[rbnla]

My boyfriend and I have always had a very healthy sexual relationship. In fact, so much that I have always been willing to try new things and even do things that I would consider to be taboo.
I recently found out that he has been watching porn. My pain and anger comes from 1) He swore that I was all that he needed to fulfill his sexual desire and 2) He insisted that his belief is that watching porn while in a relationship is considered cheating; to use porn (other women) as a tool to masterbate for gratification when I am willing to complete his every fantasy.
Am I over-reacting by feeling hurt and betrayed by him for watching other women to pleasure himself?

[Wondergirl]

Yes, you are over-reacting.

Relief by masturbating is quick, fairly easy, and doesn't need input from anyone else. It's like having a turkey sandwich instead of Thanksgiving dinner.

[Enigma1999]

My boyfriend and I have always had a very healthy sexual relationship. In fact, so much that I have always been willing to try new things and even do things that I would consider to be taboo.
I recently found out that he has been watching porn. My pain and anger comes from 1) He swore that I was all that he needed to fullfill his sexual desire and 2) He insisted that his belief is that watching porn while in a relationship is considered cheating; to use porn (other women) as a tool to masterbate for gratification when I am willing to complete his every fantasy.
Am I over-reacting by feeling hurt and betrayed by him for watching other women to pleasure himself?

Just because he is watching porn doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you or the relationship...

I think you need to try and relax.

Have you ever considered watching porn with him?

[Cat1864]

I recently found out that he has been watching porn. My pain and anger comes from 1) He swore that I was all that he needed to fullfill his sexual desire and 2) He insisted that his belief is that watching porn while in a relationship is considered cheating; to use porn (other women) as a tool to masterbate for gratification when I am willing to complete his every fantasy.
Am I over-reacting by feeling hurt and betrayed by him for watching other women to pleasure himself?

If he hadn't made those statements, I would say that you were over-reacting. However, I don't think it is the porn you are reacting to as much as his breaking a trust and changing his stated view. Did you consider viewing porn the same as cheating before he made that declaration? Do you feel that way now?

Why did he say those things? Was it because he knew that porn upset you or you were against it and it was a way to keep the peace or not lose you? Was it because at the time that was what he truly believed?

IF he said those things to appease your beliefs, then he made a major mistake. He should have been honest from the beginning or from the point where his view point changed.

Porn is not about you or what you do or don't do. Porn is about quick relief or entertainment. In some cases it can be an aid to arousal for couples or pressure relief when there are reasons for not having sex with a partner such as health or being apart for awhile. It can also be place to get ideas or realize that a fantasy probably wouldn't work in real life. Porn is a tool.

I think you need to take a deep breath and relax, then set up a time to talk with him about what is apparently a change of belief and behavior as far as you are concerned. No blame. No accusations. Just getting the truth out on the table and deciding on a compromise from there.

If you love him and think that the trust can be rebuilt, work together with the understanding that he will look and will masturbate. It is actually healthy for both of you. Fantasy is a wonderful way to explore what your likes and dislikes are and where your limits are.

IF you don't trust him and/or are not willing to work with him, then you both need to move on instead of hurting each other by trying to make each other change.

Don't be surprised if he admits that he has always looked at porn/erotica. You probably do too. Most people do whether they realize it or not. How else do you get ideas if something doesn't trigger the thought?

[smoothy]

I'll pretty much say what the others have said... He's a guy, he has a right to watch his porn (as long as its not kiddy porn). Just as you have the right to watch Brad Pitt Movies or any chic flick.

Learn to get over it... watching porn is NOT the same as cheating.

If you expect him to bow to every demand you make... you better be prepared to give up your own free will and bow to his every demand.


Now if you see how crazy that seems... good. Because a relationship isn't made good by intimidating and demanding anything from your partner. Its about accepting and giving.

Other than that you do actually have what appears to be a fairly good and open attitude... please don't destroy it by being selfish and controlling. That's never a good or attractive personality trait to have.

Work on positive self esteme. If you can't feel good about yourself, nothing anyone else can say or do will change it.

