[Molecular]

All right guys, I went through a bad breakup some two years ago and you helped me tremendously then, so I'm hoping you can help me again!

So here's the deal, I started dating my current girlfriend around 7 months ago, but I'm constantly getting the feeling that she's not interested in me. She won't say she loves me or that she cares about me unless I say it first, she'll rarely initiate contact unless I do it first, and I plan most of our dates. However, when we are together, things are fine and dandy. I make her laugh all the time, we have sex like 4 times each time we're together and she always spends the night. But the second we're not spending time together, it's like I don't even exist to her. This was quite horrible during our exam periods because we sometimes couldn't meet up to 5-6 days at a time and it was somehow killing me, but knowing I'd meet her in a while helped and it always ended up fixing things.


The thing is however, one week ago summer vacations started and she left back to her hometown to live with her parents and to be with old friends and family and such. And this last week has been killing me, to the point where I'm almost thinking that this relationship isn't worth it anymore, because I genuinely don't believe my girlfriend wants to be with me. Thing is though, right before she left I mentioned how I'll miss her, she said she'd miss me too and that I should come visit her this summer, so we set something up. This pretty much means I'll live in her parents house for a while this summer which means meeting her family and all of her old high-school friends and such. I'm finding it odd she'd invite me to do this if she didn't want to be with me, but if that is the case, why in the world is she acting so distant when we're not together?

As an example, a few days ago I had a lot on my mind and I kind of missed her voice so I asked her if I could give her a call cause typing it all out was stressfull. She replied: "Naw I don't really wanna talk to you", then 30 seconds later she said: "nah i'm just joking, call me if you want". Call me if you want? After leaving me hanging there for 30 seconds, I really didn't want to talk to her at that point so I made up some stuff that I better not because I was packing some bags and couldn't multitask it properly.

I realize the most promient advice is going to be: "talk to her about it". Well, I kind of don't want to talk to her about it because what I've learnt from women is that showing them you care about these things might put them off. If I do end up talking to her though, when and how do you suggest I do it? Before I go see her, on the phone, while I'm over there or when I get back? Question being, is there any specific reason why she might be acting so distant when we're not together? Is she not interested? Is she just tagging me along? Or is she just bad at showing her emotions or awkward when it comes to msn/texting? If it helps, usually when I stop contacting her she'll end up contacting me, but sometimes she doesn't and we go like 5 days without talking, this is feeling very weird to me.


Any advice on this would be very helpful.

[redhed35]

Sounds like your insecure needy and a tinge of desperate,she sounds confident, busy,happy and sure of herself.

Maybe take a leaf out of her book,she invited you to stay,your going to meet her friends and family,if that does not say 'serious' to you,I don't know what else will.

Maybe she's not the type girl to gush when your together,if she's still present and engaging with you,that's not distant,that's everyday normal stuff.

It takes time to settle into a relationship,maybe she's past the stage where everything is so intense, she may be just enjoying the relationship at the stage its at now.

[Dornraben]

I think you're over-reacting. She's said nothing that implies she's unhappy - far from it. She just expresses her feelings in a different way, and hasn't made you as high a priority in her life as you seem to have to made her.

Trust me, getting insecure about your girlfriend's distance is a sure-fire way to hasten its demise. She'll see you as needy, clingy and smothering.

It sounds as though you have a good thing going. Don't chuck it away*.

(*I wish I'd come on here six months ago when I was having similar doubts to you, and taken advice from people like redhead35... )

[talaniman]

You seem to be to carried away by her showing you love, but fail to see that maybe that's just her style. Very different from your ex. Maybe that's the problem, you need more than she can give you.

Back up guy, and slow down, because you are just getting to know her after 7 months and already you are questioning her, instead of relaxing and going with the flow and enjoying the get to knowing each other. All you see are negatives that need fixing, but don't know how.

Maybe you expect too much, aren't getting enough, or are being unrealistic, but just stop and think. Is she the only thing in your life that makes you happy? Or are you depending on her to make you happy?

