[asmellinger]

I met my ex boyfriend on may 30 we met online and started dating. I really fell for this guy, he was everything I was looking for, but there was some added issues. He had been married before, and was going through a divorce(they still are not divorced) and she cheated on him and is having a baby next week and it may or may not be his, all of which he was honest with me about. I attempted to go see him over July 4th but entrusted in friends who decived me and avoided letting me see him. I then moved out to where he was, and I have not seen him by my own choice. WHen he gets mad he says things he doesn't always mean. He says mean and hurtful things that really hurt me and I put up a wall. I recently lost my father and I have been emotionally drained. After two weeks of trying to see me and me not letting him we broke up. We have still kept talking and he told me to try and make it right. I am so in love with him but in the past two weeks I found out he lied to me about something. He was actually dating someone when we met and he broke up with them to be with me, and that caused a new issue in my head because every guy I have been with has cheated on me. He also told me he wrote a poem for me that he did not write for me and told me he did. He has been so cold and heartless, and I know I can't ask him to forgive me for not seeing him but how do I begin to forgive him for what he did by lying to me and not telling me things? I want to fix this with him but I am so mad and I don't know where to begin to make it better. Please help? Because I do love him and I know seeing him will help him but it won't help me I need some direction.

[martinizing2]

You don' t worry about forgiving him. Worry about getting away from him.

He has shown you that he is a liar and a cheat.

He was cheating on the girl he was cheating on his wife ,with to go with you.
Wow that's love.

For himself and no body else.
And boys like him usually do not change or even want to.
They have what they want so why isn't every one happy.

Oh you.. and a baby that he says may not be his..
I will take a large wager that the baby is his, and he knows it is. I also doubt his wife cheated on him.

Sympathy story's to loosen the panties of the victims.
Which you are one.

There is nothing here to fix or make better.
The direction you need is the direction away from this relationship disaster that is waiting to crash in on you.

Don't talk to him, don't call, don't text, don't wave if you see him.

Please, extract yourself from this boys lies, games , and total disregard for anyone but himself.
The time is now, it will not get easier or less painful in the future.
The longer you wait, the greater the pain and the harder the realization will be.

I wish you well

[Kitkat22]

I can't believe you fell for the old. "my wife is pregnant and it may not belong to me".

He's a liar, a cheater,a user and he may even be an abuser. Leave him alone. There's one born every minute.

[Just Looking]

I agree with Martinizing. I don't see a lot to admire or trust in this guy.

I actually wanted to address another issue in your post. You mention that you lost your father recently. This is not the best time to get into a new relationship. You need to deal with your father's death first. I am speaking from experience. I lost my father (and mother) two years ago. I went through grief counseling at the time and thought I was doing fairly well. Seven months after their deaths, I started dating someone. Like you, I fell for him very quickly. At the time, I thought he was "the one", but looking back on it I think he was an emotional crutch for me. It turned out to be the biggest mistake I've ever made.

There are so many red flags in your post: he's not divorced; there's a paternity question; he's a cheater; he's lied to you; he says mean and hurtful things; and the list goes on. Do yourself a favor - stay away from him, figure out why you would even think you love him, do some healing, and give yourself more respect.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will agree, you should not be forgiving him. You should be thanking god that you are not pregnant by him, and that you found all this out before you wasted too much of your life

[Kitkat22]

About the poem.. I'm surprised he can write.

He cheated on his wife. He didn't cheat on you because he is not married to you. He is seeing another girl? What a shock.

If you have had sex with him I would be more worried about a disease than anything else.

He won't leave the wife... go down to the Courthouse and divorces I think are a matter of public record.
Some correct me if I'm wrong.

In fact if he has filed I'll be surprised. How old are you?

[asmellinger]

His wife did cheat on him, and the baby may not be his that is true he's going to take a dna text this coming weekend.

And he was with this other girl when we started talking, when I asked him to make it official with me he broke it off with the other girl. So I don't think it was cheating he didn't start talking to me with the intention of making something of it.

