[jennieuk]

My 28 year old daughter recently moved to another country and has now settled with a boyfriend and baby on the way. We were very close but I found her to be resentful of me and we would sometimes fight when she accused me of not being a good enough mother. Her father was violent and used to beat me up whilst I was pregnant , when I was overdue with her and whilst breasfeeding her and till the age she was two after which we split. He continued to see her and I would try my best to get him to see her despite his violence. By the age she was 7 he just didn't bother with her anymore. But they started to see each other when she was thirteen. When she was fourteen he pinned her to the ground and beat her face black and blue. I never knew what was the right thing to do I was told by professionals it was better for her to see her dad, but after the beating he disappeared out of her lfe for three years. Since they started to see each other when she was 17 , she has been more and more resentful of me and accused me of not letting her see her father , which is so untrue. She hardly talks to me at all now and when we do see each other she is angry at me over any small thing and criticises me. She is all I have in the world and feel utterly lost and heart broken. If I tell her the truth about her father it will hurt her even more so I feel I must suffer in silence.

[tickle]

He beat her black and blue, after pinning her to the ground when she was 14; then at l7 she started seeing him again. I find this unbelievable. Sometimes there is a limit to unconditional love and even a young girl can figure out that violence should not be propogated under any circumstances. She accused you of not letting her see her father after a beating like that ! Where is she coming from anyway.

What do you mean 'if you tell her the truth about her father'? Where was she while he was beating her up.

No, something is not adding up here. This does not sound right.

Sounds like she is distancing herself because she has a very guilty conscience about laying the blame on the wrong party. Don't even try to mend fences right now. Distance yourself from her with no contact until she comes to her senses. She is comfortable with a partner, a baby coming and living in a new place far from her worries, but she will have a lot of time to think about it while she is expecting.

Tick

[jennieuk]

Im not sure if you are saying that I am not telling the truth here ?

[joypulv]

Many (most?) children of estranged parents blame one for keeping them away from the other.

At 28 and in another country, she is possibly distancing herself emotionally because it is what she needs to do in order to cope without you.

I'm not so sure that you should have sugar coated her father after a certain age, perhaps around 18. You can tell her, but I would wait until you see her in person. Of course she may choose to not believe you, and even accuse you of lying. I'd wait. She may need you if her relationship with her boyfriend is in trouble.

[J_9]

From reading what you wrote, did you turn him into the police when he did this to your daughter?

She may be resentful because you allowed the abuse to occur.

It may be best to seek counseling and let her know that you are, and ask her to go with you.

[J_9]

I'm not so sure that you should have sugar coated her father after a certain age, perhaps around 18.

Sugar coating should never happen. The truth is always the best way to go. Age appropriate of course.

[jennieuk]

The assault when she was fourteen is the only violent memory she has of her father( as far as I am aware) which she forgives him for, she does not consciously know about the violence when she was a baby. When she saw him at seventeen her father told her that I was to blame for her not seeing her father The court ordered that he have week end access to her when I sought a separation and this is how she came to be assaulted. If I tell her about how he treated us both when I was pregnant and she was tiny I think she will despise me for it.

[jennieuk]

Yes I did call the police but even though they saw how badly beaten she was they said they generally didn't follow up domestic cases, I wanted to pursue it but her father disappearedout of the country after that and could not be traced.

She has been to a lot of counselling and was very depressed, she seems happier now that she has removed herself from the country and from me and so I feel she may be at the best place she has been in a long time, new life new baby, I feel am left behind with the pain but that at least if she is OK she can move on.

[jennieuk]

You are very kind to take the time to answer. If I thought she was OK I could try to accept her distancing from me if it was the best thing for her, I still feel so alone and so upset that I am the one who has to take the blame, I will tell her the truth when the time is right, thank you

[tickle]

Im not sure if you are saying that i am not telling the truth here ?

Nothing of the kind. (If I had thought that I would have come right out said it)I meant there is probably more to the story then you are telling. As is the case here, little bits of new information are let go after the original post.

I just can't believe your daughter's attitude toward her father beating her up and still wanting contact with him.

Tick

[jennieuk]

I understand where you are coming from in that I can't ultimately bear all the responsibility for it but it isn't her fault either, she loves her father regardless . I was so worried when she was seventeen onwards because I felt he was playing with her or might become violent towards her, now she is older I feel that violence is not a threat butnow an unspoken subtle violence against our mother daughter relationship replaced the overt violence and is still playing out.

I feel I have suffered the biggest loss of my life and don't really feel life is worth living if my daughter remains so distanced, yet must try to keep smiling and pretend all is well and that I am getting on with things, perhaps when I talk to her it might resolve some of the issues, but now I feel somewhat resentful towards her because I have endured her resentment for so long

[JudyKayTee]

Her father beat her black and blue and the Police weren't interested?

I have a problem with that.

