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YouKnowMe · Oct 18, 2010, 01:29 PM

My wife cheated on me with one of my Co-workers, who I'm friends with. She was drinking and it was one time. We have three kids, and have been married for nine years. I love my wife and truly think this was the only time she's done something like this. She never drinks. She said she was starving for attention. I admit I have not been myself, and have not been very affectionate.

With our jobs we don't have a lot of time to do stuff, and we have three young children. I lost my brother 6 mouths ago, he was in his thirties and it was unexpected. We also worked to together and were close. I took it hard and shut down. I was quit and didn't want to talk about it. Not even with my wife.

My brother was friends with the guy she cheated with as well. It's not been the best year.

I'm hurting from losing my brother and Co-worker, from my wife doing what she did, and I can't believe my friend would do this to me knowing my brother had just died (and we were friends).

When I confronted him, he said they were both drunk, and it was wrong. He then turned around and said she started it. Acting like she was chasing him. I believe my wife was drunk, but not him. My wife said they did not have sex they just messed around. But she knows that was wrong.

I'm hurting and don't know how to make the hurt go away. I forgave my wife, and things have been good, but the hurt won't go away. Do you have some advice?

Thanks YouKnowMe

Enigma1999 · Oct 18, 2010, 02:25 PM

I am sorry for all that happened to you.

You may want to consider counseling for the both of you. Perhaps counseling for yourself for the loss of your brother and your wife and friend messing around.

answerme_tender · Oct 18, 2010, 02:33 PM

Cheating is cheating period, I don't care if they were both drunk or not! Just because she is so called starving for attention doesn't give her the right to cheat. The only attention that should have statisfied her was her HUSBAND'S. She should be more concerned with your loss of not only your brother, but obviously your best friend.
As for the co-worker, bottom line is he doesn't have a commit with you she does. He obviously isn't a friend, nor much of a man to cheat with a married woman.
I am truly impressed that you are willing to forgive your wife and move on. However, you need to insist on marriage counceling. The counceling would also help you dealing with loss of your brother.
Iam sorry for your loss, keep us posted.

Jake2008 · Oct 19, 2010, 05:39 AM

It is possible when say, a wife spends $400 on a haircut, and when you go to balance the books, all hell breaks loose because of it. You figure out how to pay for it, have a good talk about finances, and the problem is over.

It is not possible, when your wife abandons you when you need her the most, puts her needs ahead of yours, and blames you for her having a fling with your best friend, in the same category as a quick fix. Everything is not alrght after such a breech in the relationship. This type of crack needs major work to fix.

It is not all right to justify that kind of behaviour without quesioning the motives, and getting to the truth. So far she doesn't sound too remorseful, or particularly sorry, or has suffered in any way personally, for her own behaviour. What kind of person would hop in the sack under any circumstances with another man, and so casually dismiss the fallout.

Such a breech in trust needs a lot of work to overcome. You know the result, but you don't know the before, and during part of their relationship; that would be the planning, lying, cheating, and covering up part.

Your friend, and her lover, are pretty much on the same page at least morally, and neither of them considered you when they decided to please themselves. And while you are coping with that, you are also coping with the loss of your brother.

I would advise you to seek counselling on your own first. While you are so vunerable and while emotions are so raw and confusing, it would be helpful for you to have an impartial ear to bend, and also help to overcome the complicated losses you have had to face.

kirby35 · Oct 19, 2010, 02:07 PM

Counseling is the key here... you have had too much happen recently for you not to get some help!! As for your marrigae it will be a true sign how receptive she is to counseling... you will be able to tell what the future holds after your first few sessions. But it is a great first step.
Now as for your co-worker/ friend/ homewrecking punk... these are the guys that are a cancer in society... they care only about themselves and only that they are satisfied... I just wish women or men would realize that if this guy is my husbands friend and he is willing to backstab his friend while being at least an equal participant in an affair what does this say about me?? Take care and no matter what realize that this is a low point in your life and things will get better... be strong and plow through this difficult time in your life... it will make you a stronger person!!

slapshot_oi · Oct 19, 2010, 02:29 PM

It's going to be tough to move on when you work with that guy. You need to ex him out of your life so you can forget about him and move on. So, I'd suggest a new job if this is possible.

You can work out things with your wife, albeit difficult, but you don't have to be friends with this chump anymore.

YouKnowMe · Oct 21, 2010, 02:36 PM

Thanks

YouKnowMe · Oct 21, 2010, 02:42 PM

My wife wants to get counseling together and for me to talk with a counselor about the loss of my brother. My wife had been seeing a counselor. Thanks for the advise.

YouKnowMe · Oct 21, 2010, 02:46 PM

Thank you, we are going to get counselling. I'm going to see a counselor by myself as well.

YouKnowMe · Oct 21, 2010, 03:14 PM

Thanks for the advice. I will keep you posted.

YouKnowMe · Oct 21, 2010, 03:24 PM

Christians aren't to bear grudges, even against those who have seriously sinned, trespassed against them, or hurt them. When a brother/sister in Christ comes to you and asks for forgiveness,grant them the forgiveness they seek.

YouKnowMe · Oct 21, 2010, 03:33 PM

These are Jesus words, Makes it tuff. I'm sure Jesus didn't enjoy being beat or hung from a cross but he did. Jesus did this to whip away our sins. (Forgiven us) This makes things very tuff.

answerme_tender · Oct 22, 2010, 06:34 AM

Its good to hear that you are going to counceling. Its nice to know that you do not bear any grudges towards your wife due to your christianity. Of course I would assume then that you hold no grudges towards the man she had the affair with either.
I fully believe in the christianity, and believe me, I am not perfect and am continuously having to ask him for guidance and forgiveness due to my imperfections. But I do wish you the best of luck with your family and your recovery of your marriage.
I also want to say this and not quit sure how to put it correctly so here we go. Don't over look your own common sense and instincts, while trying to achieve the Lord's total forgiveness.

YouKnowMe · Oct 22, 2010, 06:59 AM

I forgive my wife, but I am still hurt, and there is a trust issue that will need to be made strong again. As for my old friend, I don't want anything to do with him. I forgive him and that's it. We are not friend.

YouKnowMe · Oct 22, 2010, 07:09 AM

I'm married to my wife, and have a family to think about, his worthless. I said this was going to be tough. I don't want to throw my marriage away over one mistake, even if it's the biggest mistake you can commit.

YouKnowMe · Oct 22, 2010, 07:17 AM

Don't get me wrong I would love to knock the crap out of him, but trying to use my faith and Jesus words to help get through this. As you can see I have not had my first counceling appointment yet Thanks.