[Gmoney25]

I've been dating this girl for over 3.5 years. She was married when we first met, then separated then divorced. We have practically lived as though we were married for the last 2.5 years (vacations with her kids, dinner every night, etc.). I have never moved in with her and rarely stayed overnight when the kids were home. She has always remained very close to her ex (too close for me and has resulted in several arguments with her over the years). They talk every day supposedly about the kids, etc. I know she talks to him at least 3 or 4 times everyday. I think they never really got closer from their divorce. He dated someone for about a year or so and they have not been dating as much in the last 6 months.
I always wondered in the back of my head if they would ever get back together. She has promised me over and over that they only talk about kid related stuff when they talk. I have to take her word for it.

About a week and a half ago, she came back from a sports competition with her girlfriends that was out of state. I kept her dogs, house, etc. while she was gone. She has given me reason a while ago to be suspicious of her on these girl's trips and I took a look at her email ( I know I was wrong for this) and I saw where she had emailed some guy that she met at the event. She said how much she enjoyed meeting him and chatting with him. I know she met this guy in a restaurant bar after dinner with her friends. The part that hurt the most is she said that she smiled all the way on the flight home thinking about him. I couldn't hold back and I confronted her about it. She admitted that she did "talk" with this guy in the bar and that was all that happened. I'm crushed over her actions. She admitted that she knows she will probably never see this guy again ever, but she got something from emailing him, etc. and it felt good to be complimented. I compliment her all the time. She is a very beuatiful girl but has issues with getting older (42) and I'm 36.

So, we had a major blow up fight and I told her I was done. We kind of made up afterwards. After a few days of talking with her girlfriends, she said that she "needs some time" to figure out her mind and what she wants. I wanted kids when we first started dating and she said she would not rule that out in the future. As time has gone on, she has indicated that she is too old and doesn't want to go through all of that again. The other issue is marriage. I want to and she is worried that she has failed at it before and doesn't want to fail again. She was happy going sideways for the last year. I hate to sound like every other guy on here, but I truly love this girl with all of my heart. I've never cheated on her. It hurts me to no end that we are not talking right now. We agreed to try the no contact thing last Friday night. She texted me Sat. night, skipped Sunday and I last spoke to her on Monday night (today is Thurs.). She got mad at me on Monday night when she found out that I was going out with friends. I told her that she was the one that wanted time away from me so what does she care. I'm trying to make it day by day, but every minute is so hard. I know that I need to use this time to figure out if she is really the person that I want, but it is hard to not talk to someone that I have talked to several times a day for the last 3.5 years.

Now for the obvious question... is it over? She didn't say that we were breaking up and I asked her if she wanted to break up and she said no. We both agreed that we would not date anyone else during this time. I bluntly asked one of her best friends and she said that she doesn't think anyone else is involved but that she truly thinks that she just needs some time alone.
Help!

[dhuber]

I don't understand the "I need time": excuse (I am a much more clingy person). However the two of you need to to get together or let it go. The time is for what? Either you have what it takes or you don't. It sounds like there were a lot of good qualities to this relationship. Don't let her keep you in limbo forever. As far as the marriage goes with the ex, I too have a very positive relationship with my ex And we can literally talk about anything. But several timesd a day is a little excessive especially for the third wheel. Try to schedule a heart to heart talk and both of you need to lay out the perimeters of the relationship especially in communicating with new people. If that hurts you and she won't stop then it may not work. Don't think about marriage or children until all of the issues are laid on the table. I agree with her as a 40 something year old woman, you have goals that have nothing to do with raising babies. That is a huge topic to explore.

If you have to move on for whatevver reason break clean and move on. She is not the only person who will offer the qualities that you want. It will be hard at first, but move on if this is permanent. You deserve someone who is totally committed. Not someone who needs breaks from a relationship. And not someone holding out for her ex husband. Several times a day? Really?

Put yourself out ther4e for a minute and ask for a date maybe over coffee. Then move on

[talaniman]

3 years is a long time not to have honest communications, so you can resolve conflict in thinking, and share long term expectations, and establish boundaries.