I do really care about him, and I want to try to make it work. My problem is I don't know how to deal with why I am so angry. I lost my father after I had been with him, it happened after July 4th. I know he does love me, and he cares for me. But I think I have never dealt with someone who deals with everything by being mad. I know I want to try to make it work and I do want to see him, but I feel like I can never go forward if I can't let go of why I am so mad. I feel like it's everything just piled up, the things he says when he is angry, being angry at myself for screwng up and seeing him. I don't know what to do, Ive cried my eyes for week and a day now, and I am not one to get mad like this. I want to let go of why I am mad but I am not sure how to.

About the poem..I'm surprised he can write.

He cheated on his wife. He didn't cheat on you because he is not married to you. He is seeing another girl? What a shock.

If you have had sex with him I would be more worried about a disease than anything else.

He won't leave the wife...go down to the Courthouse and divorces I think are a matter of public record.
Some correct me if I'm wrong.

In fact if he has filed I'll be surprised. How old are you?

He has filied I know he has, I've seen him talking to his mom about it
And I'm 20 and he is 22


I don't know how to edit, but his ex-wife lives in another state and she is with someone else and wants to be. So it isn't so much as her as a problem she does know about me, and that he is/was with me.

[Kitkat22]

his wife did cheat on him, and the baby may not be his that is true hes going to take a dna text this comming weekend.

and he was with this other girl when we started talking, when i asked him to make it offical with me he broke it off with the other girl. so i dont think it was cheating he didnt start talking to me with the intention of making something of it.

I do really care about him, and I want to try to make it work. My problem is I don't know how to deal with why i am so angry. I lost my father after I had been with him, it happend after july 4th. I know he does love me, and he cares for me. But I think I have never dealt with someone who deals with everything by being mad. I know I want to try to make it work and I do want to see him, but I feel like I can never go forward if I can't let go of why I am so mad. I feel like it's everything just piled up, the things he says when he is angry, being angry at myself for screwng up and seeing him. I don't know what to do, Ive cried my eyes for week and a day now, and I am not one to get mad like this. I want to let go of why I am mad but I am not sure how to.

Listen to me. He's a liar and you are in for a world of hurt if you keep on.

He will drag you down to his level. He know's the baby is his. Go talk to the wife.

You didn't say how old you are?

[martinizing2]

e.

But I think I have never dealt with someone who deals with everything by being mad. I know I want to try to make it work and I do want to see him, but I feel like I can never go forward if I can't let go of why I am so mad.

I feel like it's everything just piled up, the things he says when he is angry, being angry at myself for screwng up and seeing him. I don't know what to do, Ive cried my eyes for week and a day now, and I am not one to get mad like this. I want to let go of why I am mad but I am not sure how to.

You cannot deal a person who handles everything by getting mad .
There is no way anybody can live with a person like that.

You have seen enough to know this, even if you are not admitting it to yourself.
I think that is why you are mad, frustration. And the dawning awareness of the hopelessness of trying to make a relationship out of this tangled web you got yourself into.

This is not only a dead end, it ends at a cliff .

You need to stop, turn around and get out asap.

This entire situation you are in is an entire garden of red flags. Every indicator there is says NO , GET OUT, RUN. You should.

[asmellinger]

Listen to me. He's a liar and you are in for a world of hurt if you keep on.

He will drag you down to his level. He know's the baby is his. Go talk to the wife.

You didn't say how old you are?

I know he doesn't know the baby is his, that is why he is taking a DNA test, if he knew he wouldn't be doing that

I did, I am 20 and he is 22.

I know he didn't lie about any of the stuff with his ex-wife. SHe is with the other guy now and lives in a total diff state then he does.

My question was how do I get over being mad, I know I hurt him and he is angry too but I want to find a way for both of us to get past it, and I don't know how.

e.

You cannot deal a person who handles everything by getting mad .
There is no way anybody can live with a person like that.

You have seen enough to know this, even if you are not admitting it to yourself.
I think that is why you are mad, frustration. And the dawning awareness of the hopelessness of trying to make a relationship out of this tangled web you got yourself into.

This is not only a dead end, it ends at a cliff .

You need to stop, turn around and get out asap.

This entire situation you are in is an entire garden of red flags. Every indicator there is says NO , GET OUT, RUN. you should.