Answer those questions for yourself, and make adjustments to what your doing, so you won't be so carried away, and feeling bad, when she is NOT there with you.

Still having trouble when good things aren't happening I see. Pay attention to yourself, as you need a life that you enjoy, to provide a healthy balance to your life.

[ZoeMarie]

Until I got in here, and started reading some of the questions and answers, I used to think that my husband and I should do everything together, well not everything, but I thought that when he played video games that he shouldn't be so that we could do things together. Video games are something he likes to do for fun and so I thought, what do I do for fun? At that point, it was pretty much nothing. Now I got to the gym, go for walks with the dogs, I've started doing more things out in the yard. My husband and I still spend a lot of time together, but we also have our own time too.

It's time for you to find some things that you like to do so you're not so dependent on her to make you happy. Take up a new hobby, or start something that you've always wanted to do. Hang out with friends, grill out, have bon fires, play games, whatever it is you like to do.

[Molecular]

I appreciate your answers and they make me feel better. I have a lot going on in my life actually, been busy almost every day so far this summer, but I'm guessing the core of the problem might be that my last girlfriend (whom I was with for 4.5 years) was the clingy type. As a result I guess I'm just getting something completely different than what I'm used to. My ex would get somewhat mad too if I stopped showing her affection, so I guess it's just the way I'm used to running relationships and reading if someone is interested.

It took me a long time getting used to being single, I guess it might take me a long time to get used to being in a relationship where everything is different, too. Thanks again!

[Kitkat22]

A whole thirty seconds! Wow!

Lighten up... or you will totally mess up.

[redhed35]

I appreciate your answers and they make me feel better. I have a lot going on in my life actually, been busy almost every day so far this summer, but I'm guessing the core of the problem might be that my last girlfriend (whom I was with for 4.5 years) was the clingy type. As a result I guess I'm just getting something completely different than what I'm used to. My ex would get somewhat mad too if I stopped showing her affection, so I guess it's just the way I'm used to running relationships and reading if someone is interested.

It took me a long time getting used to being single, I guess it might take me a long time to get used to being in a relationship where everything is different, too. Thanks again!

4.5 years is a long time in a relationship,and you get used to a certain style,your over that now and your new girl is different,enjoy the newness of her,enjoy this new dynamic,think of it as refreshing and there's room to breathe now,get used to a new way of doing things,and think before you react to a new situation with her.

[h0llister]

Don't worry if she's still with you that's a good thing. Don't go all crazy on her or you will lose her like I just lost my boyfriend :(

[Kitkat22]

Don't worry if she's still with u that's a good thing. Don't go all crazy on her or u will lose her like I just lost my bf :(

Take all the advice we have given you.

[wasda]

It looks to me like she does like you if she's invited you to do all this stuff, but is a lot more confident in the relationship than you are. If she texts you saying "Nah I don't want to talk to you" ring her and tell her how it makes you feel. She'll just say she was joking, but let's be honest it's not very funny is it, and you obviously can't tell it's a joke or you wouldn't be getting upset. Let her know you feel insecure about stupid sh*t like that and it hurts you 'cause you can't tell she's joking. Only talking once every 5 days is bad man, the only time I've ever done that to a girl is when I wasn't interested in her, and I felt really guilty for it. Don't be an accessory, be a necessity. Love isn't just a saying, "oh you'll do, but only when I feel like it". When you love someone you miss every moment you're not with them. You just need more confidence in the relationship, if you don't start communicating how you feel you'll get bad anxiety and feel the need to look on the internet for advice because you have nowhere else to turn. My girlfriend is similar, she doesn't seem interested when we're not together but is exactly the same as me when we are, but she doesn't even realise it. She's like a different person when we talk on the phone than in reality and it sucks because the person I want to be with, is the warm person I see when I hang out with her not the cold person who doesn't seem to care on the phone. It's true and if she really missed you, surely she would call you more often? But perhaps this is your fault, you might not be calling her enough and she waits for you to do it because she's insecure about herself and that's why she feels the need to lead you on or make you jealous. How do you know that she doesn't feel as worried as you do sometimes? Either way, you should find out what it is and sort it out with her, posting on the internet might bring up your confidence and make you temporarily happy, but only communication can solve the problem, establish something real and stop panicking. The happiness is in you, but your want for her constant affection creates a depression. Just lose the want and realise that you are a human being, equal to her, and if you love her give her the space she clearly requires and if she hurts you let her know.