So I do understand the shock of finding out how she really feels about things you never knew. Single or married that's how commitments are formed, and it seems her commitment was not as strong, or binding as yours. Part of this was assuming the time you spent meant something, and no doubt it did, and part of this was she didn't share everything in her head with you.

That where I think you both are. Trying to decide where to go from here. So first, totally forget what her friends say, and replace false hope with facts, and you can't do that without honest communications, and clearing the air. If you chose to not talk, and let her have the "alone time to think" and wait for HER decision she is gone. If you allow these little texts and chats that solve nothing but keeps you in limbo while she thinks, then she is gone. The whole purpose of this break, that she says she doesn't want to break up is to give her time to weigh her options before she makes her decision, and for sure you are an option, one of many, so she needs you close. JUST IN CASE.

Your only obligation now is to make your own decision, not be an option, and be straight and honest about it, then be prepared to take the right action for yourself. Plain and simple. Just me, I disappear and do my thing because its a huge red flag when she could not be straight up, and honest with her feelings in the first place, and I think her behavior would have continued had you not found out the truth of the matter on your own, after the fact.

To me, that level of dishonesty, means disloyalty, and that's not love, nor trust, on her part, and deserves no reward. So its YOUR decision, and you better make it, own it and do it. Disappear and do your own thing while you build a life you are happy with, because there ain't that much love in the world to give to someone that has been deceiving you all this time.

To be fair, you allowed it, by assuming and presuming without communications or question to get facts. Your feelings for her were NOT enough for her to be honest, and should not be enough to keep you there waiting for her "alone time to think" to end, and she feels like talking, explaining, and honestly trying.

Put aside your feelings, and make your decisions based on FACTS.

[Jake2008]

I agree that her relationship with her husband, while cordal, is a bit over the top. I take it her kids are old enough to call their dad themselves, why does she need to chat with him several times a day.

The email, while I disagree with your snooping- is also suspicious, and that is only what you do know. To meet a man in a bar, and exchange personal information while you are in an apparently solid relationship, is another red flag. That it happened on a weekend away, could just as easily happened on a night out, just down the street. Or at work, or on he subway. She is emotionally in that place where she is available, and checking out other men.

She also comes up with an awful lot of excuses for her behaviour, and I too, would be suspicious of her commitment.

So, she actually has three men hanging. Her husband, you, and the new guy she met in a bar. When confronted, suddenly she needs her space. Normally, you get all the space you need, after you stop using people, and let them go.

Love is not enough to suddenly make people compatible, honest, and committed. While you may feel these things toward her, clearly she does not feel the same toward you.

Try to see that, while it is hard to stop loving someone, you have to be practical, and know when this relationship is not putting your needs first. That is what a committed partner does, they don't keep other men in the picture, as possibilities in case they are a better choice, shoot you flimsy excuses, and expect you to buy the b.s.

I would let her go, and at the same time, be grateful that you didn't invest in a home, mortgage, car loans, etc. and also be grateful that (I hope) you are not too emotionally vested in the lives of her children, as they too, will suffer a loss with you gone, because of the behaviour and decisions of their mother.

You can't base your future on doubt. Without trust, you have nothing. Do your best to let the relationship go, and move on.

[Gmoney25]

It has always been an issue with me how many times she and her ex talk daily. I think that neither one of them ever truly dealt with their divorce. They both admitted that they grew apart and were both at fault. The kids are 12-14 years old and yes, I've said many times that they are old enough to keep their dad updated on their daily lives without her having to do it. Her response is that the kids don't always answer their phones so he calls her, etc. BS!! Her counselor used to tell her that by her taking his calls every morning was like giving crack to an addict. It was feeding his/her "need" to still communicate. Obviously, they will always have some sort of communication since they have kids, but it is ridiculous how much they talk. It was also an issue with a girl he was dating and that poor girl didn't know half of the stuff that I knew. I always wanted to call her and let her know that her boyfriend was calling my girlfriend every morning to "check on the kids." I never did it and I know that wouldn't have helped anyone.

The crazy thing is that even though her ex should hate me for being part of their breakup years ago, he and I actually get along at the kids sporting events, etc. She said that he has told her that he truly likes me and he got through that phase by knowing that I was good to his kids and to her and not a jerk.

