[alex_m]

Hi everyone,

I will start by saying that I'm a French canadien so English is not my main language but I can still manage well with it. So please, if you don't understand something ask me to specify/explain. I will try my best to make my text structured and readable.

I'm a soon to be 20 years old man. I will be attending college in 2 weeks. I'm the type to always try to help everyone out even if, at the end, it does me more harm than good. (I know that's one problem that I really need to solve.) I met a girl 4 years ago in High School and learned more and more about her during those 4 years. She was kind of like my best friend. I always had feelings for her during those years yet it never ended anywhere since we where both unsure of the other's feelings. I was always there for her, listening to her problems and helping her out.

She's one year younger and has a pretty weird past. The kind of girl that was constantly picked on when younger. Her mom and dad split when she was born because her dad cheated on her mother so she sees him rarely. Now her dad got accused of incest by my ex's step mother which we really doubt is real. She had a time when she was emotional unstable and had multiple boyfriends who she left for many reasons and she also got kind of bullied/made fun of/harassed about it. You know the kind of girl, really beautiful, smart, attractive yet with no self-esteem and finding herself more and more. She got it really hard and never seemed to solve her problems and I was always there trying to help her out.

Rewind in May. Before I left for a backpack trip to Italy she comes to my house and act all weird telling me that she doesn't want me to meet and do one nights with other girls in Italy even if I'm not a one-night type of man (We weren't together). **On another note; while I'm typing this I'm still trying to help out someone with her problems... Can't help myself... I really need to work on me it's getting me crazy, I'm litteraly destroyed and I'm trying to solve another one problem.** So here she is, acting all weird because I'm going solo in Italy for 6 weeks. She goes all-in and kiss me right before she leaves my house. At this time I'm wondering what's up... Starting to understand all what's going yet not quite sure. I take my plane next day. During my trip, halfway through it, she writes me and finally tells me that she loves me. I was in the same state of mind so we chatted for the 3 remaining weeks. During that time she started planning all kind of stuff for us, seemed all hyped about us. I landed at the airport, the movie-kiss scene happened.

Everything is good the first month. Not perfect but nothing is perfect and I was happy so was she.

End of July, everything is going down hill. She's distant and starting to act weird. She has trouble trusting and seems to start to doubt about us. She break it up. I tell her that I want to go NC. She comes back next day telling me how she's lost... She is starting to tell me how she can't make me happy, how much she's worthless and good for nothing. She questions herself for everything. I finally succeed to bring her back on track and believe. She tells me how one of her ex is messing with her and wants it to stop, I tell her I'm willing to help her in a good way which she never seemed to do. Everything is fine for 2 weeks. Than goes another dark 4 days where she act cold, distant. No call, no text, no nothing unless I call/text her and yet she's cold. I'm starting to understand what the hell is going on. I break it up first when she was coming over to call it quit, even If I love her so much. I did that for her best, in a good mannered way. She seemed surprised, dazed and lost. She told me she was feeling like passing out, feeling dizzy after I told her everything.

Now here we are, today, August 12. I failed to NC when she messaged me that one of our mutual girl friend was telling her how a ****ty and a messed up person she is and how much she is worthless. She told me that she showed no emotion (which I really doubt, it surely hurts her, she care a lot about what other people thinks). So, since I love her and miss her already, I said 'Fxxx it', I will try to cheer her up one more time. I surely did that hoping she would realize what she is missing without me...
I asked if she had 30 minutes for me and headed with my jogging shoes to her house and forced her to run with me which we never did in the past. She wasn't responding very well at the beginning since she was acting still weird and negative. I still forced her and asked her to do this for me. She putted her shoes on and started running and was telling me how she can no longer run, that she is already tired. I forced her again. She ran some more. We came back to her house and she seemed way better, smiled many times asking my why I did that. I told her ''I don't know I just had to do it''. Chit-chatted about nothing for 2 minutes and told her I had to leave. Headed to my car and she asked me to come back which I did. Chit-chatted 30 more seconds and she asked me what I was doing tonight, I answered that I didn't know that I have studies to do and maybe meet some friends. She seemed all happy suddenly after the run. She smiled, I headed back again to my car, never looked back. She told me, while I was walking back to my car; '' You are crazy... '' with a smile that I could feel burning my back, a great sensation. I answered without looking back; ''I sure am''. Wondering what the heck I was trying to do, doing this... Felt good on the way back home, four hours later same crash as before... Starting missing her and feeling horrible.

