[NukeNC]

So, I don't usually do this... But, I've never had a problem like this before. So here we go...

I'm 18, and I've been dating my girlfriend since the summer after 8th grade. That's some real history right there, 4 1/2 years. Now, I know what response this will provoke... I'll get a "You need to be with other people, you've only been with one girlfriend blah, blah, blah" Yeah, I'm aware. Not trying to be a jerk, I just don't want advice not telling me what I already know.

Anyway, we have been really happy in High School. We had a couple problems in our earlier years, but senior year was pretty damn close to perfect. We are so comfortable around each other, I know everything about her and she knows everything about me. Anyway, High school ended in May and the summer still kept things rolling fine. We were both happy, we went to CT for a week together and it was an amazing time. But, then she had to go off to college. I decided during my senior year that I would take a year off and recharge my batteries school wise before jumping into College, and then I would join her at her college after. She didn't completely like the idea but, she seemed to accept it as time passed.

So she went to College, and first semester everything seemed okay. She would come home every other week to see me, and I went up to visit her once as I don't have a car so its difficult for me to get up there often. She came home for Christmas vacation and I was upset over some stupid thing I can't recall right now, and she brought up a nightmare conversation. She asked me if I ever wondered what it would be like to be with somebody else. And questions of that sort. Naturally that really bugged me and haunted me for weeks to come. We agreed to stay together though, so I thought that if I showed her I really cared about her things would resolve themselves. Stupid move, I can see that now but as I said before I'm not good at dealing with these situations.

So, we spent the last day she was home for vacation together, and she seemed sad to let me go and I comforted her and made her feel better about the whole thing. We both agreed to not see each other until Valentines day which at the time was 3 1/2 weeks. Closer to 2 weeks now. Which I didn't like very much, but I accepted after a bit. So, on Friday night I felt the need to tell her how I feel, that what we talked about really bugged me. She told me she didn't know what was going to happen with us, and so we called and I kept my cool through most of the phone call although my voice did get a little jerky through it, she was blubbering. I asked her if she wanted to break up, and she said she didn't. So, I offered the idea of taking a break, to which she agreed. She says she doesn't want to be with other people, so I set the little guideline that we don't date other people during our break and if she does want to date other people that we break up, she agreed but her guideline is that she is the one that will intiate conversation. I'm not "allowed" to talk to her first. I agreed to this as well. She told me that I was her best friend and she really does love me but she just needs time alone and to be "her." She says its different when we are together but college just makes things so hard. Now, her college is only an hour and fifteen minutes away. Its not like we are in different states. And the fact that she said she needs space doesn't really add up for me, like I get if she doesn't want to talk but we aren't around each other too often excluding the past vacation.

The break is still pretty pre-mature as it is day 5 of the break. We have talked a total of three times. The first time was pretty rocky, as it was the morning after and I was a wreck and that conversation got worse as she told me she felt tied down being in a relationship and asked why we couldn't spend time apart for a little while and get back together? I told her that that is what the break is for. We are essentially broken up excluding dating other people, unless that's what she wants. She said she didn't in a less than nice tone. The second time we talked about it a little, and it was much more civil. I told her I love her and all that jazz and that I want to fix things. She still tells me "I love you" after conversations and such and still seems to want to talk to me. She told me that it wasn't really about that much, she just needs space. Now, I would understand this whole space crap if she knew she wanted to get back together, but she told me she didn't know. Its weird, cause I've never once doubted my feelings for her and still don't but its weird to have her feel differently. I keep thinking I'm going to feel better the next day, but no luck yet.

So, I could really use some advice here. I don't want to date other people, I just want her. She is the one girl for me. Its weird cause when we talked last night she still acted like we were fine and this break isn't over. We are still technically together, but I really could use some help. What should I do? I do NOT want to break up, should I just keep giving her time for awhile and see how it goes? I could use some advice.

