[stevedilu]

We have a 20 year old daughter who is attending college and is almost impossible to communicate with. We get the same old "I'm 20 years old". Well she had a friend have been traveling with a cousin of ours and his friends who are known to be bad news and are into pills and some drugs. We can't even have a face to face with her and is always complaining that we accuse her of doing drugs. We have never said that to her and she is always on the defensive. I am tired of being held hostage and when we push her she says she will quite college. It is a goal of mine to have her finish her education and my younger daughter (18), she is great an no problem just the 20 year old. We are doing everything possible to help her through school and she does work one day a week to help with her expenses. I am at my wits end with her, I don't know what to do at this point, I wanted to report those male friends who are a big part of the problem. If I call her bluff, take her car away she will drop out of college.
Do I try the tough love. She says she is stressed with caring so many credits and we are even paying her car loan for this caring to help her be less stressed.
Can someone please help tell me the best course of action, I am about out of prayers.

[Fr_Chuck]

Does she live at home? So accuse her of doing drugs, be direct, don't hold any punches, ask for a drug test to prove it. ** that is if you are sure she is of course. Just not talking is about average for 1/2 of 20 year olds

But remember and I know this hurts, it is always her choice, you can't blame the boys, you can't blame her cousin, she can always say no but perhaps is not.

[stevedilu]

Yes she does and I have considered the drug test, I don't want to force her to leave and drop out of college, guess you could say I'm a wimp and don't want to push her away.

[artlady]

Its supposed to get easier isn't it?

The truth is the problems just change as they get older.

At some point I think we just have to back off.My 21yr.old does things that I don't agree with and he knows how I feel but I certainly can't take him by the hand anymore.

What is going on here almost sounds like emotional blackmail.If you push her,she will drop out of college? Does she have any vested interest in college or is this something that she sees that she is doing exclusively for you?

You haven't said that she is doing anything illegal or wrong.Perhaps her choice in friends leaves something to be desired but that is a lesson she has to learn on her own.

At some point you have to trust that you have been a good role model and that you have given her the tools she needs to succeed.

You can't spare her pain or assure that she won't make bad choices but you have to let her experience life on her own terms.This way you will also keep communication open so if she does have a problem she knows she can come to you without recrimination.

If you haven't tried backing off a little,(without compromising your own values),now might be a good time to start.

Try everything until you find a solution that works.

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior and it sounds as if she has been a good kid so far.

[stevedilu]

Great to read your comments. Yes I was hoping it would get easier. Maybe I should be letting go, I do realize I can't make her do what I feel is correct and I tend to second guess myself that I failed at some point, having said that my 18 year old daughter is a gift, thank God I don't have both of them going down the wrong path.
The problem child does have a goal in what she wants to do.
I was no angle at that age but I did a pretty good job at remaining straight and I have always attempted to guide her the same way. A perfect case of her having to find her own way and a parent that has been their and done that wanting her not to make a bad decision. I guess I have to just do as much as I can and go as far as I can and with the of God she has to live her own life, not the one I want for her.

[artlady]

Hi stevedilu...

Maybe with Gods help and your loving support and understanding,everyone can get what they want in the future.

Be patient... sometimes it feels like they are so adult and then you realize they are still young and confused and still struggling to find their own path.

Best of luck.. Michele

[stevedilu]

Michele,
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. Will continue to trudge forward with hope the light in the tunnel is not the train.
Have a great day
B-Safe