Confused over her actions
I've been dating this girl for over 3.5 years. She was married when we first met, then separated then divorced. We have practically lived as though we were married for the last 2.5 years (vacations with her kids, dinner every night, etc.). I have never moved in with her and rarely stayed overnight when the kids were home. She has always remained very close to her ex (too close for me and has resulted in several arguments with her over the years). They talk every day supposedly about the kids, etc. I know she talks to him at least 3 or 4 times everyday. I think they never really got closer from their divorce. He dated someone for about a year or so and they have not been dating as much in the last 6 months.
I always wondered in the back of my head if they would ever get back together. She has promised me over and over that they only talk about kid related stuff when they talk. I have to take her word for it.
About a week and a half ago, she came back from a sports competition with her girlfriends that was out of state. I kept her dogs, house, etc. while she was gone. She has given me reason a while ago to be suspicious of her on these girl's trips and I took a look at her email ( I know I was wrong for this) and I saw where she had emailed some guy that she met at the event. She said how much she enjoyed meeting him and chatting with him. I know she met this guy in a restaurant bar after dinner with her friends. The part that hurt the most is she said that she smiled all the way on the flight home thinking about him. I couldn't hold back and I confronted her about it. She admitted that she did "talk" with this guy in the bar and that was all that happened. I'm crushed over her actions. She admitted that she knows she will probably never see this guy again ever, but she got something from emailing him, etc. and it felt good to be complimented. I compliment her all the time. She is a very beuatiful girl but has issues with getting older (42) and I'm 36.
So, we had a major blow up fight and I told her I was done. We kind of made up afterwards. After a few days of talking with her girlfriends, she said that she "needs some time" to figure out her mind and what she wants. I wanted kids when we first started dating and she said she would not rule that out in the future. As time has gone on, she has indicated that she is too old and doesn't want to go through all of that again. The other issue is marriage. I want to and she is worried that she has failed at it before and doesn't want to fail again. She was happy going sideways for the last year. I hate to sound like every other guy on here, but I truly love this girl with all of my heart. I've never cheated on her. It hurts me to no end that we are not talking right now. We agreed to try the no contact thing last Friday night. She texted me Sat. night, skipped Sunday and I last spoke to her on Monday night (today is Thurs.). She got mad at me on Monday night when she found out that I was going out with friends. I told her that she was the one that wanted time away from me so what does she care. I'm trying to make it day by day, but every minute is so hard. I know that I need to use this time to figure out if she is really the person that I want, but it is hard to not talk to someone that I have talked to several times a day for the last 3.5 years.
Now for the obvious question... is it over? She didn't say that we were breaking up and I asked her if she wanted to break up and she said no. We both agreed that we would not date anyone else during this time. I bluntly asked one of her best friends and she said that she doesn't think anyone else is involved but that she truly thinks that she just needs some time alone.
Help!