I think I will always have a hard time trusting her. I've told her in the past that trust is earned and she has done nothing to prove that she can be trusted. Even though I'm trying to grasp the reality that it may be over, I worry about her. She says she wants her alone time now, but I know she is still talking to her ex several times a day. She is actually out of town for a few days for another tournament now, so you can only imagine where my mind is headed. I also know that her ex is taking care of her kids, dogs, etc. while she is gone.

Should I tell her that we need to talk in person on Sunday and get everything out on the table and tell her that I can't wait on her to make up her mind while leaving me in limbo? I have some personal items at her house (clothes, etc.). Should I collect those items now?

[Cat1864]

Let me see if I have the timing correct: You met her and started a relationship with her while she was married to her now ex-husband. She cheated on her husband with you.

She has not had time or space to work through her marriage and divorce or to have allowed all the emotional dust to settle from that relationship.

She doesn't know what she wants because she has been drifting from one relationship into the next. If you hadn't come along would she still be married or was she talking to other men besides you who might have 'saved' her? Not to be harsh, but all she did was move from one pasture to another and is munching at what appears to be greener grass in another one.

You can talk with her about boundaries and the relationship, but I think she has shown that boundaries don't mean anything to her. You didn't pay attention to the warning sign saying, "If she leaves him for you, she will do the same to you, someday". Are you ready to heed the warning?

[Gmoney25]

You are correct about the timing. She was married when we first met. We met through mutual friends and she contacted me first. I was hesitant to get involved with someone who is married... I know better. She told me that her marriage had been dead for 5 or 6 years and that she had "checked out" of it. Her husband was going out playing poker, etc. every night and never there for her and the kids. Things happened and we became serious very quickly. He found out about it after the first month due to me responding to a late night text from her. She separated from him and he moved out about 4 months after we started our "relationship". They went to counseling (while she and I dated the entire time). The counselor advised her to cut off communication with both of us, until she can sort it out. That lasted about a week and she said she couldn't be without me.

So we dated while she was separated and I started being around the kids at this point. The divorce finally happened about a year later. Her ex kept demanding that she file the papers, etc. and she drug her feet. This was a red flag to me then and I should have stepped back then. I always told her to do what she really wants to do in life. We continued on for almost 1.5 years dating after the divorce, which is now. We have taken the kids on several vacations. I go to all of her kids sporting events. As I said earlier, I have had dinner with her and the kids every night for more than 2 years. I'm attached to her kids and I believe they are to me. I've done nothing but be very respectful to them and loved them as though they were my own.

Her daughter was basically ignored by her ex for the first 12 years of her life because he mainly cared about their son and his activities. Since the separation, her ex is now all of a sudden going to everything that their daughter does. I know this is not a bad thing and I am happy that her dad is in her life. My girlfriend has told me before that her daughter has told her that she wishes they they would get back together and be a happy family. I know this is normal for kids to say/think this for a long time.

You are correct that she never had the down time between relationships. The counselor told her to do this and her friends told her.

As bad as it hurts, I could probably handle her getting back with her ex better than I would her getting with someone new.

So, do I ask to meet her on Sunday and go get my belongings and tell her that I will respect her space, but not sit around and wait on her to clear her head. That could take weeks, months or even years.

[answerme_tender]

Yikes, you are living through " what goes around comes back around" circumstances. Why are you so shocked that she would fool around on you and break your trust. Its always easier after the first time.
She has never committed to you, not even to the point of letting you move in and become any permanent fixture in her FAMILY.
After leaving her husband for you and being in a relationship with for 3yrs, your still just the boyfriend who visits, and goes to HER kids activities.
Iam impressed with the ex-husband that he has put behind him that you were the "other man" that cheated with his wife, to be able to be anywhere near you at HIS children's activities.
Of course she was never planning on marrying you or having your children. You were someone she could lean on while getting herself established after her divorce.
Your 36yrs old, how many more years to you plan on wasting with a woman who is not willing to commit to you fully. Go out and find a woman who will love you, and be proud to have your children. Don't throw away your opportunity to go to your own children's activities, rather that would mean, step children,adopted, or even biological. Good luck

[Cat1864]

So, do I ask to meet her on Sunday and go get my belongings and tell her that I will respect her space, but not sit around and wait on her to clear her head. That could take weeks, months or even years.