[jennieuk]

It was rural Ireland 14 years ago, it wasn't a place where victims could speak up , believe me .

[Jake2008]

She is 28 years old. Time to let her make her own decisions on how to live her own life.

You going back in time and proving to her what her father was/is really like, will not change the fact that she is making her own decisions, as she should, with how to live her life.

Regardless of the mistakes you made as a mother, or regardless of who her father is, it all adds up to, there is not a damn thing you can do about it.

You could provide an entire history of her life full of facts, complete with pictures, and memories to prove that you are worthy of a little consideration and a relationship now, with her as an adult. You could also prove similarly, that she's wrong to have a relationship with her father, while shutting you out.

None of it matters, because she is an adult, and sees her world the way she sees her world.

I would keep in touch, after you learn to let the guilt subside, (your feelings of distress over her keeping you out of her life make no difference to her obviously), and once a week, send a quick email to ask her how she's doing. No guilt trips, just a simple how is your life NOW, how's the pregnancy going, etc. No reference to the past.

She will soon be a mother herself, and while she may have forgiven her father for his abuse, she will begin to remember more of his history, and question if he should be trusted enough to be in his grandbaby's life. It is far better, in other words, for her to come to certain realizations herself, including that you could be right about him, her life, your life, and how things were while she was growing up.

To push now, will only drive her further away. Allow her to come to terms with her own history, no matter how wrong you think it is. If a relationship will ever happen again between the two of you, it won't be because you proved her wrong.

[jennieuk]

Thank you for your answer, but am still not sure what's best... someone I know recently discovered a part of the history about her parent that explained a great deal, she told me that she suddenly saw her parent in a completely different light and the pain of resenting that parent fell away to understanding, she was able to spend the remaining time enjoying that relationship, she spent many years wondering about secrets and things kept hidden from her she became very depressed before counselling helped her to get to the truth she did feel resentment for not being told in the first place.

[DoulaLC]

She's 28, I think she should know why you made the decisions that you did. There is little point in allowing her to continue to believe the untruths her father has told her and thus her becoming resentful to you.

You don't need to go into great detail, but she should be made aware of the history of abuse and your decisions to keep her safe. Let her know that the police were contacted when her father beat her.

Acknowledge her love for her father, but that you now resent the fact that his dishonesty in why she did not see more of him while growing up, has caused her to treat you in such a way.

Do you know if there were reasons for the abuse... alcohol abuse, financial stress, mental health concerns, his upbringing, for example? If so, let her be aware of that as well.

Let her know that you love her and would never do anything intentionally to hurt her or to cause her to be angry with her father, as you hoped that one day they would have a relationship, and that is why you never said anything before.

Then it would be up to her to decide how she wants to proceed, but at least she would be able to do so with full knowledge of the circumstances of her upbringing.

[Jake2008]

That's a very good point you've made. Sometimes to know the history, helps to solve a lot of unanswered questions.

But, the person receiving the information has to be ready for it. That's what I was saying, that, she is not receptive to information, and no amount of information, no matter how correct, will be effective right now.

And, I fear that a lot of what you are feeling, is guilt, and remorse. Believe me, I understand that only too well. But, what happens I think, is that, it is the thoughts of trying to figure out how to change, and fix things, and the never ending cycle it presents, that keeps you feeling this way. No matter how you torture yourself to come up with answers right now, you will only feed into that place, where you won't find peace within yourself.

Try to stick to the facts. She is 28, pregnant, living (I presume) a happy life. She likely has friends, keeps busy with day to day things, and is learning to adjust to life and customs in another country. She is not concerned with how much you worry and stew, nor is she relenting on her distance stance with you, even a little bit. She is not entertaining, in any way, in engagine in contact, or asking for explanations, nor is she wanting to clear the air, and repair her relationship with her.

All this worrying you do, in other words, is having no effect on anybody but you.

Until she is ready, nothing will change. You are in a very painful emotional place right now, that will not provide you with answers, no matter how much you try to make sense of this situation.

It would be so good for you to do something positive for yourself. Get out with your girlfriends, go and visit old friends, join a gym, or get back to (or pick up) a hobby, and other interests, that, but for what his happening with your daughter now, you would most likely be doing.

For now, until you know clearly that your daughter wishes to talk, let the communication problem fade a bit from your everyday life. She may very well benefit, in the future, from realizing herself that she didn't see the forest for the trees, but that realization can only come, when she is ready.

[jennieuk]

So many thanks for your posts, thank you so much I think you are right that I should let her know but as you say DoulaLC without going into detail and as you say Jake when the time seems right. I guess I have to separate out my own feelings from what is best for our relationship which is to let her have the distance she is looking for at present but as DouaLC so kindly says letting her know so that she has the option to choose how she wants to proceed... I do feel a lot better about things after talking with you all Thank you every one for your really good advice and support