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ConfusedGirl87 · May 29, 2011, 09:04 AM

When I met my boyfriend we weren't dating yet but we were instigating sex with one another. However he struggled to get an erection or maintain it. It used to bother me but I was adamant that it would get better. It took about 7 months before it actually started working out. Then we would go have sex every weekend sometimes more than once. It was fun!

He started taking medication for it and this helped a lot. So we were together for two and a half years and then I moved in with him to his place that he was renting. We wouldn't have as much sex anymore and his problems were coming back. By now I am very in love with him and he is like my best friend and we had started our own little life together. By the third year of dating we have bought a place together... now it is 3 months since we are living in this new place and we hardly have sex because he can't get it up and if we do have sex it lasts one minute so only he is pleased. We have fought so much about this and he went to the doctor and the doctor told him that the blood tests came back fine. He says he is still taking his other medicine but he still can't get it up.

I am becoming very frustrated and within these three years I have lost all self confidence. I don't want to be touched because I am worried he won't get it up or maintain his erection. We cry and fight over this so much and now we live together and can't just break up. My family would be so upset with me and everybody (friends, family) love my boyfriend and think I am so lucky. I am lucky because he is a good person and treats me right but the sex is ruining us and I don't think I can be with someone with this problem forever? Am I selfish?

LibbieLonglife · May 29, 2011, 10:21 AM

I'm not a professional, but it seems like you love each other, so that's a great start!

I think a part of the problem is, that you both consider this as a problem. Therefor you are both stressed out by even thinking about sex. So naturally it doesn't happen anymore. Nobody is turned on when they're worried about 'performing', when they're stressed out instead of being relaxed.

I think another part of the problem is that you only fight about sex, and don't talk about it. Try to talk about what turns you on, how you like to be touched,. Don't talk about what doesn't work, talk about what does work.

You might try this: agree not to have sex for, let's say a month. And make some time to be together at least one night a week. Create a relaxing environment (candles,. ) and try to enjoy eachothers bodies without having sex (hug, kiss, touch, caress, lick,. ). Take your time to discover what he likes, what you like, and how you can be intimite without the obligation of 'having sex'.

ConfusedGirl87 · May 29, 2011, 10:48 AM

Thanks. I have tried to make it more fun and just try forget about the worries but then he finishes in like one minute and I am left sad again. :(

Thanks for your advice I can try again. I do love him and he loves me very much. But this may just ruin us :(

ConfusedGirl87 · May 29, 2011, 10:53 AM

Also he never instigates sex anymore and I do and try make it like I am not thinking anything bad is going to happen and I touch him and kiss him etc and it just stays soft. There is only so much I can do. I know I said we fight about it but we also do talk, but only if I bring it up and I tell him that and he admits it but he still doesn't bring it up. Also when he does realise he isn't going to get an erection he just tries to act uninterested in sex?

BTW, I am 24 and he is 28 and I am worried I am too young to have to deal with this now. Am I wrong

Fr_Chuck · May 29, 2011, 11:02 AM

Once a man has issues having or holding an erection and they know it upsets their partner, is it is common for them to stop trying, so yes that is normal for him to stop being the one to try and start.

Next is he still taking medication for the erection, and if so, what type. Has he been going regular to the doctor for the issue.

Next, lets say he can never have an erection again, that does not mean there can not be closeness, other forms of sexual satisfaction

ConfusedGirl87 · May 29, 2011, 11:05 AM

I can't remember what medication but its not prescription medicine, the doctor said there is nothing wrong in his blood tests? So he just takes tablets for energy that you can get over the counter and help with blood circulation.

Yes there are other ways to be sexually satisfied but I don't really think I am OK with that. I am not OK with not having sex with someone I love. I don't want to end up marrying someone I can't have sex with. Maybe if we were now 50 years old it would be a different story.

JudyKayTee · May 29, 2011, 01:26 PM

Originally Posted by ConfusedGirl87

I can't remember what medication but its not prescription medicine, the doctor said there is nothing wrong in his blood tests? So he just takes tablets for energy that you can get over the counter and help with blood circulation.

Yes there are other ways to be sexually satisfied but I don't really think I am ok with that. I am not ok with not having sex with someone I love. I don't want to end up marrying someone I can't have sex with. Maybe if we were now 50 years old it would be a different story.

Hmm - people who are 50 don't have sex... or don't want to have sex? Interesting "fact." I'll have to poll the board on this one.

My thought? The more you pressure him, put pressure on him, the more anxious he becomes. And, yes, over the counter drugs can and do affect sexual performance in both men and women. Has he asked his Pharmacist about side effects?

I think you would do him a favor if you would bow out of the relationship now. Perhaps this is a recurring problem, you can't live without intercourse (which I am substituting in the place of your use of the word "sex"), and the relationship is doomed if the problem is recurring.

A lot of people can't have intercourse for one reason or another. You don't want a substitute. He can't perform with you. Do him a favor and leave.

ConfusedGirl87 · May 29, 2011, 01:32 PM

Not about 50 year old people not having sex. What I meant is that by that time we would have had our fair share already and accepting that he can't have INTERCOURSE would be much easier because we would have shared a long life together already. However being so young I am saying I am not sure I feel it is fair to have to never ever experience it properly with someone.

Are you telling me that you would not be upset if it were you in this position? Of course I feel upset and expect him to perform and I obviously know a relationship isn't just about sex and chances are I can find another boyfriend who would be great in bed but wouldn't be as nice or caring in other ways like my boyfriend now. I know this, but fact is everybody wants to feel desired and sexy and I am just not sure how to handle this.