[jayjay1991]

I had this happen to me to I was with my girlfriend for 2yrs and my girlfriend went to college an she needed a break it took 3 weeks an we are back together now I think its a lot better then what it was before you just need to take a step back give her space let her do her thing and you do yours just give it time and let her no you love her no matter what happens

[Wondergirl]

You may not want to break up, but that's where I see this going. She's trying to let you down easy by going along with the temporary break idea.

Think about it. She's in a new environment, meeting lots of people, making new friends, encountering and dealing with new challenges -- without you. It's a whole new world for her, and she's finding out that she's doing just fine -- without you.

Meanwhile, you're still at home with all the memories of the two of you together.

Freshman girls are always checked out by upperclassmen, so it's very likely she has been flirted with and even asked out. And the administration usually offers lots of activities for freshmen so they get to know each other very quickly and feel comfortable away from home. She's ending the first semester now, or has begun the second one, and is feeling very much at home -- recognizes other students as she walks around on campus, has gossiped about the value of the teachers and courses, has stayed up late studying and writing papers, and is beginning to feel like she's part of the student body -- and has grown away from her roots a bit.

then I would join her at her college after. She didn't completely like the idea

This speaks volumes. The appearance of a hometown boyfriend would really change the dynamics of her college experience, especially when he would be a year behind her.

[NukeNC]

You may not want to break up, but that's where I see this going. She's trying to let you down easy by going along with the temporary break idea.

Think about it. She's in a new environment, meeting lots of people, making new friends, encountering and dealing with new challenges -- without you. It's a whole new world for her, and she's finding out that she's doing just fine -- without you.

Meanwhile, you're still at home with all the memories of the two of you together.

Freshman girls are always checked out by upperclassmen, so it's very likely she has been flirted with and even asked out. And the administration usually offers lots of activities for freshmen so they get to know each other very quickly and feel comfortable away from home. She's ending the first semester now, or has begun the second one, and is feeling very much at home -- recognizes other students as she walks around on campus, has gossiped about the value of the teachers and courses, has stayed up late studying and writing papers, and is beginning to feel like she's part of the student body -- and has grown away from her roots a bit.

This speaks volumes. The appearance of a hometown boyfriend would really change the dynamics of her college experience, especially when he would be a year behind her.

I understand what your saying. I really do. But, it really doesn't seem like she is trying to let me down easy. She really does seem confused. And the fact that she isn't completely cutting me off and not talking to me, make me believe this more. Am I crazy? I know college is a big step, but she always seemed willing to keep us together.

As for the going to be with her at college. It wasn't the me going to college with her that she didn't like. It was the me, taking a year off cause she would have to be without me. I think I didn't explain that well enough.

[88sunflower]

Nuke I hate to say it but I think your relationship has been coming to an end and she isn't sure quite how to break it to you. People who are in love and meant to be don't need breaks. People in relationships take breaks for reasons and its usually for negative reasons. I think for the first time in her life she is in the real world with out you by her side and she can see the big picture. Other guys, new fun and new friends that built her a new life.

This makes no sense... but her guideline is that she is the one that will intiate conversation. I'm not "allowed" to talk to her first.

Doesn't that ring a bell in your head? She will let you in her new life when she feels fit to until then don't bother her. I truly think she wants it over but feels the pressure of your history weighing on her. I think she feels obligated to stay with you but at the same time wants it over to be with other people. Taking a break is her way of telling you that.

[NukeNC]

Well, I just talked to her about it and she told me that she isn't just keeping me around cause of our history, and wanting me to still be there as a "back up" plan or whatever. I'm taking what she says with a grain of salt as I have no idea if she is being honest, but I really have no reason not to trust her word. She also said she thinks that the break is helping, so hopefully things will work out. But, I don't know...

[Wondergirl]

She really does seem confused. And the fact that she isn't completely cutting me off and not talking to me, make me believe this more.

She's not confused. She feels guilty. You've been in her life for a long time. It's hard to make changes, especially when she knows you don't want any.

As for the going to be with her at college. It wasn't the me going to college with her that she didn't like. It was the me, taking a year off cause she would have to be without me. I think I didn't explain that well enough.

