[DMA]

I made some plans to meet a girl. Probably going to be in 5 days. It will be my first time meeting her in person. The problem is, she's cute, I like her. I'm going to be very awkward. I can see it already... me just siting there, not speaking, hardly moving even. Very awkward situation. Thinking "just say something.... anything at all...." but then nothing. Just blank. If they do the talking it is easier, otherwise it can so easily just be a VERY long silence.

Before we meet up, I'm already thinking about her a lot. In my head I can be confident and I'm thinking about lots of possibilities without any effort. Everything is working out well, like I can just look into her eyes, touch her hand, kiss her very intimately. I'm easily aroused, to the point of me feeling like I'm really not normal at all. OK so I am 23, but I can already see myself being that weirdo. The sexual deviant that is always totally alone and just admires girls from afar. Fantasizing about them both in detail and quantity that they have no idea about. Like having full intimate relationship with them in my head.

It's like I am torn. On one hand all I want to do is get inside her. Want to do the most intimate and personal things with her. But I don't think it shows at all and I don't know how to express it or even if I want to at all. It's like I have very good self control and restraint around girls. But in reality, I just don't have a choice because there is no other way I know how to act.

But then on the other hand, I really want to build up relationship, talk to the girl, get to know her, hold her hand, build it up like normal people do and like couples I see. This is the way I would want it if I could make it happen. On this hand, I'm not even that sex mad. Like to wait until I fall in love with her before having sex would be amazing. But then in this case I don't know what to do because as I said before, it's like I can't even talk. So awkward (around girls I like when I am doing my best to just be relaxed and have a chat) that I regret even making the effort because it seems so futile and I hate myself a little bit more.


I know I'm messed up and weird. I'm probably going to be spending the rest of my life by alone which may not be that long if I'm going to kill myself (but let's not get into that right now). I need to know the extent of how screwed up and weird I am. Is there anything I can do or try?

[amythystdark]

Hey... I am like that too... but I am a girl and, well... I am awkard around guys... I can't look a guy in the eyes though because well I am an extreme perv I am not 23 but 16... yes I am young, but a perv... in my view I don't see you as a huge wierdo... because every guy thinks about sex... so you're prety normal... and to me you seem normal... because I like quiet guys .but I would be nice if you talked to the girl you have feelings for so she would know... go on a date, take it slow... ☺