Wondergirl · May 29, 2011, 01:36 PM

Originally Posted by ConfusedGirl87

Not about 50 year old people not having sex. What I meant is that by that time we would have had our fair share already and accepting that he can't have INTERCOURSE would be much easier because we would have shared a long life together already.

Wow! I won't touch this comment at all!

Of course I feel upset and expect him to perform

What if YOU were the one who couldn't perform in bed? What would you suggest the guy do?

ConfusedGirl87 · May 29, 2011, 01:38 PM

I don't understand how you think I am being insensitive to not want to share a healthy sex life with someone I love and think I am wrong to be upset about this?

Wondergirl · May 29, 2011, 01:41 PM

Originally Posted by ConfusedGirl87

I dont understand how you think I am being insensitive to not want to share a healthy sex life with someone I love and think I am wrong to be upset about this?

I don't understand how you think we are being insensitive to you. Please leave him so he can find a loving partner who is willing to work with what he has to offer. There's a lot more to love and a relationship than intercourse.

ConfusedGirl87 · May 29, 2011, 01:47 PM

Then why don't you offer advice on how I can be that woman instead of assuming I don't want to be that woman. If I didn't care or love him enough I don't think I would have accepted it at all but I have been trying to work on it and perhaps what you don't understand is that he is the one who doesn't sort it out unless I really ask him too.

Wondergirl · May 29, 2011, 01:51 PM

Originally Posted by ConfusedGirl87

Then why dont you offer advice on how I can be that woman

What if you never had intercourse with him ever again? What would you say or do along the way? Would you feel neglected and even spurned?

ConfusedGirl87 · May 29, 2011, 01:51 PM

He assumes it is OK that we don't have any sexual intercourse or any other form of sex and only when I say to him it is an issue then he agrees and then maybe will go to the doctor or try to remember to take his medicine and if not then it just doesn't get mentioned again and I don't get touched again and if I touch him then he just turns away or sleeps.

JudyKayTee · May 29, 2011, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by ConfusedGirl87

Then why dont you offer advice on how I can be that woman instead of assuming I don't want to be that woman. If I didn't care or love him enough I don't think I would have accepted it at all but I have been trying to work on it and perhaps what you dont understand is that he is the one who doesnt sort it out unless I really ask him too.

Please don't even attempt to direct who will answer and in what manner. You are the insensitive one - I am amused by your initial "people over 50 don't need to have sex comment" which is followed by an even worse comment that "people over 50 aren't looking for intercourse because they've already had enough." You are the insensitive person.

How you can be what woman? You either are loving and caring no matter what his physical problems are or you are not. Nothing I can say is going to change that in you.

I wouldn't want to "sort it out" if I had a physical problem and had to listen to you harping on it on a regular basis.

Do him a favor - you're going to leave him at some point when he can't perform to your satisfaction. Do it sooner rather than later and let him find a loving, caring woman who puts his feelings before hers.

ConfusedGirl87 · May 29, 2011, 01:55 PM

Yes I would feel neglected and undesirable. Maybe you are a strong person and can deal with such things but I don't know anybody that wouldn't feel the way I do. Are you telling me it isn't natural to feel rejected and undesirable?

As for my actions... I don't want to hurt him or do anything I will regret. However regret can come in many ways in this situation and which is worse I don't know

Wondergirl · May 29, 2011, 01:55 PM

Originally Posted by ConfusedGirl87

when I say to him it is an issue

Don't make it an issue.

JudyKayTee · May 29, 2011, 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by ConfusedGirl87

Yes I would feel neglected and undesirable. Maybe you are a strong person and can deal with such things but I don't know anybody that wouldn't feel the way I do. Are you telling me it isn't natural to feel rejected and undesirable?

As for my actions... I don't want to hurt him or do anything I will regret. However regret can come in many ways in this situation and which is worse I don't know

Yes, I'm telling you it's not natural to feel rejected and undesirable because a man can't perform sexually to your standards.

My late husband was an invalid for 5 years.

Enough said.

Wondergirl · May 29, 2011, 02:02 PM

Originally Posted by ConfusedGirl87

Yes I would feel neglected and undesirable.

That's your choice to feel that way. You don't have to feel that way, by the way. Maybe YOU meet with a counselor?

As for my actions... I don't want to hurt him or do anything I will regret. However regret can come in many ways in this situation and which is worse I don't know

If you stay with him, I see a life ahead of you that's full of anger and hurt and regret because that's how you will choose to feel.

JudyKayTee · May 29, 2011, 02:04 PM

Originally Posted by ConfusedGirl87

how can it not be an issue? Do you not let ANYTHING bug you in your relationships?

@ Judy Kay, clearly you just feel the need to be mean to people who are facing issues in their life. I appreciate a response but perhaps you could be more tactical with your approach? I am sure you are a saint of a person and that is why you are on here attacking me as a bad person. Well done. Hope you feel much better

Perhaps it's your passive/aggressive side that's getting you into trouble with your boyfriend - ?

Never said I was a Saint. I'm flattered that you think I am. Very flattered, indeed. I feel just fine, by the way.

I wish you the same.

How tactical would you like me to be? He has a physical problem. All the nagging and complaining and criticizing and threats in the World are NOT going to change that. Maybe you've destroyed his masculinity and he's uncertain of his performance with you. Maybe it's something else.

My crystal ball isn't working very well.

I'm not the only person who suggested that it's time for you to formally leave. I think you're emotionally gone from the relationship as I write this.

I saw women who left their husbands during my late husband's illness. Why? The reasons varied from they couldn't bear to see him suffer to they couldn't take it to they didn't bargain for the life they were "stuck" with - to criticizing the husband because he was sick.

I didn't understand people who can't cope with medical problems then... and I don't understand them now.