Okay. You were part of her life then. But that was before she left for college, right? She's been there for half a year now. Her world has changed. You're not in her world as much any more. And she's had fun and new experiences that don't include you. SHE has changed, but you haven't.

As 88sunflower said so well, people in love who have a good relationship don't take breaks.

[88sunflower]

I am telling you she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Simple as that. Your trying to hang on and she is trying to break away. If this break means nothing and is helping then why exactly does she want it? People in love don't need breaks.

[NukeNC]

She's not confused. She feels guilty. You've been in her life for a long time. It's hard to make changes, especially when she knows you don't want any.

Okay. You were part of her life then. But that was before she left for college, right? She's been there for half a year now. Her world has changed. You're not in her world as much any more. And she's had fun and new experiences that don't include you. SHE has changed, but you haven't.

Bah. I don't think I'm explaining this well enough. I've asked her on numerous occasions if she wants to break up, to which she replies no. She says she wants to be with me, she just doesn't want to be with me right now. I realize that this could be her letting me down easy, but it really does not seem it. But, as I said... She thinks the break is helping. I don't think she would give me false hope like that, she's really not that kind of person.

And I have told her that I was stupid to think she should come home every other weeks and such. I'm letting her open up and be at college. Be herself. I think without my texts every day and feeling obligated to talk to me that she is starting to see things differently. Now, I'm not saying that she wants to get back together... just that she is weighing her options more.

[NukeNC]

I am telling you she doesnt want to hurt your feelings. Simple as that. Your trying to hang on and she is trying to break away. If this break means nothing and is helping then why exactly does she want it? People in love dont need breaks.

Well, I guess I should elaborate even further at the risk of making myself sound bad. I was a clingy boyfriend, I texted her right when I got up. If I hadn't heard from her in 3 hours I would end up texting again. The minute she got on Facebook I would talk to her as if I was waiting. It was a little bit pathetic, yeah, I realize that. I understand she needs some breathing room, and after four years who wouldn't? As we've established she is going through a very different experience and everything is different. On top of school work and new friends and such, having me to throw ontop of it is a bit much ecspecially when I'm one of the biggest weighted factors. She just needs space, I just don't understand what that means.

I know it sounds like I'm in denial. And who knows... maybe I am? But, talking to her about it just really doesn't sound like she wants it to end. It sounds like she just needs a break. And I'm willing to give her that, and I truly think it will help. But, even if it doesn't... at least I can say I did everything in my power to fix it.

[Wondergirl]

Why are you contacting her? I thought she was supposed to be the one to conact you first. You seem to be knocking yourself out to worsen the situation.

She wants a break. Okay, do this. Give her a break. Don't be needy. Don't contact her. In fact, don't even be available when she tries to contact you, or if at least keep the conversation short. After all, she wants a break, and you're very busy. Very, very busy. You're on break too.

[NukeNC]

Why are you contacting her? I thought she was supposed to be the one to conact you first. You seem to be knocking yourself out to worsen the situation.

She wants a break. Okay, do this. Give her a break. Don't be needy. Don't contact her. In fact, don't even be available when she tries to contact you, or if at least keep the conversation short. After all, she wants a break, and you're very busy. Very, very busy. You're on break too.

She didn't seem completely opposed to me contacting her. She seems to understand that I listened to her, and it was her turn to listen to me. But, that is exactly what I've been doing Wonder. I don't ignore her and make myself out to be a **** when I talk to her, but I have been trying to keep things short. I have been making myself less needy, I don't talk to her. This is the first time I've broken the whole not contact her rule since the break, which I think is good as most boyfriends would go pleading and crying to them. I however am not doing that. So, that's a plus right?

[Wondergirl]

You've tossed in some interesting qualifiers --

She didn't seem completely opposed to me contacting her (not isn't)
She seems to understand that I listened to her (not understands)
I have been trying to keep things short (not do keep)
I have been making myself less needy, I don't talk to her (not I am)

most boyfriends would go pleading and crying to them. I however am not doing that. So, that's a plus right?

Is that what they do? Usually the girls get that reputation of pleading and crying, but then usually the guys don't ask for a break; they just dump and move on. Asking for a break seems to be a "girly" thing to do.

