[destiny21]

I have a brother 5 yrs older than me as long as I can remember he talked me into doing sextual things with him. That was my only sibling and we lived in the middle of no where so it was basically my only friend. It wasn't till I was eleven years old when he convinced me to have actual intercorse. This went on till I realized this wasn't right at all I was about 14 or 15 when one day I refused and he just did it anyway... I attempted to shove him off but was to scared of getting introuble to yell , and had convinced myself since I didn't yell or say no it was not rape. After that he left me alone and acted like nothing happened. I still to this day have not spoke of or confronted him about this I also acted like nothing had happened. I am now 20 years old and in the past year or so feelings started to surface I always told myself we were young and he didn't know any beter but when I was 14 or 15 he was my age!! And now thinking about it makes me sick. He also used to get me drunk or high or bribe me with alcohol to "come in his bedroom" (the drugs started at 11 also) I never knew then, but I know now I have been struggling with depression as long as I can remember and I am starting to believe I am now an acoholic (and possibly a sex addict I think it gives me a sense of control) My parents are good christian people my mom is also a mentally very weak(I don't mean that in a bad way) and emotional person. I tend to get myself into trouble I'm very selfdestructive so naterally I am the "bad" one of the family. I have told my mom something happened to me when I was younger and I think I need to talk to someone ( she didn't even want to know what or who, which I found very hard to understand) Its just hard for me to watch him be the favorite and me the one with the problems when HE caused them. I don't completely hate my brother which is weird but he discusts me as a person. I just don't know if its worth tearing my family apart and I don't think my mom could handle it if I told her ( or maybe not even believe me) and I have been holding it in for so long I could not even imagine mentioning it to my brother. Ive held it in so long even when I think of it now it doesn't seem like it was real. I recently moved back home with my parents and my brother lives here also... im not really sure what to do but its tearing me up inside to live like this. It seems like I just can't move on but I honestly don't think my mom could handle something like this she would probibly blame herself. Im not financially stable to move out... help some advice please I have no idea what to do!

[Alty]

Have you ever considered counseling. That would be the first step to take.

What scares me about you not telling is that your brother could do this to someone else, if he hasn't already. He wasn't a child, he was an adult, and he did rape you. This is not your fault.

Counseling will help you deal with the feelings you're having, help you deal with the past and it will also help you be better able to handle speaking to your parents and confronting your brother.

The fact that you have no choice but to live with him right now is worrisome. I can only imagine what I would do if I had to live with my molester. Not an option.

Do you have another family member you can live with until you get the money to move out?

[destiny21]

No when I was 18 I just left and stayed with friends till I got anapartment, and I just recently lost it. I plan on talking to a counsler soon.

[destiny21]

Update***** If anyone reads this... I did end up telling my parents quit drinking and have changed drastically. After reading this old post some things did get harder like still not understanding my mother... she knew something happened already... and didn't blame herself at all, after telling me she knew someone hurt me but didn't know who... and never asked I kind of starting to blame her... but its no ones fault... could she have reacted better... yes... but she was not my abuser! Its been a journey and its far from over but we are as sick as our secrets... for anyone in this situation tell someone holding it in will eat you up!