[lkrwkid]

Compared to the things I've seen on TV and online, this may seem like nothing, however it is of great comcern to me. My husband and I have been married 16 years... we're struggling financially presently but never allow our only child to "go without".

She's changed quite a bit over the past summer - started her period and the hormones & all that go along with that. We had some wonderful moments together but she acts as though I am her worst enemy now.

Prior to our fiscal problems, she was living a rather "posh" life. She says that she understands what we're dealing with things as best we can yet treats us with no respect at all! Her father grew up with 4 sisters and seems to relate to his child much better than me. I was always the "bad guy" when it came to discipline. Still am I suppose?

I have an auto-immune chronic disease. I know that my daughter has overheard converstaions about medical bills and certainly by now realizes that I cannot work full-time because of being sick. I thought the benefit to this situation is that I am able to be home with her more than I was before I was diagnosed. I want her to live a normal childhood without worrying about me or my health.

I have asked (begged) for her to help around the house... all to no avail. She's wonderful when she is at a school or a friends house yet comes home with an attitude that I find completely unacceptable. No detail aside from back-talk, refusal to help without complaints & complete loss of manners w/ both her father and myself.
Her father is wanting to "keep peace" at all costs while I need him to be on page with me as parenting is concerned. He says that he hates it when we argue but does nothing to help me when I am with her most of the time.

We do both agree that something needs to change, that is for sure but aside from counseling (which I have tried w/ her school proffesionals). I do comprehend that some of this behavior is normal given her age but still need REAL help dealing with it all.

[Jake2008]

What happened with the school counsellors- did they give you any concrete guidance, counselling, follow-up?

I get the impression that even had there been, your husband feels his role is to keep the peace. He's between a rock and a hard place really. Worried about your health, knowing you don't need the stress, and keeping your 13 year old on an even keel, which is, as you know a task in itself under the best of circumstances.

I have a few suggestions.

1. Insist on counselling for you and your husband. If he won't go- you go. Learn how to deal effectively with both of them- your health must come first, and it may very well be you that has to ensure that you get what you need.

2. Enlist the help of a close friend, or relative. Someone who is not afraid to have a very stern talk to both your husband and your daughter about picking up the slack, changing the attitudes, and helping you recover. That includes chores.

3. Make a list of what you will no longer take responsibility for. Your 13 year old should be able to do her own laundry, clean a bathroom once a week, and do the dishes every day.

4. Post a schedule on the fridge, and put the chores in plain view on the dates they are expected to be done.

5. Let your daughter know that she is not a supporting, contributing adult. She is a child, and she is expected (particularly now) to do her share as indicated on the fridge. Failure to do so, will result in loss of privleges, such as allowance, taxi service, etc.

6. Prepare and inform your husband in advance, of whatever you decide to do, to make sure changes are made. If he chooses not to be on board, he can do his daughter's chores if he wants to. Under no circumstances would I let that go, and if he refuses, let the place go to ruin, then hire a cleaning service, and take 1/3 of the cost from each of them.

7. Stick to your guns! Don't let them walk all over you, it is not healthy for you to continue to assume the stress of things not getting done, and people locking horns over simple things that shouldn't require ultimatums in the first place.

I don't get the impression that your daughter is taking you seriously. She could also be fearful for both what she overhears about finances, and, being so young, she may not fully understand your illness. If you can find something online that lists your illness, and the limitations and symptoms, print it off, and I'd be putting that on the fridge too.

Unfortunately, changes are not going to come voluntarily, and it is time to lay down the law, with or without their approval. Things have to change.

[answerme_tender]

I agree with Jake, that is really great advice!!