

My mother has fought ovarian cancer for five years now. She had a full hysterectomy, both her breasts removed due to the danger of cancer developing and has a been fighting cancerous brain tumors for two years now with a few chemotherapy treatments that were quite radical compared to others. Had brain surgery for a one and a half inch tumor, and has had a few brain radiation treatments that target only her five to unknown small brain tumors directly (not whole brain radiation).

I don't want my mom (and dad) to have hurt feelings anymore, but nothing that I do helps.

My relatives and parents don't get along ever since they expressed their ill opinions to my parents. My parents and I get along but we don't get along when it comes to arguments and disagreements because they make accusatory statements and internalize what everyone else think about them to the point to where it's unhealthy. They will start to patronize me saying that I "always talk crap" about them, and that they know I "will talk crap" about them.

It's gotten to the point that they beat themselves up in the respect that they constantly say that they "must have been crappy parents in order for you (me) to say all those bad things about them."

They have no trust in me now because of what they think.

Because of everything, I don't express my emotions and talk to them freely about it because I know that they will just turn it against me.

Just recently we got bad news about my mothers health, my parents and I just had an argument before that. My mom had just accused me that I would talk crap about them, so I couldn't pull my heart out at that time. Because of that they said that I was "cold" and I "didn't care."

They are hurt because of what they think I think about them, and what our relatives think about them. I'm just as hurt too, but they don't necessarily recognize that.

I'm trying my best to let it go and move on, but it does make it hard when anything I do or say can open it all back up and make my parents make more accusations and go through the rounds again.

If we're the Montagues and my relatives are the Capulets, my parents treat me like a Capulet because they think I have their same opinions.

Because my parents can't let it go/settle it by talking to my relatives, they always try to talk about it with me. When I reassure them that I never said anything bad and I don't think they're bad, it's met with them not believing me and chewing me out that I did or will say more bad things.

I know who I am and don't care what other people think I should have done, or should do, because I know what I like. My parents care about it so much they internalize it, and it hurts them. They think that I did/do care and complained that I never got to do something because they never made me, which isn't the case. They get their feelings hurt and direct their feelings towards me.

@Jake2008

You're right, I have learned the hard way. Talking to relatives about anything personal, or anything that happens with my parents and I, causes strife. My parents told me that, and keep telling me that every single time things get brought back up or whenever they think I will say things about them to anyone.

I have since stopped talking about anything personal to any of my relatives, or my parents. But I do talk to my very close friends.

They don't want me to talk about anything to anyone. My parents worry so much what others think about them that they didn't even want me to talk to my school counselor when I was in school or my friends. They said I was just "talking crap" about them to my counselor and that I should only talk to them when I have a problem with them. 

They are so caught up in themselves and what people think about them that they ignore my thoughts and feelings all-together.

They told me that they "can't look anybody in the eye" that I spend time with because they always think I talk crap about them.

They think that those people will think negative things about them and then they try to disconnect themselves with those people.

Can you imagine what this has done to my social life? They don't want my best friend to come over because of their fear of what they think of them, so I have resorted to only going over to their house because they can't come over.

I can't talk with them because they don't respect my feelings about any situation that involves them, all they do is argue that I'm in the wrong and then slap their own feelings on me because they always think they're in the right.

If you read my message to joypulv, you know that I'm trying my hardest to become independent.

[Jake2008]

There are some people who, fortunately, have a family member who is older, trusted, and wise. Confidential information, particularly around family, isn't shared, or used as a weapon to stab a person in the back, and cause far more trouble than there was before the conversation took place. People like that, are users.

I see people who mix things up like that in the workplace, in other families, and in other relationships. Pitting one against the other to satisfy a need to 'win', prove a point, and crush people. They are manipulative and self serving.

The problem is, when they are trusted to be 'helping', you never expect the consequences of their true goal, and when personal information is subsequently shared, the consequences are devastating.

I think its also true that in your circumstances, it likely wouldn't matter what you actually said, even their impressions of you like saying you're cold, or you don't care, have no basis in fact, and you are equally affected because even that is used against you in this family war.

Added to all of that are the physical and resulting emotional and psychological fallout of all your mother's problems. Her hurt, confusion, anger, frustration etc. over what she has faced, and what she is still yet to face, has to come out somewhere. And who do we hurt the most? Always the ones we love.

I suspect that even prior to the cancer, she was not exactly a Leave it to Beaver type of mother. Her behavior toward you now, is probably similar to what it has always been, but with more intensity because of her health issues.

That being said, I'm glad you have a girlfriend to talk to. Having someone outside the family to simply listen is a great help in easing the burden. But, you still carry a heavy load.

At your age right now, you don't have the option of simply moving out and being able to provide for yourself. So, what to do is the question.

I would advise you to seek counselling again. Think of yourself as independent in that regard. A decision you make only for yourself, for yourself, that you do not need anybody else to know, or offer an opinion on. Make a commitment to go for a minimum of six appointments. Learn from that experience how to better prepare yourself emotionally, and understand, just what you can, and cannot do, and develop a plan on how to cope.