[wasda]

It looks to me like she does like you if she's invited you to do all this stuff, but is a lot more confident in the relationship than you are. If she texts you saying "Nah I don't want to talk to you" ring her and tell her how it makes you feel. She'll just say she was joking, but let's be honest it's not very funny is it, and you obviously can't tell it's a joke or you wouldn't be getting upset. Let her know you feel insecure about stupid sh*t like that and it hurts you 'cause you can't tell she's joking. Only talking once every 5 days is bad man, the only time I've ever done that to a girl is when I wasn't interested in her, and I felt really guilty for it. Don't be an accessory, be a necessity. Love isn't just a saying, "oh you'll do, but only when I feel like it". When you love someone you miss every moment you're not with them. You just need more confidence in the relationship, if you don't start communicating how you feel you'll get bad anxiety and feel the need to look on the internet for advice because you have nowhere else to turn. My girlfriend is similar, she doesn't seem interested when we're not together but is exactly the same as me when we are, but she doesn't even realise it. She's like a different person when we talk on the phone than in reality and it sucks because the person I want to be with, is the warm person I see when I hang out with her not the cold person who doesn't seem to care on the phone. It's true and if she really missed you, surely she would call you more often? But perhaps this is your fault, you might not be calling her enough and she waits for you to do it because she's insecure about herself and that's why she feels the need to lead you on or make you jealous. How do you know that she doesn't feel as worried as you do sometimes? Either way, you should find out what it is and sort it out with her, posting on the internet might bring up your confidence and make you temporarily happy, but only communication can solve the problem, establish something real and stop panicking. The happiness is in you, but your want for her constant affection creates a depression. Just lose the want and realise that you are a human being, equal to her, and if you love her give her the space she clearly requires and if she hurts you let her know.

[wasda]

It looks to me like she does like you if she's invited you to do all this stuff, but is a lot more confident in the relationship than you are. If she texts you saying "Nah I don't want to talk to you" ring her and tell her how it makes you feel. She'll just say she was joking, but let's be honest it's not very funny is it, and you obviously can't tell it's a joke or you wouldn't be getting upset. Let her know you feel insecure about stupid sh*t like that and it hurts you 'cause you can't tell she's joking. Only talking once every 5 days is bad man, the only time I've ever done that to a girl is when I wasn't interested in her, and I felt really guilty for it. Don't be an accessory, be a necessity. Love isn't just a saying, "oh you'll do, but only when I feel like it". When you love someone you miss every moment you're not with them. You just need more confidence in the relationship, if you don't start communicating how you feel you'll get bad anxiety and feel the need to look on the internet for advice because you have nowhere else to turn. My girlfriend is similar, she doesn't seem interested when we're not together but is exactly the same as me when we are, but she doesn't even realise it. She's like a different person when we talk on the phone than in reality and it sucks because the person I want to be with, is the warm person I see when I hang out with her not the cold person who doesn't seem to care on the phone. It's true and if she really missed you, surely she would call you more often? But perhaps this is your fault, you might not be calling her enough and she waits for you to do it because she's insecure about herself and that's why she feels the need to lead you on or make you jealous. How do you know that she doesn't feel as worried as you do sometimes? Either way, you should find out what it is and sort it out with her, posting on the internet might bring up your confidence and make you temporarily happy, but only communication can solve the problem, establish something real and stop panicking. The happiness is in you, but your want for her constant affection creates a depression. Just lose the want and realise that you are a human being, equal to her, and if you love her give her the space she clearly requires and if she hurts you let her know.

[boldaslove15]

I'm going through sort of the same thing so thank you all for your input because it has given me some perspective on how I can better my relationship with my girlfriend.