[adzilla]

Hello there!
I'm texting with a hope that my problem is resolved. My fiancé lives in another city about 1000 km away from mine. She is my cousin and about 10 months ago we were engaged. After our engagement I have been feeling that my fiancé does not want to communicate with me. At start I felt she is a bit shy but later I realized that she ignores me. I told her openly that we should develop understanding and should frequently talk about our future. She started communication but with a gesture of cold shoulder. Later one day she texted this to me: " what do u want to know abt me? don't take me serious for the time being. i don't wan to hurt you so plzz..."
I don't know what that text means. I can't understand what politics is cooking inside her mind. I asked her in very start if she doesn't want me, tell me. She said " i better start thinking about u now". Now this rude tone from her has made me confused. I'm silent. Help me out, as how to react

[Just_Another_Lemming]

adzilla, are you in India? Is this an arranged engagement/marriage? I suspect the answer to both questions is yes. Right now, we here are in the same boat as you are in. We can only guess what she is feeling & thinking because no one knows what is going on in someone else's mind. So, here are some things for you to think about:

If this was arranged by both sets of parents, even though you told her to let you know if she doesn't want you, her parents might have pushed her to accept your offer.

Right now, you live far away and you are a stranger to her. She may just need some time to get used to the idea of marriage to you. Maybe you are moving too fast with all your talk about future plans and it is scaring her? Can you slow down your excitement and start trying to build a friendship with her first? Ask her if she is well, ask what her interests in life are, what she does with her friends, if she has any hobbies,. You need to find a way to start reassuring her that you are a nice guy and will treat her with love and respect. If you can get her to start sharing her ideas with you, you might find her more receptive later on to talking to you about
Your future together.

[adzilla]

Thanks for your concern and advise. I strongly agree with your points. In fact I myself adopted this scheme earlier when I stopped texting her and gave her time. I feel the same thing that her parents might have pushed her. Your points made me remember how her mother loves me and wants me as her son. Now when I asked her in polite tone if she has been pushed into a decision in favour of me, she replied she respects what her parents feel for her future. And then she said she doesnot want anyone to be hurt. Once she said my parents must have tought deeply in it and their decision in favour of you musy have been a wise decision. I feel you are right and I now agree she is a bit nervous.
p.s I want to add one thing more. Her mother chose among two proposals. One from my mom and one from my mom's younger sister for her son who lives in the same city as her's. I asked my fiancé once if she feels she would be better and happy with him then tell me. I would take it on my shouilders to break this engagement and no one would come to know that she likes that other guy. My fiancé said I will go with why parents decision. I feel she is too much intimidated by my wealth, as I belong to a rich family. Lets see what comes out of the sack. For the time being I'm silent and not making any further contact with her.

[Just_Another_Lemming]

adzilla, you sound like a very nice and thoughtful man. I am sure you will make her a very good husband.

Yes, for the time being, leave her alone. Then, do as I suggest. Keep the conversation light, don't make any demands on her. Ask her how her health is, ask her what her interests are, show that you care about what is on her mind and that you are interested in what she has to say. Start building a friendship with her. She needs to feel comfortable with you and to feel that she can trust you. If you handle this situation with compassion as I believe you are capable of, she will begin to trust you and eventually fall in love with you. I don't know how else to put this and I hope the language isn't a barrier here, but take the time to make love to her brain. Do you understand what I am saying? I hope so. You appear to be highly educated and very fluent in English.

[adzilla]

This is a sheer help and right what I was asking for. I hope get a fruitful response when I adopt these guidelines. Yes I am highly educated and a proud son of a very humble parents. I wish you goodluck and thank you for your support. Its always betetr to make love to the brain of the lady who is a bit nervous. I would love to stay in contact with you in future. Goodnight

[Just_Another_Lemming]

You have a good night too. I truly wish you the best of luck.

In the future, all you have to do is return to this web site and post your question. :)

[talaniman]

In America we pick our own mates, (most of the time), but you have to realize her fear of the future, and the fact as JAL pointed out, she doesn't know you. That is something you have control over by letting her see you as you are, and being at least comfortable, and not controlled.

Maybe she will fall in love, maybe she won't, but its better if you befriend her gently so you both know if there is a chance for love and romance in the future.

I do applaud your willingness to let her go if she doesn't want to marry you though. That's a first class decision on your part.

[adzilla]

Dear talanimam!
I am deeply impressed by your words. Its good to see a senior family & people expert guide me towards better decision making. I have spent a life where I took girls non seriously. I admit I tried to be more control winning rather than being a comfortable. Now it's a matter of my future life and the girl is not my girl friend. I in fact don't know anything about her. So I need to be causious and serious this time. JAL and you are in a better state of mind to understand how do I feel about her. Keep guiding me as I'm about to apply what you people told me. The result? Well you people will be the first to know

[adzilla]