No more texts/call from her since than. I'm going through ups and downs, as I'm being busy or not. I miss her a lot, and I love her a lot. She really need to solve her issues and I tried to make her fix them by breaking up, because she was about to do so and I wanted her to think about her problems.

Some things;

- She loves me I know it.
- She seems troubled by other persons.
- She is surely having trouble with the past and the other people opinions.
- I fear that she doesn't make choices by herself.

- I'm emotionally destroyed. I can't study, I'm having huge downs feeling like complete ****.
- I find myself asking if we will be back.
- I'm wondering 24h/24 if she's getting hitted on/emotionally abused by an ex or another man, taking advantage of her flaws. I don't want her to make stupid moves. She is getting it on by complete garbage men even when we were together.

There is so much to say, I'm feeling better after writing this but I know that I have a long way to go. I will be adding stuff as you guys question and try to help me reach my head back on track...

I sincerely thank anyone who read that and gave advices,


A young man who just got hit by life severely

[talaniman]

This female has issues she needs to resolve, and you have neither the skills, maturity or experience to help her. I think your just friends trying to make more of it than either of you is ready for or really needs. True you both need something, but its not each other right now.

Leave it quits, and give her and you a proper healing, and get on with your own life, and pray she finds a way to get herself to a better place to be happy without you enabling her any longer.

She needs to find her own path, whatever that is and not latch on yours for direction in her life.

You want to fix things for your friend, and while I understand that, you will only do more harm than good.

Follow your own path, and let her find hers.

[alex_m]

Yeah but she loves me and I love her... she just change her mind every 2 weeks, going from happy to complete darkness...


I will be seeing a specialist very soon because I feel the need. My first three year old relationship with my other girlfriend I saw dark for 8 months. I don't want it to be this way this time and I need to learn how to do it, to understand how to do it.

That's a huge hit on the ego...

[talaniman]

A specialist for yourself, I hope? While that's a good idea, what about her, and forget your ego. It is irrelevant to what she needs my friend.

Yeah, love sounds good, for NOW. But for how long?

[alex_m]

Yes a specialist for me. I feel the need... It can only do me good.

I can't force her to see someone more than I did the last 2 months. I did all I could do.

You have good questions, thanks... makes me think.

If you have anything else to add, I truly appreciate it. Thanks talaniman.

[talaniman]

I think this is the first real hard decision you have to make for yourself, and as overwhelming as the feelings may seem, you already have enough facts to make a good decision for yourself.

Stop all the contact, and let both of you have time to heal from this confusion.

[alex_m]

What can I do about the question in my head about where she is, if she's sleeping with another one, etc... Any output?

[Homegirl 50]

What she may or may not be doing is none of your business and you have to occupy your time and mind and not even go there.

You too need a bit of help but you don't need each other. You probably should have stayed strictly friends, she probably knows that which is why she is hot and cold.
You two need to find you own way, but not with each other. Neither of you are equipped to be what the other needs right now.
I wish you well

[talaniman]

Homegirl is so right, while you can't help but think about her, and be concerned just because you do care, what she does is none of your business. You are young, and inexperienced, but I am sure you have a normal life, and things you do besides her, and I truly hope you get with doing your own thing, and letting her do hers.

The thoughts will fade in intensity, and frequency in time if you don't dwell on them, or seek her out in any form or fashion, until you get your head wrapped around the idea that romance is impossible, and unrealistic. You have many other things to do besides being distracted by the problems of another, and making her problems yours.

[Abdull]

Hey, I have been there where you are now. I know what's your problem, You are too nice. You got to have some attitude or she'll **** your mind. She is very confusing and she doesn't give a about you because when she is acting weird, She knows that you are in pain but she still does that, Maybe for fun or whatever that is you need to get away from it. I'm just like you, I like to think of me as a problem solver but some problems cannot be solved and the only way to deal with it is by running from them. I don't mean to say that leave her or whatever but give her time, Not one or two weeks but some months or maybe a year. If she comes for you, take her back as your friend but don't let her control your life like. But for now what you got to do is RUNNN