[somare252]

My best friend and I have had a friendship spanning 7 years, with really dramatic tumultous times, followed by happy silly times, followed by some long pauses without communication. One thing is for sure- we just get each other, and sometimes it's almost too close for comfort. Recently, we moved together to New York, and moved in with one another. Around the first few months, a few past grievances reared their ugly head and we worked our way through it but it was TOUGH. Although I know living together was a bad idea (we're both people that need space in any friendship), it has brought out all the skeletons in the closet.

My problem is that the friendship is either hot or cold. I feel this weird unfamiliarity lately, and when asking questions, she gets super defensive. Recently, too, she has not shared with me any of the details in her life unless probed, and when I mention things in my life, she quickly loses interest or seems only to pretend to care. However, when we are around a group of friends, she is a chatty Cathy and loves to answer any questions people have with loads of energy and detail. Moreover, when I speak, she often speaks over me or ignores me, unless the conversation is to her liking.

Basically, amidst the paranoia, and let's face it, overanalysis on my part; others have noticed her "bogusness". I keep wanting to cut off the friendship but the rollercoaster always comes back to the fun part (aka, the good old times when we can just be ridiculous). At this point, I try to plan very few things together and only attend big friend events, but it's really getting to me. I feel dismissed. What should I do? I have tried nipping issues in the bud through talking, but it usually gets me nowhere. Should I just let sleeping dogs lie and not make any more (meaningless) efforts at friendship? I feel totally walked all over and taken advantage of in this frienship, able to drop anything at a moment's noticed for her only to be treated like a small child.


And yes, I have much more important things to do with my time then think about this, and I am fully mindful and present the majority of the time. This just hits me everyday because we live together.

[talaniman]

Maybe you should just take time away from each other as you haven't said its bad enough to move.

[aimee_tt]

Maybe you will be better off as neighbours rather than sharing a place.

I think maybe one of you should move out. You will have a better friendship if you see each other less!

[somare252]

It's definitely not bad enough to move, and that's happening in two months anyway, but I think time away is key. Like I said, some days she's super friendly and like old times, and others I feel like she resents me. We share a lot of the same friends, and sometimes it's a nice buffer and we can be our old selves, or, as I said before, I'm ignored or talked-over. Either way, I am going to stop worrying about this person or the state of our friendship, even if it's unnatural to do so. I refuse to break a bond of 7 years, but I also refuse to be treated like . Thanks for your responses!


Oh one more thing- how do I take time away without seeming avoidant? I've gone down this slippery slope before...

[liz28]

Yes, when you live with someone you get to see the see their true colors. I have seen friendships broken because of this. But this will be your first step.

I think you should be honest with your friend abd get whatever you need off your chest. Let her know how you feel and, believe it or not, it will make you better.

I have a friend like yours and even though she is still my friend today I can only take her small doses. Years ago I told her how I feel about the friendship and gave her chance after chance to change but she nerver did. So I build a bridge between the two of us and only crosses it sometimes.

Sometimes people change and/or sometimes she see people for what they really are. In the end, you have to look at for your best interest.

[somare252]

Thanks, Liz. I love what you said: "So I build a bridge between the two of us and only cross it sometimes." It's so true. I will always love and care for this person, but still maintain the best version of myself while I'm at it. I'm definitely going to find an opportune time and discuss it. Unfortunately, my "discussions" in the past have not been the most well-received, but you're right, its not for her peace of mind necessarily, it's for mine.

[88sunflower]

The love/hate friendship. Been there done that repeatedly with one of my friends. I agree with liz for sure. I have done the same thing. I put up a bridge and cross it at random times. I am there for her if she needs me don't get me wrong. But I just keep a polite distance and avoid the drama.

[somare252]

All I have to say is this is really really hard.


I think the worst feeling in the world is feeling like you're being "dealt with".

[talaniman]

Then change it, and back away from her, and get your own thing to do that makes you happy. You don't have to be the only person who is being "dealt" with. Give her some space. That's what I would do.

[88sunflower]

Your feeling "dealt with" because your letting her make you feel that way.