In one word, yes.

While she is 'clearing' her head, you need to do the same. I can't say what will happen in the future, but I do know that you need to allow yourself to heal and move on even if you do end up back with her. Take time for yourself. Don't think about when 'she' is ready or what 'she' wants. Do think about when you are ready for another relationship and what you want in that relationship.

IF you do attempt to get back with her, work through the issues of the past before trying again. Set boundaries and compromises BEFORE you do anything else. Move forward instead of circling back to where you are right now.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

Just get your stuff and disappear into the sunset fella, without all the emotional fog. You had to know this would happen sooner or later because she told you it would. You foolishly believed it was ALL him, but now you know better.

There is simply nothing else to say but good bye.

[Gmoney25]

I'm pretty sure she will be back in town on Sunday (it all depends on how her team does). Should I call her or text her that I want to talk to her? Do I try to do it so that it happens quickly, as in "I'm heading over and we need to talk"? Or should I try to schedule a time when the kids aren't there (which could be hard)?
Should I make it short and sweet and just say:
"I've been thinking about our relationship and it will be hard for me to trust you again unless you undergo some major changes, primarily your daily chats with the ex. Therefore, I've decided to move on with my life. I still care deeply about you and want to see you happy, but we both need to be happy. Waiting around for you to think things over is not fair to me. I deserve to be with someone that wants to be with me and is happy being in a progressing relationship with me. I have doubts that you will be coming to terms with any sort of decision any time soon, which is why I'm making my decision now. I truly wish you the best in life. Hopefully, one day you will be at peace and find out who you really are and what you really want in life."

Suggestions, comments, I welcome them all. Normally, I am good at handling extreme situations at work, but when it hits home, I feel like I have the mind of a 5th grader.

[Jake2008]

Just my opinion here, but I would not see her in person, or phone or text. What you have written here is really well done.

""I've been thinking about our relationship and it will be hard for me to trust you again unless you undergo some major changes, primarily your daily chats with the ex. Therefore, I've decided to move on with my life. I still care deeply about you and want to see you happy, but we both need to be happy. Waiting around for you to think things over is not fair to me. I deserve to be with someone that wants to be with me and is happy being in a progressing relationship with me. I have doubts that you will be coming to terms with any sort of decision any time soon, which is why I'm making my decision now. I truly wish you the best in life. Hopefully, one day you will be at peace and find out who you really are and what you really want in life."

I would only edit, that which makes her think that you are willing to take her back. If your intent is to end it, then end it. I would edit it like this, with ending it in mind.

""I've been thinking about our relationship and it is impossible for me to trust you again Therefore, I've decided to move on with my life. I still care deeply about you and want to see you happy, but we both need to be happy. Waiting around for you to think things over is not fair to me. I deserve to be with someone that wants to be with me and is happy being in a progressing relationship with me, which is why I'm making my decision now.

I truly wish you the best in life. Hopefully, one day you will be at peace and find out who you really are and what you really want in life."

And I would email it to her (which I normally would not suggest, but considering how raw your emotions are, the distance is probably best).

And then, read in this community, all the stickies and posts about going no contact, because, I really do think this is what you need to do, in order to regain and live your life in a healthier, happy way.

[Gmoney25]

I'm dying to contact her to get everything off my chest. I haven't been able to sleep well for the last week. As I said earlier, she is still out of town until tomorrow night (I think). I want to tell her that due to her betrayals in the past, I will never be able to trust her. I really do love her so much and it hurts beyond belief to end it, but I think it has probably been over for a few months. Her actions have indicated that she doesn't feel that strongly about me as bad as it hurts me to admit it. AGGGGGHHHHHHH! I hate this!

[talaniman]

Work up a good sweat for 30 minutes, take two aspirin, after a hot bath, sleep like a baby.

Answer 15 questions in the relationship forum to help others, and give no mention of your problems, just focus on theirs.