Hi, I posted a question a few weeks back when I said my fiancé wants me not to take her seriously. The question was addressed so wonderfully by people. I need another help now.
Ever since I did what I was told to do by people here, I started a good tunned life with her. Now recently she uttered something that made me think about our engagement future.
She said she doesn't want to communicate with me as she is sooooo confused and nervous. Even when we haven't discussed anything about our marriage yet, she still shows herself as a very shy girl. I don't know if a girl would be shy if a guy who is her future husband stays contained and asks only about her likings, dislikings, her siblings, her parents, her job, her education only. My mind started jolting when one day she said this
"logo k to nikkah toot jatey hain ye to sirf mangni hay" (people even end their marriage, so what's the status of an engagement".) then one day she said " our engagement is not that open and declared. So that's y she doesn't want to talk to me". i said lets get it done and tell every single relative of ours abt it then. she said i wana share my thoughts and my love with only the person i would become a bride for.
this has made me sit down and think twice. am i wrong somewhere? or am i being played. help me out people, as i think this heavenly relation is abt to end. i endup with these words "its easier to be a flert and develop wrong relations with girls now a days, but it's a tough deal to be honest and to develop a neat relation with a girl I guess"

Anticipating support
adzilla :(

[martinizing2]

It sounds to me like there is something not right going on.

Or a more blunt way to put it; I think she is playing you like a fisherman does a fish.

I am glad that love has not blinded you to the point of missing these flags. Many many do, and pay a high price for doing it.

Proceed with caution my friend, if you choose to proceed at all.

I wish you well

[adzilla]

thanks for your concern and advise. I value the words of experienced people a lot. My fiancé might be playing with mee but soon she is going to realize she is playing with her good future. Today she openly said she has a 100% willingness in this relation. Time to time she tries to provoke me so that I burst up and then she can cash that opportunity. I'm causious because I care for our relations. Otherwise there are plenty of girls waiting in queue. They always are.

[jmjoseph]

No more "textspeak" here please. "Abt,cuz,y..." It's against the rules and terms of service.

[Kitkat22]

No more "textspeak" here please. "Abt,cuz,y..." It's against the rules and terms of service.

First of all when I read what you called your fiancé, it made me realize you are not being very gracious to her if you call her stupid. Try to respect her and remember , "stupid is as stupid does". I've called people that before and I found myself being called down. Not a nice word for someone you love.

[jmjoseph]

thanx for your concern and advise. i value the words of experienced people alot. my fiance might be playing with mee but soon she is gona realize she is playing with her good future. today she openly said she has a 100% willingness in this relation. time to time she tries to provoke me so that i burst up and then she can cash that opportunity. i m causious bcz i care for our relations. otherwise there are plenty of girls waiting in queue. they always are.

Oh, so the ladies are just lined up to be with you? You wouldn't think that a "girl magnet" like yourself would be having problems.

It must be because you call them "stupid".

"Queue" I wonder...

[Kitkat22]

Oh, so the ladies are just lined up to be with you? You wouldn't think that a "girl magnet" like yourself would be having problems.

It must be because you call them "stupid".

"Queue" I wonder....

I'm sure you wow them with your intellect. If you continue the way you are acting, she'll find someone else.

[Enigma1999]

Hello Adzilla,

If the women are lined up waiting for you, then perhaps you should leave your "Stupid fiance" and be with one of them.

... just saying

[Jake2008]

I am not getting the impression that your girlfriend is taking you seriously, because I don't hear you saying you are planning to marry her. You sound more like you are assuming that you will marry her, but no hard and fast promise to her.

If you were to present her with an engagement ring, and ask her over a nice romantic dinner if she would marry you- and assuming she said yes- then you would know where she stands, and the engagement would be official.

Have you actually proposed to her? Or are you stringing her along.

[J_9]

Did I read right? Did you actually call her STUPID? Really?

I hope she decides not to go through with this marriage if that's how you are going to treat her behind her back.

otherwise there are plenty of girls waiting in queue. they always are.

Are you always this conceited? You are such a good catch? Would you call these other girls stupid as well?

[adzilla]

To Joseoh, Kit, and J9!

Dear three of you! My relationship with her was based on purity. The girl is clearly hanging me in the queue she has put up for herself. Right 2 days back she told me she has few good alternate proposals. Now would any one tell me if a girl is engaged and she still is looking for an alternate, isn't this a stupid approach? And about the girls waiting for me? Well actually there are three other girls who deserve more than my current fiancé. My parents had thought about them a good time ago. We agreed for my current fiancé because in our part of the world WELL OFF people don't give you their duaghter if you refuse to get dovery (Jahaiz we call it) and lower class people can't give you their daughter because they get intimidated as they can't afford dovery. I chose my current fiancé (MEHREEN) bacause she is my cousin. I had absolutely no idea that I would have to hear those words "people have their marriages ended up, its just an engagement.". None of the three judges I'm quoting here had a word about this stupid sentence of my fiancé. I'm not a bad guy but your comments prove me to be a very very bad guy. And I feel you three are taking her side in protesting against my word stupid for her. I agree with enigma though. Please help me out whether I should end this engagement or carry on with it. I appreciate your concerns but right now I need advise not taunts

[adzilla]

Plus I feel one thing here. This forum has advisors, both males and females. The females are all taking side of my fiancé ignoring the facts that I mentioned in my two questions. How would you measure the fiancé of mine after reading my texts? Attacking me? Just because her attitude has made me think twice on such a relation that was based on purity. Ladies I'm not trying to bed her, I'm trying to fix her, as she is totally confused