Keep a journal and every day, write your thoughts out. Address negative thoughts and behaviour that comes your way by writing it out. Responding this way is one way to deal with it, instead of having to simply cope, or allow the negativity to keep piling up. Isolate the incident, no matter what it is, or the thought, or the mood, and deal directly with it by writing it out.

Do something physical, even though you are not inclinded toward sports. Schedule yourself to walk a mile, three times a week. If there is a shelter near you, volunteer to be a dog walker. If you are near a local Y, go for a swim, or take a fitness class, ride a stationary bike for 1/2 an hour. Anything that you like to do your yourself; change your routine.

Start thinking about life as it will be, in just a few years, when you are out on your own. What are you thinking your life will be like. What will you want to do, live, enjoy, learn etc. Figure out your short term goals in other words, and then start thinking bigger.

While you may not actually be close enough to physically realize your goals, you can plan, and begin to build the other life you will accomplish, in the not too distant future.

Put yourself in that place where you will make a life for yourself, independent and strong on your own, and finally separate and distinct from where you came from. Make where you want to go, bigger than where you are now. What is now, is only temporary, what will be, is what you make happen on your own.

It is hard to break old habits, and develop a place emotionally, where you see and accept that family, and parents, have a negative influence on you, and truly see them as people too. It isn't easy to look at your mother and accept her simply as a person in her own right (not as a mother)who has, for whatever reasons she chose, to treat you badly. It does not mean that you are doomed to follow in her footsteps, because she is your mother.

Love the good parts, but use the bad parts as lessons learned in how you don't want to be in your own life. In so doing, the hardships you will face as you do get out in the world on your own, won't be blamed on somebody else i.e. your family or your mother. Accept that you are independent, and different, and will not fall into familiar traps as a way of coping, or living, and won't play the blame game. Only you can shape your future.

Maybe some of the plusses right now are that you can honestly see how the lives of everyone in your family has affected you. That's a good thing to identify now, instead of 30 years from now, with two divorces and six kids and a mountain of debt, all of which were caused by a lousy childhood. An easy trap to fall into that is quite familiar and common.

I hope that you find positive ways to learn, and counselling will help. And in the end, anything positive you do for you and only you, will reap far more satisfaction and personal reward, than anything that has gone on, and continues to go on, at home.

[joypulv]

One other thing I meant to say: at some point hold your mother and tell you that you love her.
I don't know if she is going to survive from what you are saying, but when we lose the ones we love to death, it's often the last moments that carry us. It's nice if you can have that little shrine in your heart of a good moment. It's nice NOT to have fresh memories of angry moments, which can hound you for life.

And I was too hasty to say you should move out. I'm sure you are needed at home, and appreciated too, even if you don't hear it.

[Michael18]

@Jake2008

I now realize how manipulative my relatives were, and that me talking to them did reap devastating consequences.

What's happening with my mom most likely is part the reason they've acted this way towards me.

My mom, or dad, actually never were like this until now. My mom and I were as close as close could be and because she has been a stay at home mom, her happiness came from making me happy. Granted I was younger then and they had all the control so they didn't have anything to be upset about with me, but she actually was a leave-it-to-beaver mom in a sense, what has happened changed my mom and dad.

I think part of the situation is that they are fighting for control because I'm not independent yet even though I am nineteen and a half years old. You know how the saying goes: "parents will be parents no matter how old you become."

I actually just had an awful experience with my previous girlfriend just a few months ago. She was disrespectful towards me and acted immaturely, and I must admit I did have my moments of immaturity as well in the relationship (her being 16 and me being 18 we were two years apart) and it ended with me breaking up with her because she wasn't "feeling it" anymore. My now ex-girlfriend said some pretty nasty things to my family members after I broke up with her. I wanted to be friends, but after that, I never spoke to her again. My ex actually thought that I owed it to her to tell her my reason for breaking up with her even though I had already told her my reasoning and how bad she treated me. No matter what I did she didn't show any gratitude. I would do things for her and show her affection, but it was never reciprocated or equal. I now know she was a feminist. (I actually just posted about my ex-girlfriend in the dating category so I won't ramble on about that in the parenting category.)

My best friend and I actually plan on raising money to be able to produce techno music and DJ together for our future. Later, I want to become the world best chef. I have my whole life planned ahead of me, which is really nice because I can work towards things I want to do.

I will write everything that happens out in order to keep it clear in my mind to help deal with it. Ever since I started to write everything down I have been feeling better, such as my question I have already written down.

I will make sure to go to counseling when I can, as to where it will have total discretion from my parents and relatives.

You are the first person to 'hit the nail on the head' for my situation. Thank you very much.

@joypulv

I will make sure to do that. =]

The doctors said the next step for my mom would have to be full brain radiation if she has to have another treatment. It has the possible symptoms of permanent memory loss, speech problems and onset dementia.