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lisak1963 · Apr 16, 2011, 05:32 PM

My boyfriend and I have dabbled in the swinger lifestyle, mainly just watching or being watched at a sex club. Now he wants me to actually have sex with another guy while he watches. I am not interested. I feel like this is his long time fantasy and that I am depriving him of this. I love hime dearly, but I am defiently not the swinger type. Unless we are in this "lifestyle" he feels like our sex life is boring! Help what should I do?

DoulaLC · Apr 16, 2011, 06:01 PM

If you don't want to do it, don't do it. NEVER should you feel pressured into anything you are not interested in. You love him dearly, and it is admirable that you want him to be happy, but if he loved you he would not try to persuade you into something you aren't comfortable with.

That he feels your sex life is boring without the additional people is a concern on his part. It might be helpful to discuss with him what other fantasies the two of you can try that does not involve other people. If he just can't see it happening, you might have to consider whether this is a relationship you want to see yourself continuing.

Synnen · Apr 16, 2011, 06:32 PM

NEVER do something in bed you are not comfortable with.

Time to sit down and talk about where your lines are, and that they ARE lines--and not negotiable.

If he can't deal with that, then you are better off going your separate ways now, because one or the other of you will be full of resentment if you don't discuss this and determine together what you should do.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 16, 2011, 06:39 PM

I wonder what he would think if your dream was to watch him have sex with the black man ? Most likely not as thrilled

But as the others have said, no, don't ever do something you don't feel good about. While I think this type of life style is wrong and ruins a relastionship, those in it, have strict rules and the first is, never do anything you don't feel good about

CravenMorhead · Apr 17, 2011, 06:42 AM

The cuckold fantasy is a popular fantasy to have. Often the problem is that the reality of the fantasy doesn't live up to the fantasy and unforeseen thoughts and feelings arise as it is played out. Jealousy and realization of infidelity, even when said infidelity is approved of, can spell and start the doom of the relationship.

I don't think he has thought this through with his big head yet. It seems like something that is cool and he really wants it. Unfortunately he will be relentless until he gets his fantasy.

Don't cave into this fantasy just because you're married to him or because your want to be flexible in bed. If this is something you're not comfortable with then don't do it. It will cause resentment and possibility the beginning of the end for the relationship.

You do have several choices at this point.
1). If you have a fantasy that you consider "out there" you can use this to compromise. He gets to be cuckolded by a Black Man, and you get to start master/sub play where he is the sub. For Example.

2). This is probably what will go down. You sit him down in a non-confrontational and non-sexual atmosphere and tell him in no uncertain terms that the Cuckold fantasy is off the table. You love him, mind, body, and soul, and this is too much for you to endure. As well as to stop asking because your answer isn't going to change. Don't be vindictive upon him. Explain yourself in terms of yourself.

Good Luck.

martinizing2 · Apr 17, 2011, 10:29 AM

Great idea padre

martinizing2 · Apr 17, 2011, 10:44 AM

We all have fantasies.

A good lover will find these out and explore them with you.
A good lover that really cares about you would back off as
Soon as you said it was not something you wanted to do , especially
When bringing another person into your relationship is involved.

NEVER let anyone pressure you into anything of a sexual nature.
This can be a relationship killer very easily.
It seems to me that his pressuring you shows selfishness
And no foresight as to the psychological impact this could
Have on you now , or in the future.

My advice is emphasize you do not want to do this,
And you are not going to do this.
If he is still insistent , I would reevaluate the relationship

JudyKayTee · Apr 17, 2011, 11:19 AM

J_9 finds this helpful : This fantasy, played out, was the reason for my divorce over 20 years ago.

I laughed so hard I cried. Priceless!

JudyKayTee · Apr 17, 2011, 11:23 AM

Originally Posted by lisak1963

My boyfriend and I have dabbled in the swinger lifestyle, mainly just watching or being watched at a sex club. Now he wants me to actually have sex with another guy while he watches. I am not interested. I feel like this is his long time fantasy and that I am depriving him of this. I love hime dearly, but I am defiently not the swinger type. Unless we are in this "lifestyle" he feels like our sex life is boring!! Help what should I do??