In your situation, I don't believe being pleading and needy will work. Doing a strict NC will tell you reams.

[NukeNC]

Well, I can't read her mind. I don't know what's going on in there. I see what you mean though. And this relationship isn't like "Aw man, we have been dating for 3 months. I AM SO IN LOVE!" This is 4 1/2 years. This has grown over time. I've had a bunch of friends bug there girlfriend when they break up with them, wanting to win her back that way. I can't see that being a good course of action, so we agree on that. I think that if I give her what she needs we have a good chance of getting back together. So, the ball is in her court now. Its only been five days, not much of a break. I'll just give it time.

[Wondergirl]

So, the ball is in her court now. Its only been five days, not much of a break. I'll just give it time.

Stay in touch and let us know how it's going!

(By the way, I truly want you two to get back together. You've reliving MY history, except it had been six years of being together for us, not just four and a half.)

[88sunflower]

Ok let me put it how I see it. She doesn't want to break up, she just wants a break. She still wants to be with you just not right now. She said the break was helping. As an outsider looking in I hear her saying "I love you and the time we shared, but I am having a blast here at college away from you. I see cute boys interested in me and I want to explore that but dont want you to know. So I tell you I want a break in case this doesnt work out I can fall back on you."

I honestly feel if you never contacted her she would slowly contact you less and less. That's what she is saying between the lines. I don't want to hurt your feelings saying that but that's what she is saying. Just don't contact her for anything, ever. See how it goes. I bet before long you will hardly hear from her.

[NukeNC]

I see what your saying Sun. I really do. And let me say that I'm not the best person to judge as this is happening to me... It just seems like she really just wants time. Sure, there are boys down there and they probably play a part in this but I don't know if that's what this is really about. I think she just wants to know what it feels like to be alone, I mean it has been 4 and a half years. So, I'm giving her what she wants. Now, I know I might be in denial but I don't feel like she would say the break is helping if she knew right from the get go that we might break up. You guys have said that she is trying not to hurt me. Why would she give me false hope like that if she wasn't trying to hurt me? Unless its not false hope.

[88sunflower]

OK what is the break helping? Her to see if she wants you or not?

Why don't we work on you. Because either way right now your hurting and have a lot of what ifs spinning around your head I am sure. You are in a bit of denial I think. But I understand how your feeling. You love her.

Can you try and go NC with her? Let her do this on her own and you not chasing her? I think if you do this you will have your answer.

[NukeNC]

The reason I'm in denial is because although I did ask for help, and I really do appreciate it. There are always going to be holes when trying to help me. I mean... there is no possible way you guys could know what we are like. But, I admit denial is looking good right about now.

And we are currently in NC, at least I am. I mean, I don't really want to ignore her if she tries to talk to me. That will just annoy her. And I don't think the whole reversal thing, of me ignoring her and showing her how much she misses me is going to work. I don't know... I just don't know.

[88sunflower]

I understand we will never fully get your story 100%. We don't know you both personally and we are only truly hearing one side of it. But what's important is that you do see where we are coming from with what you do tell us and what we do understand. You came to us and we are hear to listen and help any way we can.

I just right now want to see you brace yourself for the fall. In case it does happen like we all think it is going to. Sure doing NC won't work 100% since she is still contacting you. But can't you see that if your not going to her like you once were she will either make it or break it with you. Simple as that. I would love nothing more then to see you both happily ever after but its not looking that way at this point.

I want to touch on an area you didn't want to hear. You were so young when you met. 8th grade. How mature were you then compared to now? How much have you grown then compared to now? You need to look at the big picture. As your aging and maturing she isn't going to be that little girl any more from 8th grade that you started dating. Both your interests are changing and what you want out of life. Before you do decide happily ever after with this girl if that's what it leads to then you need to realize what your needs and wants are as an adult. It may not be the same as it once was. You may look back and realize you should have explored more yourself. If this break does come take it as a blessing in disguise. It will hurt and rip your heart out. But in my opinion I think it will be good and you will learn and grow better because of it.