[BuriedThrice]

Okay, I've been browsing similar questions and reading the answers and I just think I should explain my situation since it's a bit different and may yield different answers.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 year. We've had our ups and downs like most relationships and this was also our first real relationship. When we first starting hanging out during our senior year of high school I REALLY liked her and knew immediately I wanted her to be mine. I was never into the idea of dating because I knew what I wanted and didn't like the idea of getting my heart broken every time something didn't work out. So I met my girlfriend and she turned out to be exactly what I was looking for. Very down-to-earth, liked spending time reading, going for walks, or just relaxing, knew how to have fun, was extremely loving and supportive, a love for natural, travel, music, films, and good television. She's also a vegetarian like me, which happened a year and a half down the line.

But the road to being with her wasn't easy. When I first met her, I knew I wanted her but I was also scared to fall for her for fear of being rejected. For the first few weeks I found myself ignoring her out of fear, being insecure when she talked to other guys and not explaining myself when I would talk to her. I thought for sure that she would eventually get tired of all the BS and move on, but she never did. I've done this before and she was the first girl to really stick with it. She really wanted to be with me, I suppose and I when I finally snapped out of all the nonsense we were together. She was the first girl I was truly comfortable being with. I would hold her hand, hug her, and kiss her in public. It was beautiful. She was beautiful and it was really something special. I told her I loved her a few months after we started talking and I never regretted it.

Fast forward to the end of senior year. We decided we were going to travel together before college so we were looking for work to save up money. But in August of '08 I decided I needed space because I felt she was becoming too much too handle and so I left and told her I would come back. Those two weeks, she was IMing and texting me almost every day asking when I'd have an answer for her on the status of our relationship. Finally she told me she was on her way to my house whether I wanted her there because the uncertainty was killing her. So she came over, we talked, made up, promised to work harder and we were good until... last week.

Our relationship was full of ups and downs... but the downs were ALWAYS the same. Communication errors. She has always had a tough time opening up to me because admittedly she can be a little weird, not to me, but other people would think so. And she's nervous about what I think sometimes and always thinks I'm going to judge her. So she doesn't talk to me as much as I'd like her too and then things sort of blow up every now and then. And sometimes I wouldn't always be accessible to her. We lived pretty far from each other and public transportation took about 1-2 hours to reach each other. And she would work nights and I'd work early mornings and whenever we had free time she'd come see me or we'd meet halfway at a neutral town, I never went to her house as often.

The last few months we had been coming up on our deadlines to finally quit work and travel. We were searching for travel gear and I had bought my backpack and was coming up with an itinerary for the both of us when she came to me and said, "I think we should do weekend trips instead of a big long backpacking trip for a few months." It came as a shock to me because it seemed all of a sudden that she had gotten cold feet. So I was mad because I had just quit my job, which she says I should've talked to her about before hand, and now we have to deal with different plans. Also, the week before I quit my job they had changed my schedule to work afternoons and nights so it was even tougher to see her with conflicting schedules.

We didn't see each other for two weeks and when we finally did she wasn't excited but more worried and concerned about us. We talked for an hour and went through a whole gamut of emotions and ideas on what to do. She didn't think I was doing enough for her and our relationship. But we finally decided we wanted to stay together because we REALLY do love each other and have invested so much and would try harder. But when I got home, I was mad about the whole travel thing and I texted her a novel of everything I didn't say. She said she wanted to see me again so we could talk more... I waited two weeks before I finally decided to see her and when I did we talked for two hours. She didn't like the idea of breaking up but didn't want to be with me at the moment so she decided she wanted a break to think about us because things were confusing. We both all of a sudden had different ideas of the future and she didn't think we'd ever solve the same fight we always have. She felt stuck and like we weren't progressing, which from my point of view didn't seem that way at all. We gave each other some stuff back and we hugged each other tight like 6 times. We had light conversation about what we'd been up to and she said things like, "maybe we're not meant to be together like we thought." But I couldn't take it. I told her I was sorry for everything and wanted to be with her. There was a lot of crying. When I tried to kiss her goodbye she wouldn't kiss me back. I told her I'd wait for her and that I'd always love her and that I would rather be alone than with anyone else. She said "How do you know? We might end up meeting someone. Don't say that." So she decided that during the break she didn't want to talk to me, but I told her I'd keep talking to her.

So it's been a week and a half now and I'm going crazy. There's been ZERO word from her about anything and I feel lost, confused, hopeless, and drained. I want her back but there's literally nothing for me to do. I've said a few things to her and all I get are "I'm thinking and trying to figure things out." Or, "I don't know what to tell you." In one of the books she returned to me, it had a poem in it and a picture of us. I just don't know what to think of any of this. I'm overanalyzing every little thing about the situation. I want to say that we both loved each other a lot but she definitely loved me more in some respects. She wrote me numerous letters, drew me cards and pictures and made boxes to put stuff in that reminded her of me and us. We both believed we were soulmates and we always wanted the same thing until the whole travel thing and the fact that she thought I wasn't doing enough for her. I mean, I'm sort of confident that she may come back but I don't know when... and unlike her talking to me during our break, I can't say anything to her. I'm not looking for answers that tell me that she isn't coming back because I think there's something else going on here. She's also DEFINITELY not the type to date anyone. We've never cheated on each other at all.