I think if you have "dabbled" in the swinger lifestyle, watching or being watched at a club specifically for that purpose, you ARE the swinger type. Sorry. Just my opinion.

If you've gone from two people having sex to two people watching to two people being watched to requests that you have sex with another person while he watches I'd wonder what he's planning next. Livestock?

If you are "definitely not the swinger type" but you're already participating in a swinger lifestyle you are allowing him to use you and your body for his purposes. This isn't his fantasy; this is his request.

There's a difference.

I say get out of the relationship. I know that wasn't the question, but that is my advice.

Synnen · Apr 18, 2011, 05:37 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I think if you have "dabbled" in the swinger lifestyle, watching or being watched at a club specifically for that purpose, you are the swinger type. Sorry. just my opinion.

If you've gone from two people having sex to two people watching to two people being watched to requests that you have sex with another person while he watches I'd wonder what he's planning next. Livestock?
.

Just want to point out that watching and being watched IS "dabbling" in the swinger lifestyle. It's the start-off point most people use to determine whether the lifestyle is for them. The OP has dabbled---and determined it's not for her, which is fine.

ALSO want to point out that fetishes rarely cross over like you're suggesting. Swinging has NOTHING to do with bestiality. Suggesting that it would lead to it is like suggesting that oral sex leads to gang bangs. Not the same genre at all, and this fetish is very unlikely to lead there.

Either way, the answer still comes down to "If it makes you uncomfortable--DO NOT DO IT"

JudyKayTee · Apr 18, 2011, 07:43 AM

The "livestock" comment was flippant.

I still think he's using her.

Maybe it's a question of wording. I don't understand the "dabbling" part.

If I steal a car, I'm a car thief. If I "dabble" in alternative life styles/swinging it doesn't count as being a swinger.

People have posted before that they are male, have had sex with a male friend, but they are not gay. The answers have been along the lines of "If you had sex with another man you could be gay or you could be bisexual." There does not appear to be "dabbling" in that instance.

I don't see the difference. Maybe it's not all that black and white.

Synnen · Apr 18, 2011, 09:02 AM

If you try painting and decide you don't like it---are you dabbling or are you an artist?

Trying something doesn't make you part of a fetish group.

CravenMorhead · Apr 18, 2011, 09:39 AM

While we are splitting hairs here. I suppose it would be rude to point out that they haven't really dabbled in Swinging but voyeurism/exhibitionism. They might want to get further into the scene but it looks like that isn't the case.

As well a car thief can dabble at being a car thief. It is remarkably similar to dabbling in Swinging. It is something that you do on occasion but you are not committed to the practise as a primary means of income or sexual pleasure respectively. Does it make you a car thief? Yes. Does it make you a swinger? Yes. I think though that defining yourself as one or the other relies mostly on what you want to define yourself as.

Just as a car thief might not always be a car thief, a swinger might not always be a swinger.

It doesn't really change the situation to be honest. If you're not comfortable then don't do it. Say so and why. Either your husband accepts it or he doesn't. Go from there.

Handyman2007 · Apr 18, 2011, 02:49 PM

And look at this point- What if you do follow through with it and he becomes angry and upset? It's totally YOUR CALL. Do not do something that you are not comfortable with. If he can't be mature enough to respect your wishes then it is time to move on.

smoothy · Apr 20, 2011, 07:59 AM

On top of what everyone else said... he's still nothing more than a boyfriend. If he's going to do this now... what about if you ever do get married and it really has time to get repetitive and dull (assuming you both don't work to keep it fresh and exciting which you CAN do just between two people).

What if it escalates.

Don't ever do something you really don't want to do or even try yourself. That's the line that should never be crossed in any relationship. It has to be mutual and it has to be 100% at your AND their decision both... not just one or the other.