[johnnypercula]

I found out prior to my divorce that our youngest child is not my biological child. The problem I have is that she only knows me as her daddy and her bio dad is not involved with her other than paying support. He doesn't pick her up and she has never met his family. I continue to pick her up on weekends when I have visitation per the decree. My mother insists I'm causing more damage by not telling the girls the truth and I'm depriving my daughter of one on one time by picking up the youngest child. The girls are 4 and 7. For the first two years of her life I thought the youngest was mine and I have a strong bond with her. My ex fears if I tell the girls the truth, my child will not want the youngest to come since I'm not really her dad. She doesn't want a rift to develop between them. I fear for my child and for the youngest child's well being and want to do what is best for both of them. What ever in the world should I do?? Please help.

[Eileen G]

The priority here is the child. She believes you are her father, and in everything except biology, you are her father. There is nothing to be gained by telling her that she is not your daughter, and a huge amount of harm that could be done.

To me, it is the same situation as adopting a child. You didn't supply the genes, but the child is still yours. Your biological daughter has known the 4 year old as her sister for all her life, what benefit is it to now announce she's not? Any possible benefit from "one on one" time would be outweighed by the insecurity of changing such a fundamental part of her life.

It might be different if you and the birth father were fighting for custody, but in this case, you are the only real father she has known. To deprive her of that would be cruel.

[Jake2008]

You are that child's father. Your mother is completely wrong in my opinion, to open up a can of unnecessary worms by putting a divide between you and your daughter, and both the girls themselves.

It is not her business to determine or advise you on how to care for your daughters.

At some point this could change with the parents, you, your ex wife, and the biological dad. As he is paying regular child support, he most likely will extend his interest to meeting her some day.

That will be determined at a later date, much later- when she can understand what it all means. By that time, she will have had more years with you, and that bond will only be stronger, before and after she becomes aware of her biological dad.

I would confirm a plan with your ex to agree on keeping this information to yourselves for the foreseeable future. The children have already been through a divorce. A four year old does not want to think you are not her REAL dad too.

Let your mother know that she is not to take this into her own hands and disrupt what you and your ex decide to do.

For both your girls sake, I hope that they remain sisters, with the same father, for a long time yet to come.

[JoeCanada76]

Your mother is completely wrong here.

You are the father, and you need to continue being the father.

That simple.

[qtful31]

You ARE her father. Actually you are her daddy. Any man can donate dna to father a child but a man stands up and takes responsibility and earns the title daddy. Don't tell her. Just love her and when she gets older and has questions only then should you tell her. And even after that conversation, tell her that you are still her daddy.