Basically I just don't know what to do... what does it all mean? Thanks for reading and hopefully someone can give me some piece of mind.

[elizaxfools]

Besides the whole travel thing, I'm going through the same thing. Girls are confusing. Not going to lie. But guys are the same way.

I personally don't believe in "breaks." It's either you want to be with me or you don't. Maybe she got cold feet, maybe she didn't.

Maybe there was a lot on her plate at that time?

I can tell by what you write that you love her. If only women could find a guy as genuine as you.

I read about a lot of mixed emotions. "Like you want to be with me and you don't," type of thing. Women hate that.

Everything might mean that she's confused. She might have been your first love, and I know that you want to be able to talk to her like old times... but the best thing for you to do is to give her space.

After a break up, no one likes to be bothered. We take it as our thinking time. Some good thoughts, some bad.

The best thing to do is to try to not communicate with her. It might make things worse.

Make her feel your absence. She'll start to miss you. I promise. If everything doesn't work out in the end, then it just wasn't meant to be. It sounds rough, but it's true.

Everyone experiences a first real heart break at some point or another.

:(

"Never waste your time on something that dosen't need you anymore."

[Calmbutconfused]

I know how you must feel right now my friend.

You feel like breaking down and that no matter how much you do or what you say, its as though she's closed herself off from you without another word.

You think to yourself that if only I had done this or said that, then this wouldn't have happened. I could change right now and I'm sure I could save things.

Unfortunately, her point of view is completely different. Trust me when I say that she's been thinking about it for a while and though everything may have seemed fine right up till the end, the doubt had been gnawing at her for some time.

The best thing I would recommend for you to do now is to completely sever all communication with her. I know its hard to do when you're thinking with your heart and not your head, but just remember to be forgiving to yourself for some of the irrational things you will most likely do in this stage of the break-up.

Keep yourself active and surround yourself with friends and family who care for you and do yourself a favor and put those pictures/phone numbers/facebook etc out of sight and delete them if you have to.

Starting a diary could also help keep your incoherent thoughts together. Don't hold back or correct what you write. Just let it all out and you may be surprised at what emotions may come out of it.

The stickies at the top of the forum came in handy for me when my break up happened, but let me know if you need more personal suggestions as I've been exactly where you are my friend.

Best wishes to you in this time and let us know how you go. You're not alone in this sometimes harsh world!

[talaniman]

If you don't accept what she has told you, and leave her alone, then you will make a pest, and a fool of yourself.

You may have had fun, and gotten attached, and whispered sweet nothings to each other, but whatever has changed may not be what you want, but she sure does, so keep your dignity, and self respect, and do as she asks "Leave her alone so she can do her own thing, and you do yours"

No need to be hardheaded about it, but maybe that's why the communications was lousy, someone refused to listen.

[ZoeMarie]

If you don't accept what she has told you, and leave her alone, then you will make a pest, and a fool of yourself.

You may have had fun, and gotten attached, and whispered sweet nothings to each other, but whatever has changed may not be what you want, but she sure does, so keep your dignity, and self respect, and do as she asks "Leave her alone so she can do her own thing, and you do yours"

No need to be hardheaded about it, but maybe thats why the communications was lousy, someone refused to listen.

Had to spread the rep, bravo!

[BuriedThrice]

I feel I should add a few things.

I think it's safe to say she was worried about our relationship for a while but she NEVER wanted to break up as far as I'm concerned. April 15th when we first talked after two weeks, we concluded we would try harder and later that night I texted her asking how she was doing. She said she felt really hopeful and was glad that we were trying again and that she loved me with all her heart. But I feel like my anger about the whole travel thing is what pushed her to this. The next morning, she asked if I wanted to go to a Josh Ritter show on May 19th, but I was feeling really angry that morning and said no about 5 times to her. Finally she started wondering what was wrong and I let it out on her saying all these things out of anger and then she said, "We should meet soon and talk again. I thought we were gonna be okay? If we can't get past this then I don't know what to do anymore." I saw her on May 3rd, when we talked for 2 hours and I apologized and cried and told her I would do anything to have her back. In that moment, I was realizing everything I was doing wrong and I would fix it. But it was hard for her to believe that it would ever change. Apparently she assumed we were already broken up after my whole rant through text to her. So when I said I was angry and that I didn't want that, she said "Well, I'm not sure if I want to keep doing this. I feel like I'm stuck. I want to have a good summer and not have to worry about having the same fight every month." She said she doesn't believe in breaks and I can understand why. If we loved each other, we'd keep working at it. But if she still loves me then this could just be one of those breaks where "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Apparently her cat died a few days before our talk too. It was 13 and she saw it happen and buried it in her yard. She's crazy about animals. I wrote her a letter that I asked her to read after our talk. I don't know what she thinks about it or if she even read it because she's been keeping to herself, but I plan on writing another one to send her in few days. May 25th, is a special day for us and June 9th is her birthday, so I'm hoping that she'll have some sort of answer to the future of our relationship before then.