[Clemintine]

I think it's reasonable to feel hurt because he lied to you when you asked for his honest opinion about porn. I get why you'd be hurt by him watching porn itself, but honestly every guy does... watch/read or fantasize and masturbate in the end. A guy when he masturbates (and this can go for chicks too) is relaxing as much as possible, your giving yourself a bit of pleasure for yourself only. Think of it like this... there is no pressure or standards to live up to when you masturbate, it's all your own thing and you get to be totally selfish and indulge. I think that's fine, I don't think it's cool he told you those things then went behind your back about it, why would he lie? Maybe in past relationships he has been hassled about it so much that he decided this would be the safer route to follow... obviously not since lying to your loved one is not really a good thing.
So it is reasonable your feeling hurt, because he lied to you and sort of damaged your trust. I think it's a good idea to express this to him and ask why he would lie about it, don't let yourself push it away and resent him later...
I'm basically repeating what Cat1864 advised you with haha, but I agree it's probably why you're most upset is the trust broken... and a good chat together should help :3 Goodluck

[Cat1864]

rbnla, please review these rules for using the rating/comment system: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html. We try to limit Disagrees/Not helpful to extremely harmful or dangerous advice. Differences of opinions should be discussed in posts in the thread.

rbnla does not find this helpful : I don't make demands. I don't know why he made a point of telling me HIS viewpoint if he was going to engage in the activity to begin with. How is porn in any way the same as a chic flick, BTW?

Only he can tell you why he said what he did. He may have believed it when he said it or he may have thought it was a way to get and keep a relationship with you. Talk with him.

For some people, 'chick flicks' are a form of erotica. They are just more mainstream or socially acceptable to view and discuss than 'porn' is. Both are entertainment. Both can be used to get aroused. 'Chick flicks' tend to be character and story driven. More geared to building a full fantasy. 'Porn' tends to be geared more toward the act than what leads up to the act. It is more direct, however, both have their places.

[smoothy]

Porn for men are EXACTLY the same as what chick flicks and romance novels are to women.

If you can't separate real from what's on a screen... then you have to take a long hard look at yourself.

If it was him on this thread getting bent out of shape over you ogling over Brad Pitt or George Clooney. I would offer the very same advice to him.

Guys do NOT have the same thought processes as women. Guys are visually oriented... and its always been that way. Women get their stimulation in other ways.

I see HUGE problems when EITHER the man or the woman demands that their partner give something up because they don't have the self esteem to know real from fantasy. Or to accept the fact that others have fantasies as well... not just themselves.

It IS a two way street. And controlling behavior IS a form of abuse. And yes, men or women can be guilty of it. Browse through this site long enough and you will see numerous examples of either gender doing it.

Want to build resentment... then make them do anything they don't want to do. YOU will get it back in spades. If nobody is fooling around with someone else... in any interactive fashion, then no harm is being done unless that is ALL they manage to get done.

There is no betrayal because he looked at a naked body any more than you ogling over (fill in a male actors name here) in a movie.

Feeling there is indicates insecurity in ones self... and insecurity is an example of low self esteem.

You CAN have that and have a high sex drive... as well as being adventurous. Being one does not exclude any of the others.

Now don't read that to be a negative comment directed at you. Quite the contrary in fact. If you can recognize and address your own insecurity, with your eagerness, adventurousness and high drive you really have the makings of a life partner many men would be proud to have.

[88sunflower]

I look at this in a couple ways. From my experience "we" watched porn together. We role played the movies and we had fun. It was great.

We get a computer, he surfs internet porn over and over. At first not an issue. Issue starts when the lies start. If I don't care your doing it then why lie? My problems were the lies not the porn. I feel he felt ashamed which in turn caused the lies.

Which is bothering you more the porn or the lies? I understand the feeling of having to compete with how those girls look and act. But remember, its acting. Truly its acting.

If you keep your mind open you will get over this and keep a healthy sexual relationship. Why not perform for him and let him watch? Meaning with toys or whatever your comfortable with. Try to make light of it and enjoy it together. If it's the lies then you need to open that communication with him and explain that part of it him.

[babe23]

Hey I am dealing with a similar situation, and no you are not over reacting, I feel slightly hurt buy the fact that my fiancé watches porn, he looks at girls who are skinnier and have bigger boobs than I do and he wonders why I have body image issues, he tells me I'm all he needs and I will do pretty much anything he wants or at least talk about it, I asked my fiancé about it and he said there is nothing else to do at 6am when he gets up for work, I gave him some ideas and one was staying in bed for longer and he did this morning but I got up and he had watched more porn, I think you should talk to him about it explain it hurts you, but don't yell or get mad just talk, I hope it goes better than mine did

[tisadeanne]

Because he likes a little strange ever once in a while like his hand.