I am already to far into to runaway and I don't want to really. When we get along everything is amazing. The problems we have now are because he thinks I don't care because I didn't want to see him. I let myself get scared and my insecurities put up a wall and now I don't know how to get back someone I pushed so far away. I am more angry at myself for hurting him and pushing him away. I know he cares about me. That I don't question.

[Kitkat22]

I think the anger probably comes from losing your Dad. That is the hardest thing I ever had to go through in my life and even though it's been a few years, it still hurts.

You are in the anger stage of grief now. It will last a while. The first stage is shock and disbelief. Next is anger and next is grief and acceptance.

Let yourself grieve properly or you will never learn to cope. Leave this guy alone and find a grief counselor to talk with.

[Jake2008]

Anger is one of those emotions that can mask itself in many ways.

It can be because of a loss that you have some resentment toward, it may be because of the disappointments because basic expectations are not met, or when they are, they come up short, and don't last.

You may be angry because you have to adjust, cope with, and accept the drama that your boyfriend/ex boyfriend, has brought into your life. The anger may have to do with him not being truthful, it may have to do with how he treats you poorly despite you doing your best to be understanding and helpful.

You may be angry because you are facing more stress in the days ahead, and he is nowhere near being 'free', without any encumbrances. You may be angry because if he is forever tied to his past, there will be more drama in your life than you would like, and you could resent knowing the future is going to be more of the same.

You may be angry with yourself for falling in love with him in the first place, because it has caused you, problems that you have no control over.

You might be angry because, despite everything, you know that you are in for more of the same, and there is no balance between his life now, and your life together- let alone a future.

While you are sitting waiting for him to sort his s**t out, which has nothing to do with you, there is no guarantee that what he finally comes to terms with, will make any difference in your relationship with him. For example, he very well may be the father of this baby, and that baby will be in your future, for at least two decades. I'd be angry to be put in that position myself. It is a huge expectation to put on someone.

You may also be angry because you are not finding the commitment, or dedication that you deservie, and when he's good he's very very good, but when reality sets in, well, I don't see him dealing with it very well. Think of five years from now, 10 years. Will the entire future for you, be based on all the deceipt, lies and responsibilities he has created for himself now? You are getting far more than one man, in one relationship. This guy has baggage. Enough to fill a whole baggage car.

You are 20 years old! Time to put on your big girl pants, and sift through the reality of the situation you are in, before you are in so deep you cannot get out.

You cannot control him or change his past, nor do you have any reasonable expectation of a 'normal' relationship with him as it stands now.

What you can control is your own destiny, using your own power and control over your life, and make decisions based on common sense and intelligence.

Do you really want the future that has been painted for you- or do you want to forge your own way toward something far more healthy and appropriate.

[Kitkat22]

Why is it that some women like the bad boy? The one who is mean to them? You can't fix him honey. So let's go forward a couple of years and you're married to this loser.

Picture it. You are pregnant and have a child. His anger has turned to slapping. He's out with another young thing telling her you and he are getting a divorce and your child is not his.

He will do it to you, just as he done it to his wife and you'll become his punching bag. Think about it.

[asmellinger]

Why is it that some women like the bad boy? The one who is mean to them? You can't fix him honey. So let's go forward a couple of years and you're married to this loser.

Picture it. You are pregnant and have a child. His anger has turned to slapping. He's out with another young thing telling her you and he are getting a divorce and your child is not his.

He will do it to you, just as he done it to his wife and you'll become his punching bag. Think about it.

He would never hurt me
And he never cheated on her
She did the cheating. I didn't make a post bash him, but because I wanted a way to get over being mad.

Anger is one of those emotions that can mask itself in many ways.

It can be because of a loss that you have some resentment toward, it may be because of the disappointments because basic expectations are not met, or when they are, they come up short, and don't last.

You may be angry because you have to adjust, cope with, and accept the drama that your boyfriend/ex boyfriend, has brought into your life. The anger may have to do with him not being truthful, it may have to do with how he treats you poorly despite you doing your best to be understanding and helpful.

You may be angry because you are facing more stress in the days ahead, and he is nowhere near being 'free', without any encumbrances. You may be angry because if he is forever tied to his past, there will be more drama in your life than you would like, and you could resent knowing the future is going to be more of the same.