Also, I've been giving her the space she needs the past few days, but I'm finding it hard to keep myself distracted. I'm overanalyzing and snooping. I was browsing her Myspace and I noticed that she used a code to hide her relationship status on her main page which got me nervous. So I figured out a way around the code and found that it still said we were in a relationship. But why would she go through the trouble of hiding that on her main page when you can still see it in her blog page or through the iPhone app? My assumptions lead me to believe that she's messing with me, doing something behind my back (even though she's not the type to... but I'm insecure), or she's trying to make me miss her. Also, she's been sick the past few days and she's updated her AIM and Myspace status more in these last few days than she has in the last three months. And I know that whenever she's overwhelmed with negative feelings she tends to get really sick. It happened when I broke up with her 2 years ago. She even called out of work (which she never does) to stay home and recuperate. I don't believe that we ever whispered "sweet nothings" to each other. I can't believe it. And I hate to believe that everything I'm going through is typical. To me, our relationship felt like it transcended most others, aside from the one issue. By the way, part of my snooping took me to a forum where she was discussing eating right and losing weight and how she couldn't talk to me about it. I kind of scoffed a little bit because I don't know why she feels like she can't talk to me about things. It hurts because she always tells me I need to open up, but it seems like she's just projecting onto me or something.

I'm kind of confident that she may take me back, especially if I play my cards right by giving her room and saying the right things at the right time, but I just hope she also learns from this a bit. She needs to talk to me more. It was only a month and a half ago that she was incredibly happy with me and didn't even dream of breaking up with me. So this is all kind of scary that she initiated the break and there's no word from her because it feels like it's over. But I can't believe it is.

[talaniman]

The details you added only underscore how your anger, and reactions have served to push her away. If you wanted to play your cards right, you had every chance to communicate on a much more mature level, and not dumped your own emotional insecurities on her.

So now you sit in limbo, wondering if she gets over HERSELF, learns a lesson, and is ready for what you want. That may happen, it may not, but for sure your snooping will make things worse for you, so my advice is the same.

Originally Posted by talaniman
If you don't accept what she has told you, and leave her alone, then you will make a pest, and a fool of yourself.

If you have truly figured out the error of your ways, and will change, that may show itself later, but for now, LISTEN to what she has told you, and give her what she asked for, and get something else to do besides stalk her on a social network, and snoop because your wondering what she is doing.

[BuriedThrice]

Just an update. I sent her a letter about 3 weeks after she broke up with me. She emailed me saying she would agree to meet and talk. I almost messed up my chances because I emailed her back three long replies and she told me that I was pissing her off and that she would tell me when it was okay to see her. So the next day she texted me to meet her at a neutral point. We met up on a Saturday and hung out like normal for about 4 hours but then there was a lot of silence and she said she was going to go. So I finally brought up what we were avoiding all day and we talked for another 2 hours. I was trying to read her body language and from what I gathered, she was feeling really uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, and just annoyed. So she was heading towards the trains to go home and I hugged her and said, "We're not done, so don't leave me hanging." She said she would contact me to talk in a week or two.

The next day I got an email saying she wanted to see me but she was busy and she could only do Thursday. So I told her I was fine with waiting a little longer, if she needed me to, because hearing from her actually assuaged my pain a bit and I was willing to give her the time she needed. She said instead that she could see me Monday. So I only had to wait a day to see her again and we talked for another 6 hours, walking around town. I was trying to read her body language again and I could tell she felt a lot more comfortable this time around and I also picked on the fact that she was sort of craving me. Her pupils were dilated, she was staring at my lips, and smiling at me when I wasn't looking. She even brought me into her room where she started changing in front of me. At the end of the hangout we kissed and I told her I loved her, but she didn't say it back and I understood why.

We have to rebuild a bit but she's willing to keep trying and I'm so glad for that and this has taught me so much about love and life. And I'm glad things worked out because I almost ruined them for good not giving her the space she needed. Basically her issue with me was that she felt like we were in "high school mode" and being out of high school two years now she wanted a mature relationship. And I couldn't agree more with her. And I'm just glad she wants to keep experiencing life and growing with me.

Basically I was torturing myself for three weeks. I kept thinking she was cheating and doing everything else but thinking of me and our relationship. But I was wrong and I realize I need to learn to keep my emotions in check.