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red_frogger710 · Feb 15, 2010, 11:40 AM

I have a 4 year old daughter and she thinks my husband is her daddy. He has been in her life since she was 8 months old. She called him daddy and our familie's and us haven't told her any different. Her real dad hasn't wanted anything to do with her since I left him and that was when she was 7 months old. He has told me that he would sign papers so that my husband can adopt her. We just haven't had the money to do it. Now he has moved back to the same state we live in. So I don't know what to do now, we are trying to come up with the money and an attorney so we can get this started. But I am worried that he might want to come see her. So how do I tell her or should I tell her that her daddy isn't her real dad? Please help me.

vlmoultri · Feb 15, 2010, 08:26 PM

Maybe it's a good idea to wait until she is older so she could fully comprehend the situation. Most four year olds aren't capable of truly understanding. When you do decide to tell her I would suggest having your husband there and explaining that he still loves her as his own so that she doesn't think she isn't wanted. Children can sometimes feel that way in that type of situation. Make sure that you explain that nothing is going to change and let her know that you will stand by her if she decides she wants to know her real father, and that you won't love her less! Once again make sure you let her know that she is loved by you two.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 15, 2010, 08:31 PM

Well first, many on here are really set about the use of the words "real dad" since most here feel the person that raises you is the real day, the other is the bio father.

From the legal side, what is the custody status ? Is there court order custody, court ordered child support ?

justcurious55 · Feb 15, 2010, 09:33 PM

The problem with waiting until she is older, is she may resent you for not telling her the truth from the beginning. She probably won't understand now, but at least she'll have the idea so she can ask questions as she grows up and there's no shock for her later. I like chuck's suggestion for using "bio dad" and "real dad." but like vlmoultri said, it's really important to make sure she understands that nothing is going to change and that you both still love her and always will.

happy2003 · Feb 18, 2010, 06:15 PM

I was adopted when I was an infant by a couple, but this idea can cross over to one person taking on responsibility.

Ever since I was little I knew that I was not my parents biological child in some sense. My parents told me, before I could understand details, the phrase "you are special because we picked you!" As I got older the age appropriate details emerged when necessary. I never got a bomb dropped on me and I never felt lied to. It also meant that there would never be the chance that a relative or friend would let it slip at an inappropriate time.

kettler1965 · Oct 19, 2011, 09:04 PM

Well my daugther is 13 now and I was undecided to tell her or not then as she grew she noticed she looked a bit different then her sis an bro. and in school they learn early about genetics which by 10 she figuered out there was something odd about herself,so one day she was home fom school early we were talking how GOD makes all things differernt and one thing lead to another and I feelt the time was upon me so I did ans she`s lookes at me and says... it`s OK momma I knew kind of ,then I tlod her names andask her if she had any more question she replied no... and I know daddy is my dad anyway(refering to my husband she had een with all her life.. as the years have went by a few more questions arise so now she`s 13 and has a great head on her and all is fine THANKS to GOD because it`s a scary thing to do.trust me..