You may be angry with yourself for falling in love with him in the first place, because it has caused you, problems that you have no control over.

You might be angry because, despite everything, you know that you are in for more of the same, and there is no balance between his life now, and your life together- let alone a future.

While you are sitting waiting for him to sort his s**t out, which has nothing to do with you, there is no guarantee that what he finally comes to terms with, will make any difference in your relationship with him. For example, he very well may be the father of this baby, and that baby will be in your future, for at least two decades. I'd be angry to be put in that position myself. It is a huge expectation to put on someone.

You may also be angry because you are not finding the committment, or dedication that you deservie, and when he's good he's very very good, but when reality sets in, well, I don't see him dealing with it very well. Think of five years from now, 10 years. Will the entire future for you, be based on all the deceipt, lies and responsibilities he has created for himself now? You are getting far more than one man, in one relationship. This guy has baggage. Enough to fill a whole baggage car.

You are 20 years old! Time to put on your big girl pants, and sift through the reality of the situation you are in, before you are in so deep you cannot get out.

You cannot control him or change his past, nor do you have any reasonable expectation of a 'normal' relationship with him as it stands now.

What you can control is your own destiny, using your own power and control over your life, and make decisions based on common sense and intelligence.

Do you really want the future that has been painted for you- or do you want to forge your own way toward something far more healthy and appropriate.

I'm sure a lot of it has to do with losing my dad I lost my mom less then a year ago I'm 20 and I don't really have any family. I realized that if I were to get married id have no one there and a lot of my anger is there but talking to a grief counsler won't help because I've been through that with my mom I think I'm mad because when that happened he was mad at me and I really just need to hear that he cares and I know he won't tell me on his own. I just need to know a postitive way to get over being angry and to let it go I hold on to things and its causing all these problems I need to learn how to let go.

[Jake2008]

It's your call, nobody can make the decision for you.

You can remain with him, trying to work things out, carry the anger around, or, you could try being on your own, and just concentrating on yourself, your needs, wants, aspirations, etc.

It is kind of a never ending loop. Anger- regret- compromise. Perhaps this will be how the relationship will go.

Personally, I think you deserve much better.

[Kitkat22]

It's your call, nobody can make the decision for you.

You can remain with him, trying to work things out, carry the anger around, or, you could try being on your own, and just concentrating on yourself, your needs, wants, aspirations, etc.

It is kind of a never ending loop. Anger- regret- compromise. Perhaps this will be how the relationship will go.

Personally, I think you deserve much better.

I agree with Jake. I also think you need to give yourself time to grieve properly. Spend some time doing what you want to do. Don't fool around with this guy.

[Just Looking]

I can understand why you are angry, having lost both your parents. I was devastated when my parents died, and I was angry, lonely, sad, and a little desperate. I was 26 at the time. You're dealing with this at only 20. It took around a year for me to lose that anger. It was easing over time, but it didn't take much for it to flare.

In your original post, you were angry at your boyfriend and only talked about the negative aspects of your relationship. What are the positive aspects? Why do you want to be with him? It's always a concern when someone falls for someone so quickly. It takes time to get to know another person. You have only known him for 2 ½ months and look how troubled your relationship is already.

You mentioned how you are angry that there will be no one there when you get married. I am getting married in two months. I had those same feelings at first when I thought about getting married, but when I met my fiancé and became close to his family I let that go. He is there for me. His family is there for me. I also know in my heart that my parents are there for me, just not physically present. It's too soon for you to worry about this. You are still too upset. It will get better. It starts getting better when you start accepting what has happened and working constructively to have a better life. It will also get better if you do the things you need to do to be independent and able to take care of yourself. I really hope you give it time.

[talaniman]

You want to stop being mad? Then give yourself plenty of time to let the emotional dust settle, and you get clarity of thought, and a proper healing from what you have gone through. Then you can make better decisions based on facts, and NOT just feelings.

But it starts with removing yourself from the situation, and the confusion of other peoples problems, letting them deal with there own issues, and you cope with your own, without any influence, but your own common sense. Only then can you get at the root cause of your anger, and deal with it.