Just a few suggestions to drain that negative energy off.

Hey kind of know how you feel. But how you handle it is the important part because we all have problems we struggle with.

[Cat1864]

I like Tal's suggestion of answering questions. I'll only add to please make them current ones. :)

Helping others is a great way to put our own thoughts in order and see different ways of handling a situation.

I know you need to get your things back, but if you can wait for them then it might be best to let things cool for awhile or make arrangements for someone else to pick them up.

I don't have a problem with an impersonal note to end things because she already made that opening by asking for space.

Being active, mentally and physically, will help.

[Gmoney25]

So we met face to face today. I asked her what her interpretation of our relationship status is right now... on break, broken up, still together, etc. She said that she sees us as still together, but taking a break. I said that I can't be left in limbo while she figures things out and if the relationship is over, let's just end it now and not drag things out. She said she doesn't want it to be over and she doesn't want to say goodbye to me, but she needs some time to figure out if she is ready to move forward with our relationship.

I asked if she has said anything to the kids and she said that after a few days of them asking about me, she finally told them we were taking a break for a little while. I also asked if she told her ex and she said yes, but no details about us. I told her that until she can cut back on her communication with her ex, she will never allow herself to get over their divorce and likewise, he will never have a successful relationship with another girl.

She said that she is trying to deal with everything and that she actually felt better last week knowing that she wasn't having to check in all the time with me. (sidenote: I know she checked in with her ex several times a day)

She asked me if I would please not shut the door on our relationship and at least leave the door open down the road. I told her that I will not wait on her and the only way I could open the door to her again is if we have a transparent relationship. No secret emails, secret texts, etc. and we would have to be open as to how we feel and not let things build up.

She apologized again about emailing the guy that she met a few weeks ago and said that she regrets doing that so bad and is hurt that she did that to me. She said that her friends have told her there must be a reason why she opened up and let this guy in. She followed that up with a few days ago after tennis, a guy she was playing with asked her to friend her on Facebook and she declined. She said that is the last thing on her mind right now.

So, I guess we left it as it's a break up so that she can heal over her divorce and determine if she is ready for a relationship and I am moving forward with my own life. We did agree that we might still grab lunch later on once the dust settles and just see how each other is doing.

Did I mess up?

[talaniman]

Not if you follow through, and move on with your life. No telling what will happen later, but at least you are not in limbo now. You are free to heal, and do your own thing, as is she. Whatever that is.

[Gmoney25]

What are your suggestions regarding moving on? I don't have a lot of friends in this town that weren't "couples friends". I'm not opposed to going out on dates right now, but I don't think I'm ready for another relationship with someone else. I also don't want to "use" someone as a rebound girl. How should I communicate to any girl that I may go out with in the near future? I know I can't talk about my ex, but do I say that I recently got out of a relationship? I don't want to scare a new girl off by saying the wrong thing. I really think I need a girl that can just be a friend to me right now. Someone to go to dinner with and hang out with on a friendly basis. Right now, I think going out with a group of friends, girls and guys, would probably be the best thing.

[talaniman]

That works, and read the stickies on this forum. Rebuilding your life ain't easy, but it will bring out the best in you.

[Gmoney25]

I've read all of the stickies and I still have a few questions.
1. Is it wise to ask a girl out within the next week or two? I have a few possibilities, but as I said earlier, I know I'm not ready for a relationship, but would a dinner date hurt? One of the girls I'm thinking of knows that I've been going through some issues lately.

2. When I do go on a date how do I describe my situation without freaking the new girl out? Do I just say that I recently ended a 3 year relationship? I would think that may scare some people off as they don't want to be the rebound. Do I try to be honest and tell them that I'm just looking for friendly dates because I'm not ready for a relationship?

3. I know this is addressed in the stickies, but I can't come to terms with deleting her from Facebook. We haven't changed our status from "in a relationship with *********" When we talked on Sunday, neither one of us was ready to make any changes to FB, because once that happens all of our 300+ friends will see it and the questions will start flooding in. Neither one of us wants that. I don't go through her pictures of us and think back, etc. but it just seems too painful to delete her and I know she feels the same.