Check out some similar questions!

Maria65 · Dec 6, 2007, 01:49 PM

My daughter left foster care 2 years ago and got a place at University to study social science. Through out her time in foster care, there was a lot of difficulty in my contacts with her. When she left for University, she contacted me I thought now is the chance to start building bridges with her, after so much time lost. Because we lived quite a distance from each other, at first contact was by telephone. Not long after she came to stay with me, she started to ask me for money which I would send to her. I was pleased to be able to help her, although in a small way it was something. Nearly on every occasion that I called her, she would say she has no food, and she borrowed off a friend, and can't pay them back. Then one day out of the blue she phoned me, and asked if she could come and stay with me. Of course I was very happy for this to happen. She stayed with me for about 3 months, after which she was found accommodation by her LAC Social Worker. Since she has moved out she only wants to know me when she has no money. She lies all the time, about her situation and she has been borrowing of people, putting her self in dept. I do not understand why she is behaving like this, as it causes only problems for her. Is she finding it hard to adjust outside of care, or should I try and arrange for her to see someone who may help her with this. She is such a bright girl, but this behaviour is spoiling it for her.

Maria65

N0help4u · Dec 6, 2007, 02:15 PM

She most likely has an entitlement attitude where she feels everybody owes her and even when she does want to be independent and use her own money she knows she simply can't afford it. You can help her with what you are able to within reason if you want BUT don't let her get demanding or walk all over you.
You didn't mention where her main source of income comes from. Can you encourage her to get a job if she doesn't have one? Or if she does have some type of income maybe you could offer to help her work out a budget. Also her worker should be able to suggest things that might be of help to her.
Other than that I can't think of anything else at the minute.

Chery · Dec 6, 2007, 02:39 PM

IMO, she is substituting her 'hunger' of the love she feels was denied her by asking or demanding for attention in any way she know how. And right now, it is her difficulty in handling her finances. Even if she had no financial needs, she would be looking for another reason to ask for 'support' of any type she can get.

Get serious with her and talk to her about your fears for her future, even if you have to get her to break down, get angry and/or cry. She might show she's smart and strong, but I think that's just an act right now.

You said you want to get close and make up for missed time, but don't do it with kit gloves, that's not going to answer the questions that both of you need answers to.

Make a list to yourself, write down what you want to know i.e. how she feels and how she felt about her life so far, what her goals in life are, and who and what is she's angry at. - Place yourself in her shoes for a few minutes and ask the questions you think she needs answers to. Tell her to try your shoes on to see if she know who and what you are and what drives you.

Apparently life did not go well for either of you, or she would not have been in a foster home, so share what you feel through communication and not just financial support. You said she's a bright girl, tell her you are proud how she's grown and want to know more about her future plans.

Good luck to both of you, and keep us posted

N0help4u · Dec 6, 2007, 06:18 PM

Once you get her out change the locks, alert the police that she might be a problem and get a PFA if you have to.

Chery · Dec 7, 2007, 09:45 AM

Forgot to suggest getting professional assistance in doing the things I mentioned, so I can understand where your confusion is from.

This is not something I would go alone because it will take a lot of time and work. Of course, she has to agree to participate and I hope for you that she is willing.

You deserve peace of mind and also the reassurance that you helped your daughter on the way to a better future.

Again, good luck.